just once
"I saw me through you and for once, just once, I felt worth it..." - T. Gregson
Severus Snape
There was only silence. He was...what name...his name —
Severus
Breath out. Breath in. It took him a while to realize he was as bare as the day he was born, laying against a hard floor. Slowly, Severus Snape opened his eyes and took in the whiteness.
Taking his time, he sat up, staring at his hands before touching his throat. There was no wound. Pulling his hands away, he stared at them. There was no blood. He'd died. He knew he did. But there was no pain as he remembered his last moments. There had been a wand. A boy — a pig for slaughter — and green eyes.
Green eyes, flaming hair — it's real for us — and so, so much grief. So much love. So much anger and guilt. So much hate. Disgust.
Bitterness clawed at his throat.
Breath out. Breath in.
Shaking his head, Severus' eyes narrowed as he took in the scenery, all the while wishing for clothes. When he gazed back to his hands, in it was a black robe. It tugged at his memories. Standing, he continued to study his surroundings even as he put on the robe.
Where was he? As soon as that thought entered his mind, a huge chimney began to form in the distant skyline. Another tug against his memories. The longer he looked at the skyline, the more it formed, familiarity biting at the edge of his consciousness.
He glanced up at the domed glass, light streaming down like diamonds. All was silent...silent except for the faint squeaking of a swing. Turning around, robes billowing, Severus' breath hitched as he stared at the familiar deserted playground.
But it was the red hair, sanguine traced with sunlight, that caught his eyes. So he was dead. Severus felt as his throat clogged, taking the first steps towards the figure that seemed so far away yet too close. One step followed another until he was only a few feet away from her.
She faced away from him, staring at something he could not see. She remained on the ground, but her legs pushed her slowly back and forth, back and forth. The only sound was the creaking of the swing. He studied her clothes, taking her into memory. It's been so long. She wore faded blue jeans and a simple red knitted sweater.
Gryffindor till the end, he thought and, for once, without malice. Suddenly, she stopped and silence filled the space between them. Severus wanted to call her name but fear held his tongue.
Maybe this was just a dream.
Maybe he wasn't dead.
Then she stood up. His heart raced as she turned around, emerald eyes meeting his.
"Are you just going to stand there and stare at me?"
Her voice... Severus almost cried. He never thought he would hear that sound again. Instead of letting out the despair, Severus held onto her gaze, vision blurring as he realized tears he didn't want, have begun to form.
"Are you real?"
A small smile, wistful and worn, graced her lips as she nodded. "It's been a while, Sev."
At his nickname, Severus felt as the first tear fell. He clenched his fists, taking a deep scattered breath in.
"Lily." A shuddering breath out. Her name was choked out from between his lips, a prayer he's held onto for so long.
Lily's smile didn't go. The wistfulness seeming to only grow as the wariness faded. "Severus."
Swallowing, Severus nodded as he used his right hand to quickly wipe away the tears, head bowed. He stood several inches taller than her, almost towering her. Despite being the closest they've been in decades, the distance between them has never been so wide. When he finally collected himself, he let his hands fall back to his side before meeting her eyes once more.
"Lily," Severus paused, staring at her wistful smile. There was so much to say, too little words to say it with. He settled on the most pressing as he remembered another pair of green eyes. "I... I tried to protect the boy." He paused, swallowing hard before adding, "I failed you even in the end."
His fists trembled at his side. He'd failed her. Eyes squeezing, Severus shook his head and turned away. He'd always failed her. Ever since they were young, he had failed her, never being able to be the boy — the man — she needed.
He'd hurt her (and countless others) in his chase for the dark arts. He'd been the cause of her death. And now? Now, he was the reason why her son would die. Harry Potter — neither can live while the other survives — a pig led to slaughter.
Dumbledore may have been the chess master controlling the pieces, but Severus had been his hand. How could he face her when he'd failed even that? How could she ever forgive him?
"I know. I know you tried." Lily was suddenly behind him, his eyes snapping open at her closeness. "And you did. Thank you, Severus. For protecting Harry when I could not."
Severus whirled around, to object and deny her words when he felt warm hands touch his. He stared at her with widened eyes as her fingers wrapped around his. The wistful smile was gone, replaced with a frown. Her eyes were creased in what he knew to be sorrow as she stared down at their hands. He opened his mouth, but she beat him to it.
"But Sev, you... you did many horrible things." Their eyes met, viridian burning into his. "So many."
He blinked back tears. Only the woman in front him could bring him to tears, able to open the side of him he long killed off until only bitter rage ate at what was left of his soul. But just the sight of her... Severus shook his head. Even now, he can still feel her lifeless body in his arms, cold and unmoving. The abyss she left in his life tore at his heart and the wrongs of a thousand sins burned into his forearm.
"I know" was his only answer to her.
And he did. He had.
He did many, many horrible things. For knowledge. For greed. For his wounded pride. For his love for her. For a glory that escaped him. He'd chased Voldemort and drank from the cup the Dark Lord gave him. All to become more than just the boy from Spinner's End. To escape the excuse that was Severus Snape.
Yet he lost her and what he did afterward couldn't really be considered living.
Tears appeared in her eyes, falling slowly and Severus' heart jerked. Without thinking, his free hand rose to wipe away the tears. Lily sniffled, her free hand coming up to cover the sob that broke from her lips.
"How did we come to this, Sev?" How did you fall so far went unsaid.
And suddenly, it was just them, a man and woman who were once a boy and girl, the two standing in the place where it all began. Even though they were the closest they've been in decades, they'd never been further apart.
"Because I was a fool, Lily." And what a fool he was.
He could brew glory and bottle fame. Stopper death and bewitch the mind. But he was such a fool, he realized as he stared at her. Such a blind, bitter fool. He'd wanted her so badly. Loved her so much. But it was all for not when he couldn't even see how much he'd been hurting her. How he had killed her.
He continued cupping her cheeks as she cried silently into his palm. His tears matched hers, heart twisting.
"I'm so sorry, Lily," he whispered brokenly, wounded by her sorrow. Shamed by her disappointment. She shook her head, letting go of his hand and pulling away.
She wrapped her arms around herself, green eyes wet with tears as she looked at him. "Even when I told myself I didn't care - even when I told you, I didn't care... I couldn't let you go, Sev. I always believed we would make up - as if we could make up." She breathed out unsteadily, she turned her head away and gazed off into the distance. "For so long, we played in these woods, on this playground. You gave me a whole new world. You showed me magic. You were my best friend... I loved you."
Lilly turned back to him. "But then you went somewhere I couldn't follow and became someone I didn't know. Someone I didn't want to know. But I watched you, Sev. Since that night I died, I watched you just as much as I watched Harry. Even in death, I couldn't let you go."
Severus frowned, eyes widening. "All this time?"
Lily breathed out heavily as she nodded, arms wrapping around herself. She studied him intently, eyes furrowing and lips forming into a frown. It was almost glare, but she was more anguished than angered.
"You were a downright wonker to Harry, Sev." Her eyes squeezed shut, arms tightening. "To all those poor children. And all those people you hurt..."
She took a step away from him, arms falling to her side. She bit her lips.
"Sev, I don't understand. Even after all this," she waved her hand around her. "Even after the collection."
"Lily," Severus took a step towards her. Her words spun around in his head. He reached for her, but she just stepped away.
"We can't return to who we were. Back to those days." Lily smiled at him, but it hurt more than any glare or frown he's ever received. "And we made our choices. I just... I had to see you. To thank you." Lily's lips quivered the smile breaking. "And to say I'm sorry. Maybe... maybe if I had not lied, if I had been braver, you wouldn't be there and I wouldn't be here." She shook her head. "Goodbye, Severus."
Before Severus could say or ask her, Lily was gone. Disappearing before his eyes. He grabbed at the empty air where she had stood. He cried out in frustration, hands curling into his hair as he twirled around, hoping beyond all hope to just catch her one last time.
He wondered from the playground, calling out her name. He kept walking towards the skyline, the chimney almost mocking him as it remained far away. He doesn't know how long and how much he walked. Time seemed non-existent since Lily. No matter how far or how fast he went, he always ended up at the playground.
After an indeterminate amount of time, he finally gave up. Making his way over, he slumped into the nearest swing set. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been on a swing, surprised it still fit him. He was about to close his eyes when he felt the swing next to him moved.
Jumping up, Severus whirled around, his mind forming the incantation to a non-verbal spell. But at the familiar sight of purple robes and long white beard, Severus stopped.
"Dumbledore," he drawled out, voice exasperated. He should have known the old headmaster would appear.
The old wizard smiled at him, blue eyes twinkling as he inclined his head towards Severus. He was swinging lightly, legs pushing him back and forth.
"Severus," came the cheerful reply before Albus looked down, his fingers grasping the chains. "Can you believe that I never had the chance to use one of these?" Then he pushed himself back, swinging away from Severus just to swing right back. "What a shame. They are quite delightful."
"What are you doing here," Severus cut in abruptly, brows furrowed together as he glared at the older man.
Dumbledore ignored him, continuing to swing for a minute longer before catching himself on the ground. He turned a redolent smile to Severus.
"Tom is no more." Something - a tug, a jerk against his heart - flashed across his chest. Swallowing, Severus glowered at the ground. Dumbledore's next words had his head whipping toward the old wizard, though. "The boy lives, Severus."
Eyes narrowed, the younger wizard clenched his fists. He stared darkly at Albus. "How is that possible? You told me he needed to die."
"And so he did," came the calm reply. Albus stood up, smoothing his robes before straightening.
Mouth opening and closing, Severus stared. "I-impossible."
"Nothing is impossible, Severus." Dumbledore only smiled at him, shrugging.
Scowling, Severus clenched his jaw and bit out, "that tells me nothing! So the boy lives and the Dark Lord is gone!?"
Albus nodded once more as he walked past him. "Walk with me, Severus."
Not seeing much of a choice, Severus followed, walking by the old wizard's side. He looked back and sure enough, the playground and skyline were disappearing. Swallowing audibly, Severus turned back to Albus.
"What...what is this place?"
"Purgatory?" At the non-answer, Severus glared. "Ah, don't be like that, Severus. You should be rejoicing. Your task has come to an end. You've played your part in the next wizarding peace."
At his words, Severus looked away. He stared up ahead. There was nothing. Just whiteness and the domed glass ceiling. Thoughts churned in his head, his gut twisting.
"And how long will this peace last, Dumbledore?"
"My dear boy, if I knew the answer to that, I would be a rich man... but they will enjoy this peace for a long time, Severus." A pause. Then, "he will name his son after us."
"Who," Severus asked, brows furrowed.
"Harry."
At the answer, Severus blanched. His name...next to Potter? Frown deepening into a scowl, Severus shook his head. "When I thought the boy couldn't be more insulting."
Dumbledore came to a stop, hands reaching out as he touched Severus' shoulder. Fingers clenched tightly into his skin and Severus looked up into furrowed blue eyes.
"I cannot say this enough, Severus," Albus began gravely, "but you have greatly done Harry a disservice. He may be the mirror image of James, but there is so much Lily in him."
He was about to retort, but held himself back. He remembered Lily's words to him just a few moments ago. Frowning, Severus shook off Albus's hand. With a deep sigh, he began.
"Please, Dumbledore. The boy—"
"Is more like you than you think." Albus cut him off, hands coming together in front of him as he peered at Severus.
Jaw flexing, Severus crossed his arm. "I highly doubt that, Dumbledore."
"Even now, Severus? Will you only see what you want?" Dumbledore sighed.
Severus stiffened at his words, eyes narrowing. "I see the boy for what he is."
"And is that the same boy who would walk willing into death's arms? To be as you've said, 'a pig to slaughter'?" Dumbledore raised a brow. "How can you love Lily as you do and not care for the child that bores her resemblance... if not in body, then in heart?"
Severus paused in thought at his words. At the implication. Dumbledore pushed forward.
"The boy has never deserved your hatred, Severus. Even you must see how you had misplaced your hatred for James Potter to the boy."
Severus' fingers clenched on his elbow, arms still crossed as he stared down at the ground. "Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because we all must face the choices we have made." Looking up sharply, Severus met Albus' blue eyes. "I left you to your devices for too long, Severus. While I always knew the boy will meet with no physical harm in your care... I forgot that harm comes in many forms."
"Dumbledore?" Severus frowned as the former headmaster took a step from him.
"Good luck, Severus."
And just like that, Albus was gone. Wha.. and Severus stiffened as the skyline came back. The chimney laid in the background, beckoning as it mocked him. A creak of metal had Severus turning around. He froze.
Swinging before him, back and forth, was Lily. A very, very young Lily. Her eyes were closed in bliss, face reaching for the sun as she swung slowly back and forth.
"L-lily?" Severus inched towards her but immediately stopped when Lily opened her eyes.
Eyes that, while wore the shade of Lily, were not Lily's. They were too old. Too...something else. Too unworldly. Too cold and too warm all at once. Too...too much.
The thing wearing Lily's body stopped swinging, feet dangling in the air as it smiled at him. A smile that held nothing yet everything.
"Sometimes," came the soft reply in Lily's young voice.
Severus took a step away, but that didn't seem to put any distance between them. So instead, he collected himself and scowled.
"Who are you," he demanded sharply.
The thing cocked Lily's head, smile and eyes never wavering. "I see you, Severus Snape. In all that you are and were, and can and will always be."
Her answer, nonsensical and not truly an answer, left goosebumps on his body. He held onto his scowl, meeting the thing's eyes head on.
"You are not Lily."
"No," came a soft reply, the thing jumping off from the swing.
Severus' eyes narrowed, scowl deepening. "What trickery is this?"
"No trickery, Severus Snape." The thing cocked its head again as it observed him. He felt stripped of everything, barer than he was when he first awoke in this place. "But I am here to collect."
"Collect?" Was this what Lily mentioned earlier?
It nodded, rocking on the heel of its feet. "Did you know that the word 'sin' translates to khata in Hebrew?" Severus stiffened at the sudden subject, but the thing continued without a pause. "Khata means to fail." It suddenly stopped smiling, staring deeply into him. "And Severus Snape, oh have you failed."
The hair on his arms stood up, spine-chilling at the words. Severus took an unconscious step back.
"Are you," Severus swallowed, "are you God?" He remembered going to church once, long ago. When his father was still putting up a pretense. Before the drinking and the slow decay of sanity. It was a long, long time ago, though.
The thing smiled again, the same eerie smile filled with nothing and everything.
"Sometimes." The thing was suddenly transforming, becoming Lily yet not Lily. Not having a face nor a form, but simply being. Severus took another step away from it, but like before, no distance was made. "I am here to collect, Severus Snape." A pause as it stopped smiling. "But also, to deliver a gift."
"Gift?"
It nodded, coming closer to Severus and there was nowhere to run, no magic to protect him. It was just him and this thing that wore the faces of humanity.
"A gift. Not for the things you've done, but for the things you can do," it whispered, lowering itself to Severus' face. "But I must collect first, Severus Snape."
And then it touched its forehead to Severus' and the world blackened, pain like nothing else Severus has every known entered his mind and body and suddenly he was no longer existing.
He was no longer Severus Snape.
Who was the first person you failed?
He didn't know. Everyone. Anyone. There were too many. Too many failures and too many mistakes.
He was a mistake.
He had been a mistake. He should have never been born.
He'd never wanted to be born. Not to Eileen or Tobias, not to Spinner's End. Not even to magic.
He should have never been born. Nevernevernevernever except... there had been one person, one girl who broke through the failures and mistakes... she—
—he was nothing.
He was all painful and all horrible and all terrible and all great and it was too much and it was too much and it was too much and
faces, voices, names, memories, moments, destinies, prophecies
and all he failed to save. All he should have protected.
His failure — Severus, please, we're friends! — his failure — I can't pretend anymore — his failure.
Suddenly he was Lily and he was Petunia. He was his father and his mother. He was Dumbledore and he...
He was Harry Potter, the boy under the cupboard — our new... celebrity — the boy who lived.
Who, Severus?
And they all came to him and through him and Severus Snape drowned in them.
And drowned and drowned and drowned. Drowned in their sorrow, in their joy, and in their anguish. He drowned in their happiness, the happiness he's never truly felt until he met—
—but then he lost...
An eternity.
He lost an eternity. He was lost for eternity.
He was lost at sea.
He was drowning.
Drowning as Harry. As Lily. As Petunia. As Eileen, as Tobias, as Remus, Draco, Albus, Minerva, AliceNevilleJamesSirius—
But most all, as Severus Snape.
He drowned in the memories, in the despair of the boy that had been Severus Snape. Drowned in the grief-driven guilt, in the bitter hatred that clawed at the man who was Severus Snape.
And on and on it went.
The first person you failed —
And my soul, Dumbledore? Mine?
— was you.
And it was a deathless death.
Over and over. The pain, the joy, the grief, the greed, the disgust, the sins, the hate, the pride, the fool, the fool, the fool.
And then he was just Severus Snape again. No man, no boy.
Just Severus.
Gasping, he curled into himself, laying against the hard floor. Clothed, but bare and empty. Yet so full. So so full. Of voices, of them, of himself.
And the darkness took him.
...
..
.
Severus?
He felt...
Severus?
He didn't want to awake.
Severus.
Something shook, his body raising itself.
Wake up, Severus.
And he opened his eyes, meeting whiteness.
"What did you see, Severus?"
Everything.
"Everything?"
He blinked. It was white.
The world was white.
Except for the one who stood in front of him.
It was dark. Dark and so so bright.
Shining, glimmering, glowing.
A shining, glimmering, glowing darkness.
"Are you ready?"
For?
"The Gift."
Gift?
"Yes."
The world shifted as he shook his head, but his body felt heavy.
It didn't feel like his.
Who was he?
"Severus."
Severus...
Sev
"Your gift, Severus."
His gift?
"It is yours if you want it."
If—
"But you must convince him first."
Convince who?
"Severus."
And the world turned dark once more
...
..
.
Severus Snape was having a strange dream. In truth, he has been having many incoherent dreams lately. Ever since the headaches, at least.
They started as soon as he had said goodbye to Lily at the platform. Sunlit hair had been the last glimpse he'd had of her before he stalked off to find his mother. It had gotten worse the closer he got to Spinner's End. Head pounding, he'd been relieved that his father wasn't home. His mother spoke no words as she picked him up and on their journey to Spinner's End.
At Spinner's End, there were only two truths: his father's wrath and his mother's despair. When he had been a child, the two often brewed storms that shook and rattled Spinner's End. But his father's fists spoke louder than his mother's words.
So Spinner's End was a place of wrath and despair... of his father's fists and his mother's silence. And now headaches.
Headaches and dreams.
Severus stood amongst a dark place. A hilltop of some sorts. It was a forlorn place with the wind whistling around him. He didn't recognize this place... except for the distant background. He looked out across the hilltop to the distance. He knew those lights, knew those towers and windows. Hogwarts?
Then there was a loud shout behind him.
"Don't kill me!"
That voice. No. It couldn't be. Severus whirled around and faced... himself? And Albus Dumbledore? Except that it wasn't him. Or at least, it couldn't be him. The 'him' he faced was older, eyes shadowed and face wearing a weight he didn't have. The older him was on his knees before Dumbledore, the headmaster's robes whipping around him as the wind continued to blow around them.
His body stiffened at the next words that came from Dumbledore's voice. "Well, Severus? What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"
He flinched at the name of the Dark Lord, eyes growing wide as he stared at the scene. What was going on? What was this? Why-
"-he thinks it means Lily Evans!"
He? Severus took a step towards them, hands raising and clenching.
"The prophecy did not refer to a woman," said Dumbledore. "It spoke of a boy born at the end of July-"
"You know what I mean! He thinks it means her son, he is going to hunt her down - kill them all -"
No. At the word kill, Severus let out a deep cry. Not Lily. Whatever this was, he wanted it to end. He didn't want to see this anymore. He - and the hilltop and everything with it, the older Snape, the headmaster, the wind, dissolved away and faded into a hallway.
Books were thrown around and everything was eerily silent besides the cry of a baby. Severus was frozen, eyes wide as he stared at the picture that had fallen on the ground. It was a photo of Lily. Lily and Potter. Together. Their arms circling each other, their picture moving into a kiss and a laugh.
His heart twisted. Lily with Potter? How -
And then older Snape walked up the stairs and Severus tore his eyes away from the photo to follow older Snape as the man made his way down the hallway towards the crying. The baby hadn't stopped. In fact, it has only grown louder as the time went.
Severus was afraid to follow. But something pushed him forward and he followed older Snape, freezing when he saw older Snape stagger against the doorframe where the crying was coming from. Why -
And he saw it. Red. Green. The floor. On the floor. No.
Nononononononnonono-
Severus fell onto his knees, mimicking that of older Snape, the man crawling towards -
No. No. It couldn't be. Severus cried out, his pain echoing that of the older Snape. He covered his ears, eyes squeezed shut. But the baby continued crying, the older Snape continued crying, and something inside of him was tearing apart. This wasn't true. None of this was true. It couldn't be true. The body... it couldn't be -
And silence. But the tearing continued. He cried into his palms, his body shaking violently. Not Lily.
Not Lily.
It couldn't be Lily.
"That is your future."
His body stiffened at the voice. It was familiar, yet not. Foreign. Not something he quite knew, but something he recognized. Something beyond his grasp. Breath stuttering to escape, he removed his hands and stared at the figure in front of him. Older Snape stood a few steps away from him. Eyes boring down at him. He was different from the other Snape. Older, lines on his face that weren't there before. Eyes dark and wearing shadows that were even darker than he thought possible.
"That is your future," the older Snape whispered again, lips tilted into a frown.
"No." The denial slipped from his lips as he pushed himself up. He was shorter than this Snape. "No."
The older Snape's chest fell and rose with each breath he took, his eyes tearing into Severus. "No?" A step forward. Severus took a step back. Older Snape cocked a brow even as he sneered at him. "Do you think a simple 'no' will stop Lily from-"
"NO!" Severus clenched his fists, shoulders trembling as he let out a haggard breath. The word echoed in the darkness and in between the space that separated them. "Don't say it. It wasn't her. This," a swallow, his throat dry. "None of this real. It's just a dream. Just a nightmare. Just..."
"Oh," the sound was drawled out as older Snape blinked at him, sneer disappearing. "And it is a nightmare. Your future." A pause. "Our future."
Severus shook his head, teeth gnawing together as he tried to control his shaking. "What is this? A curse? A-"
"A gift." Older Snape narrowed his eyes at Severus. "A warning. You should heed it."
A gift? Warning? Severus didn't understand. But the thought of Lily dying... that this could and might be his future... no. He couldn't accept it. Not Lily. Lily was too good to die. Not that young and not so tragically.
The very idea that in his future... the possible chance that his future wouldn't have Lily... No. He blinked from his thoughts as older Snape took a step closer to him. This time, he didn't take a step back. He met the older Snape's eyes, flinching but holding still even as he wanted to run away.
"How? How do I prevent this future?"
"What would you give for Lily?" Older Snape paused in his sentence, his eyes looking into the darkness. A shadow fell over his face, his eyes closing. "What is worth her life, Severus?"
There was a moment of silence, Severus studying the older man. What was Lily worth? Lily Evans. His best friend. The girl he loved. The sunshine in his life, the only spark of happiness he's ever felt in his miserable life. Severus Snape was many things, but it wasn't until Lily that he felt like those things mattered.
It was until someone showed him that he mattered that he felt like life was worth it. So what would he give for Lily? Anything echoed into his ears, but he didn't know where it came from. Only that it came from the voice of the man in front of him. But the man hadn't opened his mouth and the words were drawn from an echo.
Anything.
No.
That wasn't enough. It wasn't nearly enough. He had a feeling that the man before him...this Severus Snape. He gave once gave anything for her and she still died.
So if anything wasn't enough...then...
He spoke his next words without any hesitance.
"Everything."
A pause. A blink. Older Snape nodded slowly, eyes reopening. He turned back to Severus and suddenly was just a breath away. Slowly, older Snape raised his arm, hand reaching towards Severus.
Severus sucked in a breath, heart pounding against his chest as a strange ringing pierced the air. His body was cold, a chill that wasn't there before, entering his body. The tattoo of his heart picked up, eyes widening. But he heard older Snape's next words clearly even as his vision began to blur, the ringing deafening now.
"Then everything it will be."
A soft touch to his forehead and pain exploded into him.
...
..
.
A/N: So I love Severus. But I have recently joined social media and realize that there are a lot of people who hate him. So this story came out of the debates I've entered/joined/seen.
I am unsure of where I am going with it. But I am trying to improve my writing skills so here are some things I will be doing with this story:
1) Avoiding Severus POV: I am challenging myself to not write the rest of this story from Severus' POV and instead will try to jump into other people's POV and how they react/change/etc with Sev's time traveling. At the moment, I have a lot planned for James, Lily, Regulus, and Minerva.
2) Mental Health Topic: It will be dark. I will be discussing Severus' depression and other darker parts of Severus so if you are triggered by these things, please do not read this fic.
3) Come to terms with Severus Snape and the hate for him from the fandom: This fic is stemming from my conflict about Sev. I've love him since the Half-Blooded Prince and I've come to realize that he's not a good person and that I've forgotten that he's done a lot of terrible things. It's a realization that you can love someone (fictional and in reality) while also knowing that they are not good people. That you can love a bad person. But what does that mean?
So this is sorta a redemption fic for him to myself. Maybe.
4) Jily, not Snily: TBH, at the moment, I am forecasting Lily and James to be end goal of this story, but it won't be the focus. This actually might change because I did start this story idea as a Snily end goal...but then all the debates happened and I am unsure.
So let me know what you think: are you Snily or Jily? Do you like Sev, don't care, or etc? How do you feel about James, etc?