Road Trip with Cyclops and Jean Grey
I do not own any X-Men: Evolution characters going on a mile-wide, cross-country road trip of complete, utter chaos. Just an example of my insane mind. Enjoy! R&R
Chapter 1
"You have got to be kidding me." Logan grunted as he was seated in the overly crammed X-Trailer van filled with the luggage.
"Hey c'mon now, Wolverine." Scott piped up in the driver's seat before continuing "At least it would be a good idea to see the world, see some sights, live foot-loose and…"
"If you even finish that sentence, there's gonna be a loose foot!" Logan growled, his claws out
"On the road again, I can't wait to get on the high road again…" Jean droned drunkenly as she staggered into the van carrying a large bottle of ginger ale before making an enormous burp
"Oh my egging God! Jean, what the hell's the matter with you? Sheesh, can't you not burp with your mouth closed?" Logan gasped in disgust, weary of Jean's odious breath of caffeine in his face
"Oh boy. This is gonna be a long trip. Well Scott, where to?" Rogue groaned, trying to keep her make-up kit from falling off and damaging the van, since it cost Scott $450 million to buy it
"Oh I thought we might visit…Las Vegas!" Scott roared wildly, tossing out poker chips and opening and chugging a bottle of Michelob
"Scott? Uh…you know you're not supposed to drink that, right?" Kurt asked sheepishly…
Two minutes later….
"'Get the beer, he said.' 'You'll get drunk and have a hangover, I said.' 'I mean it, I said.' "Ever since that incident at that college party, its been nothing but beer, beer, beer, for goodness sakes! Geez! You'd think Scott would likely take up alcohol rehab!" Jean ranted as Rogue was snoring in boredom due to the futile situation
"Hey, hey Kurt. Hand me more a' them burritos, eh?" Scott blubbered drunkenly, trying to drive while looking at the Road Map and balancing his portable stock market ratings phone
"Scott, for God's sake, you know you're not supposed to drive while texting!" Kitty shrieked in horror.
"Eh, relax. What could happen?" Scott asked rhetorically, not knowing he was driving straight for a manure farm.
"CRASH! SPLAT! BLAM!"
"Watch it, you moron!" Rogue shouted, waving her fist at a manure worker while swiping manure off her hair.
"LOOK OUT!" Jean hollered as they headed over the ravine
"SMASH! NEIGHHH!" "BAHHH!" "SCREECH!"
"Thank you Andre, I'll have the veal piccata…" Scott mumbled before passing out.
"Jean? Are we still in America?" Bobby asked rhetorically. Jean just rolled her eyes. Too much cabin fever she thought.
One minute later…
"How in the hell did I get talked into this?!" Jean yelled as she, Logan, Peter and Gambit were at a nightclub
"Oh come on Jean mon ami. Surely, you'd like to enjoy the nightlife, eh?" Remy blubbered insanely
"Hey, move it, Cajun." Logan grunted, shoving Gambit off his stool and on top of Jean. "Oy! Garcon! Where the hell's my wine?" He shouted drunkenly
"Logan, I think you've had enough wine for today. Let's just…" Peter commented before Logan grabbed him by the shirt collar
"Toro! Toro!" Logan hollered in a fake Mexican accent while snatching a burly biker's jacket
"Oh no, this is not good." Peter gulped as the biker stood over Logan with a fierce look
"Hand it over, flatfoot." The biker grunted
"Oh, you mean…this?!" Logan smirked, spraying mace into the biker's face.
"Aaargh! My eyes!" The biker screamed, aiming for Logan but missing and hitting a nearby fuse box.
"Uh oh." Jean gulped as the fuse box started to spark. Then there was a tremendous electrical explosion as the lights went completely off.
"Check please." Logan babbled before passing out as Jean hoisted him up and got out of the now-demolished bar
"say, where's Scott? And Kurt? Didn't they say they were going to get food or something?" Jean asked rhetorically
"Uh, Jean…I think you should see this." Remy gulped as he handed Jean a monthly copy of Model Magazine.
"WHAT?!" Jean roared, echoing throughout the city
One day later…
"Uhhh…my head…where the bloody hell am I?" Scott mumbled, not noticing he was in a hotel room. "Whoa…hold on now, naked, beautiful brunette…uh, three glasses of caviar wine…uh, oh dear…a photo of Cindy Crawford?!"Scott gasped before Jean entered in a more sluggish state than him
"Oy, what a weird dream I had…we were driving for hours in the middle of nowhere, we come across this huge manure truck…get lost, tied up, taken to Scandinavia…made out with Russian diplomatic bachelors…uh, got arrested…oh. I guess that wasn't a dream, was it?" Jean asked embarrassed.
"Well, look whos talking!? And will somebody, for the love of Monty Python, get Kurt OUT OF THE ICE BOX!" Rogue bellowed as Bobby entered wearing nothing but his brown shorts, a torn-up white shirt, and a mangled tree branch necklace.
"Whoa, dudes! Did you see that UFO last night? Dude, it was totally groovy, baby! Far out!" Bobby blubbered in a strange Austin Powers accent
"Did you let Bobby watch Austin Powers again?! You know he acts crazy when he sees stuff like that!" Jean snapped
"GET IN MY BELLY!" Bobby screamed at a whimpered Kurt
"First, you're not Mike Myers. Second, you're a mutant. And third, put some clothes on!" Rogue screeched as she dragged a totally drunk Logan into the now crowded hotel room
"What the hell's with him?" Scott asked, noticing Wolverine with multiple bruises
"Let's just say Logan got mixed with some bikers and leave it at that, comprende?" Ororo instructed
"Is that…is that hair gel?" Logan asked as he sniffed Scott's hair for traces of gel
"GET OFF ME! Jeez, what the heck, man?! You're totally drunk, you know that?! Nobody has consumed more alcohol in Las Vegas in a hundred years!" Scott ranted hysterically
"Smart move for you to rent American Gangster last night, Jean. Yesterday, he was acting like Denzel Washington's character for three freakin hours! He always kept saying "My man" when something awesome happens!" Rogue grunted
"My man." Scott grinned at an embarrassed Rogue while Jean was nonetheless amused by Scott's acting
"Bravisimo. You should consider acting. That'd be an excellent career." Jean said approvingly
"Uh, earth to Jean? Mission Control speaking: Mutants in Hollywood, of all places! NEVAH! Hoo-ah!" Rogue shrieked
"OK, Al Pacino wannabe, let's pack up and amscray. I hear police sirens comin'." Bobby added nervously as police troopers entered the building
"Wait!" The brunette followed them.
"Well, that's just great. We get mixed in a model misunderstanding, get boozed at a bar, have sex with a brunette chick, are tailed by cops, now the chick wants to get involved in this triangle of trouble!?" Rogue barked
"To be fair, she may be useful. After all, she did work with Cindy Crawford." Scott replied, drooling over the photo of Cindy
"Oh dear." Jean moaned. "This trip can't get any more crazier…"
Later that evening…
"You just had to say that, didn't you Jean?!" Bobby snapped as he, Jean, and the X-Gang were in a prison cell block
"Well at least this jumpsuit fits perfectly. Do you think they have bungee jumping activities here?" Scott giggled insanely
"Yes, they do have bungee jumpers. NO THEY DON'T!" Rogue hollered
"WHOOPEE! Jailhouse Rock!" Scott whooped while getting angry remarks from the prison wardens.
"Well, now what do we do?" Rogue asked in boredom while seeing Scott slip through the prison door. "Scott! What in the Sam Hill are you doing?!" she screamed
"Getting us out of prison. In technological terms, of course." Scott whispered
"Oh that's great. Also, James Bond called. He wants his laser watch back!" Rogue commented sarcastically not noticing Scott had sneaked into the security station. "Oh boy. This is just great. Here we are in the slammer, and our crazy leader's trying to get us out using newfangled sci-fi doohickeys." Rogue moaned before a loud explosion occurred.
"What in God's name was that?!" Bobby asked nervously before hearing a familiar sounding victory yell.
"Looks like Scott took out the security. Literally. In explosive terms, of course." Rogue grinned.
"OK gang, the car's out in the parking lot!" Scott ordered as he cut loose the prison door with his visor.
"Wow! This is like something from that show where that guy gets out of prison by digging tunnels! What was it again?" Jean asked dreamily before Rogue grabbed her arm with a swift motion
"Save it for later, Red!" Logan barked "Let's get out of here!"
Two minutes later…
"Daddy, daddy get me out of here!" Remy sang as the van sped along on the road
"You just had to bring the David Bowie CDs, didn't you?" Jean moaned
"To be fair, he sounds good." Scott commented, while moving his head to the beat
"Listen guys, its 3 in the morning. Can we at least get some sleep? I…I haven't had a good snooze in weeks." Tabitha moaned, trying to keep her bloodshot eyes open
"Jean, are we there yet?" Remy sang as they sped through
"No, Gambit, no we're not." Logan replied grouchily
"How bout now?" Remy added
"No god damn…it GAMBIT!" Logan yelled
"You just had to let him watch DragonBall Z Abridged, didn't you?" Rogue commented
"Hey Logan." Remy piped up
"WHAT?!" Logan grouched
"Don't drop the soap." Remy joked
"AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!" Logan roared as the van drove through the Rocky Mountains