Back to December

I'm so glad you made time to see me. How's life? Tell me how's your family? I haven't seen them in awhile. You've been good busier than ever. We make small talk work and the weather. Your guard is up and I know why. The last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind. You gave me roses and I left them there to die. So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night. I go back to December all the time. Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you. I wish I realized what I had when you were mine. I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright. I go back to December all the time.

Flashback: Dean took a deep breath and knocked on Cassie's office door. He told himself he was just looking for a connection between the victims. When Cassie opened the door she nervously breathed, "Dean?"

Dean answered in a quiet voice, "Hey."

Cassie smiled, "Come in."

Dean entered the office and saw Cassie with a folder in her hand, "Are you busy or?"

Cassie sighed and spoke sadly, "Paper is doing a tribute to Jimmy. I was going through his things trying to find the words. He taught me everything. Where's your brother?"

Dean coked his head to the side and answered, "Not here."

Cassie smiled, "What brings you here?"

Dean took a deep breath and used the excuse he had come up with earlier, "Trying to find a connection between the three victims. By the way did you talk to your mom?"

Cassie shook her head, "Yeah. She didn't want to talk about it."

Dean nodded, "So why did you ask where my brother was?"

Cassie snorted, "Nothing. Not important."

Dean cut Cassie off "Could it be because it's just and me and not you me and Sam which would be easier?"

Cassie sighed, "It's not easier. I look. I just…"

Dean snapped, "No. Forget it. It's fine we'll keep it strictly business."

Cassie tossed her hair over her shoulder and snorted, "I forgot that you do that?"

Dean looked confused, "Do what?"

Cassie cut Dean off getting more annoyed, "Whenever we get what is the word? I don't know close show anywhere in the neighborhood of emotional vulnerability you back off or make some joke or find any way to shut the door on me."

Dean snapped harshly, "I'm not the one who took that big final door and slammed it. I'm not the one who took the key and buried it."

Cassie took a step back, "Are we done with the metaphor?"

Dean calmed down slightly, "All I'm saying is I was totally up front with you back then and you nailed me with it."

Cassie sighed in frustration, "The guy I'm with. The guy I think might be in my future. Tells me he professionally pops ghosts…"

Dean cut Cassie off, "Those aren't the words I used."

Cassie snapped, "That he has to leave to go help his father!"

Dean's temper flared again, "I did."

Cassie was trying to keep from crying, "All I could think about was if you want out fine but don't tell me this insane story!"

Dean took a deep breath, "It was the truth Cassie. I notice it didn't sound so insane the minute you thought I could help you."

Cassie felt the tears prick her eyes again, "Back then I thought you just wanted to dump me."

Dean took several deep breaths and tried to keep Cassie from seeing the hurt on his face, "Whoa let's not forget who dumped who."

Cassie was having a harder time keeping her emotions hidden, "I thought it was what you wanted."

Dean snapped, "Well it wasn't."

Cassie's voice broke when she yelled, "I didn't mean to hurt you."

Dean yelled, "Well you did."

Cassie gasped out, "I'm sorry."

It was the only words she was able to get out before Dean clashed his lips to hers."

End flashback:

It had been three weeks since Dean and Sam had left. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks. Quickly she wiped a hand across her face when she heard someone behind her. She closed her eyes so that whoever it was didn't see her red rimmed eyes. Her heart stopped for a second when she heard a deep voice, "If you want them to things usually work themselves out. I'm still involved in my dad's work but…"

Cassie lifted her head, "Dean? What? I thought you and Sam? I thought? The truck it's gone right? Is Sam ok?"

Dean nodded feeling guilty when he saw the tear streaks on the young woman's cheeks, "Yeah. Everything is fine. There is just something I forgot to do…"

Cassie sniffed and looked down at the desk when she motioned, "Have a seat."

Dean sat down at the desk and silently tried to figure out what he was doing here in the first place. Two of his dad's rules were one don't draw attention to yourself. They did what they had to do and kept quiet about it. Two they never used the same crapper twice. Dean had broken both of those rules with Cassie. Once when he had told her what he did because he loved her too much to lie to her and anymore and he had broken the second rule by coming back to see again after they had finished the job. The only reason he was sitting in Cassie's office right now was because of his dad's other most important rule second only to take care of Sam- always finish what you start.

Dean was broken out of his memories by Cassie asking in a quiet voice, "Where's your brother?"

Dean thinking to himself, "Are we really going to start this again?"

He didn't say this instead he answered, "Not here."

Cassie smiled trying to keep her hopes from getting too high, "So what are you doing here?"

Dean sighed, "I have something to finish Cassie. I told you that."

Cassie's smile fell from her face, "Dean I meant what I said a few weeks ago. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I relive that night in my head every night. All the time I want to go back and take back everything I said. Dean you aren't crazy. You aren't a freak. You are a great guy who has seen some really terrible things. I'm the freak for letting you walk out of my life. That night you told me I remember you took me out to dinner and you brought me roses. You told me how much you loved me and I…"

Dean took Cassie's hand seeing her eyes fill up with tears, "Don't. Cassie. It's ok."

Cassie shook her head as a single tear rolled down her cheek. She barely noticed Dean's calloused thumb brush it away. She fell forward and rested her head on Dean's shoulder, "No it's not ok. You were right. You told me who you really were. You loved me enough to tell me the truth."

These days I haven't been sleeping. Staying up playing back myself leaving when your birthday passed and I didn't call. I think about summer all the beautiful times. I watched you laughing from the passenger side. I realized I loved you in the fall. The cold came the dark days and fear crept into my mind. You gave me all your love. All I gave you was goodbye. I miss your tan skin your sweet smile. So good to me so right how you held me in your arms that September night the first time you ever saw me cry. Maybe this is wishful thinking. Probably mindless dreaming if we loved again I swear I'd love you right. I'd go back in time and change it but I can't. If the chain is on your door I understand. This is me swallowing my pride. Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night. I go back to December all the time. Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you. Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine. I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright. I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright. I go back to December all the time.

Dean stayed with his arms around Cassie long after she had stopped crying. Cassie cleared her throat and wiped at her eyes with the Kleenex Dean handed her, "I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from."

Dean sighed and pushed Cassie back long enough to meet her eyes, "No more excuses from either of us. Ok?"

Cassie smiled sadly. She really didn't want to tell Dean what had been going on since he left. Once she had her bearings she spoke softly, "Ok. I haven't been sleeping well these past few weeks. I guess I've just been over tired. I've been pulling all nighters writing for the paper. Jimmy would be proud of how much work I've been putting it. My mom on the other hand not so much. She tried telling me I wasn't sleeping because I missed you. That's crazy right?"

Dean nodded, "Yeah crazy. I know. Well I should head back to the motel before Sam wonders where I am. You should really get some sleep. Do you want me to walk you home?"

Cassie shook her head, "No I have to finish this article for Friday's paper. I'll be heading home soon anyway. Do you want to wait for me to finish up?"

Dean smiled sadly, "Nah. I'm beat and Sam is probably going ape crazy wondering where I snuck off to. I should head back goodnight Cassie."

Cassie didn't meet his eyes when she murmured, "Goodnight Dean."

When Cassie went home that night she pulled out a picture of her and Dean taken by a group of her friends when they had just started go out. She stared at the picture and her eyes filled with tears. She whispered to the ceiling, "No. Dean it's not crazy. My mom's right. I don't sleep at night because I miss you. I don't just miss you. I'm in love with you but I screwed that up because I was afraid. You were so kind to me when I called you looking for help even after what I did to you. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. You probably don't ever want to see me again."

Cassie couldn't lie there anymore. She stood up and quietly made her way to the motel that Dean said he was staying at. She nervously knocked on the door. She heard the chain lock click and started to turn away. Then she heard a rough voice ask, "Cassie? What are you doing out here?"

Cassie shivered in her black dress regretting that in her hurry she forgot to grab a coat. The fresh falling snow lingered in her dark hair. Dean took off his leather jacket, "You cold?"

Cassie started to shake her head but Dean draped the jacket over her shoulders anyway, "Humor me."

Cassie nodded her thanks and then looked down at the snow covered steps, "I'm sorry I woke you. I should be going. Here's your jacket back."

Dean only let Cassie take three steps before crushing his lips to hers passionately. Cassie was stunned for a few seconds but she eventually returned the kiss with just as much force. When they both broke apart it was only for the need to breathe. Cassie smiled at Dean her lips were still tingling from the forceful yet gentle way he kissed her. Dean smiled back, "Come in where it's warm. You look tired."

Cassie looked worried, "What about Sam? I don't want to wake him up."

Dean rubbed Cassie's arm, "Don't worry about it. You can have my bed. I'll sleep on the couch. I don't want you driving in this storm Cassie."

The young woman shook her head Dean was stubborn but she was to, "You aren't sleeping on that hard couch. I remember your back. Dean. Sleep up here with me?"

Dean sighed he was torn between what he wanted to do and what he thought he should do, "I've slept on worse than that couch Cassie. I'll be fine."

Cassie batted her eyelashes she knew why Dean wouldn't get into bed with her, "Just to sleep. We'll both stay warmer that way. Please."

Dean nodded and crawled up onto the bed beside Cassie. He was pleasantly surprised when he felt her burry her face into his neck breathing in his scent. In a sleep filled voice she breathed, "I love you."

Dean smiled and rubbed his cheek in the young woman's hair, "I love you to Cassie. I'm still very involved in my dad's work."

Cassie sat up halfway and spoke seriously, "No more excuses. If you want things to work out then they usually do."

Dean smiled and kissed Cassie passionately for a long time until they fell asleep in each other's arms. Yes things were complicated right now but it would be worth every struggle just to see the smile brighten her whole face.