gradient white, a code geass fanfic

a/n: prompt linked in profile (because spoilers). Warnings: major character death, mentions of suicide.

Suzaku woke to white ceilings.

He blinked, and turned his head to where someone was holding his hand to their forehead. Black hair hid his face from view. The man slowly raised his face as he realised Suzaku was conscious and choked out, "you idiot." His face was wet.

The man had shocking purple eyes, Suzaku thought. Suzaku felt so tired, and so warm. Like death warmed over. He closed his eyes.

The man from yesterday was there again.

This time he stared silently as Suzaku struggled to focus, before letting sleep take over.

The next time Suzaku opened his eyes, he had the energy to speak a little. "You're the strangest doctor," he said.

The man stared at him. He still had a grip on Suzaku's hand, but his eyes were dry. "What makes you think I'm a doctor?"

"Aren't you?" Suzaku asks. "You're dressed like one."

The man looked down, and blinked rapidly, as though he hadn't noticed the white coat he was wearing. "Yes," he sighed. "I suppose I am."

"Why am I here?" Suzaku asked.

The man shook his head. "I can't answer that."

"Can you at least tell me how much longer I'll be in here for?" Suzaku pressed.

The man paused. He said, "twenty six more days."

"Why so precise?"

The man looked away. "You tried to kill yourself," he said simply. "Your body won't hold on for much longer than that."

"Oh," Suzaku said, surprised by how little he felt. "Alright."

The man leant back in his seat, and brought a hand to his mouth. He was silent for the rest of Suzaku's waking hours for that day.

He was able to sit up a little the next. "Why don't I remember anything?"

The man had become guarded since they first met. He never offered the opening to a conversation, and Suzaku found it hard to begin one, his memory being what it was. Mostly they just sat – or lay, in Suzaku's case – in soporific silence.

"You will in time." The man shook his head at Suzaku's expression, black hair falling to settle in his eyes. "Sleep for now. Try again tomorrow."

Suzaku did. He woke with a name on his lips. "Suzaku. My name's Suzaku."

The man smiled a little at that. It was a nice contrast to the rest of his wane and pale face. "That it is. Do you remember anything else?"

Suzaku frowned. There was a name at the edge of his consciousness, something that began with an L. Lionel, perhaps, but that felt wrong. Like sharp edges trying to fit through curved grooves. "Like what?"

"Like why you're here." The man said it lightly, but his eyes were grave.

"No." Suzaku shook his head. It was odd. Surely if he had tried to die, he would have remembered the cause if nothing else. The method even, but Suzaku can't spy any tell-tale injuries on his body. He can't feel any either; mostly he just feels tired. "Can't you tell me? I thought you were a doctor."

The man steepled his fingers, and rested his chin on them. "I can't remember for you. You have to do that yourself."

He said nothing more on the subject.

"Logan," Suzaku tried.

The man raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"I'm trying to remember your name," Suzaku said. "It begins with an 'L', I know that much."

"Well, it isn't Logan," the man said, but he seemed pleased. Suzaku liked that. "Try again."

It came to him.

"Lelouch," Suzaku said with triumph.

Lelouch smiled, and Suzaku thought that he would like to see that expression on Lelouch's face more often. There was something about him that seemed terribly exhausted all the time. The smile alleviated that a little.

Not everything came to him so easily. It was uncomfortable, the way feelings and memories lurked at the edge of his edges of his mind. Like having a word on the tip of his tongue, but magnified infinitely.

"Did I love you?"

Lelouch tilted his head, face unreadable. "What makes you say that?"

"I'm not sure," Suzaku said slowly. "I just feel...a great affection towards you."

Lelouch tapped his fingers on the arm of his chair in consideration. "We were close friends," Lelouch said finally. "The closest of friends. We could achieve anything together," and he gave an odd half small at that. "But no, you didn't love me. At least, not the way I did you."

"Oh."

"It's fine," Lelouch said, but he reached out hesitantly to comb his fingers through Suzaku's hair. "I didn't mind."

"Are you sure I didn't love you?" Suzaku asked.

"I told you I didn't mind, didn't I?" Lelouch looks mildly amused.

"No, it's." Suzaku felt vaguely frustrated. He wasn't entirely certain he knew why.

Suzaku gave in, and threw caution to the wind. He leant in and kissed Lelouch gently.

Lelouch froze. When Suzaku pulled back, Lelouch licked his lips and asked, "what was that for?"

"Well, you like me," Suzaku said. "And...I think I like you, even if you seem convinced otherwise. But I figure that you're not inside my head, so maybe you're wrong, and maybe I do like you after all. Isn't that how these things go?"

Lelouch hesitated, emotions flickering over his face, but said, "I suppose your reasoning is sound enough."

Suzaku leant in.

Suzaku found a long brown hair on Lelouch's sleeve. "Another patient's?"

Lelouch's face turned a sickened green. "In a way."

Lelouch was visibly anxious. Suzaku watched as he paced the length of the room. "Sit down for a bit?"

Lelouch shook his head, and breathed deeply. He closed his eyes, but at least he stopped pacing. "I don't think that would help." He opened his eyes and said hesitantly, "would you mind if I lay next to you?"

"Of course," Suzaku said. When he reached for Lelouch's shirt, thinking that was where this was headed, Lelouch subverted him by moving closer and holding him tightly.

"I just need you to be here," Lelouch said.

Suzaku held him back. "Okay."

Lelouch was very, very quiet, and deathly still. They spent the day lying next to each other in silence.

Suzaku woke to a kind, open face, and a hand stroking his hair. He stared up into pale, purple eyes. "Hello."

"Hello," the woman replied. She smiled. "How do you feel?"

"Tired," Suzaku replied honestly.

The woman's smile faltered. She leaned in to brush her lips against his forehead, and her long brown hair hid the room from his view. "I'm very sorry," she murmured.

"For what?"

The woman didn't answer. Her face turned serious, and she said very quietly, "I'm afraid I don't have much time to speak. Lelouch misses you so much, but he doesn't want to – " Her words turned to a faint buzzing in his ears. Then he blinked, and he could hear every word as clearly as summer rain. " – but you need to do what you want to do. Do you understand?"

Suzaku nodded, suddenly tired.

"Go to sleep," the woman said. "I'll be leaving ahead of you, and – " her voice broke a little. "Thank you. For everything. I really was truly grateful, but I never really had the chance to say it to you before – " and her words turned to static. He tried to concentrate on her voice, but the call of sleep was too great.

Lelouch didn't appear at all that day.

"There was a woman here the day before yesterday," Suzaku told Lelouch.

Lelouch had been looking pale and withdrawn from the moment Suzaku had opened his eyes. "Oh?"

"Yeah. She tried to tell me something about you." Suzaku reached for Lelouch's cheek. "And – something else."

Lelouch closed his eyes, and leaned into Suzaku's touch. "Don't strain," he said. His skin was paper-dry under Suzaku's hand. "It'll come to you in time."

Suzaku frowned, not liking Lelouch's expression. He pulled Lelouch towards him. "Come here."

It was a slow realisation, but a solid one.

"None of this is real, is it," Suzaku said.

"What makes you say that?" Lelouch asked.

Suzaku looked at the bed covers. "Well, I'm dead," he reasoned. When Lelouch didn't react, he knew it to be true, and something in his head cleared. He heard the woman's last words in his mind as clearly as though she was still speaking in the same room: I really was truly grateful, but I never really had the chance to say it to you before I died. Maybe if I did, you wouldn't have followed me so soon.

"That doesn't mean none of this isn't real," Lelouch replied

"If both of us – the three of us – are dead, then how are we speaking? How are we existing?"

"I'm not sure," Lelouch said. He sat up, and leant against the headboard. His eyes were closed. "I think here, these rooms, I think they're meant to be purgatory. I can slip back and forth between here and death easily enough, but only if someone I knew well is here." Lelouch smiled wryly. "Precious little in my life made sense in hindsight. It'd be foolish to think that death would bend itself to reason where life would not."

Suzaku woke with name in his mind. "Nunnally."

Lelouch let out a huff of air, and closed his eyes. "Yes. What else?"

Suzaku hesitated. "Euphemia."

"Ah." Lelouch hid his face in Suzaku's shirt, but said nothing more.

Suzaku cradled Lelouch's head against his chest. "If it helps, what I felt towards her is different to what I felt towards you."

Suzaku felt Lelouch twitching in curiosity before he gave in. "Different how?"

"I'm not sure," Suzaku admitted. "It's like...whatever I felt for Euphemia was sweeter. But what I felt for you stretched wider, and more turbulent extremes. Surely that means something?" When Lelouch was quiet, Suzaku said, "I'm sorry, I still don't remember everything."

Lelouch lifted his head at that. He sat up on his elbows. "Don't apologise," he said, serious. "It was never," his voice cracked, "it was never our custom to apologise."

"Maybe we should have," Suzaku said.

"No," Lelouch said, and there's something in his eyes that Suzaku doesn't examine too closely because he can't. "That was never one of my regrets."

"Nunnally died," Suzaku said to the ceiling.

Beside him, Lelouch stirred. "Yes."

"And I..."

"Moved into the pathway of a bullet aimed at Schneizel," Lelouch finished. "Do you remember now?"

"Nunnally had been dead a fortnight," Suzaku said. Something cold trickled down his cheeks, and he closed his eyes. "I didn't – I didn't know what to do."

Lelouch was silent. He reached across the gap between them to take Suzaku's hand in his.

"You couldn't have prevented it," Lelouch murmured.

"I know," Suzaku said, with uncertain truth.

Suzaku woke up to see the far wall had two doors inset in it overnight.

"Some are given a choice," Lelouch said, so softly that Suzaku had to strain to hear. "I don't know the condition your body's in, so I can't really say. But I know this much: one door leads to death; the other to life."

Lelouch had his forehead on Suzaku's shoulder. Suzaku asked, "will you tell me which is which?"

"Of course," Lelouch breathed.

"Nunnally visited me the other week," Suzaku said.

Lelouch was carefully blank. "What did she say?"

Suzaku frowned as the fuzzy edges of his memories solidified. "She said – she said that you're afraid of telling me what to do. That you think you'll let emotion rule over what should be done."

Lelouch smiled. "She grew up to be so clever."

"Was she wrong?"

Lelouch pressed his forehead against his clasped hands, as though saying a prayer. His back formed a quiet curve from the base of his spine to the back of his neck. "No."

Suzaku ran his hands through Lelouch's hair. "What would you have me do?"

"I don't want to say," Lelouch whispered, miserable.

Suzaku brushed his lips against Lelouch's head. "Tell me tomorrow."

"Geass is like a wish," Lelouch said slowly.

"What happens if I don't decide?" Suzaku asked. "If I just stay in bed, and let the day elapse?"

Lelouch looked at him as though he wanted to say something at length. He instead said with great finality, "then you move onto neither. Limbo."

"I craved death," Suzaku reflected. "That was – that was the beauty of Zero Requiem."

"You paid your debts." Lelouch held him closer. "You shouldn't crave it still."

"Nunnally – "

"You couldn't have prevented it," Lelouch repeated, voice insistent. And then, more quiet, "Zero still has a role to play."

"I missed you so much," Suzaku admitted into Lelouch's shoulder. "Those first few months – I missed you so much it hurt to breathe, knowing you couldn't. And then time passed, but the feeling didn't fade, it just. It just came and went. I'm not sure I could go through that first period again."

Lelouch wrapped his arm tighter around Suzaku's waist. "No matter which door you choose," he said slowly, "we will meet again."

Lelouch awoke him with a hand on his shoulder. "It's time."

Suzaku slowly blinked his eyes open, and looked up at where Lelouch sat on the side of the bed. He sat up, and kissed Lelouch gently "I suppose it is."

Lelouch rested his forehead on Suzaku's, and breathed. He stood, and walked to place his hand on the doorknob of the door on the left. "You need to take the right door. I'll be waiting for you, when your time comes. Whenever that may be."

Lelouch opened the door and walked through, like so many countless doors Suzaku had walked through in his life. Suzaku brought his knees up to his chest, and thought.