A/N: This has been on my computer for awhile and I've just been too lazy to edit and upload it to here. So here ya go. Hope everyone enjoys it as much as I loved writing it! :)
Quote: "I'm not asking for you guys to love me like you did before. I'm here to ask for forgiveness. I want you to know though, that I would understand if you turned me away now. I would. I promise there would be no hard feelings."
The clouds were heavy on that stormy night. My feet were hitting the soggy ground with strive, and purpose. I didn't understand what my reasons were for going back to Carlisle and Esme. I almost felt a burden, if not that then worse, to them. They have been nothing but kind, yet I've shown them nothing but evil and robbery of innocence. How could I ever ask them to take me back into their home, into their lives? I've hurt Esme with my absence dozens of times, and who am I to say it won't happen again? And all along, they've known what I have been doing with my time, in killing human beings that didn't deserve to live, led only by my poor judgment.
Who am I to judge a human's life on a matter that should be decided by an authorized judge or jury itself? Once again, I did not understand my reasons, nor did I feel I ever would. I seemed so lost in the pit of worry on what Carlisle would say upon my return. If he rejected me, I would accept it and move on, and I would search for others of my kind whom did not know of my wrongdoing. Or perhaps I would join a clan that did not feed on animals, but instead commit the one thing I thought of as a crime, but to them it was their meal.
I could always go to the Denali clan, join Tanya and the others. Tanya would have liked that. She's taken a liking to me that I could never fulfill, no matter how hard I have tried to return the emotions she's brought on to me, but I can and will not return a fake notion to my beloved friend, Tanya.
The rain was coming down in pouring spouts now. My clothes were soaked to my already cold skin. I was not cold though, nor was I tired. I could run for miles, maybe even run straight past Carlisle and Esme's cabin they had in the woods and continue my journey south. I could even join that Southern Army I've heard about from whispers of my kind, and nomad's minds that gave them away too quickly. I did not know of the leader, nor did I know their name, but I was once told by a nomad heading in that direction, that if you were a fan of the thrill in fighting, the Southern Army was none other than perfect for you.
I forced my feet to stop once I was within walking distance of their lit cabin. It was small, and away from town so that others wouldn't be able to question their odd way of living if they never saw them too often. The cabin would remain where it is, probably for the next family or couple once Carlisle and Esme would be forced to take their leave sooner than they'd like.
I stood just outside, hearing their thoughts and laughter from within the small wooded home. I could hear Carlisle's deep chuckle, and Esme's innocent and light laugh that I could never quite replace with another's. Their thoughts consisted of only each other, which I was happy to see. I was hoping Esme would not have wasted too much time on my stupid-self. She was far better off in using her time and love to her devoted husband, Carlisle.
I walked slowly towards the door, my feet sinking into the mud and getting only a small glance out of my attention as I approached the entrance of the cabin. My hair was completely wet and laid in a messy mixture of water and dirt atop my head. I stopped again when my courage was failing to come about, and I was failing to continue my long journey towards the door.
What if they were to reject me?
I would be utterly heartbroken and I would beg for their forgiveness. Although, they both deserved much better people to live their lives with other than with someone like me. I was nothing but trouble to them. I knew that now and it's taken me 650 miles of running, 4 lakes to swim across, and 798 trails in traveling to realize this.
I told myself to muster all of the bravery I had left in a last ditch effort to call myself a man. I walked up to the door and suddenly, their chatter had stopped, leaving them only silence and I to stand in the rain, anxious as well as frightened on what their reactions would consist of.
The door swung open and there stood Esme, looking dazzling in her long blue gown and her hair flowing out around her shoulders. She looked beautiful and I tried to tell her so, but words failed me as I stood there in the pouring rain, begging God himself to give me the nudge I needed.
"Edward…Edward?" She squeaked out, in the midst of her unbelieving state. Her hand fell upon her mouth and she stood there for a second or two in shock.
Carlisle then came around and showed the same reaction, only standing there behind her, staring at me as though I had grown a new pair of ears.
"I'm not asking for you guys to love me like you did before. I'm here to ask for forgiveness. I want you to know though, that I would understand if you turned me away now. I would. I promise there would be no hard feelings." No, I knew in my heart I wouldn't have handled them rejecting me that well. I would have been devastated.
Esme flung herself into my arms, locking her hands around my moist neck and squeezing me tightly to her, crying into my neck.
"Esme, I'm soaked. You'll get yourself all wet." I tried to reason. I wanted so badly to hug her back though, and so I did. I missed her so much.
"Get in here." She took my arm and dragged me into their cozy home, running off then to the bathroom. By her thoughts, I had picked up that she was heading back there to get me a change of clothes and a towel.
"Hello, Carlisle." I barely got out as I stood there, dripping and very well ready to fall to my knees in begging for him to accept me back.
"Hello, son."
And in those simple words, I found the two of us embracing, hugging one another as though it were the last hug to give. "I missed you so much." He said quietly though I had already heard this in his thoughts. I tried to respond, but instead I let my father hug me as only a father could.
I pulled back once I seen Esme coming back with a pair of jeans, shirt, and a towel. "Come in here." She said with that mothering tone I missed as well.
I didn't keep her waiting, what son would? Someone like Esme was to be obeyed immediately.
She led Carlisle and I into the living room where they had a fire going. She sat down in her rocking chair and motioned me over. I kneeled on my knees in front of her as she took the towel and began to rub my hair dry. Carlisle sat on the ledge of the fireplace, watching us.
'I'm so happy you're back.' He then thought.
'Never leave again, Edward. Never.' Esme thought then seconds later.
"You're soaked to the skin, Edward Anthony." She rubbed my shoulders only as a mother would. I found myself staring up at her, wondering if she'd taken notice to my blood red eyes yet.
"How can you forgive me so easily? I've killed people…I don't understand." I asked, then turning to Carlisle as well.
They both stared at me with maddening eyes, smiling but looking surprised in just one glance. Esme gasped and hugged me again while Carlisle laid a loving hand on my shoulder.
"You're our son, Edward." Carlisle then explained. "You're always welcome home."
Home. It was such a nice thought to have. To know that no matter the mistakes I thought or done, I was welcome here and always. Carlisle may have thought of me as a much better man that I was, but from this point on, I would try my hardest to prove to myself and to he, that I could be the man he sees me as.
I didn't understand their forgiveness nor did I attempt to. As I leaned my head on Esme's shoulder, I silently thought about their love for me, and wondered if I would ever love someone so unconditionally, that if they were to hurt and to do nothing but wrong, that I would still forgive them in less than a heartbeat. I pondered this deeply as Esme ordered me to the bathroom and to change my clothes into dry ones.
I shrugged off my thoughts after a while, figuring that I would never be as forgiving as my dear parents were. Never.
The clouds were heavy on that stormy night. My feet were hitting the soggy ground with strive, and purpose. There was still blood on my hands from the murder I had just committed. It wasn't so much the kill I had wanted, but the blood that lay within that human was more than I could bear. I had never wanted a human's blood so terribly in my entire life. Though I was only half-human, not even Grandpa or Aunt Alice could have predicted that my craving would have been as strong as the next vampire when it came to blood. However, her scent was so tempting, and I didn't understand what made her so different from all of the other humans that surrounded the young girl.
"Hi, I'm Renesmee." I introduced myself with a strained voice.
She smiled softly with her dark green eyes staring me with a caring gaze. But the only thing I could possibly concentrate on was the thick blood that traveled up and down her veins covered only by her thin layer of tan skin. I could pick up her heartbeat easily, pumping that flowing liquid throughout her body. I wanted so badly just then to bite into the throbbing vein that laid on her neck, begging for my teeth to sink into.
"There's a boy that wants to meet up with you. I'm supposed to take you to him." I lied smoothly.
Students passed us by without a second glance, seeming not to notice my wild gaze and clenched fists.
"Oh? Who is he?" The tan skinned girl asked with innocence.
"I was told not to say who he was. He says it's a surprise. But if I'm going to take you, we better go now. He's waiting for you and class starts soon. Come on! He seems really nice."
My lips curled into a desperate smile, hoping she wouldn't back down and would simply just follow me. If not soon, I would pounce on her in front of all of these witnesses, which would then result in a visit from the Volturi.
She hesitated for a long, horrible few seconds, and then smiled carefully as we began walking towards the forest lying just on the outskirts of the school grounds. I looked behind us to see that no one had noticed our exchange, nor did anyone see us walking towards the woods. This was going much better than I could have ever hoped for and for this, I was ashamed. It was nothing to be proud of when you had yet to kill someone and your plan was going just on schedule.
"Where is he?" She asked nervously as we stood in the middle of the wet forest, tree's surrounding us and the soggy ground below our feet soaked with mud.
"I'm sorry." I whispered hoarsely as she stared at me in confusion, the last look she would ever give before I sped to her, covering the distance we had had between one another, and thrusting my teeth into the vein on her throat, sucking and enjoying the flavor of her blood much more scrumptiously than the cups of human blood Grandpa Carlisle has given me in the past.
I fed on her for only a couple of minutes, that was until I noticed that she was no longer struggling, and her veins were sucked dry when I observed that I was only feeding on air. I let her drop from my strong grasp and fall onto the dirt, spurts of mud getting onto her crisp white shirt. I stared at her for a long moment, synchronizing her face and the way her lips had used to be a light shade of pink, but was now a frightening white. Her eyes were still open, staring blankly up at the sky as rain had begun to drizzle down.
I began to dig a hole, eighteen feet down at the least from what I estimated, throwing her in and covering it quickly. I noticed that my sneakers were covered in her blood, as well as my hands and forearms reddened with the last thing she had left before her life was taken.
I fell to the soaked ground and began to sob miserably at myself. I tried to reason that I could keep it a secret, but figured that my dad would get a whiff of my thoughts sooner or later. I had no other choice other than tell my family of the shamed act I had committed.
And so there I found myself, the clouds stormy as my feet were hitting the soggy ground at increasing speeds, running through the forest to nowhere in particular and trying desperately to be rid of the horrible image in my mind that led to the death of an innocent girl.
I found myself seated by a creak deep in the woods, letting the rain above me mat my red hair to the back of my neck and stick like spaghetti strings against my face.
The sun soon turned black and before I knew it, darkness enfolded me and I welcomed it. I could now only hear the stream as it passed, like a tranquil water of peace, but I held no quietness within my heart. Instead, my head pounded with a migraine, my legs ached with a cramped pain, and my fingers were cold to the bone as the red blood had now dried upon them, leaving marks that I was sure would never come off.
Slowly, I got up, now ready to face the wrath of my family and the shame I would see in their eyes as I delivered this tragic news. The clouds were heavy on that stormy night. My feet were hitting the soggy ground with strive, and purpose. It had first started out as a light trot, but sooner, more so than later, I had begun to full out sprint so fast that my legs were a blur, my hair whipping behind me as I ran for home.
Once I approached the small house we had built away from the main one where my grandparents, aunts, and uncles all lived, I stopped completely before my home and continued to be drowned in the rain, staring at the dim lights inside and debating whether or not I should go.
What would my parents say? What would they think of me? I couldn't imagine them ever finding anything but shame at the thought of a young girl dying today at my doing. I couldn't imagine them looking at me with the same pride they had before, knowing then that I was pure and I was innocent but that now, I was no longer. My innocence was long gone, and in the virgin or not virgin sort of way, but I had done the one thing my family tried so hard not to do. I have killed and therefore, I was not the same girl I had once been.
I walked slowly up to the front door, closing my wet lashes and then reopening them when the door flung open, revealing a beautiful woman standing in her jeans and sneakers, looking more so like my sister than my mother, as she gasped in and through herself into my arms. "You'll get all wet." I protested, almost laughing at her dramatic grip she had around waist.
Instead of attempting to fight her off, I hugged her back, showing her happy images of myself, and how I was fine. I was ok. "We were so worried. Edward, call Esme." My mother instructed my father directly, turning to point to the phone. "Call her and tell her that Nessie's home." My father nodded with a haunting look glimmering in his gold eyes. I looked away from him, embarrassed at the person I had become today.
Momma dragged me to the bathroom, never mentioning the fact I was covered in blood and ordered me to shower and to get warm clothes around me.
I did as she asked with a numbing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I threw up once I had showered; gagging into the toilet as every ounce of blood I had drunk from the girl who was dead and several feet under the ground right now from my body. I brushed my teeth and brushed out my long hair as I came out of the bathroom in a t-shirt and sweatpants.
I had to admit, it did feel good in getting out of my wet clothes and into my warm ones. I felt clean and crisp, but dirty and unorganized on the inside.
Once I rounded the corner to our living room where I knew my parents would be waiting, I sighed as they both looked up upon my entering.
"I don't want to talk about it." I told them.
"You don't have to. I'm just so glad that you're home and safe." My mother said with a soft voice. Standing, she put one hand around my shoulders.
"Yeah…so am I." I couldn't say the same for the dead girl in the forest, probably already rotting underground as the raindrops seeped through the dirt, reaching for her.
My dad flinched at my unexpected thoughts and I gave a sympathetic look towards his direction, silently apologizing.
My mom had pretended that she didn't notice our exchange but she knew us much better than that. She knew of my silent conversations with daddy just as he had had with Aunt Alice years ago.
We had all three stayed in the living room through the evening hours, just sitting there and watching the blazing fire. My parent's faces were aglow with the flames that lit our small home. They both stared into the fire, waiting patiently in each other's arms for me to speak up about the heinous crimes I had succumbed to. They couldn't possibly understand the mind torcher that I had put myself under nor could they relate to the sins I had committed that day. To comprehend the murderer herself when she hadn't known she would do such a thing, was almost impossible.
"I understand, Renesmee." My father addressed me with my full name which usually meant that he was serious with whatever he was saying.
"No, you don't." I told him.
"Honey, no matter what happened, we'll always understand." My mother then said in that gentle maternity voice she had mastered so well. I stared at her, my haunting red eyes staring into her gold ones. I felt tears spring to life and a sob deep in my chest readying to escape.
"Sweetheart-" Daddy began but before he could finish, I flung myself into their arms, always open and welcoming with their warmth.
I sobbed into Momma's shoulder while Daddy wrapped his two arms around both of us, gently rocking me in his strong but tender grasp. "Sweetheart," He continued once more in a whisper. "I understand what you're going through." He admitted with a painful sigh. "I have to tell you a story."
And he told me his story, the story of him and Grandma and Grandpa and how he had killed the killers with innocent blood on his hands. He understood me, and my Momma understand me as well because she understood him. He had told her the story before and she had accepted his past just as my future lover will someday do the same for me.
I fell asleep in their arms, their safe and loving, and most of all, accepting arms as I slowly began to forgive myself for the wrongdoings of that day.