Well, this I my first Vampire Academy FanFiction. And that's it, really, I guess. I hope you enjoy! Oh, and don't forget to review!
Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. Vampire. Academy. I can't put it any simpler than that. If I did, do you really think Dimitri would be Strigoi?
And you can do no wrong A drunken salesman
In my eyes
In my eyes
You can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes
Your hearing damage
Your mind is restless
They say you
But you don't feel any better
Hearing Damage – Thom Yorke
"What?" I asked, totally confused. She could not have just said what I thought she just said. The school had decided to make me go to therapy. Again. Apparently, my experience had traumatised me. Well, whatever…
"You heard me. I want you to write a letter to the man we discussed. You said he's been sending you letters, and anyway, I think it would be helpful. You need to sort out your feelings, and writing them out on paper can be very therapeutic."
"Huh?" I stared at the woman in bewilderment. Sometimes I wished I still had Deirdre. She might have been into talking about difficult subjects, but at least all she did was ask me uncomfortable questions, not give me homework!
"Uh, isn't that the tiniest bit stupid? We're talking about a man who's essentially dead here." Well, technically he was undead, but let's not argue semantics. He was also trying his very best to have me killed. I, meanwhile, was attempting to save him whilst also taking my final exams. Whoever said being a teenager was fun was very, very wrong. I am not joking.
"You don't have to send it." She said, looking as if her suggestion was the most natural thing in the world. She kind of looked affronted at my comment. I don't know why, it wasn't like she was getting stalked by an angry Strigoi intent on killing her. It sounded so bad when you put it like that…
I sighed. "I'm not getting out of this, am I?" She shook her head. I was tempted to rip her head off. However, I have learnt some self control, courtesy of Dimitri. How ironic that he was now the one chasing me. I huffed, and threw my head back, staring around the room.
It wasn't as nice as Deirdre's room. There weren't any of her supposedly soothing nature pictures. It was quite a dark, depressing room, actually. The woman was too – she looked about sixty, and wore shawls and long skirts, beads swinging manically around her neck. Her hair was grey, and usually pulled back in an untidy bun. She was a Moroi, so that meant she was pale and thin, except she just ended up looking like a particularly demented Praying Mantis. Her eyes were kind of frightening, too. Almost like black pebbles, that sunk into her heavily wrinkled face. In short, she was nowhere near as pretty as Deirdre. She was also much more prone to strange ideas like this.
She peered at me over her old-lady glasses. "Rose, as your counsellor, I insist you do this. I think it will help, and the Headmistress and Guardian Petrov want you to have help with your problems. I'm here to help. Not make you do unnecessary things. I think this letter is a good idea." She said firmly, with a nod of her head. Nope. No getting out of this. I may have muttered a comment about this being the stupidest thing ever, but then again, I might not have.
"Fine. Can I go now?" I growled, glaring at her.
"Yes." She said primly. "And Rose? I expect a proper letter, not the same word scrawled five hundred times. I will be checking!" She smirked, feeling witty. Well, whatever. I'll just make up some crap like I do for all my other assignments. Ha. Then she can't moan at me.
"Uh-huh." I pushed open the door and made my way to the Dorm. It was nearing curfew, and it wasn't like I had anything better to do. Lissa was off being introduced to random Royals for the Queen, and Adrian had gone with her, due to the Queens delusions about their non-existent relationship. It always made me laugh. Lissa was still heartbroken over Christian, and Adrian fancied me. Yes, really stable groundings for a relationship. And anyway, I was kind of with Adrian now, so…
********
I stopped outside the entrance of the Dorm, thinking about Adrian. He would never replace Dimitri in my heart, of course, but our 'relationship', if you could call it that, was fun. He didn't make my heart race, or my skin tingle, like Dimitri did, but he made me feel less alone, and he made me feel better. Not perfect and wonderful like Dimitri did, but better. He knew al of this, but he still wanted me, and I couldn't deny it, it did make me feel good. It was nice to know someone still found me desirable, apart from a sadistic Strigoi, and especially when I felt almost…hollow.
Yes, hollow, that was it. Like I'd lost a part of myself that was very important. Essentially, I had. Me and Dimitri fit like two halves to one whole, however corny that sounded, and in losing him, I could never feel normal again. Which was why I was trying my hardest to find a way to save him. He didn't deserve this heartless, soulless existence, and I would save him.
I bit my lip, and opened the Dorm door and nearly flew up the stairs. I wanted to be alone, to think. My room was a good place to do that, and when I got into my room I almost sighed in relief. It sometimes felt like I was surrounded by people, and add a Psychic bond to the mix and you have a recipe for a very stressed Rose.
Don't get me wrong, I loved my friends and was grateful for the bond that kept Lissa safe, but it felt like they were treating me as I was fragile, easily broken. I wasn't. I was just heartbroken, in a way, and stressed. Which was why I'd been putting my blocks up against Lissa more. I just couldn't deal with her problems as well as mine all the time.
It was relaxing to be totally alone, for once. Not to have to pretend I was totally fine and that nothing could touch me, the invincible Rose. It was good to consider my feelings for once, not Lissa's, not anyone else's. Maybe I could start on the stupid letter, get it out of the way. There was nothing else to do. I grabbed a pen and paper, and sat down at the desk to write.
*********
Dear Dimitri, I scribbled, feeling foolish.
I don't know why I'm actually writing this. It's not like you'll ever read this, so why do you care? My counsellor's making me do this. You remember when I had one because of Mason and everything? Yeah, I have another one and she's very weird. I have to talk to someone because, apparently, I'm traumatised.
I'm not. I just miss you. I miss the real you. The one who loved me. The one who actually cared about me, and wanted me to be happy. The one who made my breath catch, and made me smile. I don't smile so much anymore, not really. I laugh a lot, but it's empty. How can I laugh when I know I failed you?
That's why when I heard there was a way to save a Strigoi, I had to find out about it. You'd kill me if you knew what I'm planning to do. I'm going to bust Victor Dashkov out of jail, which is kind of ironic, considering how much Lissa and I hate him. But I'd do anything for the smallest chance at saving you, you know. And if that means helping my biggest enemy (apart from Strigoi), then so be it.
I still love you so much. It hurts, because you're not here to tell me you love me, or call me Roza, or even glance at me. You're just not here, and it's like there's a hole in my life. That's painful, you know. It is excruciating at times. But you know me. It's not like I'm going to complain, because Lissa needs me, and it's not like an illness, is it?
I've agreed to be Adrian's 'girlfriend'. It doesn't mean I love you any less, and sometimes I feel guilty, but he's helped me so much. And anyway, you're not here, so you shouldn't judge me. He makes me feel better, sometimes, and…well, he cares about me. It's nice to be cared about. He's wonderful, but I miss the fireworks I had with you. The utter certainty of knowing you were the one for me, and I was the one for you. I miss you.
I'm sometimes angry with you. I mean, how could you let him get you! We were supposed to be together – we had it all figured out! But mostly, I blame myself. If I'd just ignored my mother and gone back to the caves, well maybe you'd be here with me now. But it doesn't help anyone to think of the 'what ifs', least of all you.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is I promise to try and save you. I miss you. I love you. I want you. I wish you weren't Strigoi. I wish you were here with me. They're all meaningless words, but to me they mean too much. There is nothing that can make me feel better, and I don't think there will be until you come back.
And, Dimitri? I forgive you. It's not your fault that you became Strigoi, and kidnapped me. I know it wasn't you. I forgive you everything.
I love you
Rose
PS I know this is mushy and unbelievably un-Rose like, but it's all true.
**********
I sat back, shocked at how easy it had been to write that. I hadn't realised the counsellor could be right. My feelings kind of did make sense. Damn, that stupid counsellor was right! But now I knew I could do anything to save Dimitri, and that even though the odds were stacked against me, I would get through it. I would be Lissa's Guardian, even if I had to murder the Queen to get my way, and I would save Dimitri.
I knew I would.
Well, what do you think? I'm intending to do Dimitri's point of view too, so, yeah. Please review! (I did ask nicely…)
Oh yeah, if you liked this, and you read Twilight fanfiction, go read City of Delusion. I'm co writing it with my friend and it needs love! Please? *Does Puppy Dog Eyes*