Brendan decides to write Ste Hay a letter to tell him how he really feels about him. Never one for a lot of words, Brendan felt it was better this way.

I remember the first time I met you and I have to admit I fancied you straight away. Those eyes, those bright blue eyes greeting me with a welcoming smile, piercing through to my heart. I've never been in love before, not properly anyway, just in lust, but it's different with you. You do something that I believe nobody else can. You make me feel free and light, like I belong on this planet.

The first time we kissed, I have to confess I wasn't expecting it. I honestly didn't think somebody as sexy and amazing as you would actually want to be near me, let alone feel something for me. I reacted the way I did because I felt like you deserved better than somebody like me. I'm dangerous and people around me aren't safe in anyway possible. After I told you to get out I felt awful. I didn't want to shout at you but we were both drunk and if we did anything else that night I guess I thought you would blame me or yourself even and then we wouldn't be friends anymore. I love your presence, you were one of the few people in my life I would have class as my friend. Usually I would have classed Cheryl or Lynsey as my friends, but I felt like you joined that category and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I still don't.

The day in the cellar when things got a little naughty was just, just perfect. You are perfect. Everytime that I felt you in my arms I felt special. I felt like the luckiest man in the world that you actually liked me. When things got heated and we finally succombed and slept together, well I've got to admit I loved it. I love making love to you, feeling your warm body on mine and I'm not gonna lie - I'd love to experience that feeling again of being with you again. You're different than other people I've been with. You are special and I love you for that. I love you for being you. I love you for being Steven Hay.

I'm honestly sorry for all the things I've ever done to you. I regret everything. I regret hitting you, beating you, hurting you both physically and mentally. I regret denying my feelings for you to others. It was fine when we was alone, I know that. Yet, as soon as somebody else came into the equation, whether it be Amy, Cheryl or Eileen I completely froze. I've had this front of being a straight man who loves women for so long now and I suppose I wasn't ready to let that persona go. But I've changed now. I'm ready. I've faced by demons and I've faced the fact that I was the most evilest and disgusting human known to man. There's no excuse for what I put you through and I'm not trying to defend my actions whatsoever but I now know that I'm gay. I've accepted it. I'll understand if you literally never want to speak to me again. I understand if you leave me to rot in the gutter, because I would do that if I was you. I was horrible and repulsive.

You might wonder why I'm writing this letter? Well the truth is I've got nothing good left in my life. I'm no good with admitting my feelings face to face, I stutter like fuck; wouldn't make a good public speaker would I? Well basically the point of this letter, Steven, is to say that I love you. I love you okay? In honest truth I've never really stopped. Seeing you with Douglas is like ripping my heart out of my body and cutting it up to a million pieces. I don't like declaring that I'm jealous of an American [I love my country] but I am. I want to be Douglas. I want to wake up every morning and see you lying next to me with your morning hair. The messiest hair I've seen in my life. I want to run my fingers through your it and kiss your soft lips whenever I can. I want to spend every minute of the day with you, even if that does mean I have to make panini's with your weird and wonderful fillings that I've never heard of inside. I want to be in Leah and Lucas' lives too, because they are a little part of you. Anything that is remotely anything to do with you, I feel something for. Those children are amazing, they are the luckiest kids in the world to have you as a dad and you as an influence in their lives.

I'm asking you not to marry Doug, pleading I suppose. It's your life and it's obviously your decision but I just don't think - well actually I know- that Doug doesn't feel even half of what I feel for you. You are in my head 24/7, Steven, you never leave my brain. I sit there sometimes and just wonder what you are doing, just hoping you are thinking about me aswell. I dream about you almost every night, some are amazing dreams that I hope I get the chance to become a reality. We go on holiday, we go to the cinema and sit on the back row, we're sitting in the pub enjoying a cold pint of Guiness.

I hope that you believe everything that you're reading right now. You literally mean the world to me. My life isn't worth living if you aren't in it. I love you Steven, I really, really do and I hope you feel the same way. Please don't marry him, just be with me. Please.

B x