Security Breach

Zim woke up and groaned, placing his gloved claw to his head and blinking his eyes blearily. His head throbbed, and his squeedly-spootch gurgled like a broken pipe. How much did he drink last night? More to the point, why did he drink so much in the first place? He sat up on the bed, swaying slightly from the head rush. Above, in the house itself, he could hear GIR singing, but it sounded far-off and disconnected, and he barely registered it. Instead, he tried to piece together what had happened the night before.

"It had been something about the Tallest…" he muttered, and then it all came flooding back to him.

The Previous Night. 4:00pm

"…And that, my Tallest, is how I shall take over the world by using nothing more than a plastic lawn flamingo and a wireless radio set."

"Yeah… about that, Zim. You're wasting our valuable time with these transmissions," said Purple, with a small nudge from Red, "It'd probably be better if you, well, you know. Just didn't call anymore."

"Hmmm. I see. But how else can I inform you of my latest BRILLIANT schemes?"

Red sighed.

"Look, Zim. We hate you. No, seriously, we do. You're not on Earth for a mission; we just wanted you out of our way. Now, if you'd excuse us, we have a call waiting from a real invader. So, TTFN. We'd appreciate it if you never called again, all right? All right. Toodles!"

"WAIT! HOW CAN THIS BE?!?" Zim yelled, but the transmission had already been cut off.

---

Back on their ship, Red and Purple grinned.

"YES!" shouted Purple, eyes screwed up with relief and happiness.

"Put it there!" Red replied, as he held up his hand for a high five.

"Boy are we gonna celebrate tonight!"

And they sat back comfortably on the couch, wondering dimly how Zim would take the news. But only dimly. He was already fading into the past, nothing more than an annoying memory…

---

"GIR!!!"

"Yes, my Master!" GIR said, hand in a salute and his duty-mode eyes glowing out of the gloom.

"We have been cut loose from the mission," Zim growled.

"Aw, man!" he trilled, eyes reverting to cyan.

"Bring me the Irken whiskey… BRING IT!!!"

After that, things got a little hazy.

Back To The Present

Zim got up, touching his forehead gingerly. Never again, he vowed, never again. He didn't even want to look at another bottle of that vile, intoxicating, energy-draining liquor. That disgusting, foul-smelling drink. That delicious, pain-easing…

"Stop it!" he scolded himself sharply. But not too sharply. "Ugh. How could this happen to ZIM? I must get back on the good side of the Tallest. I cannot be cut loose from this mission. There must be something I can…"

"Gurrrd morning, master! I made FRENCH TOAST!" screamed GIR happily, opening his head and flinging the soggy, eggy slither of mangled bread straight into his master's horrified face.

"Grrrr… GIR! Clean this up now! And keep the noise down. I have a MIGHTY headache!"

Zim meandered slowly into the elevator and went up to the kitchen, taking a box of large, orange, star-shaped pills from a cabinet and crumbling one onto his outstretched tongue. He sat down heavily on the couch and closed his eyes slowly. Three seconds later, he opened them again sharply.

"SECURITY BREACH!!! SECURITY BREACH!!! SECURITY BREACH!!!" GIR was yelling, eyes red, a large rocket-launcher sticking out of his head and pointing at the open door, where Dib was trying to sneak in, in a disguise only slightly less pathetic than Zim's. Wincing in pain, hands over his antennas, Zim leapt from the couch and hollered "Computer! GET HIM!" at the top of his voice. Mechanical claws fell from the ceiling and bound up Dib tightly, holding him in the air in front of Zim.

Dib glared angrily into Zim's swollen eyes.

"Zim! Let me go!"

"Ugh! Do not shout, Dib-worm. The almighty ZIM is a little delicate this morning."

"Morning? Zim, it's 2 pm!"

"PM, SCHMEE-m, Earth-stink. The Zim grows tired of this pathetic charade. You know, it's sad, really," he remarked with a chuckle, "To think that an eighteen-year old boy would attempt to sneak into a superior alien's base wearing this as his disguise."

Dib looked down at his costume. He was dressed as GIR in a painted cardboard box with several cyan-coloured light bulbs on it. He blushed slightly.

"There's nothing wrong with my disguise, Zim!"

"Apart from the fact that you are several feet taller than my robot," Zim smirked, "And me, come to that…" he added under his breath. It was true that all of his class-mates had grown to tower above Zim, who had been, unfortunately, at his full height back at Skool. Oh, how he had been mocked at Hi-Skool…

"Now, then. Computer, sedate this HUMAN scum and send him down to the lab. I must make the punishment suit the crime," he said, with an evil grin, as a yelling, kicking Dib was jabbed with a syringe, and his limp body was transported down below.

---

Waking up with a manically laughing alien leaning over you and wielding a scalpel isn't the most enjoyable venture at the best of times. But, as Dib found out, there are worse things. Add 'bound to an autopsy table' after 'Waking up', and replace 'manically laughing alien' with 'giggling, hyperactive robot', and you find yourself in a much more distressing situation. However, thankfully for Dib, GIR only scratched his finger before running away, screaming at the sight of the blood.

"GIR!!! GET BACK HERE AND FINISH THE JOB!"

"But he's leaking, master! LEAKING!!!!!"

Zim sighed and walked down towards the table, pressing a button that pushed it up vertical so that he was staring Dib in the face. Well, he would have been, had they still been at Skool.

"GIR! Fetch me the stool!"

Standing on a stool and looking Dib in the face, Zim grinned.

"Well, well, well, Dib-worm. It looks as though I'll have to think of a more… interesting method of torture."

"Torture? I'll never tell you any of Earth's secrets! NEVER!"
"IDIOTIC HUMAN! I shall not torture you for mere secrets! I simply want to see you squirm. Like a squirmy… erm… squirmer. Bwahahahaha!!!! Now, GIR! Bring forth the probe-bot…"

"Yay! Probe-y, probe-y, probe-y!"

Dib shuddered as GIR ran forward carrying a large piece of machinery with a thrusting, revolving spike on the end of it.

"NOOOOO!" he screamed dramatically, and Zim smiled vindictively.

"Yes, my disgusting friend, yes. The Tallest shall rue the day they disposed of ZIM! Well, actually, you shall rue the day they disposed of Zim…"

"Wait… the Tallest? Your leaders. They disposed of you? You're not here on a mission at all?"

"Evidently not," Zim glared, "But if you're thinking of gloating, Earth-Scum, you can think again." Then he sighed. "If only there were some ways of making them think better of me. Perhaps a gift… Yes, that's right! A delicious box of the finest candies! THAT should get me my post back…"

"Or you could send them the Big-head-boy, master! As a tasty treat!"
"My head's not…"

"Excellent, GIR! By sending the Tallest this… horrible specimen of a human, they will see what I am up against on this filthy planet, and promote me for sure!"

Zim smiled vindictively at Dib, who was shaking. Possibly from fear, possibly from anger, he didn't care. Soon the human filth would be gone, leaving him to take over this planet in peace. If not for the Tallest, then for himself. Dib spoke in a trembling voice.

"But… what will they do to me?"

"Eh, who knows? Or cares? They might cut you open, they might keep you as a pet, they might put you in a zoo, and they might do experiments on you. Or they might enslave you, bound to work for the MIGHTY Irkens for eternity. Either way, I'm just glad you'll be out of my antennas and into someone else's for a change, eh GIR?"

"Heeheeheeheehee! Master, he taller than yooouuu," giggled GIR delightedly in a sing-song voice, "He should be your master!"

"SHUT UP, GIR!"

---

Red and Purple were finishing off their eighth bottle of champagne when the communicator buzzed. The celebrations at the disposal of Zim had gone on straight through the night and into the next afternoon, and this day had been declared a public holiday for all Irkens. The ID number at the top of the screen registered the caller as Zim himself.

"I thought we banned that number," groaned Red.

"So did I."

"Fine. Let him speak. For the last time. And broadcast the call so that all of the other Irkens can see what a pathetic waste he is!"

Zim's triumphant face flickered onto every screen on Irk. Civilians stopped in the streets to look up at him, confused and interested.

"My Tallest!"

"Yes, Zim, what is it now?" hiccoughed Red, sipping at some more champagne and slurring his's's slightly.

"I have captured a HUMAN to send to you. You may treat him with as much horrible disrespect as you wish."

The leaders looked from each other to the screen, interested in spite of themselves.

"Really, Zim? A creature from the planet Earth to do with what we wish? A slave?"

"Yes. It is so."
"Do we get one each?" asked Purple excitedly, but he stopped himself at a look from Red and regained his dignified smile.

"Unfortunately, my Tallest, I have only captured a single human. I could capture another, but these beings are tricky. It's not as if they simply stroll around on the streets, you know."
"Oh, very well. Zim, you may send over the slave straight away. And then there will be no more calls from you, you hear me?"
"Crystal clear, oh Tall One."

"Unless we specifically contact you."

"Indeed."

"Not likely," muttered Purple, before continuing, "Now. Send the slave, and be gone with you."

"As you wish. Invader Zim, signing off!"

Red turned to Purple with a curious look in his eye, which Purple was returning.

"D'you think he was trying to get promoted?"

"Yeah."

"Hmmm…"

"Well, I dunno about you, but a box of candy would have done it for me."
"Too right."

---

"Hgn… Hurgh… Nghnn…"

"Y'know, Zim, if you wanna go to the bathroom, there's a special room for it and everything," quipped Dib, trying to sound cocky and carefree in what was possibly the tensest moment of his life. Zim was pushing and pushing, trying to fit Dib into the teleporter.

"If your head wasn't so… hrrrgh… damned big we might be able to… srrf… get somewhere…"

Dib had been about to reply, as usual, that his head wasn't big, when all of a sudden, with a strange thunking noise, his head popped through the glass and he was trapped inside the device with what looked like a pink 60 watt light bulb glaring down at him. Zim closed the hatch with a grin and started pressing buttons and turning dials.

"Zim! Zim, stop it, this is crazy!"
"Oh is it, Dib? Is it really?"

"Yes!"

"You obviously know nothing of the Tallest. They shall enjoy you immensely."

Zim had no idea how correct that sentence was. He pressed the final button and laughed maliciously.

"Zim! You'll never get away with this!"
"Teleporting in 10…9…8…"

"Oh, but Dib. I already have! Good-day!" he said smugly, waving his claw at him.

"…3…2…"

The bulb slowly turned green. Dib glared through the glass.

"You motherfu…"

"…1…"

"…ng son of a…"

"…Teleportation now in progress."

There was a bright flash, and Dib was gone, leaving Zim and GIR laughing, alone, in the lab.

---

Red and Purple stood, with many Irken government officials, crowded around the teleporter. Purple bounced up and down on the balls of his feet, and Red rubbed his hands together gleefully. A new slave for their collection. What fun! The machine started beeping.

"Receiving object in 10…9…8…7…"

"I can hardly wait!" said Purple.

"Me neither," replied Red, watching the glass dome.

"…2...1…Object received!"

There was a bright flash, and a pale young boy sat, squashed into the dome, spewing out a furious string of profanity at the horrified onlookers.

"I'm not sure I like this slave as much as the other ones…" Red murmured.

So, there we have it! Dib is in the hands of the Almighty Tallest for now. Now, filthy humans, REVIEW!!!