TRIALS AND TRIUMPHS
By Kay Shadow
Disclaimer. Paramount owns everything...but tptb still suck and I still think J and C belong together and... Well, they gave the toys so I play.
Authors Note: Ok so this is either set sometime during season 5 or in AU. Your pick. In my story I'm assuming that Janeway and Chakotay are together, have been for some time and Kathryn and B'Elanna have a deeper friendship than the series let us believe.
A HUGE thank you to Sheri, for not throttling me everytime I asked her to 'help me'. Shayenne, thank you for the quick beta! =) And finally KJ, it's done, and look! You're still alive!! YAY!!
WARNING: deals with a death of a crew member and I should also say that the emotions in this story are big enough to overload the warp core.
RATED: PG13
=/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\=
It was another one of those days. Even though nothing major had happened in over a month and everything was running smoothly, there was no need to worry how to spend your time. Writing reports, helping with the ship's maintenance. Little stuff.
I'd been in my ready room, reading Seven's report on Astrometrics for over fifteen minutes when the call came through.
"Doctor to Captain Janeway."
"Janeway here." Funny how I was almost relieved to hear his voice. Something that doesn't happen very often, believe me.
"Captain, could you please report to sickbay at your earliest convenience." My first thought was about the baby I was carrying, that something had gone wrong. But even the Doctors belated assurances that our child was fine did little to stop the chills of apprehension running down my spine.
"Of course, Doctor. I'm on my way."
I glanced at the chronometer as I entered the bridge. Almost 1000. Still early in the day. I informed Chakotay as to where I was going. After assuring him that our little one was fine and wasn't the reason of my visit to the decks below, I continued to the turbolift and down to sickbay. Once there the doctor was already waiting for me.
"Captain, thank you for coming here so soon. Please let's go to my office." He stepped aside for me to lead the way and I entered the small room. The tightness in my stomach I'd developed since I left my Ready Room just increased. And I knew it would be a lot worse before it let go.
"Captain," the Doctor began as soon as I sat down. "I regret to inform you that Ensign Wildman is dead."
I stared at him, I don't know for how long. This must be a joke. Some cruel, twisted joke. She was supposed to have at least another three months! Maybe his program was malfunctioning. Or I simply heard wrong. "What did you say?" I could hardy recognize my own voice.
"Neelix found her about thirty minutes ago. She was in her bedroom and... well, I don't know the exact time of death just yet but she'd been dead for awhile before Mr. Neelix came in."
"How?" My mind was practically blank. All I could think about was Samantha's face all those years ago when she came in to my office to tell me of her condition. That she was pregnant. Naomi! That poor girl. This was going to break her heart.
"... and the loss of blood was too great."
I came back from my thoughts with a jolt, realizing I hadn't heard what the doctor had offered as an explanation to my question. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't catch that."
"Don't worry, Captain, I understand this is quite a shock. I was saying that Ensign Wildman had several wounds on her arms and wrists. It appears that she killed herself. If someone had noticed sooner what she had done, I probably would have been able to save her, but the cuts were numerous and the loss of blood was too great. Like I said, she'd been dead for some time before Mr. Neelix found her." After a few moments of silence he continued. "Neelix also found this." The EMH handed me a PADD. I opened it and saw it contained two letters. One for Naomi and one for the commanding officer of Voyager. Me.
I nodded and then looked up at him and honestly, I don't think I've ever before seen the Doctor looking like he was about to burst into tears. But the look on his face made it difficult for me to keep my own tears at bay. "Does Naomi know yet?" Later on I thought it was funny I even asked, after all it is the Captain's duty to inform family of the losses.
"No, Captain. She's in Astrometrics with Seven and Mezoti. I was supposed to teach her biology later today, but I think it's for the best to postpone that with a few days now."
Again I just nodded numbly.
The doctor continued. "I also gave Mr. Neelix a sedative and sent him to his quarters to rest. He was very upset by what he saw. I'm planning on seeing him tomorrow morning."
"Thank you, Doctor." My mind was whirling. "I have to tell Naomi, then." I noticed the Doctor looking at me sadly. "It is the Captain's duty and even if it wasn't... someone has to do it. It can't be Neelix now, she needs to know sooner than tomorrow."
I turned around and started pacing. "Computer, location of Naomi Wildman?"
/Naomi Wildman is in Astrometrics lab. /
"Good. Janeway to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here. What can I do for you?"
"We need to have a meeting. Senior staff. Everyone but Seven. Meet me in my ready room in five minutes."
"Captain?" I knew that the tone of my voice would worry him, but he'd know what was going on soon enough.
"Just do it. Please. I'll see you there."
"Aye, Captain. Chakotay out."
As he severed the link I felt like crying. This was like a nightmare. I just wanted it to end. Unfortunately the pain was too strong to be a dream of any kind. I left sickbay and the doctor and I headed for deck one. As soon as I had informed the Senior Staff, I'd go to Naomi.
Some 30 minutes later:
After locating Naomi with the help of ship's computer I was heading for the Astrometrics lab where Naomi was with Seven. As I neared my destination, I was trying to find answers to my endless questions. How do you tell a five year old that the only parent she's ever known is now dead? How do you ease the pain? How do you help her through it? How do you make her see there's life after this? How do you make her understand that she's not alone? I knew from my own experience that losing a parent is hell. I still have nightmares about it sometimes. And although I don't think about it every day now, the happenings of that day are never far from my thoughts. And there are still nights when I wake up sweaty with my throat sore from screaming. Thankfully Chakotay is usually by my side, telling me that I'm safe. Sometimes his mere presence has a calming effect and I'm soon able to fall asleep again. I wondered who will be the one to chase Naomi's nightmares away.
When I told the news to the senior staff, they were stunned, to say the least. B'Elanna actually started crying and Tom tried to console her to the best of his ability. Harry bent his head down but I could see tears running down his cheeks. Tuvok, to no one's surprise showed no emotion, but he did admit that he regretted the loss of Samantha.
And Chakotay. Bless him. He said almost nothing until the others had left the room. He then came to me and asked if I wanted his help in breaking the news to Naomi. I thanked him, but explained why I felt I should do it alone. He said he understood and then asked how I was coping. I told him how confused, sad and angry I was, all at once. I didn't understand why Samantha would do something like that. Hadn't she thought what this would do to Naomi? Why hadn't she talked to someone? What made her do this?
=/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\=
It had all started about two months ago Sam, Lieutenant Emily Miller and Tuvok had been on an away mission on a now distant planet, Rhegiel Prime. The mission was cut short when the cave they were scanning collapsed on them. Miller had died instantly, Tuvok had several small cuts and bruises and a broken arm and Sam suffered a concussion, internal injuries and a broken leg. Despite our desperate pleas to be allowed to beam our people to sickbay the government of Rhegiel wouldn't allow it. Decades ago they had forbidden any transporter use on their planet and they weren't about to change their rules to suit our needs. On one hand, of course, I could understand their reasoning, but it's always difficult to simply accept that kind of restrictions when it's your crew, your friends that are in danger.
Sam was taken to a local hospital to receive treatment and the ambassador, along with some Rhegielian doctors, assured us that she would be well taken care of.
It was a few days before Samantha was well enough to travel back to Voyager. When she arrived the doctor scanned her and did some tests but generally he seemed pleased with her much improved condition and Sam was released from sickbay, two hours after returning to the ship.
It was six days later that we finally realized something was wrong. I was in Engineering with B'Elanna, looking for new ways to save energy, when Vorik alerted us that Sam was not well. When I reached her she was going into shock and I told B'Elanna to immediately transport us both to sickbay.
Several hours later the doctor came to me with bad news. Samantha was unconscious and he had no idea what was going on. The only thing he could come up with was to return to Rhegiel Prime and ask their doctors to help.
Twenty-eight hours later we were back in orbit and to my relief the doctors were more than happy to be of assistance. I had Tom to pick them up from the planet's surface and hoped for a miracle. But to no avail. Soon our own doctor asked me to join them and unfortunately the news weren't good. The Rhegielian doctors have a cure for injuries, both internal and external, that they've been using for centuries. It works fine for them and no one had ever suffered any complications, but the differences in human and Rhegielian biology were much bigger than anyone had ever expected. The end result was that in humans the treatment caused a tumor, a cancer of sorts, and the doctors had no idea how to treat this condition. After finding out there was nothing more the Rhegielian doctors could do, we returned them to their planet with thanks of all the help they had given.
Over the next few days the doctor tried different ways to slow the progress of the Rhegielian cancer, or RC, as it was now better known. But every time he tried something, Sam's body reacted with pain and in the end it didn't take long for her to ask him to stop what he was doing. She knew she didn't have much time left, and wanted to spend it with Naomi, something that was naturally very understandable.
Within a week it was clear Samantha wouldn't be able to perform even the regular routines of day to day life. It was arranged that someone was always with her, helping her whenever she needed anything. Everyone, including myself, took shifts.
I specifically remember the day B'Elanna rushed in to our quarters and burst into tears even before the doors closed. She cried and explained how she'd overheard Sam telling Naomi that she was sick and how the doctor was helping her. When Sam said that the doc was probably going to figure out what was going on, B'Elanna made a hasty excuse and left, knowing that she couldn't stand to see Samantha putting on a brave face for Naomi's sake. After she'd calmed enough I left her to rest, while I went to see Samantha.
We had a long talk that day, Sam and I, about Naomi and the future. Sam told me she suspected Naomi would want to live with Neelix, and I agreed. He was after all very close to her not to mention he was her godfather. The one thing that surprised me was Sam's request that, if at all possible, I'd make sure Naomi got to live where she wanted to, even if it were with someone else. I asked her what she meant, and referred to Neelix, but Sam evaded the question. That night was the first time I admitted to anyone, even myself, that we were going to lose another friend.
=/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\=
"Kathryn?" I was brought back to the present when I heard Chakotay's voice behind me. I looked around, slightly disoriented. "What are you thinking?" he asked.
I looked at him, trying to come up with something to say. "I ummm. I was thinking about Sam. About the talk we had three weeks ago." I knew I didn't have to specify what talk. That day when I'd returned to our quarters we'd cried together for the loss we would face. Just thinking about that day was made my walls crumble. I knew I had to get my feelings and thoughts under control. I tried to compose myself by repeating the words, 'you're the captain', in my head but they didn't seem to help much.
Chakotay was, as always, paying close attention and obviously knew what was going on inside my head. Knew the battle I was fighting with myself. He closed the space between us in few steps and wrapped his arms around me. Still I held back, clinging onto thoughts of captaincy and protocol. The inappropriate behavior of crying while on duty.
"Kathryn, let it out. There's no one here but you and me. You can let it go."
That's when I finally lost the battle. As I stood there in Chakotay's embrace, crying my heart out, I again began to wonder how I was going to tell Naomi that her mom was dead. Sometimes I really hated being the Captain.
"Thank you, Chakotay, for your support. I really can't delay this any longer. I don't want to risk her hearing about this from a passing crewmember." I wiped the tears from my face and looked at Chakotay. He was still looking worried.
"I know, but Kath..." he seemed to hesitate.
"Go on, love." I prodded him. This was still between us, he didn't have to be worried about protocol and I wanted him to know that. This was Kathryn and Chakotay.
"A suggestion. Go to her and tell her this as Kathryn, not as the Captain of Voyager. I think, this way she won't feel that she has to be strong and not cry. And..." Chakotay stopped for a while, trying to find the right words.
"And... she knows that she still had family here, that she's not alone, right?"
Chakotay smiled sadly. "Exactly."
"I understand," I said. "And I also agree with you. What she needs is a friend, a family. Not her mother's Commanding Officer. If our baby ever has to face what Naomi now has to, that's how I'd want her to be treated."
As our eyes met I could see the understanding in his face. I was only four months pregnant but the child was our first and already very much loved. The mere thought of him. or her, growing without us around hurt us both deeply.
We stood in silence for a few more minutes embracing each other, before I reluctantly let go, knowing there was no real reason to keep postponing the inevitable.
"Well, I better go." I finally broke the silence.
"Okay. Meet me for lunch?" Chakotay asked.
"Sure. I'll have to see how it goes with Naomi but I'll try and be there." With that we left the Ready Room and as Chakotay made his way to the command center I continued to the turbolift. As the doors closed I ordered the computer to take me to deck two. "Computer, location of Naomi Wildman?"
/Naomi Wildman is in the Mess Hall on deck two. /
Looking at the turbolift doors I made up my mind. "Computer, deck five. Janeway to Seven of Nine."
"Seven of Nine here, Captain."
"Seven, I assume Naomi is with you?" I could feel tears in my eyes. Forcing them away I concentrated on my conversation with Seven.
"That is correct. We are having lunch." As I tried to swallow the lump in my throat Seven noticed the unnaturally long silence and continued. "Why do you ask, Captain?"
"Seven," I collected myself again. "Could you bring Naomi to my quarters, please. As soon as possible. There's something we need to discuss about."
"Of course, Captain. I'll bring her to you at once."
"Thank you, Seven. Janeway out."
Less than five minutes later the door chimed. I went to the door and opened it.
"Hello Naomi, Seven, thank you for bringing her here, you are dismissed." The look on Seven's face screamed insufficient data. "Seven, the Doctor can update you on our situation." I sighed with relief as Seven nodded and left the room.
I ushered Naomi inside and offered her something to eat or drink and after some consideration she asked for Tom's latest introduction, Coca-Cola with ice.
I handed her the drink while sipping my own favorite iced coffee.
"Naomi, do you have any idea as to why you're here?" I asked. Some small talk couldn't hurt before dropping the bomb to her lap.
She looked nervous. Well, it wasn't everyday I invited her to our quarters. "Have I done something wrong? If I did I didn't mean it. Honest."
"Oh no, Naomi. It's nothing like that. Why don't you come here?" I motioned her to come and sit beside me, which she did, albeit a bit hesitantly.
"Is something wrong, Captain?" She was starting to put things together. Once again I was reminded that Naomi was one of the brightest children I'd ever known.
"Honey, I'm not here as your Captain but as your friend, so you think you could call me Kathryn?"
"Okay, Kathryn."
There was a long silence. I knew I was running out of small talk and I dreaded the next topic.
"Naomi... it's about your mom." God I hated this job.
"What's wrong with my mom?"
"Naomi, I know it's difficult right now, but I'd like you to listen to me. Just for a while, okay? Can you do that for me, please?" I had no idea what I was doing. Later on I would understand I was trying to buy as much time as possible before the actual words: your mom's dead.
"Kathryn, where's mom?" She was panicking.
I opened my arms as an invitation for her to sit on my lap. To my surprise she came, this time without any hesitation. As she made herself comfortable I found myself embracing her protectively.
"Where is she?" Naomi asked again. Looking at her I saw tears forming in her eyes. She knew.
"Something bad happened and your mom was hurt. When we found her and took her to the doctor... he tried to help but..."
"Nooo!!!" she wailed and started struggling. I held her to me.
"The Doctor couldn't help her, sweetheart. I'm sorry." I could no longer hold back the tears that I'd been fighting. I cried with her. There's something heart wrenching about a child's cry of pain. And to know there's nothing you can do but to hold her and hope that someday the pain will lessen.
Minutes passed as I kept holding Naomi, whispering to her. Telling her I was sorry. That no matter what, she was not alone, that everyone on Voyager loved her and that I was here now and that whenever she wanted to she could talk to me - about anything. That it was okay to cry and release the pain.
I'll never know how long it was but in the end her screams turned into sobs and finally she fell asleep. Right there in my arms.
I rose gingerly from the couch with Naomi and made my way to my bedroom where I laid her on the bed and covered her with a quilt. When I was back in the outer room I quietly called Chakotay.
"Chakotay here. Is everything okay?"
Taking note of his voice, which quite honestly hid none of the worry he must have been feeling, I decided to tell him all of it right there.
"First of all lunch is cancelled." After taking a deep breath I continued. "I told Naomi that Sam's dead. I didn't tell her how it happened, though. She didn't ask and for now I'd like to keep it this way. Of course if and when she asks there will be no lying but I think everyone on board should know that *when* the situation arises I should be the one to tell her."
"Of course, Captain. When are you going to inform the crew?"
"As soon as possible. I know very well that rumors on this ship don't follow the speed limits at all. Actually, I might as well do it right away. Just a second, I'll go to close the bedroom door."
"Captain?" Chakotay sounded baffled.
"Naomi cried herself to sleep and is now in the bed, fast asleep. I don't want to wake her up." I explained.
"I see. Alright, Captain. The link's up. Whenever you're ready."
Gathering my thoughts and straightening myself I spoke to my crew the words every Captain hates. "Attention everyone. This is the Captain speaking. By now I'm sure some of you have heard the rumors about Ensign Wildman. To my great sadness I must confirm that Samantha Wildman is dead. Naomi is, for the time being, with me. All departments will have a meeting in twenty minutes concerning some details, such as the funeral service. On a personal note, I'm sorry to lose a friend, especially one that was as kind and good hearted as our Sam. Janeway out."
After my link to the crew was cut I simply asked Chakotay to meet me in our quarters a.s.a.p. for a short meeting. I've always preferred my ready room whenever we discuss ships business. It helps to keep things more professional. But under the circumstances I didn't want to leave my newest protégé alone and so our quarters would have to suffice.
Less than 10 minutes later he came in.
I walked to him and we fell into each other's arms. Once again the tears came and I was unable to fight them. But then again, I've learned that with Chakotay I don't need to hold back. I don't have to be a Captain when he's around.
After a few minutes he asked me if Naomi was still sleeping. Still not trusting my voice I nodded affirmative.
"That's good," he said. "She'll need a long time to recover from this. It'll be a long road for her but she at least has you and the rest of the crew. And she's always looked up to you, she's comfortable around you. At least she won't be alone."
He started moving towards the couch, but I stayed put. I was too anxious to actually sit and do nothing.
"I know, that's what I tried to tell her. And I think that just about anyone would be happy to have her with them, so I'm giving her a free choice. She can decide where to live from now on, as long as the other party is willing."
"If you think that's the best."
I started pacing. "I do. I want her to feel safe and one way to make sure of that is to be sure that she's comfortable with the person or people she'll live with. Actually, I'm already guessing she'll want to stay with Neelix. The two of them have always been close."
"Yes. You're probably right about that," he acceded.
"Yes, well he'll have to mend first. It'll take its time, but I'm positive that helping Naomi will help him as well."
"I agree. Sounds like a plan to me. *If* Naomi wants to stay with him."
"But why wouldn't she? He's her godfather and besides, he was the one who chased all the monsters from the replicators and told bedtime stories, no one else. I think she'll feel secure and safe around him." He motioned for me to sit down as well, but I just couldn't so I shook my head.
"I'm sorry love. I just can't stay still right now." I looked at him and he nodded his understanding.
I walked to the replicator and ordered up a cup of coffee. I glanced back at Chakotay and after seeing his disapproving look, I reluctantly gave another command to the computer and watched the coffee dematerialize.
"Thank you." Funny this thing in a way. Chakotay and myself I mean. After all, he's only looking after my interest. Well, mine and the baby's. And yet he always turns it the other way around so that it's like I did *him* a favor. I love that. Whatever did I do to deserve him? I sighed and sat down next to him.
"No." I told him. "Thank *you*. For looking after us. and for everything. I love you."
"I love you, too. And you know I love to take care of you both," he said, placing his hand on my still-flat stomach. "With all of the added stress, I'd like you to take it as easy as you can."
"I know. And I do try, believe me. It's just that I'm so used to going full speed it takes some time to cut it down to impulse you know." Not that I was going to cut down my schedule very soon anyway. I was only four months along and the pregnancy was only beginning to show slightly. With any luck I'd be like my mother. I smiled at the memory of her telling me about her pregnancies. Both times she was going into the seventh month before she started showing and then she 'looked like she'd swallowed a balloon'. Well, I knew I'd end up looking like that anyway, so there was no point in worrying about it, but I was hoping that it wouldn't be just yet.
Chakotay caught my smile. "What's so funny?"
"I was just thinking about my mom. You know she would love to have a grandchild. I remember the house was always full of kids. My friends from town and Phoebe's would come and spend days with us. And most of our cousins would be there too. She loved it. I hope Phoebe and Danny have a child soon. Mom needs to have her hands full."
"Never happy when there was nothing to do, huh? Now why does that sound familiar?" He laughed.
I made a face but knew I couldn't even pretend to be angry with him so I gave up on the idea and gave him a kiss instead. He sighed contentedly and wrapped his arms around me. He'd been doing that a lot lately but I guess he wants to enjoy it when he still can. Oh, well.
We talked for hours. At first I noticed his tactic of diverting the conversation to safer areas but then I forgot about it. We enjoyed talking about everything, from the baby to the ship's business, from my mother and sister to last week's menu. We even talked about my dad, something I'm not comfortable doing very often. The pain of losing him is still very strong. I suppose that being pregnant and starting a family brings out all these thoughts into one's head. Even Chakotay decided to indulge in the past and he told me stories from his childhood, which I enjoyed.
Like a knife the scream tore the silent air. "Mommyyy!!!" I ran to Naomi as soon as I got untangled from Chakotay's arms. As I reached the bed she clung to me as if afraid to let me go. She no longer screamed but now cried hopelessly. I tried to comfort her with words and I rocked her back and forth in my arms. "Shh.... It's okay, Naomi, I'm here. I'm right here. It was just a nightmare." As soon as I spoke the words, I knew it had been the wrong thing to say.
"No! Mommy really is dead. I dreamed she was here... and ...and that she was smiling and we... were having a picnic but then she said that she didn't... that she didn't belong here. And she turned... and then I saw Aunt Emily and then they left... I tried to call Mommy back but... but she didn't hear me. They just laughed and walked away. Like they didn't care..."
I didn't know what to say. I just held her tighter and tried to find the right words. "Naomi, there is no way your mother left you because she wanted to. I don't ever want you to think that way. I think she just felt she had no other choice." She looked up at me, tears running down her face. "Honey, I'm so sorry. If I could do anything to make her come back I would."
"I know." With those two words I felt so small. I don't think I've ever felt that small in my life. A little girl, having so much faith in me in a time when I have none. She was so trusting even as I blamed myself for her pain. Tears coursed down my cheeks as we held each other close. And then there was Emily. How could I have missed that the young ensign was so close to Naomi? Ensign Miller who had died on the away mission almost four months ago.
Damn it all. Damn it all to hell!
My thoughts were interrupted as Chakotay came in.
"Kath?" He spoke softly. I turned to look at him.
"The Doc just called in. I'm going down to sickbay to talk to him about... something. I'll be back soon."
I nodded slightly. "Okay. We'll be here."
After Chakotay left I continued to hold Naomi, occasionally reminding her that no matter what she was not alone. That I was there for her. About fifteen minutes later I could feel her nod off. I gently replaced her on the bed. After kissing her forehead and pulling the covers over her I went back to the living room area. Chakotay still hadn't returned so I took some time to catch upon work.
0700 hours, next morning
Just before breakfast Chakotay and I had a quick exchange of words about our current situation. He would take the bridge for the day, so that I could concentrate on Naomi. After breakfast when Naomi was ready I'd take her to Seven in Astrometrics and then I'd go and see how Neelix was holding up. I wanted to see myself how he was doing and to find out if he wanted to talk about his feelings regarding what he'd seen.
As we sat at the table I noticed that none of us was very hungry. Naomi played with her food, taking a small bite once or twice. I was having serious problems in getting the food down, as was Chakotay, but we kept trying, if for nothing else then for the appearance's sake.
"Kathryn?" I could barely hear her voice. I looked at Naomi.
"Did you say something, honey?"
"I'm not hungry. May I be excused?" How could I resist those pleading eyes.
"Of course you may. Actually I'm not that hungry either, so why don't we clean up the table and get going, okay?" I tried to force some cheerfulness into my voice but somehow I don't think I did a very good job.
"Okay. Can I then go and see Seven?"
"Sure. Anyway, I have a thing I need to take care of and it's sort of ship's business, so I was thinking of leaving you with her for about thirty minutes or so. Would you be alright with that?" I wanted to make it clear to her that we were playing by her rules for now and that we wouldn't do anything she wasn't comfortable with.
"Yeah, that's okay. You're not on duty today?" she asked, picking up her plate and carrying it to the replicator.
"No. Chakotay and I agreed that I could have today off." I took the rest of the dishes and placed them next to Naomi's.
"Oh okay. Can we go now?"
I punched the necessary code and our plates disappeared to thin air, at the same time I was wondering why she was in such hurry to leave.
We said our good-byes to Chakotay who was still seated at the table, pretending to eat his food.
Right before the doors closed Naomi whispered loudly to me. "I just thought it was better to leave soon so the Commander could put his plate to the replicator too. I don't think he was hungry either."
I fought hard not to laugh. I looked down at my new protégé and told her that I thought so too.
I dropped her off to Seven's care as agreed and I was happy to notice she didn't have any discomfort about me leaving. The strangest thing, I thought, was that she hadn't asked to be with Neelix. Usually she couldn't go a day without him and she hadn't seen him yesterday at all. Eventually I decided she probably had more important things to worry about than why Neelix hadn't come to see her. But still....
My thoughts were interrupted by B'Elanna's voice. "Torres to Captain Janeway."
"Janeway here."
"Captain. Just so that you'll know, we're taking the transporters offline for the diagnostic. They should be back online tomorrow morning at 0800 hours." Torres reported.
"Very good, Lieutenant. If there are any problems or things to discuss, please contact the Commander. I'm off duty today."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Captain. I didn't realize..." she stammered.
"No need for apologies, B'Elanna. I'm staying with Naomi today and combining babysitting and R&R," I explained.
"I see. How is she doing?"
"She had a rough night, but I suppose she's doing as well as can be expected. She's now with Seven but only for half an hour or so."
"Maybe... Maybe I could come and see her later? You know, just to say hi."
I smiled. No one would dare to say that Naomi wasn't loved by this crew. "That would be great, B'Elanna. Are you free at 1700? Our quarters."
"Yes. I'll see you then. Torres out."
I continued smiling as I neared Neelix's quarters. I rang the chime but nothing happened. I tried it again, but still there was no answer. Unwilling to use my command codes I tapped my communicator instead. "Janeway to Neelix. Please respond."
After ten heartbeats I tried again. When there was still no response I called the doctor and told him to meet me there. Three minutes later, we entered the doors together. The room was dark with the only light coming from the passing stars outside and the light from the corridor. When the doors closed I couldn't see a thing and I asked the computer for half lights. In the dim light I saw Neelix, curled up on the floor, next to his couch. I approached him slowly, at the same time talking softly. It was like he didn't even know we were there. The doctor began running his tricorder over him and humming and making strange noises that gave me absolutely no clue as to the Talaxian's condition.
"What's wrong?" I finally asked.
The doctor looked at me and frowned. "As far as I can tell, there should be nothing wrong. I can't find any medical reason for this."
"Because there's nothing wrong with me!" Neelix yelled.
I was so surprised I actually jumped back. "Neelix!"
"Why can't you just leave me alone! Doesn't it give you a hint when I don't open the door or answer your hails?! I want to be left alone!" The sudden outburst left me temporarily mute. This wasn't the Neelix I knew at all.
"Neelix, we're just worried about you. We know you are upset by what's happened. We are all shocked about what happened. And Naomi is trying hard to put on a brave face for the crew but inside she's hurting worse than any one of us. And Neelix, she needs you."
If I thought my little speech would help I was badly mistaken. "No! She doesn't. She has no use for me!"
"What do you mean by that?" I asked him. I prayed that this wouldn't turn into the same kind of depression that he had after he died and was brought back to us with the help of Borg technology. Maybe I should have brought Chakotay with me after all.
"I didn't see what she was going through. I didn't even think of the possibility that... that... oh sweet mercy!!" He cried.
I went closer and reach my hand out to touch his shoulder. "Neelix, no one is blaming you. Please, don't do this to yourself. No one had any idea, Sam made sure of that. I was aware of her condition and I spent a considerable amount of time with her during the last two months, but I didn't see this coming. Neelix, please. Don't blame yourself."
"Well then maybe it was all your fault!" he shouted. The words cut through my heart. "Maybe you should have paid more attention to her and not your darling Commander Chakotay! Maybe then you would have noticed that she was going to kill herself!"
I was stunned. Never had I heard Neelix talk like that to anyone. Never had I thought he would talk like that to me. When I withdrew my hand and took a hesitant step back he got up as well.
For once I was grateful for the Doctor's way of disrupting things. "Mr. Neelix, I'd prefer that you didn't accuse the Captain of something she had no control over. It most certainly wasn't her fault and you should know that."
"Oh, what do you know?!" He was pacing the quarters. "You're nothing but subroutines and force fields! You have no feelings!"
Neelix was so upset he never even noticed when the Doctor reached out and pressed a hypospray against his neck. I expected Neelix to fall down to the floor but instead he remained standing. Seeing my confusion the Doctor explained that he didn't want to keep Neelix under heavy sedation as he'd been unconscious for the past twenty-four hours. Understanding the medical point of view I couldn't help but agree. Besides he needed to deal with this situation and his feelings and he couldn't do that if he was unconscious.
"Doctor, you'll need help in getting him to sickbay. B'Elanna's running a diagnostic on transporters today so they're offline."
The Doctor looked at me and frowned. "Why can't anything ever happen the easy way on this ship?" he asked. He was now supporting Neelix but seemed to have trouble in keeping him upright. I took Neelix's arm and wrapped it around my neck, helping him to stay on his feet.
"Don't ask me. If you find the answer be sure to tell me so I can take steps to correct the problem." I retorted.
We took a few tentative steps toward the doors and when we were sure we had a good hold of Neelix we picked up the pace. We made our way to sickbay in silence and like most of the time, silence didn't serve me well.
Despite my attempts to ignore Neelix's words they kept haunting me. Could it really be so that I was so wrapped up in building a family that I no longer noticed the needs of my crew? It was something I'd tried hard not to let happen, but didn't I now have the evidence before my eyes? After all, I was the captain. I was supposed to protect them. Even more so here, in the Delta Quadrant. How could I have missed this?
My thoughts were interrupted when Seven and Naomi came around the corner. It seemed like everyone froze in their places. Neelix avoided eye contact with Naomi while the girl was looking up at him, obviously feeling miserable. Seven, clearly not knowing what to say or do, was standing still, but keeping a firm grip on Naomi's hand. Since no one was saying anything the tension in the air was beginning to grow thick.
"Seven, Naomi... I thought you were in Astrometrics." No better place to start than the first thing you can come up with, never mind how lame it was.
"We are on our way to the holodeck. We have used a satisfactory amount of time working. Now it is time for recreational activities," Seven provided. Just as I thought I could make small talk about one of my new holodeck programs, Seven continued. "Is Mr. Neelix ill?"
I must have frowned for Seven looked slightly taken aback. I'd have to explain the situation to her later. Now, however was not the time. While the doctor explained Neelix's 'condition' to Seven, I tried to get Naomi's attention. For once I was too tall. The girl wouldn't look anywhere above my knees. I took a better hold of Neelix with my other hand and then reached for Naomi. "Honey, are you okay?"
Before Naomi could say a word, though, she was interrupted by Neelix. "What do you mean is she okay? Her mother just committed suicide! How could she be alright? Not everyone on this ship has a rock for a heart!"
No it was my turn to not know how to react. In a matter of seconds the choices were taken away from me as Seven, at the doctor's suggestion, replaced me and they left for sickbay, abandoning me with Naomi. I tried hard to think what to say but my brain wouldn't produce anything that could be said in front of a child.
"Kathryn?" Naomi finally looked at me. "Is it true? Did my mom kill herself?"
Oh dear god!
"Naomi, I think it's better if we go back to my quarters to talk about this. It'd be better than the corridor. That okay?" I offered my hand for her to take and to my relief she took it without any hesitation.
When we finally sat on our couch with our Coca-Colas, Naomi repeated her question.
"Naomi, you knew that your mom was sick, right?" I asked her in return.
"Yes. She said she was sick and that the doctor said she'd be alright for now, but that it might be that she would get sicker."
"That's true."
"Did she get sicker? You mean she didn't do it herself?"
I placed my glass on the table and moved a bit closer to her. When I found a comfortable position Naomi climbed to sit on my lap. I was organizing my thoughts and finally thought I'd figured out how to explain it all to her. "The doctor told me that you mother did get sicker, yes. But not that sick." I paused, searching for the right words. "Your mom was hurting badly. She knew that the Doctor couldn't help her take the pain away, no matter how much he tried and I think she just couldn't take the pain anymore. So, yes, then she did kill herself. The Doctor tried to save her but then he saw that there was nothing more he could do for her, and he called me to come to sickbay. When I went there, he told me what had happened. He also handed me a PADD. When I opened it, it had two letters. First one was for me. And the second is for you. I've read mine, but I was thinking. maybe now is a good time for you to read yours."
Slowly Naomi took the PADD I was holding. "I don't want to read it."
That was something I hadn't anticipated. "Why not, sweetie?"
" I umm. I, well could you read it for me?"
I was sitting on the couch, thinking about the letter. Naomi was sleeping on my lap and I was holding the PADD containing the two letters. My mind was in chaos, and I was unable to hold on to any single thought.
In her letter to Naomi, Sam had explained what she was going to do, the reasons for doing it and then had reminded her daughter that no matter what she loved her and that she felt she had a choice, she would have stayed. I thought about what I would do if that had been me in Sam's position. What would I have done? I had no knowledge of the severity of her pain other than that it was excruciating. Now I've had my share of pain in life, but I'm not sure I'd want my child to be a witness to that kind of pain. And although I believe life is sacred and should never be wasted, in a way, I guess I can understand Samantha. I just hope that one day, Naomi will as well.
The sound of the chime startled me. I looked down at Naomi and saw her stirring. "Come in."
I wasn't sure if I was surprised or not when I saw Seven standing outside the doors. She looked slightly hesitant and unsure. "Am I disturbing you, Captain?"
"Not at all, Seven. Please come in." Naomi raised her head, noticing that we had company.
"What can I do to help?"
Seven looked at Naomi and then me. "I wished to discuss. the efficiency of the Astrometrics Lab with you, but perhaps this isn't the right time. I was expecting to find you alone. I shall return later."
It was obvious that whatever it was Seven wanted to talk about, it wasn't for Naomi's ears. We had just had the mentioned discussion three days ago. I was about to suggest we meet later in the Ready Room when Naomi interrupted me. "Kathryn?"
"Yes, honey?"
"Can I go with Seven? I'd like to be with her for awhile now," she said.
"Of course. And if you're gone longer than 1600 promise me you'll get something to eat, okay?" I handed Naomi her commbadge and watched as she attached it to her chest.
"I will see that she gets nutritional supplements if needed, Captain." Seven looked at me once more before turning around to leave, Naomi right behind her.
As the doors closed I waited a moment before leaving the quarters. The walls were beginning to close on me. I needed to get out. Do something to exorcise Neelix's words from my mind.
It felt like I was being torn in two. On one hand I knew I couldn't be everywhere at once, overseeing everything, taking care of everyone, but then again I felt like I should have. Naomi lost her mother much too soon and if I'd taken out more time to spend with Sam she might have told me about her feelings, and maybe she wouldn't have taken her own life. God I hate complexities.
I wasn't even paying attention as to where I was going until I found myself in Engineering. I was looking around, wondering why my feet had carried me here. In my brooding mood I usually prefer to be alone, but there's no place busier on this ship than Engineering. I nodded to a passing ensign and made u-turn, heading back the direction I came, when I heard a familiar voice calling me.
"Captain!"
Sighing, I looked behind me to B'Elanna. "Yes, Lieutenant?"
"What are you doing here? I mean. I thought you said you were taking the day off?" She looked worried.
"I am. I just needed to get out, have some other things to think about" I tried to keep my voice crisp and clear but I knew I failed. I prayed she wouldn't touch me, closeness and comfort were the things that I least needed right now as I knew they would make me crumble.
"Kathryn, what is it?" B'Elanna placed her hand on my arm. I forced the tears away, reminding myself of where I was and who I was. Lately I'd let those two thoughts slip my mind too often. I knew my eyes held tears as I asked if we could go into her office to talk.
As soon as the doors closed behind us she practically sat me down and told me to 'talk'.
"I'm not sure where to begin. or if I should even bother you with this -"
"Kathryn don't be foolish. Something is bothering you, that much is obvious. And I'm willing to bet quite a lot that it's got something to do with Sam."
"I know you think it's crazy.even a part of *me* says it's crazy but. the words he said."
"What words? Who said what, Kathryn?" B'Elanna asked, her voice rising in volume.
I was already sorry I'd said anything and I tried to avoid the rest of the conversation. "It doesn't matter really."
But of course B'Elanna didn't buy that. I didn't think she would. "Kathryn, dammit!! You can't avoid this with me! You're my friend and I've known you for too long not to see that something's really upsetting you. And I won't stand by and watch you beating yourself with whatever it is. We can talk about it incognito. You don't have to tell me *who* it was, but you will tell me *what* he said. Alright?"
The words were engraved to my memory as I recited them. "Maybe then it was all your fault. Maybe you should have paid more attention to her and not your darling Commander Chakotay. Maybe then you would have noticed she was going to kill herself."
"That p'taq!" B'Elanna yelled as she jumped up and started pacing the small room. "Who said that?! I'm gonna break his neck!"
"B'Elanna!" No matter what, I would not listen to an outburst like that. She didn't have the right, because Neelix had a good point in his words.
She sat down again and when she spoke her voice was softer, despite the words. "Who would be so stupid?"
"Not stupid, B'Ela. Upset." We both fell silent, me thinking about the sense in Neelix's words and B'Elanna.. who knows. "Maybe he was right," I said. "I mean I've tried not to let it happen but maybe my relationship with Chakotay is distracting me from my duties. Especially now with the baby coming and.I'm not paying as close attention as I used to."
As my eyes met my friend's I could see the barely contained frustration and anger. "Kathryn, how can you say that? How can you even think that?" She was shaking her head as she tried to find the words. I was thinking if I should tell her not to waste any time on it, but a part of me desperately needed to hear how wrong I was.
"Just think of the times you spent with Sam after she got sick. How you helped her. You talked for hours on end. I know because Sam told me about it. she told me how she appreciated it. And you'd just found out about the baby at the time and yet you took the time to be with Naomi, to visit Flotter and Trevis, and you even learned how to play kadis-kot, just to keep her mind away from the bad things!" B'Elanna took my hand again and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Those things alone should show both you and that p'taq how things really are."
I was about to respond when the door chime sounded. B'Elanna looked at me and waited, giving me time to compose myself. "Come in."
I don't know which one of us was more surprised to see Naomi Wildman standing right outside the doors, smiling. "Kathryn?"
"What is it, Naomi?" I said when I finally found my voice again.
The girl closed the space between us with a few steps and wrapped her hands around my waist. Unsure what to say, I remained silent, hugging her back. Out of the corner of my eye I saw B'Elanna leave the room and right before the doors closed I smiled her my thanks. I thought about the child in my arms and wondered what the future would bring her. She no longer had her mother to love her but there was no doubt that Naomi was loved and treasured by everyone around her. I bent to kiss the top of her head and tightened my hold on her.
After quite some time, Naomi finally loosened her hold. "Is something the matter?" I asked her.
She shook her head. "I was with Seven and I love her but." Naomi looked at me uncertainly.
"What, honey? You can talk to me, it is okay." I could see that she was nervous about something, but couldn't imagine what it was.
"Well. can I stay here with you?" she asked.
Again I was surprised, as I thought she would have known the answer to that question already. After all, I did tell her that she could come to me whenever she felt like it. "Of course, Naomi."
"Forever?"
Suddenly I realized what exactly it was that she was asking. Or had I understood wrong? "You mean just spend time with me, or."
"Well, I like to live with you and uncle Chakotay and I don't wanna go away."
It felt like someone had just sucked all the air from the room. She couldn't possibly. "What about Neelix? I thought you would want to live with him?"
"But he's my uncle!" Naomi exclaimed eyes wide open as if the mere thought of her staying with Neelix had never crossed her mind.
My thoughts were in chaos. Naomi? To live with me and Chakotay? For good? How would that ever work? Chakotay and I had a baby on the way, how would we deal with two children? Having the responsibility of one child is.well, frightening but two. Not to mention I was still a captain. How would I find the time to balance it all? Chakotay and I still didn't see eye to eye in the matters that came with the baby. What if Naomi later decided she no longer wants to stay with us? Would I be able to get over the loss? But then again, how could I possibly say no?
"Before I say yes, there are a few things I'd like to ask you. Is that okay?" Naomi nodded affirmative so I continued. "Do you know that I'm going to have a baby?"
Her face took on an interested expression but I was n't quite sure what it meant. "Of course I know. Everybody knows! Last week Celes said that she was betting it was a boy."
I smiled as I briefly thought of the crew's reaction to the news a few weeks ago. "And you're still okay with staying with us? You know the baby will cry a lot. Even during the night. And it'll be very different to live inside those wall then than what it's like to live here now."
"I know. The doctor's told me a lot about babies."
Naomi's comment made me wonder just how much the doctor had told the child, and I made a mental note to ask him about it later.
"Now the important the most important question. Why is it that you want to live with us? You've spent much more with Seven and Neelix. Is there a special reason for wanting to stay with me and Chakotay?"
"Well. Seven is really nice and. but I don't want to live in Cargo Bay Two and that's her home. Besides, she doesn't like to hug," Naomi explained. "But you do."
I thought about Naomi's reasoning and believed I saw the real issue as well. Seven, who was still struggling with her humanity and emotions that come with it, could not offer the emotional support Naomi needed. And even though Naomi couldn't put it into psychological terms, she understood it well enough to follow her instincts to seek the support she felt she needed.
"What about Neelix? He loves you and I know you love him."
"I know. and I do! But.he's my uncle and I.well, I just don't want that to change. I don't know how to explain it," she said.
"Alright.If you're sure that's what you want, then yes. You can stay with us." I said.
One look into the child's eyes told me more than I needed to know. It would work. Besides, she still had Seven as her friend, and Neelix. And everyone else on Voyager. It wouldn't all be on my shoulders.
Naomi hugged me again and whispered, "Thank you."
"You're more than welcome, honey." I gave her another squeeze before letting go. "How about we go tell Chakotay the good news?"
"Yeah!" Naomi took my hand and began pulling me to the door. When we reached the door Naomi turned to me and asked, "Kathryn? Is Uncle Neelix okay?"
Get used to it Kathryn. Kids ask way too many questions. Aloud I said, "He's going to be fine."
"What's wrong with him?" Naomi's voice trembled. "Is he gonna die, too?"
"Oh no, honey. He's just really sad. Sometimes people get so sad they actually get sick. That's what happened to Neelix. But he's with the Doctor now, and the Doc's going to make sure Uncle Neelix will be getting better in no time."
"When can I see him?"
"What do you say if we after telling the news to Chakotay, go down to Sickbay to see him?" I suggested.
"Aye aye, Captain!"
We stepped out on the bridge hand in hand.
Chakotay rose to face us and a quick glance around the bridge told me that everyone had their eyes on me and Naomi.
"Captain?"
"Chakotay, we need to talk." I tugged Naomi's hand and guided her to the ready room, knowing that Chakotay would follow us.
Once we were inside and the doors had closed, I led Naomi to the couch and motioned Chakotay to sit as well. When we were all settled, Naomi sitting next to me and Chakotay facing the two of us, I finally let him off the suspense. "Chakotay. a few minutes ago Naomi asked me something and I agreed. I know I probably should have consulted you beforehand, but I don't think you'll mind."
From the look on his face I guessed he already had a hunch, but I chose to say nothing, wondering if he would tell me or make me tell him. "Alright. What is it then?"
I wondered why I ever even considered the possibility of him letting me get out of this easily. "How would you feel if Naomi stayed with us?"
I looked at Chakotay, trying to read his thoughts and hoped I had the telepathic abilities of a Betazoid. And from the way Naomi was nervously squirming next to me I could tell her thoughts were probably about the same.
"Well?" I prodded.
"I'm not sure what you want me to say, Kathryn," he said.
"Well, anything would be an improvement at this point!"
"In that case. We're already tearing down the wall between our quarters and my old ones. Instead of using the living room as a study we could turn it into Naomi's room and my old bedroom could still be used as the nursery. or then there's always the..."
As Naomi threw herself at him I leaned in closer and silenced him with a kiss.
The end??
By Kay Shadow
Disclaimer. Paramount owns everything...but tptb still suck and I still think J and C belong together and... Well, they gave the toys so I play.
Authors Note: Ok so this is either set sometime during season 5 or in AU. Your pick. In my story I'm assuming that Janeway and Chakotay are together, have been for some time and Kathryn and B'Elanna have a deeper friendship than the series let us believe.
A HUGE thank you to Sheri, for not throttling me everytime I asked her to 'help me'. Shayenne, thank you for the quick beta! =) And finally KJ, it's done, and look! You're still alive!! YAY!!
WARNING: deals with a death of a crew member and I should also say that the emotions in this story are big enough to overload the warp core.
RATED: PG13
=/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\=
It was another one of those days. Even though nothing major had happened in over a month and everything was running smoothly, there was no need to worry how to spend your time. Writing reports, helping with the ship's maintenance. Little stuff.
I'd been in my ready room, reading Seven's report on Astrometrics for over fifteen minutes when the call came through.
"Doctor to Captain Janeway."
"Janeway here." Funny how I was almost relieved to hear his voice. Something that doesn't happen very often, believe me.
"Captain, could you please report to sickbay at your earliest convenience." My first thought was about the baby I was carrying, that something had gone wrong. But even the Doctors belated assurances that our child was fine did little to stop the chills of apprehension running down my spine.
"Of course, Doctor. I'm on my way."
I glanced at the chronometer as I entered the bridge. Almost 1000. Still early in the day. I informed Chakotay as to where I was going. After assuring him that our little one was fine and wasn't the reason of my visit to the decks below, I continued to the turbolift and down to sickbay. Once there the doctor was already waiting for me.
"Captain, thank you for coming here so soon. Please let's go to my office." He stepped aside for me to lead the way and I entered the small room. The tightness in my stomach I'd developed since I left my Ready Room just increased. And I knew it would be a lot worse before it let go.
"Captain," the Doctor began as soon as I sat down. "I regret to inform you that Ensign Wildman is dead."
I stared at him, I don't know for how long. This must be a joke. Some cruel, twisted joke. She was supposed to have at least another three months! Maybe his program was malfunctioning. Or I simply heard wrong. "What did you say?" I could hardy recognize my own voice.
"Neelix found her about thirty minutes ago. She was in her bedroom and... well, I don't know the exact time of death just yet but she'd been dead for awhile before Mr. Neelix came in."
"How?" My mind was practically blank. All I could think about was Samantha's face all those years ago when she came in to my office to tell me of her condition. That she was pregnant. Naomi! That poor girl. This was going to break her heart.
"... and the loss of blood was too great."
I came back from my thoughts with a jolt, realizing I hadn't heard what the doctor had offered as an explanation to my question. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't catch that."
"Don't worry, Captain, I understand this is quite a shock. I was saying that Ensign Wildman had several wounds on her arms and wrists. It appears that she killed herself. If someone had noticed sooner what she had done, I probably would have been able to save her, but the cuts were numerous and the loss of blood was too great. Like I said, she'd been dead for some time before Mr. Neelix found her." After a few moments of silence he continued. "Neelix also found this." The EMH handed me a PADD. I opened it and saw it contained two letters. One for Naomi and one for the commanding officer of Voyager. Me.
I nodded and then looked up at him and honestly, I don't think I've ever before seen the Doctor looking like he was about to burst into tears. But the look on his face made it difficult for me to keep my own tears at bay. "Does Naomi know yet?" Later on I thought it was funny I even asked, after all it is the Captain's duty to inform family of the losses.
"No, Captain. She's in Astrometrics with Seven and Mezoti. I was supposed to teach her biology later today, but I think it's for the best to postpone that with a few days now."
Again I just nodded numbly.
The doctor continued. "I also gave Mr. Neelix a sedative and sent him to his quarters to rest. He was very upset by what he saw. I'm planning on seeing him tomorrow morning."
"Thank you, Doctor." My mind was whirling. "I have to tell Naomi, then." I noticed the Doctor looking at me sadly. "It is the Captain's duty and even if it wasn't... someone has to do it. It can't be Neelix now, she needs to know sooner than tomorrow."
I turned around and started pacing. "Computer, location of Naomi Wildman?"
/Naomi Wildman is in Astrometrics lab. /
"Good. Janeway to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here. What can I do for you?"
"We need to have a meeting. Senior staff. Everyone but Seven. Meet me in my ready room in five minutes."
"Captain?" I knew that the tone of my voice would worry him, but he'd know what was going on soon enough.
"Just do it. Please. I'll see you there."
"Aye, Captain. Chakotay out."
As he severed the link I felt like crying. This was like a nightmare. I just wanted it to end. Unfortunately the pain was too strong to be a dream of any kind. I left sickbay and the doctor and I headed for deck one. As soon as I had informed the Senior Staff, I'd go to Naomi.
Some 30 minutes later:
After locating Naomi with the help of ship's computer I was heading for the Astrometrics lab where Naomi was with Seven. As I neared my destination, I was trying to find answers to my endless questions. How do you tell a five year old that the only parent she's ever known is now dead? How do you ease the pain? How do you help her through it? How do you make her see there's life after this? How do you make her understand that she's not alone? I knew from my own experience that losing a parent is hell. I still have nightmares about it sometimes. And although I don't think about it every day now, the happenings of that day are never far from my thoughts. And there are still nights when I wake up sweaty with my throat sore from screaming. Thankfully Chakotay is usually by my side, telling me that I'm safe. Sometimes his mere presence has a calming effect and I'm soon able to fall asleep again. I wondered who will be the one to chase Naomi's nightmares away.
When I told the news to the senior staff, they were stunned, to say the least. B'Elanna actually started crying and Tom tried to console her to the best of his ability. Harry bent his head down but I could see tears running down his cheeks. Tuvok, to no one's surprise showed no emotion, but he did admit that he regretted the loss of Samantha.
And Chakotay. Bless him. He said almost nothing until the others had left the room. He then came to me and asked if I wanted his help in breaking the news to Naomi. I thanked him, but explained why I felt I should do it alone. He said he understood and then asked how I was coping. I told him how confused, sad and angry I was, all at once. I didn't understand why Samantha would do something like that. Hadn't she thought what this would do to Naomi? Why hadn't she talked to someone? What made her do this?
=/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\=
It had all started about two months ago Sam, Lieutenant Emily Miller and Tuvok had been on an away mission on a now distant planet, Rhegiel Prime. The mission was cut short when the cave they were scanning collapsed on them. Miller had died instantly, Tuvok had several small cuts and bruises and a broken arm and Sam suffered a concussion, internal injuries and a broken leg. Despite our desperate pleas to be allowed to beam our people to sickbay the government of Rhegiel wouldn't allow it. Decades ago they had forbidden any transporter use on their planet and they weren't about to change their rules to suit our needs. On one hand, of course, I could understand their reasoning, but it's always difficult to simply accept that kind of restrictions when it's your crew, your friends that are in danger.
Sam was taken to a local hospital to receive treatment and the ambassador, along with some Rhegielian doctors, assured us that she would be well taken care of.
It was a few days before Samantha was well enough to travel back to Voyager. When she arrived the doctor scanned her and did some tests but generally he seemed pleased with her much improved condition and Sam was released from sickbay, two hours after returning to the ship.
It was six days later that we finally realized something was wrong. I was in Engineering with B'Elanna, looking for new ways to save energy, when Vorik alerted us that Sam was not well. When I reached her she was going into shock and I told B'Elanna to immediately transport us both to sickbay.
Several hours later the doctor came to me with bad news. Samantha was unconscious and he had no idea what was going on. The only thing he could come up with was to return to Rhegiel Prime and ask their doctors to help.
Twenty-eight hours later we were back in orbit and to my relief the doctors were more than happy to be of assistance. I had Tom to pick them up from the planet's surface and hoped for a miracle. But to no avail. Soon our own doctor asked me to join them and unfortunately the news weren't good. The Rhegielian doctors have a cure for injuries, both internal and external, that they've been using for centuries. It works fine for them and no one had ever suffered any complications, but the differences in human and Rhegielian biology were much bigger than anyone had ever expected. The end result was that in humans the treatment caused a tumor, a cancer of sorts, and the doctors had no idea how to treat this condition. After finding out there was nothing more the Rhegielian doctors could do, we returned them to their planet with thanks of all the help they had given.
Over the next few days the doctor tried different ways to slow the progress of the Rhegielian cancer, or RC, as it was now better known. But every time he tried something, Sam's body reacted with pain and in the end it didn't take long for her to ask him to stop what he was doing. She knew she didn't have much time left, and wanted to spend it with Naomi, something that was naturally very understandable.
Within a week it was clear Samantha wouldn't be able to perform even the regular routines of day to day life. It was arranged that someone was always with her, helping her whenever she needed anything. Everyone, including myself, took shifts.
I specifically remember the day B'Elanna rushed in to our quarters and burst into tears even before the doors closed. She cried and explained how she'd overheard Sam telling Naomi that she was sick and how the doctor was helping her. When Sam said that the doc was probably going to figure out what was going on, B'Elanna made a hasty excuse and left, knowing that she couldn't stand to see Samantha putting on a brave face for Naomi's sake. After she'd calmed enough I left her to rest, while I went to see Samantha.
We had a long talk that day, Sam and I, about Naomi and the future. Sam told me she suspected Naomi would want to live with Neelix, and I agreed. He was after all very close to her not to mention he was her godfather. The one thing that surprised me was Sam's request that, if at all possible, I'd make sure Naomi got to live where she wanted to, even if it were with someone else. I asked her what she meant, and referred to Neelix, but Sam evaded the question. That night was the first time I admitted to anyone, even myself, that we were going to lose another friend.
=/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\==/\=
"Kathryn?" I was brought back to the present when I heard Chakotay's voice behind me. I looked around, slightly disoriented. "What are you thinking?" he asked.
I looked at him, trying to come up with something to say. "I ummm. I was thinking about Sam. About the talk we had three weeks ago." I knew I didn't have to specify what talk. That day when I'd returned to our quarters we'd cried together for the loss we would face. Just thinking about that day was made my walls crumble. I knew I had to get my feelings and thoughts under control. I tried to compose myself by repeating the words, 'you're the captain', in my head but they didn't seem to help much.
Chakotay was, as always, paying close attention and obviously knew what was going on inside my head. Knew the battle I was fighting with myself. He closed the space between us in few steps and wrapped his arms around me. Still I held back, clinging onto thoughts of captaincy and protocol. The inappropriate behavior of crying while on duty.
"Kathryn, let it out. There's no one here but you and me. You can let it go."
That's when I finally lost the battle. As I stood there in Chakotay's embrace, crying my heart out, I again began to wonder how I was going to tell Naomi that her mom was dead. Sometimes I really hated being the Captain.
"Thank you, Chakotay, for your support. I really can't delay this any longer. I don't want to risk her hearing about this from a passing crewmember." I wiped the tears from my face and looked at Chakotay. He was still looking worried.
"I know, but Kath..." he seemed to hesitate.
"Go on, love." I prodded him. This was still between us, he didn't have to be worried about protocol and I wanted him to know that. This was Kathryn and Chakotay.
"A suggestion. Go to her and tell her this as Kathryn, not as the Captain of Voyager. I think, this way she won't feel that she has to be strong and not cry. And..." Chakotay stopped for a while, trying to find the right words.
"And... she knows that she still had family here, that she's not alone, right?"
Chakotay smiled sadly. "Exactly."
"I understand," I said. "And I also agree with you. What she needs is a friend, a family. Not her mother's Commanding Officer. If our baby ever has to face what Naomi now has to, that's how I'd want her to be treated."
As our eyes met I could see the understanding in his face. I was only four months pregnant but the child was our first and already very much loved. The mere thought of him. or her, growing without us around hurt us both deeply.
We stood in silence for a few more minutes embracing each other, before I reluctantly let go, knowing there was no real reason to keep postponing the inevitable.
"Well, I better go." I finally broke the silence.
"Okay. Meet me for lunch?" Chakotay asked.
"Sure. I'll have to see how it goes with Naomi but I'll try and be there." With that we left the Ready Room and as Chakotay made his way to the command center I continued to the turbolift. As the doors closed I ordered the computer to take me to deck two. "Computer, location of Naomi Wildman?"
/Naomi Wildman is in the Mess Hall on deck two. /
Looking at the turbolift doors I made up my mind. "Computer, deck five. Janeway to Seven of Nine."
"Seven of Nine here, Captain."
"Seven, I assume Naomi is with you?" I could feel tears in my eyes. Forcing them away I concentrated on my conversation with Seven.
"That is correct. We are having lunch." As I tried to swallow the lump in my throat Seven noticed the unnaturally long silence and continued. "Why do you ask, Captain?"
"Seven," I collected myself again. "Could you bring Naomi to my quarters, please. As soon as possible. There's something we need to discuss about."
"Of course, Captain. I'll bring her to you at once."
"Thank you, Seven. Janeway out."
Less than five minutes later the door chimed. I went to the door and opened it.
"Hello Naomi, Seven, thank you for bringing her here, you are dismissed." The look on Seven's face screamed insufficient data. "Seven, the Doctor can update you on our situation." I sighed with relief as Seven nodded and left the room.
I ushered Naomi inside and offered her something to eat or drink and after some consideration she asked for Tom's latest introduction, Coca-Cola with ice.
I handed her the drink while sipping my own favorite iced coffee.
"Naomi, do you have any idea as to why you're here?" I asked. Some small talk couldn't hurt before dropping the bomb to her lap.
She looked nervous. Well, it wasn't everyday I invited her to our quarters. "Have I done something wrong? If I did I didn't mean it. Honest."
"Oh no, Naomi. It's nothing like that. Why don't you come here?" I motioned her to come and sit beside me, which she did, albeit a bit hesitantly.
"Is something wrong, Captain?" She was starting to put things together. Once again I was reminded that Naomi was one of the brightest children I'd ever known.
"Honey, I'm not here as your Captain but as your friend, so you think you could call me Kathryn?"
"Okay, Kathryn."
There was a long silence. I knew I was running out of small talk and I dreaded the next topic.
"Naomi... it's about your mom." God I hated this job.
"What's wrong with my mom?"
"Naomi, I know it's difficult right now, but I'd like you to listen to me. Just for a while, okay? Can you do that for me, please?" I had no idea what I was doing. Later on I would understand I was trying to buy as much time as possible before the actual words: your mom's dead.
"Kathryn, where's mom?" She was panicking.
I opened my arms as an invitation for her to sit on my lap. To my surprise she came, this time without any hesitation. As she made herself comfortable I found myself embracing her protectively.
"Where is she?" Naomi asked again. Looking at her I saw tears forming in her eyes. She knew.
"Something bad happened and your mom was hurt. When we found her and took her to the doctor... he tried to help but..."
"Nooo!!!" she wailed and started struggling. I held her to me.
"The Doctor couldn't help her, sweetheart. I'm sorry." I could no longer hold back the tears that I'd been fighting. I cried with her. There's something heart wrenching about a child's cry of pain. And to know there's nothing you can do but to hold her and hope that someday the pain will lessen.
Minutes passed as I kept holding Naomi, whispering to her. Telling her I was sorry. That no matter what, she was not alone, that everyone on Voyager loved her and that I was here now and that whenever she wanted to she could talk to me - about anything. That it was okay to cry and release the pain.
I'll never know how long it was but in the end her screams turned into sobs and finally she fell asleep. Right there in my arms.
I rose gingerly from the couch with Naomi and made my way to my bedroom where I laid her on the bed and covered her with a quilt. When I was back in the outer room I quietly called Chakotay.
"Chakotay here. Is everything okay?"
Taking note of his voice, which quite honestly hid none of the worry he must have been feeling, I decided to tell him all of it right there.
"First of all lunch is cancelled." After taking a deep breath I continued. "I told Naomi that Sam's dead. I didn't tell her how it happened, though. She didn't ask and for now I'd like to keep it this way. Of course if and when she asks there will be no lying but I think everyone on board should know that *when* the situation arises I should be the one to tell her."
"Of course, Captain. When are you going to inform the crew?"
"As soon as possible. I know very well that rumors on this ship don't follow the speed limits at all. Actually, I might as well do it right away. Just a second, I'll go to close the bedroom door."
"Captain?" Chakotay sounded baffled.
"Naomi cried herself to sleep and is now in the bed, fast asleep. I don't want to wake her up." I explained.
"I see. Alright, Captain. The link's up. Whenever you're ready."
Gathering my thoughts and straightening myself I spoke to my crew the words every Captain hates. "Attention everyone. This is the Captain speaking. By now I'm sure some of you have heard the rumors about Ensign Wildman. To my great sadness I must confirm that Samantha Wildman is dead. Naomi is, for the time being, with me. All departments will have a meeting in twenty minutes concerning some details, such as the funeral service. On a personal note, I'm sorry to lose a friend, especially one that was as kind and good hearted as our Sam. Janeway out."
After my link to the crew was cut I simply asked Chakotay to meet me in our quarters a.s.a.p. for a short meeting. I've always preferred my ready room whenever we discuss ships business. It helps to keep things more professional. But under the circumstances I didn't want to leave my newest protégé alone and so our quarters would have to suffice.
Less than 10 minutes later he came in.
I walked to him and we fell into each other's arms. Once again the tears came and I was unable to fight them. But then again, I've learned that with Chakotay I don't need to hold back. I don't have to be a Captain when he's around.
After a few minutes he asked me if Naomi was still sleeping. Still not trusting my voice I nodded affirmative.
"That's good," he said. "She'll need a long time to recover from this. It'll be a long road for her but she at least has you and the rest of the crew. And she's always looked up to you, she's comfortable around you. At least she won't be alone."
He started moving towards the couch, but I stayed put. I was too anxious to actually sit and do nothing.
"I know, that's what I tried to tell her. And I think that just about anyone would be happy to have her with them, so I'm giving her a free choice. She can decide where to live from now on, as long as the other party is willing."
"If you think that's the best."
I started pacing. "I do. I want her to feel safe and one way to make sure of that is to be sure that she's comfortable with the person or people she'll live with. Actually, I'm already guessing she'll want to stay with Neelix. The two of them have always been close."
"Yes. You're probably right about that," he acceded.
"Yes, well he'll have to mend first. It'll take its time, but I'm positive that helping Naomi will help him as well."
"I agree. Sounds like a plan to me. *If* Naomi wants to stay with him."
"But why wouldn't she? He's her godfather and besides, he was the one who chased all the monsters from the replicators and told bedtime stories, no one else. I think she'll feel secure and safe around him." He motioned for me to sit down as well, but I just couldn't so I shook my head.
"I'm sorry love. I just can't stay still right now." I looked at him and he nodded his understanding.
I walked to the replicator and ordered up a cup of coffee. I glanced back at Chakotay and after seeing his disapproving look, I reluctantly gave another command to the computer and watched the coffee dematerialize.
"Thank you." Funny this thing in a way. Chakotay and myself I mean. After all, he's only looking after my interest. Well, mine and the baby's. And yet he always turns it the other way around so that it's like I did *him* a favor. I love that. Whatever did I do to deserve him? I sighed and sat down next to him.
"No." I told him. "Thank *you*. For looking after us. and for everything. I love you."
"I love you, too. And you know I love to take care of you both," he said, placing his hand on my still-flat stomach. "With all of the added stress, I'd like you to take it as easy as you can."
"I know. And I do try, believe me. It's just that I'm so used to going full speed it takes some time to cut it down to impulse you know." Not that I was going to cut down my schedule very soon anyway. I was only four months along and the pregnancy was only beginning to show slightly. With any luck I'd be like my mother. I smiled at the memory of her telling me about her pregnancies. Both times she was going into the seventh month before she started showing and then she 'looked like she'd swallowed a balloon'. Well, I knew I'd end up looking like that anyway, so there was no point in worrying about it, but I was hoping that it wouldn't be just yet.
Chakotay caught my smile. "What's so funny?"
"I was just thinking about my mom. You know she would love to have a grandchild. I remember the house was always full of kids. My friends from town and Phoebe's would come and spend days with us. And most of our cousins would be there too. She loved it. I hope Phoebe and Danny have a child soon. Mom needs to have her hands full."
"Never happy when there was nothing to do, huh? Now why does that sound familiar?" He laughed.
I made a face but knew I couldn't even pretend to be angry with him so I gave up on the idea and gave him a kiss instead. He sighed contentedly and wrapped his arms around me. He'd been doing that a lot lately but I guess he wants to enjoy it when he still can. Oh, well.
We talked for hours. At first I noticed his tactic of diverting the conversation to safer areas but then I forgot about it. We enjoyed talking about everything, from the baby to the ship's business, from my mother and sister to last week's menu. We even talked about my dad, something I'm not comfortable doing very often. The pain of losing him is still very strong. I suppose that being pregnant and starting a family brings out all these thoughts into one's head. Even Chakotay decided to indulge in the past and he told me stories from his childhood, which I enjoyed.
Like a knife the scream tore the silent air. "Mommyyy!!!" I ran to Naomi as soon as I got untangled from Chakotay's arms. As I reached the bed she clung to me as if afraid to let me go. She no longer screamed but now cried hopelessly. I tried to comfort her with words and I rocked her back and forth in my arms. "Shh.... It's okay, Naomi, I'm here. I'm right here. It was just a nightmare." As soon as I spoke the words, I knew it had been the wrong thing to say.
"No! Mommy really is dead. I dreamed she was here... and ...and that she was smiling and we... were having a picnic but then she said that she didn't... that she didn't belong here. And she turned... and then I saw Aunt Emily and then they left... I tried to call Mommy back but... but she didn't hear me. They just laughed and walked away. Like they didn't care..."
I didn't know what to say. I just held her tighter and tried to find the right words. "Naomi, there is no way your mother left you because she wanted to. I don't ever want you to think that way. I think she just felt she had no other choice." She looked up at me, tears running down her face. "Honey, I'm so sorry. If I could do anything to make her come back I would."
"I know." With those two words I felt so small. I don't think I've ever felt that small in my life. A little girl, having so much faith in me in a time when I have none. She was so trusting even as I blamed myself for her pain. Tears coursed down my cheeks as we held each other close. And then there was Emily. How could I have missed that the young ensign was so close to Naomi? Ensign Miller who had died on the away mission almost four months ago.
Damn it all. Damn it all to hell!
My thoughts were interrupted as Chakotay came in.
"Kath?" He spoke softly. I turned to look at him.
"The Doc just called in. I'm going down to sickbay to talk to him about... something. I'll be back soon."
I nodded slightly. "Okay. We'll be here."
After Chakotay left I continued to hold Naomi, occasionally reminding her that no matter what she was not alone. That I was there for her. About fifteen minutes later I could feel her nod off. I gently replaced her on the bed. After kissing her forehead and pulling the covers over her I went back to the living room area. Chakotay still hadn't returned so I took some time to catch upon work.
0700 hours, next morning
Just before breakfast Chakotay and I had a quick exchange of words about our current situation. He would take the bridge for the day, so that I could concentrate on Naomi. After breakfast when Naomi was ready I'd take her to Seven in Astrometrics and then I'd go and see how Neelix was holding up. I wanted to see myself how he was doing and to find out if he wanted to talk about his feelings regarding what he'd seen.
As we sat at the table I noticed that none of us was very hungry. Naomi played with her food, taking a small bite once or twice. I was having serious problems in getting the food down, as was Chakotay, but we kept trying, if for nothing else then for the appearance's sake.
"Kathryn?" I could barely hear her voice. I looked at Naomi.
"Did you say something, honey?"
"I'm not hungry. May I be excused?" How could I resist those pleading eyes.
"Of course you may. Actually I'm not that hungry either, so why don't we clean up the table and get going, okay?" I tried to force some cheerfulness into my voice but somehow I don't think I did a very good job.
"Okay. Can I then go and see Seven?"
"Sure. Anyway, I have a thing I need to take care of and it's sort of ship's business, so I was thinking of leaving you with her for about thirty minutes or so. Would you be alright with that?" I wanted to make it clear to her that we were playing by her rules for now and that we wouldn't do anything she wasn't comfortable with.
"Yeah, that's okay. You're not on duty today?" she asked, picking up her plate and carrying it to the replicator.
"No. Chakotay and I agreed that I could have today off." I took the rest of the dishes and placed them next to Naomi's.
"Oh okay. Can we go now?"
I punched the necessary code and our plates disappeared to thin air, at the same time I was wondering why she was in such hurry to leave.
We said our good-byes to Chakotay who was still seated at the table, pretending to eat his food.
Right before the doors closed Naomi whispered loudly to me. "I just thought it was better to leave soon so the Commander could put his plate to the replicator too. I don't think he was hungry either."
I fought hard not to laugh. I looked down at my new protégé and told her that I thought so too.
I dropped her off to Seven's care as agreed and I was happy to notice she didn't have any discomfort about me leaving. The strangest thing, I thought, was that she hadn't asked to be with Neelix. Usually she couldn't go a day without him and she hadn't seen him yesterday at all. Eventually I decided she probably had more important things to worry about than why Neelix hadn't come to see her. But still....
My thoughts were interrupted by B'Elanna's voice. "Torres to Captain Janeway."
"Janeway here."
"Captain. Just so that you'll know, we're taking the transporters offline for the diagnostic. They should be back online tomorrow morning at 0800 hours." Torres reported.
"Very good, Lieutenant. If there are any problems or things to discuss, please contact the Commander. I'm off duty today."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Captain. I didn't realize..." she stammered.
"No need for apologies, B'Elanna. I'm staying with Naomi today and combining babysitting and R&R," I explained.
"I see. How is she doing?"
"She had a rough night, but I suppose she's doing as well as can be expected. She's now with Seven but only for half an hour or so."
"Maybe... Maybe I could come and see her later? You know, just to say hi."
I smiled. No one would dare to say that Naomi wasn't loved by this crew. "That would be great, B'Elanna. Are you free at 1700? Our quarters."
"Yes. I'll see you then. Torres out."
I continued smiling as I neared Neelix's quarters. I rang the chime but nothing happened. I tried it again, but still there was no answer. Unwilling to use my command codes I tapped my communicator instead. "Janeway to Neelix. Please respond."
After ten heartbeats I tried again. When there was still no response I called the doctor and told him to meet me there. Three minutes later, we entered the doors together. The room was dark with the only light coming from the passing stars outside and the light from the corridor. When the doors closed I couldn't see a thing and I asked the computer for half lights. In the dim light I saw Neelix, curled up on the floor, next to his couch. I approached him slowly, at the same time talking softly. It was like he didn't even know we were there. The doctor began running his tricorder over him and humming and making strange noises that gave me absolutely no clue as to the Talaxian's condition.
"What's wrong?" I finally asked.
The doctor looked at me and frowned. "As far as I can tell, there should be nothing wrong. I can't find any medical reason for this."
"Because there's nothing wrong with me!" Neelix yelled.
I was so surprised I actually jumped back. "Neelix!"
"Why can't you just leave me alone! Doesn't it give you a hint when I don't open the door or answer your hails?! I want to be left alone!" The sudden outburst left me temporarily mute. This wasn't the Neelix I knew at all.
"Neelix, we're just worried about you. We know you are upset by what's happened. We are all shocked about what happened. And Naomi is trying hard to put on a brave face for the crew but inside she's hurting worse than any one of us. And Neelix, she needs you."
If I thought my little speech would help I was badly mistaken. "No! She doesn't. She has no use for me!"
"What do you mean by that?" I asked him. I prayed that this wouldn't turn into the same kind of depression that he had after he died and was brought back to us with the help of Borg technology. Maybe I should have brought Chakotay with me after all.
"I didn't see what she was going through. I didn't even think of the possibility that... that... oh sweet mercy!!" He cried.
I went closer and reach my hand out to touch his shoulder. "Neelix, no one is blaming you. Please, don't do this to yourself. No one had any idea, Sam made sure of that. I was aware of her condition and I spent a considerable amount of time with her during the last two months, but I didn't see this coming. Neelix, please. Don't blame yourself."
"Well then maybe it was all your fault!" he shouted. The words cut through my heart. "Maybe you should have paid more attention to her and not your darling Commander Chakotay! Maybe then you would have noticed that she was going to kill herself!"
I was stunned. Never had I heard Neelix talk like that to anyone. Never had I thought he would talk like that to me. When I withdrew my hand and took a hesitant step back he got up as well.
For once I was grateful for the Doctor's way of disrupting things. "Mr. Neelix, I'd prefer that you didn't accuse the Captain of something she had no control over. It most certainly wasn't her fault and you should know that."
"Oh, what do you know?!" He was pacing the quarters. "You're nothing but subroutines and force fields! You have no feelings!"
Neelix was so upset he never even noticed when the Doctor reached out and pressed a hypospray against his neck. I expected Neelix to fall down to the floor but instead he remained standing. Seeing my confusion the Doctor explained that he didn't want to keep Neelix under heavy sedation as he'd been unconscious for the past twenty-four hours. Understanding the medical point of view I couldn't help but agree. Besides he needed to deal with this situation and his feelings and he couldn't do that if he was unconscious.
"Doctor, you'll need help in getting him to sickbay. B'Elanna's running a diagnostic on transporters today so they're offline."
The Doctor looked at me and frowned. "Why can't anything ever happen the easy way on this ship?" he asked. He was now supporting Neelix but seemed to have trouble in keeping him upright. I took Neelix's arm and wrapped it around my neck, helping him to stay on his feet.
"Don't ask me. If you find the answer be sure to tell me so I can take steps to correct the problem." I retorted.
We took a few tentative steps toward the doors and when we were sure we had a good hold of Neelix we picked up the pace. We made our way to sickbay in silence and like most of the time, silence didn't serve me well.
Despite my attempts to ignore Neelix's words they kept haunting me. Could it really be so that I was so wrapped up in building a family that I no longer noticed the needs of my crew? It was something I'd tried hard not to let happen, but didn't I now have the evidence before my eyes? After all, I was the captain. I was supposed to protect them. Even more so here, in the Delta Quadrant. How could I have missed this?
My thoughts were interrupted when Seven and Naomi came around the corner. It seemed like everyone froze in their places. Neelix avoided eye contact with Naomi while the girl was looking up at him, obviously feeling miserable. Seven, clearly not knowing what to say or do, was standing still, but keeping a firm grip on Naomi's hand. Since no one was saying anything the tension in the air was beginning to grow thick.
"Seven, Naomi... I thought you were in Astrometrics." No better place to start than the first thing you can come up with, never mind how lame it was.
"We are on our way to the holodeck. We have used a satisfactory amount of time working. Now it is time for recreational activities," Seven provided. Just as I thought I could make small talk about one of my new holodeck programs, Seven continued. "Is Mr. Neelix ill?"
I must have frowned for Seven looked slightly taken aback. I'd have to explain the situation to her later. Now, however was not the time. While the doctor explained Neelix's 'condition' to Seven, I tried to get Naomi's attention. For once I was too tall. The girl wouldn't look anywhere above my knees. I took a better hold of Neelix with my other hand and then reached for Naomi. "Honey, are you okay?"
Before Naomi could say a word, though, she was interrupted by Neelix. "What do you mean is she okay? Her mother just committed suicide! How could she be alright? Not everyone on this ship has a rock for a heart!"
No it was my turn to not know how to react. In a matter of seconds the choices were taken away from me as Seven, at the doctor's suggestion, replaced me and they left for sickbay, abandoning me with Naomi. I tried hard to think what to say but my brain wouldn't produce anything that could be said in front of a child.
"Kathryn?" Naomi finally looked at me. "Is it true? Did my mom kill herself?"
Oh dear god!
"Naomi, I think it's better if we go back to my quarters to talk about this. It'd be better than the corridor. That okay?" I offered my hand for her to take and to my relief she took it without any hesitation.
When we finally sat on our couch with our Coca-Colas, Naomi repeated her question.
"Naomi, you knew that your mom was sick, right?" I asked her in return.
"Yes. She said she was sick and that the doctor said she'd be alright for now, but that it might be that she would get sicker."
"That's true."
"Did she get sicker? You mean she didn't do it herself?"
I placed my glass on the table and moved a bit closer to her. When I found a comfortable position Naomi climbed to sit on my lap. I was organizing my thoughts and finally thought I'd figured out how to explain it all to her. "The doctor told me that you mother did get sicker, yes. But not that sick." I paused, searching for the right words. "Your mom was hurting badly. She knew that the Doctor couldn't help her take the pain away, no matter how much he tried and I think she just couldn't take the pain anymore. So, yes, then she did kill herself. The Doctor tried to save her but then he saw that there was nothing more he could do for her, and he called me to come to sickbay. When I went there, he told me what had happened. He also handed me a PADD. When I opened it, it had two letters. First one was for me. And the second is for you. I've read mine, but I was thinking. maybe now is a good time for you to read yours."
Slowly Naomi took the PADD I was holding. "I don't want to read it."
That was something I hadn't anticipated. "Why not, sweetie?"
" I umm. I, well could you read it for me?"
I was sitting on the couch, thinking about the letter. Naomi was sleeping on my lap and I was holding the PADD containing the two letters. My mind was in chaos, and I was unable to hold on to any single thought.
In her letter to Naomi, Sam had explained what she was going to do, the reasons for doing it and then had reminded her daughter that no matter what she loved her and that she felt she had a choice, she would have stayed. I thought about what I would do if that had been me in Sam's position. What would I have done? I had no knowledge of the severity of her pain other than that it was excruciating. Now I've had my share of pain in life, but I'm not sure I'd want my child to be a witness to that kind of pain. And although I believe life is sacred and should never be wasted, in a way, I guess I can understand Samantha. I just hope that one day, Naomi will as well.
The sound of the chime startled me. I looked down at Naomi and saw her stirring. "Come in."
I wasn't sure if I was surprised or not when I saw Seven standing outside the doors. She looked slightly hesitant and unsure. "Am I disturbing you, Captain?"
"Not at all, Seven. Please come in." Naomi raised her head, noticing that we had company.
"What can I do to help?"
Seven looked at Naomi and then me. "I wished to discuss. the efficiency of the Astrometrics Lab with you, but perhaps this isn't the right time. I was expecting to find you alone. I shall return later."
It was obvious that whatever it was Seven wanted to talk about, it wasn't for Naomi's ears. We had just had the mentioned discussion three days ago. I was about to suggest we meet later in the Ready Room when Naomi interrupted me. "Kathryn?"
"Yes, honey?"
"Can I go with Seven? I'd like to be with her for awhile now," she said.
"Of course. And if you're gone longer than 1600 promise me you'll get something to eat, okay?" I handed Naomi her commbadge and watched as she attached it to her chest.
"I will see that she gets nutritional supplements if needed, Captain." Seven looked at me once more before turning around to leave, Naomi right behind her.
As the doors closed I waited a moment before leaving the quarters. The walls were beginning to close on me. I needed to get out. Do something to exorcise Neelix's words from my mind.
It felt like I was being torn in two. On one hand I knew I couldn't be everywhere at once, overseeing everything, taking care of everyone, but then again I felt like I should have. Naomi lost her mother much too soon and if I'd taken out more time to spend with Sam she might have told me about her feelings, and maybe she wouldn't have taken her own life. God I hate complexities.
I wasn't even paying attention as to where I was going until I found myself in Engineering. I was looking around, wondering why my feet had carried me here. In my brooding mood I usually prefer to be alone, but there's no place busier on this ship than Engineering. I nodded to a passing ensign and made u-turn, heading back the direction I came, when I heard a familiar voice calling me.
"Captain!"
Sighing, I looked behind me to B'Elanna. "Yes, Lieutenant?"
"What are you doing here? I mean. I thought you said you were taking the day off?" She looked worried.
"I am. I just needed to get out, have some other things to think about" I tried to keep my voice crisp and clear but I knew I failed. I prayed she wouldn't touch me, closeness and comfort were the things that I least needed right now as I knew they would make me crumble.
"Kathryn, what is it?" B'Elanna placed her hand on my arm. I forced the tears away, reminding myself of where I was and who I was. Lately I'd let those two thoughts slip my mind too often. I knew my eyes held tears as I asked if we could go into her office to talk.
As soon as the doors closed behind us she practically sat me down and told me to 'talk'.
"I'm not sure where to begin. or if I should even bother you with this -"
"Kathryn don't be foolish. Something is bothering you, that much is obvious. And I'm willing to bet quite a lot that it's got something to do with Sam."
"I know you think it's crazy.even a part of *me* says it's crazy but. the words he said."
"What words? Who said what, Kathryn?" B'Elanna asked, her voice rising in volume.
I was already sorry I'd said anything and I tried to avoid the rest of the conversation. "It doesn't matter really."
But of course B'Elanna didn't buy that. I didn't think she would. "Kathryn, dammit!! You can't avoid this with me! You're my friend and I've known you for too long not to see that something's really upsetting you. And I won't stand by and watch you beating yourself with whatever it is. We can talk about it incognito. You don't have to tell me *who* it was, but you will tell me *what* he said. Alright?"
The words were engraved to my memory as I recited them. "Maybe then it was all your fault. Maybe you should have paid more attention to her and not your darling Commander Chakotay. Maybe then you would have noticed she was going to kill herself."
"That p'taq!" B'Elanna yelled as she jumped up and started pacing the small room. "Who said that?! I'm gonna break his neck!"
"B'Elanna!" No matter what, I would not listen to an outburst like that. She didn't have the right, because Neelix had a good point in his words.
She sat down again and when she spoke her voice was softer, despite the words. "Who would be so stupid?"
"Not stupid, B'Ela. Upset." We both fell silent, me thinking about the sense in Neelix's words and B'Elanna.. who knows. "Maybe he was right," I said. "I mean I've tried not to let it happen but maybe my relationship with Chakotay is distracting me from my duties. Especially now with the baby coming and.I'm not paying as close attention as I used to."
As my eyes met my friend's I could see the barely contained frustration and anger. "Kathryn, how can you say that? How can you even think that?" She was shaking her head as she tried to find the words. I was thinking if I should tell her not to waste any time on it, but a part of me desperately needed to hear how wrong I was.
"Just think of the times you spent with Sam after she got sick. How you helped her. You talked for hours on end. I know because Sam told me about it. she told me how she appreciated it. And you'd just found out about the baby at the time and yet you took the time to be with Naomi, to visit Flotter and Trevis, and you even learned how to play kadis-kot, just to keep her mind away from the bad things!" B'Elanna took my hand again and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Those things alone should show both you and that p'taq how things really are."
I was about to respond when the door chime sounded. B'Elanna looked at me and waited, giving me time to compose myself. "Come in."
I don't know which one of us was more surprised to see Naomi Wildman standing right outside the doors, smiling. "Kathryn?"
"What is it, Naomi?" I said when I finally found my voice again.
The girl closed the space between us with a few steps and wrapped her hands around my waist. Unsure what to say, I remained silent, hugging her back. Out of the corner of my eye I saw B'Elanna leave the room and right before the doors closed I smiled her my thanks. I thought about the child in my arms and wondered what the future would bring her. She no longer had her mother to love her but there was no doubt that Naomi was loved and treasured by everyone around her. I bent to kiss the top of her head and tightened my hold on her.
After quite some time, Naomi finally loosened her hold. "Is something the matter?" I asked her.
She shook her head. "I was with Seven and I love her but." Naomi looked at me uncertainly.
"What, honey? You can talk to me, it is okay." I could see that she was nervous about something, but couldn't imagine what it was.
"Well. can I stay here with you?" she asked.
Again I was surprised, as I thought she would have known the answer to that question already. After all, I did tell her that she could come to me whenever she felt like it. "Of course, Naomi."
"Forever?"
Suddenly I realized what exactly it was that she was asking. Or had I understood wrong? "You mean just spend time with me, or."
"Well, I like to live with you and uncle Chakotay and I don't wanna go away."
It felt like someone had just sucked all the air from the room. She couldn't possibly. "What about Neelix? I thought you would want to live with him?"
"But he's my uncle!" Naomi exclaimed eyes wide open as if the mere thought of her staying with Neelix had never crossed her mind.
My thoughts were in chaos. Naomi? To live with me and Chakotay? For good? How would that ever work? Chakotay and I had a baby on the way, how would we deal with two children? Having the responsibility of one child is.well, frightening but two. Not to mention I was still a captain. How would I find the time to balance it all? Chakotay and I still didn't see eye to eye in the matters that came with the baby. What if Naomi later decided she no longer wants to stay with us? Would I be able to get over the loss? But then again, how could I possibly say no?
"Before I say yes, there are a few things I'd like to ask you. Is that okay?" Naomi nodded affirmative so I continued. "Do you know that I'm going to have a baby?"
Her face took on an interested expression but I was n't quite sure what it meant. "Of course I know. Everybody knows! Last week Celes said that she was betting it was a boy."
I smiled as I briefly thought of the crew's reaction to the news a few weeks ago. "And you're still okay with staying with us? You know the baby will cry a lot. Even during the night. And it'll be very different to live inside those wall then than what it's like to live here now."
"I know. The doctor's told me a lot about babies."
Naomi's comment made me wonder just how much the doctor had told the child, and I made a mental note to ask him about it later.
"Now the important the most important question. Why is it that you want to live with us? You've spent much more with Seven and Neelix. Is there a special reason for wanting to stay with me and Chakotay?"
"Well. Seven is really nice and. but I don't want to live in Cargo Bay Two and that's her home. Besides, she doesn't like to hug," Naomi explained. "But you do."
I thought about Naomi's reasoning and believed I saw the real issue as well. Seven, who was still struggling with her humanity and emotions that come with it, could not offer the emotional support Naomi needed. And even though Naomi couldn't put it into psychological terms, she understood it well enough to follow her instincts to seek the support she felt she needed.
"What about Neelix? He loves you and I know you love him."
"I know. and I do! But.he's my uncle and I.well, I just don't want that to change. I don't know how to explain it," she said.
"Alright.If you're sure that's what you want, then yes. You can stay with us." I said.
One look into the child's eyes told me more than I needed to know. It would work. Besides, she still had Seven as her friend, and Neelix. And everyone else on Voyager. It wouldn't all be on my shoulders.
Naomi hugged me again and whispered, "Thank you."
"You're more than welcome, honey." I gave her another squeeze before letting go. "How about we go tell Chakotay the good news?"
"Yeah!" Naomi took my hand and began pulling me to the door. When we reached the door Naomi turned to me and asked, "Kathryn? Is Uncle Neelix okay?"
Get used to it Kathryn. Kids ask way too many questions. Aloud I said, "He's going to be fine."
"What's wrong with him?" Naomi's voice trembled. "Is he gonna die, too?"
"Oh no, honey. He's just really sad. Sometimes people get so sad they actually get sick. That's what happened to Neelix. But he's with the Doctor now, and the Doc's going to make sure Uncle Neelix will be getting better in no time."
"When can I see him?"
"What do you say if we after telling the news to Chakotay, go down to Sickbay to see him?" I suggested.
"Aye aye, Captain!"
We stepped out on the bridge hand in hand.
Chakotay rose to face us and a quick glance around the bridge told me that everyone had their eyes on me and Naomi.
"Captain?"
"Chakotay, we need to talk." I tugged Naomi's hand and guided her to the ready room, knowing that Chakotay would follow us.
Once we were inside and the doors had closed, I led Naomi to the couch and motioned Chakotay to sit as well. When we were all settled, Naomi sitting next to me and Chakotay facing the two of us, I finally let him off the suspense. "Chakotay. a few minutes ago Naomi asked me something and I agreed. I know I probably should have consulted you beforehand, but I don't think you'll mind."
From the look on his face I guessed he already had a hunch, but I chose to say nothing, wondering if he would tell me or make me tell him. "Alright. What is it then?"
I wondered why I ever even considered the possibility of him letting me get out of this easily. "How would you feel if Naomi stayed with us?"
I looked at Chakotay, trying to read his thoughts and hoped I had the telepathic abilities of a Betazoid. And from the way Naomi was nervously squirming next to me I could tell her thoughts were probably about the same.
"Well?" I prodded.
"I'm not sure what you want me to say, Kathryn," he said.
"Well, anything would be an improvement at this point!"
"In that case. We're already tearing down the wall between our quarters and my old ones. Instead of using the living room as a study we could turn it into Naomi's room and my old bedroom could still be used as the nursery. or then there's always the..."
As Naomi threw herself at him I leaned in closer and silenced him with a kiss.
The end??