Benefits

L.R.T.

You were both sprawled out on the blanket trying to catch your breath, your positions completely symmetrical - one arm up above your head and the other across your stomach. The only difference was that while your hair stuck to your face, hers flowed out onto the grass like a magenta puddle. Neither of you had the energy to speak or even move.

You looked up at the sky, fluffy grey clouds slowly making their way across the stars in the night. It was perfect. Everything was the way it was supposed to be. You turned your head to the left and smiled a little at the sight of the girl next to you, her bare chest heaving as her breath still eluded her.

She felt your eyes on her and looked back at you, raising an eyebrow.

You flushed and quickly jerked your head back to look up at the sky. As much as you loved her, the longer she went without speaking after your hook-ups, the better, because soon after all of your fantasies came crashing down around you. Every time you told yourself that this time was the last time, you have to say no, she's wrecking your head all up, they ended up being a bust. The second you caught her gaze with that look in her eye, it was over before it even began.

"Where'd you learn how to do that?" she asked, breaking the silence between you at last.

You blinked a few times and looked over at her. She was looking up at the sky now as well, a part of the blanket draped over her body. It seemed a little silly to be modest about it at this point but that was the thing about her - a flurry of contradictions meshed together like the stars in the sky above them to create what you considered to be the most perfect creature on the planet.

She snapped her fingers in front of your face a few times then waved her hand. "Hello?"

You had to blink again to get out of your own head, startled by her hand in front of your face. That almost never ended well. "Oh, um. Nowhere. I just did what felt natural."

"Well," she said, stretching with a groan, "nothing about that was natural."

You felt the heat rise in your face again, willing with all your might that it go away. While you were at it, you willed that she realize right that second how madly in love with you she is. You sighed to yourself at the thought and how you actually almost thought to wait for that wish to come true. There weren't any shooting stars tonight. No luck.

"I have a proposition for you," she said, rolling over onto her side to face you, her hair cascading down her shoulder.

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "I was thinking..." She took her finger and began drawing little circles along your chest, your breath catching in your throat at her touch. "We should do this more often."

You stared at her and then looked up at the sky - did you miss one? Did you actually get your wish?

Seeming to completely ignore your response - or lack there of - she continued on, "I mean, shit. Our lives are stressful. What's a better way to decompress, right?"

You didn't even bother to try and hide the disappointment on your face - she would never notice anyway. "Sure. Sounds like a great idea." What were you saying?

"You know," she began, sitting up and searching through the pile of clothes to find hers, "like friends with benefits."

You received the message loud and clear without having the fact that she only thought of you as a friend and always would thrown back in your face. Despite the bad luck you wished again - if you ever found a magic lamp, you would be in business.

You wished you had courage. You wished she wasn't so stubborn. You wished that all of a sudden she could read minds and knew how deep the longing was inside of you to stay there with her all night, tangled in each other, declaring your love in soft whispers every now and then just to make sure the other knew. Most of all, you wished that you didn't have to wish all of these things.

The incessant poking was what woke you up and you assumed it was that other partner of yours, wanting some breakfast. Blinking one eye open with grouchy words at the ready, you were surprised to see that she was crouched next to your sleeping bag. "Um...morning," you said, suppressing a yawn.

Her smile was bright and accentuated by the red on her lips. She was already up and dressed, hair done up the way it had been ever since you'd known her. You really preferred it down but weren't about to open that can of Weedles by telling her so. "I was thinking again."

You sat up and let the yawn come out this time, resting back against your elbows. "Yeah? What about?"

She thrust a worn old spiral notebook in front of you. It was filled with plans and drawings of mechas that they could never afford and probably wouldn't work anyway. This was neither one of those things. "I thought we should have rules. Just so we're on the same page about this."

You scanned down the paper, ticking off items on the list she'd made: keep it secret; one post-coital act of cuddling allowed for every three times they were together; no falling in love; no expectations. You wondered if the last two still counted if you were already in love and had delusions of grandeur. "Seems okay to me," you said, handing it back to her and lying through your teeth.

"Perfect!" She reached down her black tank top and pulled out a pen - an act that you desperately tried to ignore and pass off as completely normal. "So we sign." Her name went first on one of two shakily drawn lines at the bottom of the page. She handed the pen to you and held the notebook as you signed. You felt like you were signing away your life. She stood and smiled at you, then turned and tossed the notebook into the basket of your balloon. "I found some berries while I was writing that, I'll go grab them. Maybe we can actually have something sustaining for breakfast for once."

You watched as she walked off and sighed heavily before falling face first back onto your pillow, hoping that suffocation was a peaceful way to go. Peace never seemed to find you, though, as your furrier partner in crime actually did poke at you this time. "What," you said more than asked against the pillow, muffling your voice.

There was silence for a second before he said, "I'm real sorry, Jimmy."

Head turning to face him, still pressed against the pillow, you groaned. "What are you talking about?"

Thumbing back in the direction that she had gone, he explained, "Dat whole business. I know dis ain't how you wanted tings to be."

"It doesn't matter. It's fine. Everything's fine."

Golden eyes narrowed at you and whiskers drooped with a frown. "No, it ain't! Don'tcha see she's usin' ya? She don't even have da heart to think about yer feelings!"

You sat up, rubbing your face with your hands and then ran them back through your tousled bed-head. "I've been telling her everything's fine. Why would she think otherwise? It's not her fault."

"Tell her da truth!"

You couldn't help but laugh a little. "Sure. Sure, I'll go do that right now."

More frowning. "Why're ya doin' dis to yaself?"

Your gaze followed the path that she had taken away from the makeshift camp. Why were you doing this to yourself? Well, there was the thought that if she wasn't getting it from you, she would get it somewhere else and that was dangerous and extremely stupid. There were worse people out there to sleep with than you and at least she had realized that.

You darted your eyes away from your friend and away from the camp, looking out into the depths of the forest around you, hoping that what you were about to admit to even yourself would get lost in the thick, leafy darkness. "I can have her in some way like this. I get to be with her and touch her and hear her say my name in a way where I don't have to worry about getting smacked right after. This way I have...something."

"Will one of you please help a lady with all these damn berries?!" came a screech from behind a group of trees.

Rolling his eyes, your partner turned from you and started going to the sound of her voice. "Sure! Where is she?"

You knew when he had reached her by the loud yowl that echoed through the treetops. You had to smile - the guy had that one coming. Stretching, you finally emerged from your sleeping bag, feeling as though an Onix were tied to your leg, trying to pull you back down into the comfort and safety of your bed.

You jumped when two hands clasped your shoulders from behind, jerking your head to look over.

"Put a shirt on," she hissed, glancing back quickly at your partner, "you have scratches all over your back!" Biting her lip and trying to fight back a smile, she leaned in, murmuring against your ear, "Sorry about that."

Shuddering at the sensation of her hot breath against your ear, her lips barely brushing against it, you swallowed hard, closing your eyes. "Right. Right, yeah. Shirt, on it."

"Besides," she said, her voice suddenly low and sultry as she moved her hands from your shoulders to rub down your chest, "how am I supposed to keep from having my way with you when you're teasing me like that?" She nipped at your earlobe and pulled away before the third member of your party returned, having been charged with carrying all the berries as punishment for his big Meowth. "Well that took you long enough!"

And she was back. How could she turn on a dime like that? You made a mental note that, next time, you were wishing for that ability. It hurt too much not to be able to move on.

You watched her face intently, goosebumps prickling your arms at the sound of her breathy moan of your name. Her head was tilted back, pressed against the fabric of your broken balloon, her eyes barely closed. Another moan, her nails once again digging into your back while her hips rose up to meet yours and you couldn't hold it in anymore. You tried for as long as you could just to keep the contact with her going but your body eventually took over control from your heart.

You rolled off of her, warmer and more exhausted than usual because of the oddly warm night. Everything felt hazy, the air so thick that you could swear you felt it sticking to your sweaty body like a stun spore; what was sticking to you was the shabby remains of the balloon that had beaten you both to the ground, making for a rare comfortable landing and then a comfortable spot to celebrate your lack of injuries.

"You're amazing," you heard her say breathlessly and once again, reality was setting in.

The sky was perfectly clear but only a few stars were out. Some bright and shining like her smile and others dim, fading into the darkness as though they had given up. You could certainly relate.

"I guess we should go find Meowth and Wobbuffet," she said with a sigh, sitting up.

You reached out and grabbed her elbow, still looking up at the sky for fear of what her reaction might be. "I'm pulling the cuddling card."

Without even looking you knew that she made a face and assessed their surroundings before replying, "Really? Here?"

"It's been more than three times and I haven't used it once. If you count up all of the times we've ever done it, you'd be in my arms for the rest of your life." If only.

She sighed again and nodded, laying back down and scooting close to you, her head on your shoulder and arm draped across your chest. "You have earned it, I suppose..."

You shut your eyes, focusing on the way your bodies stuck to each other as though the universe itself was trying to put you both together. Her hair smelled like some kind of flower. You could feel her breathing and the slow, steady beat of her heart. You hoped that she couldn't feel yours - it was beating too fast to be able to explain it away.

"Do you know what my mother used to tell me?"

Eyes opening, you looked down at her, taking a brief notice of the fact that seemingly on its own, your hand was hovering above her head, fingers dangling down to brush through her hair. All you thought to do was shake your head in response - she rarely talked about her mother or anything from before you met. You were intrigued but slightly confused - why now?

That question was answered with her reply, "She said that all the stars in the sky are actually wishes that have been made." Her voice was soft, almost dreamy, "The bright ones are wishes that have been granted. The dim ones are wishes that have yet to be decided. And then there are the stars that you can't see...those are wishes that are obvious to make but no one's done it yet." You felt her smile against your shoulder and get closer, your other arm sliding across to wrap around her in some insane attempt to keep her there, where you knew she belonged. "So whenever I was lonely or sad, I would look up at the sky and think about all those wishes that have been granted. It made me feel like maybe one day, my star wouldn't be invisible or hard to see...it would be big and bright because all my wishes had come true."

You had never heard her talk like that before and you almost never heard her admit any kind of weakness. Tilting your head down, you kissed the top of her head softly, taking in the smell of flowers again. "I think they will...but you're also bright and shining and beautiful already. Better than any star."

She pulled away to look at you, a look of...something you couldn't quite define on her face. Maybe because you'd only ever seen that look in fleeting moments, ones that felt like a punch to the stomach. You felt her eyes scan your own face as if looking for a crack, something wrong with what you had just said that she could call you out on. When she couldn't find it, your moment would be over and she would be back to her usual self again in seconds.

You never expected to feel her lips against yours. It was so soft that it made how sore and swollen your lips already were feel even more obvious. You couldn't bring yourself to care as you kissed her in return, noticing her own swollen lips. You wanted her so badly you could barely breathe, the air so thick, filling your lungs and making you feel as though you were being smothered from the inside.

When she stopped, she looked back down at you, her blue eyes shining brightly in the darkness - just like the stars. Her lips kept moving slightly as she tried to think of what to say, speechless. You could count the number of times she had been speechless before on one hand.

There was an opening, though; one desperate shot to get through to her. You had to take the chance or you would regret it forever. Leaning up, you captured her lips with yours, bringing a hand up to the back of her head, flowery hair falling over it. To your surprise, she kissed you back - no pulling away or scolding, reminding him of the rules they had both agreed to.

"We need to find Meowth and Wobbuffet," she whispered against your lips, letting herself linger there for a few more brief moments before pulling away and sitting up as she had before.

You stayed there, motionless, only your eyes moving to watch her slip back into her underwear, then her singed uniform. Why did she do that? Why did she want love so badly but pulled away from it every chance she got? Why could she trust you enough to open up about her childhood and sleep with you but not enough to let you love her and let herself love you?

"James?"

Swallowing with a hard gulp, you looked at her and forced a small, tired smile. "I'm coming. Just want to look at the stars a little more."

She smiled back at you - though it seemed a little sad, you thought - and got up to lean against the basket and slip her boots back on. Looking up as she tugged one on, she pointed and said to you, "A shooting star. Make a wish!"

You were way ahead of her. Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath and wished with all your heart. Maybe she was wishing for the same thing. Maybe you would both get bright, shining stars in the sky one day.

One day.