Content Wallaby: An RG Veda Story

by Ucchan1

Are YOU A content wallaby? Ashura is! Anyway, this an RG Veda/CLAMP fan's take on how the series COULD'VE been... it's actually very informative, so even if you don't know anything about RG Veda, you can find this humorous!

Content Wallaby: An RG Veda Story

By Ucchan

Disclaimer: Not mine, no money, don't sue. RG Veda belongs to CLAMP & Mokona

Hello! I'm a random CLAMP fan, who loves RG Veda, and here is my take on the series. Please don't take this too seriously, for I have 'adjusted' some of the characters' personalities. However, most of the information is accurate, and you can get a pretty good background of what the story is like from this fic. ENJOY! BTW: I like content wallabies…. As it should be.

STORY START!

"YOU IDIOT!"

"YOU THICK-HEADED CREEP!"

"GO CATCH YOUR OWN FOOD!"

"AND YOU CAN GO COOK YOUR OWN FOOD!"

"WELL, HOW ABOUT I USE *YOU* FOR BAIT!?"

"YASHA!!!!!!!" cried Ashura, a child of what appeared to be 13 or 14 years but was actually countless years older. She ran to her adoptive father/protector/erstwhile lover, Yasha-oh, the only survivor and king of the Yasha clan, from which he received his name. "RYUU'S PICKING ON ME!!!!!"

Ryuu-oh, a red-haired young king of the Ryuu clan, frowned indignantly, "Ah, geez... Always running to Yasha when things go wrong, what kind of a warrior are you?" Ryuu and Ashura were always arguing over trivial things. Most of the time, Ryuu would be close to winning, and then Ashura ran to her Yasha and everyone ganged up on him.

"Ryuu, don't pick on Ashura!" Yasha, the stern-faced personality-less man, said plainly.

Ashura, with her bright gold eyes and pointed ears, stuck out her tongue at Ryuu from behind Yasha's tall form, the overly-hyper young warrior then proceeded to make faces at the red-haired dragon king.

Karura, another member of our happy gang, smiled at the younger warriors' antics. She was a pale woman, respectively a queen of her own tribe of bird-bonded people. She patted her own elegant white bond-bird that perched on her shoulder. Karura was an elegant woman, VERY elegant, so elegant in fact that she was the model for all bishoujo that came after her. Isn't that nice? Anyway, back to the 'story.'

"You know what?" asked Karura to the other gathered Stars, for that was what they were called.

Yasha leaned against a nearby wall of the ruins they were hiding out in, "What?" the personality-less warrior-king deadpanned.

"I hate Taishakuten..." the birdlike woman replied casually, as if it was no big deal. And in RG Veda, since everyone hated Taishakuten, I don't suppose it was...

Ashura chimed in, "I hate Taishakuten too!" she jumped up and down like a maniac on two bottles of caffeine pills to show her enthusiasm.

"Would you calm down Ashura?" Ryuu remarked snidely, "You are such a ----" he was cut off by the author telling him that there will be no offensive language in this fic. "Aw... why not?" The author replied that he said so. "Ah... whatever, by the way, I hate Taishakuten, too!"

The personality-less man, Yasha, intoned, "I also hate Taishakuten."

Sohma, another of the Six Stars, showed up suddenly. She did that a lot, seeing as how she was a ninja, it kind of made sense. She was a very curvaceous, busty young ninja, with dark tanned skin, dark green hair, and dark tight skimpy clothing. As it turns out, she was the only sane one of the Six Stars. Anyhow, she popped out of nowhere and had a comment for the Stars, "Since the five of us really seem to hate Taishakuten, why don't we kill him?" she suggested logically.

Ashura looked shocked, "OH! That's brilliant Sohma! I wonder why I didn't think of that!?"

Ryuu smiled wickedly and then proceeded to deliver a comment which sent the hyper young caffeinated Ashura into a frenzied fit of weeping and moaning into Yasha's clothing.

Yasha then solemnly told Ryuu to stop picking on Ashura. Ensuing was the usual outbreak of Ryuu being dejected and Ashura making caffeine-induced faces at the poor dragon king.

"NYA NYA!! Ryuu's head looks like a chocobo!" Ashura teased oddly.

Ryuu stared at her glaringly.

Karura started laughing, elegantly as always, she had a laugh similar to Kodachi from Ranma 1/2, for that's how I imagine it.

Yasha said, ". . . "

Sohma shook her head, realizing that the insane Six Stars would never get around to killing Taishakuten, and since she really wanted him dead, (well, he DID destroy her entire clan because of their ability to give the gift of eternal life to one person in their lifetime, I would be pretty pissed, too) she decided she would have to trick the gullible stars, "Hey, look over towards Taishakuten's castle, an ENTIRE VAT OF READY-MADE FOOD!"

This seemed to work well enough, as Ashura leapt from her position next to Yasha and sprinted in the direction Sohma pointed. Following her were Ryuu and Yasha, Ryuu wanted the food, and Yasha and his personality-less self wanted Ashura. Karura followed slowly, for it took a lot of effort to look infinitely elegant while running. Thus she and her bird strode slowly after Ashura and the others.

Sohma sighed, "Well... at least it's a start, maybe by the time they reach the castle, they'll be inspired to actually get on with killing Taishakuten." Which reminds me, I haven't told you who Taishakuten is. Well, he is the evil emperor (or Tentei) of the world in which the RG Veda characters live. He lives in a big castle, and everyone hates him, so the Stars are off to kill him... supposedly... He has spiffy silver hair, but needs to put on a shirt, I mean, even God wears a shirt, so he should as well! Also, in case you couldn't tell, Ashura is the youngest of the Six Stars, and Ryuu is the second youngest. All the other characters are actually adults of varying ages between 19 and 29 (for no one in anime is over 30 unless they're REALLY OLD).

While the author was finishing his long explanation of all this, five of the Six Stars reached the castle. The castle was very large, to say the least. It was pretty and ornate and probably wouldn't look good painted fuchsia, but that's besides the point. So anyway, they were there. As with all large buildings, the characters stopped and stared up at its height in astonished bewilderment for no apparent reason since they had already seen this particular castle many times.

Ashura, however, was bouncing around unhappily as she could find no food. "I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry! Feed me! I want food!" she complained like a royal pain in the ass.

Yasha, the personality-less man and bad father that he was, said, "Yes, Ashura, you shall have food."

"YAY!!!!" said Ashura like a psycho madwoman on speed.

"Hey, what about me, I'm hungry too," complained Ryuu.

To which the entire cast (even the ones you haven't met yet), suddenly popped up and said, "QUIT YOUR WHINING, SISSY-BOY!"

So then Yasha turned to Karura and Sohma in a personality-less manner, "Well... where is the food for Ashura?"

"And hungry Ryuu," hungry Ryuu chimed in.

"QUIT YOUR WHINING, SISSY-BOY!"

Sohma tried to ignore the odd people, "Umm... food? But I thought you said we were going to kill Taishakuten?" she faked, hoping the Stars were stupid enough to believe it.

"Oh yeah, kill Taishakuten," Karura nodded elegantly in an elegant manner. "That's right, I hate Taishakuten, we have to kill him."

The others nodded in agreement, adding in that they, too, hated Taishakuten.

Without warning, Kujaku appeared from thin air and smiled like a maniac, which he most likely was. In his arms, as if to emphasize his insanity, he was holding a fluffy white pig-bunny thing. These things are native to whatever world it is that these Stars come from. Moving on, Kujaku was a blue-haired man with a nifty haircut. He also had a nifty outfit, a nifty smile, and a nifty little accent. Kujaku, who just happened to have purple eyes like a demon, black wings, and a stargazer's wand, was over all, kind of nifty. He wasn't one of the Six Stars, but since he helps them out, they don't mind him too much. Except for Yasha, since he is so personality-less.

Ashura laughed and giggled and jumped 17 and four-sevenths feet into the air with a squeal of childlike glee that only our over-caffeinated genderless heroine could supply. Her dark blue ponytail bobbed in time with her rhythmic bouncing, "KUJAKU!" She giggled at her friend, who was almost as happy and jacked up as she was.

"ASHURA!" he giggled in a nifty manner. The two psychos proceeded to hug each other and swap shopping tips. Moving on, the other Stars seemed indifferent to Kujaku's existence.

"So, what are you here for Kujaku?" Ashura asked in an almost tolerable tone.

"Oh, I just came to bring my little puppy-wuppy, Ashura, a little gift..." the purple-eyed man told her.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!~!" She squealed in anticipation as she wondered what her gift would be.

Ryuu, of course, intoned, "Oh, I'll bet he's gonna give her the pig-bunny thing..."

This, of course, shattered Ashura's surprise, and she broke down into a weeping fit of sobs and crying.

Karura came to Ashura's aid, "Ryuu.... you should not be so mean to Ashura, it upsets my ability to be elegant, isn't that right, Garuda?" she asked her life-bonded bird as it perched on her left shoulder.

It squawked a few times, and then Karura and her bird seemed engaged in a interesting conversation.

Sohma studied the oddness of the gathered people and sweatdropped. "Why must I be surrounded by these losers?" The green-haired babe sunk as she saw her hard work being undone as Kujaku's appearance suddenly deterred the short attention spans of the Six Stars.

Ashura, still crying like a Sailor Moon-wannabe, looked up at her friend Kujaku. Being unable to smile in such a state, he handed her the bunny-pig. This, as expected, cheered her up instantly, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...........................!!!!!!~! IT'S SO CUTE!!!!"

Ashura proceeded to hug the life out the pig-bunny until it popped, for that is how I imagine it.

Ryuu sighed, and delivered yet another crushing comment that sent Ashura into tears over her lost pet. Karura proceeded to beat Ryuu into a bloody pulp, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT WHEN YOU TEASE ASHURA, IT UPSETS MY ABILITY TO BE ELEGANT!!!!!~!" the birdlike woman screamed, losing her elegance temporarily.

Ryuu twitched in pain, "Ouch... help me, I'm dying..."

"QUIT YOUR WHINING, SISSY-BOY!!!!" the cast chorused again.

Yasha said, ". . . "

Sohma sighed with exasperation, "Why me...?" she looked around for something to get the Stars back on track, "Oh, little Ashura, come see, in the castle, your mommy!"

Ashura, who was in a weeping fit, suddenly leaped 26 and five-ninths feet into the sky with a childlike squeal, "REALLY!!!!??? MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!~!!"

With that, Ashura darted into the castle (which would not look good in fuchsia on the interior, either). Following on her heels were Kujaku and Yasha, Kujaku because he wanted to go into the castle, Yasha and his personality-less self wanted Ashura.

Sohma sighed and lifted the dying Ryuu off the dirt ground in front of the castle. Like the intelligent (and sexy) woman that she was, she thought to herself, "You know, we have not met any people since this story started, no crowds, no side-characters, nothing! What a loop-hole!" She proceeded to carry his corpse into the castle, where the author would magically revive him so he could keep his part in the story.

Karura, as we would expect, brushed her hair back neatly and strode slowly into the castle, for it would be not-so-elegant to do otherwise. The pig-bunny still lied popped on the ground.

As the Stars got into the castle (finally), they were met with an interesting sight, the three warlords all were gathered as if ready to meet the Six Stars. The warlords attacked the Six Stars, but since I dislike them, Ryuu killed them all with one hurtful comment.

Yasha said, ". . ."

Sohma sighed in exasperation as they passed the corpses of the warlords. "I better be getting paid overtime for this..." she mumbled to her sexy self. They passed many decorative rooms of lavish lifestyles and plush living, it seemed like a pretty nice castle overall, but who really cares?

So the Six Stars and Kujaku finally reach the throne room, where all the important people are and the poorly-drawn guards, but we'll ignore them since they are mostly a plot device. Sitting in the middle on the big chair was Taishakuten, remember him? Yeah, that's the one. Anyway, to his right was the crack ho herself, Sashi! She just happened to be Ashura and Tenou's mother. Ashura happens to have a twin brother named Tenou, by the way. They are twins by two different fathers. Yup, she's a crack ho. Anyway, Sashi was being queen/empress at the moment to Tenou's father, Taishakuten. She was also very ugly and should be beaten with a stick for trying to kill Ashura when Ashura was young. What a bitch. Moving on, there was Tenou, a vivid-red-haired young man with really lousy clothes. Poor guy, it looked like his psycho-bondage-freak-father dressed him every morning. But Tenou is cool, so don't crack on him!

So anyway, Tenou is also hopelessly in love with the Sixth Star, Kendappa-oh, who is very odd. She is a sweet and polite young harp-player one moment, and schizophrenic power-hungry warlord the next. She works for Taishakuten, oddly enough. Anyway, she has REALLY LONG black hair, sheer funny clothes, and an unhealthy obsession with Sohma.

"KENDAPPA, MY SWEET, MARRY ME!!!!!!!!!" Tenou yelled out with lust, for this is how I imagine him.

The clueless harp-player smiled sweetly, "Oh, Tenou, you're so nice, but you don't have to give me sweets..."

Sohma sweatdropped at the scene.

Ashura suddenly came bounding in, "MOMMY!!!!!!!" she screamed enthusiastically like a content wallaby. The young genderless child leaped across the room (it's a big room, by the way) and into the queen's lap. Ashura then proceeded to hug the queen tightly and Sashi was soon gasping for air.

"Get... her.... off!" Sashi choked out to the guards, who all secretly hated her but wanted to get into her pants, even though she was an ugly crack ho.

Tenou frowned at his mother, "Really, mother, must you use such language?!"

Sohma sighed and sweatdropped at the scene once again.

Yasha said " . . . "

And then Kendappa noticed them, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!~!" she squeaked as she hit a joygasm, "SOOOOOOOOHMAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! MY LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sohma said, "eep." and hid behind Karura, who was too busy being elegant to notice.

It was at this point that Taishakuten noticed everybody, for he wasn't really that bright, "Oh my, we have guests! SOMEONE! Make a cake now!" He was also kind of odd, "And bring my royal apron!"

The guards rushed off to do as they were told. Taishakuten turned to his current wife and asked in a conversational tone, "So, you annoying crack ho, how long have these people been here?"

Sashi choked out, "about... five min... minutes..."

Ashura then squeaked "MOMMY!!" and squeezed a bit too hard and Sashi popped like a deflated pig-bunny.

Ryuu laughed, "NYA NYA! NYA NYA! Ashura's got no more mother!! HA HA!"

Ashura then fell into a puddle of weeping Ashura goo on the floor.

All the meanwhile, Kendappa chased Sohma around Karura, who was still too busy being elegant to notice. Tenou followed Kendappa, professing his undying love for her, while Kendappa kept yammering on to Sohma about that earring she gave her and how now they were 'destined to be'. Sohma ran screaming in terror.

Yasha said, ". . ." for he was much too plain and personality-less to do anything else.

The guards returned with the cake and Taishakuten's royal apron, which he promptly put on, because he just really liked wearing an apron. It didn't help matters that he was naked.... and I'll tell you why that is! You see, Taishakuten has what we authors like to call a "naked-ness obsession," meaning he likes to get naked a lot, in case you didn't know. Anyway, back to the 'story,' as it may be.

Ashura, who was still a pile of weeping-Ashura-goo on the floor, smelled the cake and bounced over to her hated enemy with too much energy and a smile on her face, "CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE! GIMME FOOD!!!!"

The personality-less man, who was still just standing there solemnly, said plainly, "Give Ashura food, for she shall have food."

Taishakuten then noticed Yasha and got big hearts in his eyes, "OH MY!!!~! YOU ARE *JUST* MY TYPE! YASHA, MY LOVE, RUN AWAY WITH ME!"

Ashura, who had just scarfed down the cake and Taishakuten's hand along with it (but it magically grew back, by the way), turned to Yasha and Taishakuten, "WHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT!?!?!??" Ashura exclaimed in probably her only serious comment throughout this entire story, "YOU MEAN YASHA'S *GAY*?" I take it back.

Yasha raised an eyebrow, but still managed to show no personality, " . . . "

Taishakuten, however, was very amused as he wiggled in delight, exposing his backside for the entire cast to see. No one was very interested in that however, because this is not that kind of story, "Oh... Yasha... You know you look like kind of like my ex-boyfriend, I don't suppose..." the white-haired, aproned-emperor trailed off, then pulled a Kendappa, "MARRY ME, YASHA!!!!!!!!"

Ashura happy continued to munch on her food as Taishakuten molested Yasha in places that made Karura blush, causing her to look less elegant. This stirred her from her thoughts and she stepped out of the way of the triad of maniac lovers who were circling about her to catch one another. She yawned as Kendappa threw herself onto Sohma, and Tenou piled himself on top of them both. Sohma squirmed painfully, hoping to be free of the insane lovers.

"SOHMA, RUN AWAY WITH ME!"

"YASHA, WHAT A BIG...!"

"OH, MY SWEET KENDAPPA!"

"I'm still hungry."

"QUIT YOUR WHINING SISSY-BOY!"

Sohma sighed, and removed herself from the pile on the floor and decided to retire to Russia, where all the sane people lived. But not, of course, without collecting her very large paycheck!

Finally, Ashura finished all the food in the world while she was sitting there. Seeing as there would be nothing left to eat for at least five minutes, she stood up and turned into Dark Ashura (who I will refer to as a boy, for that is how I imagine it). Dark Ashura, as it turns out, looks exactly like normal Ashura, except with evil eyes, also, he has a fetish for Taishakuten, because I said so.

"TAISHAKUTEN!" The small whiny voice boomed.

Taishakuten 'eep'-ed and shook in his tiny apron (mostly because he was cold, not out of fear, but Dark Ashura doesn't know this). He stopped groping Yasha, who didn't do anything but stand there and say ". . . " and turned to look at Dark Ashura, "Yes...?" he asked meekly.

"YOU HAVE BEEN CHEATING ON ME!" Dark Ashura squeaked in a small voice, "AGAIN!"

Taishakuten shivered (a breeze came through). "No! It's not true!"

Dark Ashura's eyes narrowed at him, "REALLY!? THEN WHY DOES THIS MAN HAVE NO CLOTHES ON! I *KNOW* YOUR PREFERENCES!" Dark Ashura pipped like a high-pitched gnome.

Taishakuten shuddered (another breeze), "IT WAS HIM!" He pointed at Ryuu, who had been standing there the whole time making a model of a dragon out of paper clips, "HE'S BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YASHA!"

The entire cast gasped, "NO!"

Taishakuten nodded, "YES!"

The entire cast reiterated, "NO!"

To which Taishakuten responded, "IT'S TRUE!"

Ryuu gasped, "I HAVE!?!?" He blushed many shades, "How COULD I?!?!.... Hey, wait! I haven't been having an affair with Yasha," he said in a rare moment of brilliance.

Karura sighed, "Damn, there goes that fanfiction I was writing about the two of you..." She shook her head elegantly in a elegantly elegant manner.

Kendappa lifted herself off the floor, "I must go find my SOHMA!!!!" she screamed suddenly and threw herself out the window to go search for her love.

"NO! Kendappa! I must go with you!" Tenou stated, taking the elevator instead.

Dark Ashura waved them off, "I SEE, TAISHAKUTEN! YOU HAVE BEEN *LYING* TO ME! FOR THIS, I MUST..."

He was cut off when Taishakuten leaned over and whispered something in his ear.

Dark Ashura turned several shades of red as he listened, "WHAT!?!? You can't do that with a jar of jelly beans and soap! Gasp! Ooohh... That sounds kinky... With Yasha too? Okay, I forgive you!"

With that, Dark Ashura turned back into Ashura, "Oh... where am I?" she cooed.

Kujaku came over and helped pick her up, "We're, like, in the castle, DUH!" the blue-haired man smiled with a valley girl accent, "What a silly puppy you, like, are."

Karura smiled and joined in, "Like, Oh my gawd! Can we all, like, go SHOPPING? It would be so totally, like AWESOME!"

Yasha said, " . . . "

Ashura grinned her puppy-like smile, "YAY! FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD!"

Ryuu was still blushing the corner, considering his affair with Yasha.

Kujaku beamed, "Like, OF COU~URSE, we just HAVE to get food, like, what would be the point if we, like, didn't?"

Taishakuten, who hated the valley girl accent, suddenly caught pneumonia from being in nothing but an apron too long and died. He also hated the color fuchsia, though he was fond of lavender.

Sohma, who was elsewhere, sweatdropped at the fact.

Ashura noticed, somehow, that Taishakuten was dead, and that he couldn't be much of anything else, since the story was ending soon, "Why look, he's died, and now the story will be ending soon..."

Karura smiled elegantly in an elegant manner, "That's too bad, I had such a nice time being elegant..."

Yasha said, " . . . "

THE END

Quick epilogue (for that is how it should be)

Taishakuten, Sashi, the pig-bunny, the warlords, and all the characters that I left out.... died painfully.

Karura ended up being a modeling instructor for all the bishoujo who wished to be like her.

Ryuu took on a job as a male stripper at a gay bar, because he found out he was really good at it.

Kujaku ended up being homeless, on the street, begging for pennies, just because SOMEONE had to...

Sohma ended up living out her life peacefully in Mexico in blissful retirement like a content dancing hamster.

Kendappa and Tenou ending up searching the globe for their respective partner-of-choice for the rest of their miserable lives.

Yasha took up the position of "most personality-less character in anime" and decided to be a lamp-post somewhere, but who really cares?

Finally, Ashura's life turned out rather poorly, as Yasha was no longer around to get her food. Luckily, she was immortal, so it didn't matter and she lived happily ever after working for a Mangaka team called CLAMP with her best friend Mokona.