All That Glitters

You see a lot of funny things as the queen. You see a lot of funny things in the Crimean Knights. So, naturally, my life is not a bore.

Geoffrey was awoken with a start this morning, and so was I, by natural default. It turns out Kieran was trying to tell us something important.

"What IS it, Kieran?" Geoffrey asked, upon seeing who the messenger was.

"Gold! Gold! Tons of gold! Buried under Castle Crimea!" he shouted, "If we dig it up, our economy will simply BOOM!"

"That's great, Kieran!" I said excitedly. "We can get our group together to go mining."

"But your majesty…" Kieran said, "If you come along, who shall guard the throne?"

"I'll do it…" Geoffrey said meekly. His face showed utter disappointment about not being able to come along.

"You'll do no such thing!" I said, and kissed him once. "My uncle may guard the throne."

Renning happened to catch that last part of the statement and asked, "And what will you be doing while I am guarding the throne?"

"Digging up gold," I said frankly.

"But I want to come too!" he complained, "You only live thrice, you know…" We all laughed at his little joke, and then I noticed Lucia watering a ficus on the other side of the room.

"Lucia!" I asked, "Best friend forever! Can I ask a HUUUGE favor of you?"

"Sure!" she said, "I'm all ears."

"Will you guard my throne while we go dig up some gold?" I asked.

"NO!" Lucia said, "Are you insane, woman?"

"Don't address the queen that way, you traitor!" Kieran shouted. Geoffrey told him to calm down as Lucia and I were friends and therefore I was used to being addressed in such informal terms by her when no major conflict had arisen.

"Let me guess," I said sighing, "You want to come and dig up the gold too."

"Of course!"

"Okay. I want to dig up the gold, Uncle Renning wants to dig up the gold, Geoffrey wants to dig up the gold, and Lucia wants to dig up the gold. Bastian! Bastian can guard my throne!" I said excitedly, but sadly when I found him, he said the exact same thing… except… more Bastian.

"All that glitters is not gold," he said, "Nonetheless, if there is such a chance to broaden our wealth, I shall not be forced into passivity when my kinsmen triumph in collecting its beauty!"

"Okay, if the entire royal family is on leave to collect some gold," Kieran began, "Then I suppose it must be my duty to guard the throne." Everyone's, my own included, eyes widened at the statement.

Geoffrey jumped up and said, "You know, I wasn't looking forward THAT MUCH to digging up the gold! I'll stay behind and guard the throne."

"Geoffrey," Kieran began, suspicious, "If I didn't know any better I'd think you didn't think I was QUALIFIED to guard the throne."

Lucia rolled her eyes saying, "If you didn't know any better… right."

"I wonder if Astrid, Makalov, and Marcia are busy…" I said quietly.

"Great idea!" Kieran shouted, "I'm sure they'd enjoy the gold search!"

"Did someone call us?" Makalov asked, his sister to his left and his wife to his right.

"Yes! We were going to collect some gold, and we need someone to guard the throne who ISN'T KIERAN!" Lucia said.

"I don't see why you guys don't trust me…" Kieran said sadly.

"Collecting gold?" Astrid asked, "Well then…"

Marcia put her foot down just then. "Makalov HAS to guard the throne."

"What?" Makalov asked, "Why me?"

"Because, dear," Astrid began, "You… kind of… umm… spend every coin you see…"

"Oh, I see! You don't think I can go gold-mining without blowing my share in the first hour!"

"Quarter hour…" Marcia said bluntly.

"But I wanted to guard the throne," Kieran said, disappointedly.

"You can search for gold instead," Marcia said happily.

"But I…" Kieran began. So Makalov was left at my throne to guard it… unattended. I wondered if maybe this wasn't the best idea. Nonetheless, we were on the way to gold. Uncle Renning and Geoffrey dug up several satchels, maybe 3 or 4. But Lucia had already dug up 20 when I looked at her.

"H-how?" I stammered.

"I swordfight," was her reply.

I let the fact that my Uncle and I also used swords and weren't able to dig up nearly that much gold slide.

"Hey," Geoffrey said, quietly, "Where did Kieran go?"

"Kieran!" Marcia cried, "I do hope he's okay!"

"I'm sure he is…" Lucia said, "He's probably just being an idiot again."

I was worried so I followed a proud-sounding voice. I couldn't make out the words but I found the cavern in which we had left Kieran. He stared awestruck at every individual gold piece. "Ooh… shiny! Ooh… shiny!" he continued to say, looking at all of the coins.

"Kieran!" Marcia laughed, "You always were distracted by the shiny…"

We left the mine and we all had a good laugh. Kieran said, "And now you know why I wanted to guard the throne."

I became worried just then. "Oh no! The throne! MAKALOV!"

Makalov was trying to fight off some thief by himself, unarmed, making high-pitched noises and waving his limbs around haphazardly, standing on my throne. He wobbled backwards and accidentally kicked the throne over onto an antique porcelain vase behind it.

"MAKALOVVVVV!" Marcia scolded angrily.

"I didn't do it!" he shrieked, "It was him!" he said pointing at the thief. Then he jumped out the window.

"My vase…" I cried.

"That wasn't the real vase, Elincia!" Uncle Renning shouted proudly, "The real vase is hidden in a safe in the master bedroom! That was just a cheap fake to trick petty thieves like that one."

"Wait," I said, "This is a third-story window." I looked down to see if Makalov was okay. He was, because Bastian was a bit slow coming back to the house.

"Do not fear. I have caught the presuming lout! He is now my prisoner!" Bastian joked.

"Oh, you," Makalov said beaming.

"But what about the throne, your majesty?" Kieran asked.

"I'll get it," Uncle Renning said, putting the throne back up. But then his back began to hurt."

"Duke, let me give you a back rub," Geoffrey offered.

"Geoffrey!" Uncle Renning scolded, "I told you to call me 'Uncle'!"

"Oh… right," Geoffrey said.

"Guys," Lucia pointed out, "Did you forget the thief was right there? Well now he's gone! Lord Renning, he may have gone after the real vase."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that," I said knowingly.

"Aaaaugh!" the thief screamed, "There is DIRTY UNDERWEAR in that room!" Then he jumped out the window and landed in the fountain.

"Geoffrey!" Lucia said, "Who knew your not-doing-laundry would come in handy?"

"What are you talking about? I do my laundry. It was ELINCIA'S underwear," Geoffrey said honestly.

"It's dirty because I dipped it in garbage. The smell has faded over time, but it's still just as disgusting to look at as ever," I said.

"Oh!" Lucia said, "The garbage panties from our childhood!"

"She keeps it as a memento of the past," Geoffrey said, taking my right hand in his left hand. "Not that I blame her. Our childhood days were the nuttiest of our lives."

Smiling at my family and friends, I said, "Who knows if those days are even over?"

----

BONUS: One Man's Trash

Lucia was celebrating Elincia's birthday and had purchased her a gift of undergarments. "Why thank you, Lucia," Elincia said quietly.

"So now that you're 12," Lucia said, "Will you tell me who you like?"

"Okay," Elincia said, "But you have to promise not to laugh."

"I give my word," she said.

"Geoffrey…" Elincia said quietly.

Lucia began to laugh uncontrollably. "You promised!" Elincia complained.

"I'm sorry…" Lucia said, wiping a tear from her eye, "I couldn't help it. You like Geoffrey! You like Geoffrey!"

"Stop!" Elincia said, "Or I'll throw away the panties!"

Her hand hovered holding the panties over the garbage pile. Geoffrey walked by and she froze. "Hey, Elincia…" he said, "You look cute today." Elincia blushed and didn't realize that she had dipped the panties in the garbage pile.

"ELINCIA!" Lucia shrieked, "THE PANTIES!"

Elincia looked down at her hand. "Oh no!" she shouted.

Lucia and Elincia looked at the garbage-covered underwear. "Hmm…" Lucia said, "I think I like it better this way." For the next 2 years, they would put it under Bastian's pillow every Sabbath night, hoping he would never wise up to where that horrible smell was coming from. When Ashnard took over Castle Crimea, Elincia made sure she had it when she evacuated because even if she couldn't see Lucia or Geoffrey again, she would have her childhood memories.