A/N: Hello, all you internet people! DarkScizor here! Just so you know, I don't own Mario. Or Nintendo for that matter. If I did, the Star Spirits and the Koopalings would get a LOT more screen time.
Super Mario Bros. Director's Cut
Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins
Location: World 5-1
The moon shone high above World 5-1. The only thing that could be heard were his footsteps. He crept around the Warp Pipes, the moonlight glinting off of his katana. After about 30 minutes of this, he made it to his destination: a Bill Blaster.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out his onmitool. He used the computer interface to set its function to "screwdriver". Working carefully, he unscrewed the panel covering the blaster's motherboard. Changing the omnitool's setting to "wire cutter", he proceeded to snip several of the wires.
He would stop Bowser.
One enemy at a time...
Location: A few miles outside of Toad Town
One day, on the outskirts of Toad Town, a fat Italian man was sleeping in his bed, dreaming of pasta, spaghetti, ravioli, and other stereotypical Italian food like that. Suddenly, a short guy with a mushroom on his head sprinted in.
"MARIO! MARIO!" he shouted. The Italian man kept on snoring away. The mushroom man tried again: "C'MON MARIO! GET UP!"
No response.
"WAKE UP YA LAZY BUM!" he said as he violently pulled the Italian – Mario – out of his bed.
The overweight man grudgingly woke up from his slumber. "Aw, can't it wait, Toad? I was just dreaming about food. Mmm...fooooood..."
"No, Mario, it can't! Our worst fears have been realized!"
Mario jolted out of bed and hurriedly got dressed. "You mean..."
"YES! THE PRIN-"
"Hypno and Ronald McDonald have teamed up to steal all of the world's children as they sleep?"
Toad stared for a few seconds. "Wha- NO! THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY BOWSER!" After screaming this, he collapsed from exhaustion.
Mario looked down at the unconscious mushroom man. "Uh...m'kay...so why do you need me?" No response. The morbidly obese man kicked him in the stomach. Toad regained consciousness and clutched his abdomen in pain. "Oh, sweet Eldstar, I think you ruptured my spleen..."
Mario said, "Again, why do you need me to save the princess? I barely know her! Now you expect me to save her from...who?"
"The evil Koopa King, Bowser...OHGODMYORGANS!"
The fat man stifled a giggle. "Heh...Bowser...His name's funny...Bowser...But, again, why do you need me? Couldn't you just get somebody else to do it?"
"Good thinking! Take your brother with you... MYLIVERISFALLINGAPARTWHYWON'TTHEPAINEND?"
"But...I...I...ugh. Fine! I'll go save this princess, but I'd better get some kind of reward at the end!"
"Well, I hear she can bake cakes..."
Mario suppressed the urge to stab Toad in the head. He gestured to the thinner man in the bed next to him. "Fine. C'mon, Luigi, let's-a go."
Location: World 1-1
Mario looked out across the plains. Everything looked so peaceful. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and everything just looked wonderful. Mario turned to his thinner brother, Luigi. "Luigi, I really don't see anything wrong. Just look; everything seems to be okay. Maybe we should just go back ho-"
Luigi pointed. "M-Mario?"
"Yeah, Luigi?"
"BEHIND YOU!"
Turning around, Mario saw what his brother was looking at. Standing in front of them was...
...a...brown...mushroom-y...thing.
Mario stared at it in disgust. "Luigi...what IS that thing?
"Hold on, let me check my guidebook..." Luigi reached into his dark blue overalls and pulled out a gigantic book entitled The Super Mario Bros. Enclosed Instruction Book. "According to The Enclosed Instruction Book, it's called a Goomba. Says here that they're dumber than peat moss. Their main method of attack is running straight into the enemy."
Mario stared at it for a while. "Really? That's just stupid." He leaped up into the air and landed on the Goomba. The brown mushroom-y thing was immediately crushed under Mario's massive weight. Mario scraped the Goomba goo off of his shoes and walked on. Luigi just stared at the pile of sticky goop that once was a Goomba. "Eew..."
"LUIGI! GET OVER HERE!"
Luigi trudged over to where his older, fatter brother was standing. "What, Mario?"
Mario pointed up. "Those blocks...they're glowing. What's up with that?"
Luigi consulted The Enclosed Instruction Book again. "Okay, this is a ? Block. They contain mystical powers that allow them to-"
Mario ignored him as he jumped up into the air, fist-first. He hit the ? Block on the right with his fist, and a coin came out. Mario picked it up and looked at it. "So...they contain money?"
"Yes, and-"
Mario jumped towards the other ? Block. A mushroom with a face came out.
"Hi! I'm a magic mushroom! Thanks for saving me! As a reward, I'm gonna give you 3 wishes! So, what'll it be, red dude? Fame? Power? Your very own talk show?"
Mario picked up the adorably cute mushroom and ate it.
Luigi screamed in horror. "MARIO! Why'd you do that?"
Mario smiled contently. "Mmm...fooooooooood..." Suddenly, Mario felt his whole body tremble. He could feel his body lengthening and stretching. After a while of this, the fat Italian man looked down – and screamed.
"MAMMA MIA! LUIGI! WHAT'S-A HAPPENED TO ME?"
"Well," said Luigi, "according to The Enclosed Instruction Book, the mushroom you just ate was a Super Mushroom. They make you grow to twice your height."
"AWESOME!" the 10-foot-tall plumber yelled. "This'll make everything so much easier!" Mario started running forward towards honor and glory and things like that, while his green-clad brother ran behind him, trying – and failing – to catch up. The giant Italian leaped over a green pipe and hit the ground running. He jumped over a few more pipes – and onto a few more Goombas - before he finally stopped and waited for Luigi to catch up. And waited. And waited.
Luigi finally made it to the spot where his older brother was standing. "Next time, could you not run so fast, Mario? Some people don't really have a lot of energy!"
Mario smirked. "Heh...classic Luigi. Always trailing in the wake of his big brother- WAH!" Unbeknownst to the Mario Bros., but knownst to us (Spaceballs reference for the win), a Goomba had snuck up behind Mario and tackled him to the ground. Mario got up, dusted himself off, and proceeded to beat the living crap out of the Goomba. It was only after the Goomba had been beaten to a quivering, 100-point pulp that the man in red realized something.
"Uh, Luigi, what happened to my awesome-sauce mushroom powers?"
After flipping through his book, Luigi said, "Apparently, they only last until an enemy attacks you..."
"WHAT? THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! AND JUST BECAUSE I CAN, I'LL TAKE OUT ALL OF MY ANGER ON YOU!" Mario leaped high into the air, preparing to come down on Luigi's head...
...and hit a block instead.
Mario fell to the ground in pain. "Owww...where did that block come from? And what's that green mushroom?"
Luigi took one looked in his book and screamed. "MARIO! GRAB IT!"
Mario did as Luigi told him. "What is it, Luigi?"
Luigi showed him the book. "It's called a 1-Up Mushroom." The illustration in the book showed a Renaissance-style drawing of a green mushroom. Mario read the corresponding text out loud. "Discovered in 1265 by the Toad Marco Polaroid, these incredibly rare mushrooms have the ability, when consumed, to bring the dead back to life. There seems to be a link concerning these mushrooms involving Worlds 1-3 and 2-1, but current research has yet to determine if this is true."
"Isn't that great, Mario? This thing brings the dead back to life! Just think of the good we could do with-"
Mario ate the thing in one gulp. "Mmm...foooooood...Well, let's get a move on, Luigi." Mario walked on, jumping over a random bottomless pit. Luigi proceeded to strangle the air for a little while before following his brother.
Eventually, Mario and a still fuming Luigi came across another ? Block. Mario hit the glowing block excitedly. "Ooh, I hope this one has another mushroom!" Instead of a mushroom, out of the block came a flower. Mario picked it up in disgust. "Aw, I can't eat this..."
Once again, Mario's brother consulted The Enclosed Instruction Book. "This one's called a Fire Flower. You can absorb its power and shoot balls of flame from your hands. It works by-"
Once again, Mario ignored him and absorbed the flower's power. His entire body was cloaked in a red energy field. His blue overalls turned blood red, and his red shirt and hat turned snow white. Mario looked at his new wardrobe and chuckled. "Oh, this is frigging AWESOME!" He concentrated on his palm, and a ball of flame formed. Mario cradled it in his hand for a bit before hurling it at an incoming Goomba. The unfortunate mushroom-y thing exploded in a pillar of flame.
Mario could hardly contain his excitement. He had the ability to shoot FIRE! This was almost too epic for words! Mario screamed, "COME AND GET ME, GOOMBAS!" and ran off, leaping over the pit in front of him. Luigi, being far smarter, decided to use the blocks floating above him as a bridge to the other side. After a few minutes of this flame-shooting and block-jumping, Mario came to a halt. Standing in front of him was a somewhat humanoid turtle with a green shell. Mario called to his brother. "Luigi, what's that?"
Luigi hopped down from the floating blocks and thumbed through his book. "These things are called Koopa Troopas. They're the main foot soldiers of King Bowser's army, and-"
Mario giggled. "Bowser...hehe..."
Luigi pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Anyway, the book says that you can defeat them by either shooting a ball of flame at them or jumping on them. Since we don't really know everything that this thing can do, I think it's best to shoo-"
Again, Mario ignored him (honestly, at this point, did you really expect any different?) and jumped on the Koopa's stupid-looking head. The turtle pulled itself into its shell in fear. Mario decided to kick the shell simply because he could. The green shell careened toward a squadron of Goombas and hit them all, leaving a blood-and-point-stained mess in its wake. Mario and Luigi stared at the path of destruction the turtle had caused. Mario cheered. "Yes! With all of those Goombas out of the way, there's nothing on Earth that can stop us now. He jumped joyfully into the air...
...and hit another block. After getting back up, Mario looked at the thing that had popped out. It was a glowing star.
Luigi enthusiastically looked in his book. "All right! We got a Star! These things have the power to make the holder completely invincible for about 20 seconds! We'd better save that – who knows when we might need it?"
Mario looked at Luigi, then back to the Star. I'll give you three guesses as to what he did.
Mario absorbed the Star's power. Suddenly, the obese man was enveloped in a field of pure energy. He flashed with the seven colors of the rainbow. Upbeat samba music came out of nowhere. Mario looked over at Luigi and gave him a big, goofy grin. Luigi fell to the ground and quietly sobbed. The man in red tipped his hat, shouted, "Let's-a go!", grabbed Luigi's hand, and dashed off.
He jumped over bottomless pits with the skill of a gazelle. He burned through Goombas as if the were no more than paper. He ran faster than he ever thought possible. He ran up a random staircase and leaped toward a random flagpole.
It was the greatest 20 seconds of his life.
Mario felt the power leave his body and screamed, "SWEET SKOLAR, WHAT A RUSH! Right, Luigi?"
Luigi crawled away for a couple seconds before falling to the ground, quietly saying, "...why...why..."
Mario picked up his traumatized brother and walked on.
Location: Reykjavik, Iceland
The girl slept quietly, clutching her Teddy Ruxpin bear. She dreamed of fairies and gumdrops and male models. She had no idea that two tall, thin figures were standing over her.
The hook-nosed one reached down and pulled wispy, translucent tendrils out of her nose. The girl's peaceful countenance faltered for a bit before returning. The man who had taken the tendrils proceeded to devour them.
"This one's dream is delicious. I think we've got a keeper. Don't you think so, Ronald?"
The taller one lifted his arms and yelled, "RAN RAN RU!"
He was quickly shushed by his shorter companion. "Quiet! Do you want them to hear us? Now, quickly, help me carry her."
The taller one nodded. "Hai, Hypno-san." The two figures lifted the girl out of her bed and carried her through the window. They left the house and moved on to the next one.
So many children, so little time.
A/N: Well, that wraps up Chapter One! I'll be updating pretty sporadically, so keep an eye out for the next chapter!
No flames, or Hypno and Ronald will come for YOU.