Chapter One
The car had slowed down and stopped in the car park of the local service station. The long curvy road that they had been following would take them eventually to the beach, Summer bay. When they had first started out it had seemed so far away. It would take them days to get there so it didn't seem as nervewracking, safer somehow, because of the distance. They had fun planning the journey, it had seemed like a holiday at first. And in front of the kids, they spoke of it that way. Kirsty told them of the beautiful beach where she had spent her adolesence and met their daddy. She spoke of the people there as if they were a nice group of friends, like she was still missed by them and kept in contact. Kane would give her a glare, he didn't like lying to the kids but he didn't want to tell them the truth either. He had decided long ago that it was best they forgot about Summer Bay. Of course, what he did would always be with him but he didn't want it to be with the children. He didn't want to talk about the place in front of them, let alone visit it. His wife, however, had formed other ideas.
They were sitting on a bench, the four of them, Kane's arm was draped protectively over Kirsty's shoulders while she sat swinging her legs, watching the traffic pass by them thoughtfully. The children sat with their golden heads close together, they were leaning in to look at KK's Gameboy and the afternoon sun made the hair on their heads glisten, giving them sparkly halos. They were both sucking lollipops which Kane had bought them from the newsagent there, to quiet the whinges and cries which came from being couped up in a stuffy car for the long journey.
"You know...." Kane whispered to Kirsty, "We could go back....It's not too late to change your mind."
She shook her head, laughing. "I know you don't want to do this but we have to....If not for Jade then for the kids. I'm not letting them become the dirty little secret hidden away somewhere from the rest of the family. It's alright for us to hide but I am not about to let my kids suffer."
"I know....I feel the same, Kirst'.....P'raps you could go with the kids. I'll drop you off and then go back home. I'll come and pick you up once the wedding is over."
"No." she said, sighing determinedly and gripping his hand. She loved his hands and the way they locked into hers so perfectly. They made her feel so safe and secure. "I'm not going without you and you're not going to wriggle out of this one. I thought you were ready to face this?"
"I am but......"
"But nothing. We are going. No arguments."
Kane gave up protesting and squeezed her hand a little harder. It was part of the reason he fell in love with her, that determined, strong spirit of hers. You could see it when you looked into her eyes sometimes. It made him feel strong enough to do anything. Strong enough to sort himself out and accept the crap that has happened in his life and why it happened. If it wasn't for her, he knew he wouldn't be sitting there with two kids and a life and ahead of him. He'd also found that if you looked hard enough into those eyes he adored, the strongness would melt away and she would cling on to him because she needed him too. He wondered if anyone else could see it, he hoped not, it made it more sweet being a secret, something she only shared with him.
"What are you talking about?" KK asked suspiciously, looking up from the game.
"Boring grown up's stuff." Kane replied, reaching for a lick of his son's lolly. "Watcha' playing?"
The talk trailed off until Kirsty could barely hear it anymore. She wondered for a second what the hell she was doing back here after all of this time. She remembered the last time that she had been anywhere close, when she had sped off with Kane, only fifteen years old, leaving her family and everything she knew behind her for a life with the man she loved. Finally free. Since she was a child there had been something inside her, something wild. Her family thought she just got over-excited about things, that it was normal. But it hadn't worn off and had followed her into adulthood. Kane made her feel like she belonged. There was no greater feeling, we spend our lives looking for a place to belong, Kirsty had found it when she had fallen for her man. It wasn't just the forbidden fruit, the excitement of being on the run, she loved Kane so much that it ached whenever he had to leave her for a while. She loved every little thing about him, even the dark side of him, the things that his Dad and brother had given him. Her family had forced her to make a choice and she chose him. She had no regrets about that but now that she was grown and had children she started to think differently. She wanted them to know where they came from, where they belong. Which was why she was making this journey. Yes, it was going to be hard. Yes, it was going to disrupt Dani's life again and that was the last thing anybody wanted. But this wasn't about want, it was about need and she, Kane and their children needed to do this. Jade needed her twin there on her wedding day. And the others in her family, maybe they needed it too, they just couldn't see that yet.
She stared out at the road which was to take them away from the life they had built for themselves and straight into what they had been trying to escape from. They were ten minutes away from the bay, ten years from the time they had departed. They were on the edge of something, she didn't know whether it was acceptance or disaster, but she knew they had to find out. The longer you stand on the edge, the harder it is to jump.
"Mummy, how long are we going to stay here for?" Lilly-Anne asked with a weary look on her four year old face. She was fiddling with her ear, which she always did when she was tired.
"We are going now, cutie!" Kirsty said, leaning past Kane and KK to ruffle her daughter's dark blonde hair. She glanced at Kane who stared nervously back. He would never admit he was scared, he always had to be the tough guy but Kirsty could tell what was going on underneath just by looking at him, "Come on..." She said, to him as much as to the kids, "It's time to go."
Kirsty reached into her pocket and pulled out the crumpled piece of paper that lay at the bottom beneath an empty packet of chewing gum and the caravan keys. She also had a piece of paper with the number of their caravan. Kane and Kirsty were always so forgetful. Once when they went on holiday they couldn't find the hotel they were staying in and couldn't be bothered to look very far, so they ended up sleeping on the beach. Kirsty now always wrote down where they were staying so that she wouldn't forget but she usually lost the paper too so there wasn't really much point.
The new owners of the caravan park had been nice. A young couple, about the same age as Kirsty and Kane. It was still wierd, walking in and getting themselves a caravan like they were just holiday-makers and had nothing to do with the caravan park or the bay. No connection except a simple holiday. They hadn't bothered to tell them that Kirsty used to live there and her parents once did the job that they were doing. There didn't seem much point in dragging it all up.
They hadn't unpacked. The cases were on the floor of the double bedroom. Kirsty ought to be doing it right then but she couldn't resist having a little lie down on the bed before getting started. KK and Lilly-Anne had already started the "Who-gets-the-top-bunk" argument so Kane had gone in there to sort it out. He was good at calming down their arguments but they quickly turned into tickling sessions so Kane could be a while.
Her eyes ran over the neatly hand written words on the sheet of paper. It had been neatly folded and tucked into a pink, scented envelope. The moment she had seen it coming through the letter box at home she had known it was from her twin. They spoke on the phone often but Jade still insisted on sending letters. Kirsty wasn't so keen, she had never had enough patience to sit still and write long letters. She did enjoy receiving them, espeically when they came with photographs, which they nearly always did.
Dear Kirsty,
Thenk you for the letter you sent, along with all the pictures. They're all on my wall now, it's certainly brightened up the dining room and bedroom! I am glad you liked the ones I sent to you. I wanted to send you everything to do with the wedding, so that it would feel like you were here with me, helping me to prepare. I know you don't like that sort of thing, "yucky-girlieness" you used to call it. Well, you certainly looked VERY girlie in your wedding photos!! Very, very pretty indeed! I wish I could have been there to help you get dolled up. Maybe even have been your bridesmaid!!!! I loved the pictures that you sent of KK and Lilly-Anne too. They are such little angels and you should be very proud of them, which I know you are!! It makes me wish I had some pictures to send you of my children . I keep hoping that it will happen one of these days. I know I have to be patient but it's very hard sometimes. Things over here are good. As you have probably guessed, I am up to my ears in wedding arrangements at the moment. I want everything to be perfect for our big day. It makes me wish sometimes that we could so what you and Kane did and have a little quiet affair, just the two of us but maybe it is better this way. Seb is doing everything he can to help me and of course Mum ,Dani and Leah are always on hand (Leah's been a star, she knows what I'm going through, remember her "Big fat Greek wedding"????!!!! ) It's times like these, family celebrations, that make you realise just how scattered our family is. Mum and Dad aren't living together and that makes me sad because I always imagined them being together when I got married and I miss you and Brodie so much!! To think that you won't be there gets me all worked up but PLEASE don't think I am trying to make you feel guilty because I know that it's impossible for you to come back and we will meet up after the whole thing is over. Please call or write soon. I am missing you a lot right now.
Lotsa love, hugs and kisses,
Your ever-loving twin,
Jade
xxxxxxxxxxxx
It was so comforting to get letters and phonecalls from Jade. It reassured her that the world back in Summer Bay still exsisted and she had a link to it, if anything happened to her family, she would know. Jade hadn't always written and phoned. At the start, Kirsty didn't know how she felt about the whole thing. The last time she had seen Jade, she had given her that hard, confused look. Like she couldn't ever even begin to understand her, let alone forgive her for all the hurt she was had caused Dani and the family. There wasa huge gap between them. Kirsty didn't think that she would ever get to reach across it.
When Kirsty found out she was expecting her second child, she was desperate to tell someone from home the news. It had broke her heart that her KK was growing up unnoticed by the family. They didn't even know that Kane Kyle Phillips exsisted and he was their Grandchild, their nephew. One night she was feeling particuarly low and missing her family so she called Jade's mobile. She hung up as soon as someone picked up. But she kept on doing this until she got the courage to speak. At first Jade had been cold, thinking Kirsty mean for leaving them, begging her to come beck because Rhys and Shelley were fighting and everything had turned upside down. But gradually, Jade began to accept that Kirsty wasn't coming back. They weren't the same girls that had moved to Summer Bay together. They had grown up and Kirsty had a family now. They began rebuilding that close sisterly relationship that they had before. Although Jade never really accepted Kane, she hardly ever mentioned his name in letters and calls, she was willing to understand that Kirsty loved him.
"Hey lazybones," Kane walked in, feigning annoyance, "You were supposed to be unpacking, remember?"
"Sorry," She quickly folded up the letter and tucked it into her pocket, she knew that he didn't have anybody who cared enough to write him letters and she didn't like to rub it in his face, "I got distracted."
"By what?"
"By this huge bed. It's so comfy!" She bounced up and down, he flopped down beside her and grabbed her chin, pulling her in for a long kiss . "Certainly is that." He said, after they had parted.
"I ought to go and see Jade. It's getting late and I wanted to go today."
"Welllll...." He glanced down at his watch, a birthday present from Kirsty. "You could always leave it until tomorrow."
"You....." She flicked his nose, playfully then her face turned serious. "You know we have got to face them don't you? All of them. Even Dani."
"I know. And I'm gonna do it. For you."
"No, Kane. It's for the kids, not me."
"Alright then. For you and the kids. 'Cos I gotta say this 'Kirst, when we left here I gave you the choice. I was gonna throw you out of the damn car and leave. But you talked me 'round. You chose me 'Kirst and I'm so grateful. You knew I couldn't give you the life you wanted but still you sacrificed everything for me and I'm gonna show you now that I can do it too. I'm gonna face them all and you're gonna get all the happiness you deserve."
"I love you, Kane Phillips." She said, tears stinging in her eyes. Then she kissed him once again. He was wrong about one thing. He said that he couldn't give her the life that she wanted, she wanted this life. Her, him and the kids. She wouldn't swap it for the world. She was about to tell him but she looked at him,deep into his eyes. She decided there was no point. Sometimes you can tell people things without opening your mouth to say a word. Then she thought of her Mum, Dad and Dani....Sometimes all the words in the world can't make any difference to the way people were feeling. There isn't anyway of explaining that will make it any better.
"We really ought to go to Jade's." Kirsty repeated.
"Do you want any help, Jade?" Seb called from the dining room.
"No, it's okay. You stay in there, entertain our guests!" Jade called back laughing.
She filled the sink with water and washing up liquid, ready to dump in the four plates. She liked this, having their own little family meal in their own little house. This was her favourite time of day, early evening when they had just finished dinner. It was even better when they had company. This was the sort of life she had always wanted. But still, there was a lot missing. There was still that empty feeling in the pit of her stomach sometimes.
Carefully, she pulled her diamond engagement ring off her finger and placed it on the window sill. She kept glancing at it as she dipped the plates into the water. She loved Seb, she really did, but there was still that emptiness. She longed for the house to be full of voices like it was tonight with Dani and Scott visiting. Her thoughts were interupted by someone excitedly knocking on the door......
The car had slowed down and stopped in the car park of the local service station. The long curvy road that they had been following would take them eventually to the beach, Summer bay. When they had first started out it had seemed so far away. It would take them days to get there so it didn't seem as nervewracking, safer somehow, because of the distance. They had fun planning the journey, it had seemed like a holiday at first. And in front of the kids, they spoke of it that way. Kirsty told them of the beautiful beach where she had spent her adolesence and met their daddy. She spoke of the people there as if they were a nice group of friends, like she was still missed by them and kept in contact. Kane would give her a glare, he didn't like lying to the kids but he didn't want to tell them the truth either. He had decided long ago that it was best they forgot about Summer Bay. Of course, what he did would always be with him but he didn't want it to be with the children. He didn't want to talk about the place in front of them, let alone visit it. His wife, however, had formed other ideas.
They were sitting on a bench, the four of them, Kane's arm was draped protectively over Kirsty's shoulders while she sat swinging her legs, watching the traffic pass by them thoughtfully. The children sat with their golden heads close together, they were leaning in to look at KK's Gameboy and the afternoon sun made the hair on their heads glisten, giving them sparkly halos. They were both sucking lollipops which Kane had bought them from the newsagent there, to quiet the whinges and cries which came from being couped up in a stuffy car for the long journey.
"You know...." Kane whispered to Kirsty, "We could go back....It's not too late to change your mind."
She shook her head, laughing. "I know you don't want to do this but we have to....If not for Jade then for the kids. I'm not letting them become the dirty little secret hidden away somewhere from the rest of the family. It's alright for us to hide but I am not about to let my kids suffer."
"I know....I feel the same, Kirst'.....P'raps you could go with the kids. I'll drop you off and then go back home. I'll come and pick you up once the wedding is over."
"No." she said, sighing determinedly and gripping his hand. She loved his hands and the way they locked into hers so perfectly. They made her feel so safe and secure. "I'm not going without you and you're not going to wriggle out of this one. I thought you were ready to face this?"
"I am but......"
"But nothing. We are going. No arguments."
Kane gave up protesting and squeezed her hand a little harder. It was part of the reason he fell in love with her, that determined, strong spirit of hers. You could see it when you looked into her eyes sometimes. It made him feel strong enough to do anything. Strong enough to sort himself out and accept the crap that has happened in his life and why it happened. If it wasn't for her, he knew he wouldn't be sitting there with two kids and a life and ahead of him. He'd also found that if you looked hard enough into those eyes he adored, the strongness would melt away and she would cling on to him because she needed him too. He wondered if anyone else could see it, he hoped not, it made it more sweet being a secret, something she only shared with him.
"What are you talking about?" KK asked suspiciously, looking up from the game.
"Boring grown up's stuff." Kane replied, reaching for a lick of his son's lolly. "Watcha' playing?"
The talk trailed off until Kirsty could barely hear it anymore. She wondered for a second what the hell she was doing back here after all of this time. She remembered the last time that she had been anywhere close, when she had sped off with Kane, only fifteen years old, leaving her family and everything she knew behind her for a life with the man she loved. Finally free. Since she was a child there had been something inside her, something wild. Her family thought she just got over-excited about things, that it was normal. But it hadn't worn off and had followed her into adulthood. Kane made her feel like she belonged. There was no greater feeling, we spend our lives looking for a place to belong, Kirsty had found it when she had fallen for her man. It wasn't just the forbidden fruit, the excitement of being on the run, she loved Kane so much that it ached whenever he had to leave her for a while. She loved every little thing about him, even the dark side of him, the things that his Dad and brother had given him. Her family had forced her to make a choice and she chose him. She had no regrets about that but now that she was grown and had children she started to think differently. She wanted them to know where they came from, where they belong. Which was why she was making this journey. Yes, it was going to be hard. Yes, it was going to disrupt Dani's life again and that was the last thing anybody wanted. But this wasn't about want, it was about need and she, Kane and their children needed to do this. Jade needed her twin there on her wedding day. And the others in her family, maybe they needed it too, they just couldn't see that yet.
She stared out at the road which was to take them away from the life they had built for themselves and straight into what they had been trying to escape from. They were ten minutes away from the bay, ten years from the time they had departed. They were on the edge of something, she didn't know whether it was acceptance or disaster, but she knew they had to find out. The longer you stand on the edge, the harder it is to jump.
"Mummy, how long are we going to stay here for?" Lilly-Anne asked with a weary look on her four year old face. She was fiddling with her ear, which she always did when she was tired.
"We are going now, cutie!" Kirsty said, leaning past Kane and KK to ruffle her daughter's dark blonde hair. She glanced at Kane who stared nervously back. He would never admit he was scared, he always had to be the tough guy but Kirsty could tell what was going on underneath just by looking at him, "Come on..." She said, to him as much as to the kids, "It's time to go."
Kirsty reached into her pocket and pulled out the crumpled piece of paper that lay at the bottom beneath an empty packet of chewing gum and the caravan keys. She also had a piece of paper with the number of their caravan. Kane and Kirsty were always so forgetful. Once when they went on holiday they couldn't find the hotel they were staying in and couldn't be bothered to look very far, so they ended up sleeping on the beach. Kirsty now always wrote down where they were staying so that she wouldn't forget but she usually lost the paper too so there wasn't really much point.
The new owners of the caravan park had been nice. A young couple, about the same age as Kirsty and Kane. It was still wierd, walking in and getting themselves a caravan like they were just holiday-makers and had nothing to do with the caravan park or the bay. No connection except a simple holiday. They hadn't bothered to tell them that Kirsty used to live there and her parents once did the job that they were doing. There didn't seem much point in dragging it all up.
They hadn't unpacked. The cases were on the floor of the double bedroom. Kirsty ought to be doing it right then but she couldn't resist having a little lie down on the bed before getting started. KK and Lilly-Anne had already started the "Who-gets-the-top-bunk" argument so Kane had gone in there to sort it out. He was good at calming down their arguments but they quickly turned into tickling sessions so Kane could be a while.
Her eyes ran over the neatly hand written words on the sheet of paper. It had been neatly folded and tucked into a pink, scented envelope. The moment she had seen it coming through the letter box at home she had known it was from her twin. They spoke on the phone often but Jade still insisted on sending letters. Kirsty wasn't so keen, she had never had enough patience to sit still and write long letters. She did enjoy receiving them, espeically when they came with photographs, which they nearly always did.
Dear Kirsty,
Thenk you for the letter you sent, along with all the pictures. They're all on my wall now, it's certainly brightened up the dining room and bedroom! I am glad you liked the ones I sent to you. I wanted to send you everything to do with the wedding, so that it would feel like you were here with me, helping me to prepare. I know you don't like that sort of thing, "yucky-girlieness" you used to call it. Well, you certainly looked VERY girlie in your wedding photos!! Very, very pretty indeed! I wish I could have been there to help you get dolled up. Maybe even have been your bridesmaid!!!! I loved the pictures that you sent of KK and Lilly-Anne too. They are such little angels and you should be very proud of them, which I know you are!! It makes me wish I had some pictures to send you of my children . I keep hoping that it will happen one of these days. I know I have to be patient but it's very hard sometimes. Things over here are good. As you have probably guessed, I am up to my ears in wedding arrangements at the moment. I want everything to be perfect for our big day. It makes me wish sometimes that we could so what you and Kane did and have a little quiet affair, just the two of us but maybe it is better this way. Seb is doing everything he can to help me and of course Mum ,Dani and Leah are always on hand (Leah's been a star, she knows what I'm going through, remember her "Big fat Greek wedding"????!!!! ) It's times like these, family celebrations, that make you realise just how scattered our family is. Mum and Dad aren't living together and that makes me sad because I always imagined them being together when I got married and I miss you and Brodie so much!! To think that you won't be there gets me all worked up but PLEASE don't think I am trying to make you feel guilty because I know that it's impossible for you to come back and we will meet up after the whole thing is over. Please call or write soon. I am missing you a lot right now.
Lotsa love, hugs and kisses,
Your ever-loving twin,
Jade
xxxxxxxxxxxx
It was so comforting to get letters and phonecalls from Jade. It reassured her that the world back in Summer Bay still exsisted and she had a link to it, if anything happened to her family, she would know. Jade hadn't always written and phoned. At the start, Kirsty didn't know how she felt about the whole thing. The last time she had seen Jade, she had given her that hard, confused look. Like she couldn't ever even begin to understand her, let alone forgive her for all the hurt she was had caused Dani and the family. There wasa huge gap between them. Kirsty didn't think that she would ever get to reach across it.
When Kirsty found out she was expecting her second child, she was desperate to tell someone from home the news. It had broke her heart that her KK was growing up unnoticed by the family. They didn't even know that Kane Kyle Phillips exsisted and he was their Grandchild, their nephew. One night she was feeling particuarly low and missing her family so she called Jade's mobile. She hung up as soon as someone picked up. But she kept on doing this until she got the courage to speak. At first Jade had been cold, thinking Kirsty mean for leaving them, begging her to come beck because Rhys and Shelley were fighting and everything had turned upside down. But gradually, Jade began to accept that Kirsty wasn't coming back. They weren't the same girls that had moved to Summer Bay together. They had grown up and Kirsty had a family now. They began rebuilding that close sisterly relationship that they had before. Although Jade never really accepted Kane, she hardly ever mentioned his name in letters and calls, she was willing to understand that Kirsty loved him.
"Hey lazybones," Kane walked in, feigning annoyance, "You were supposed to be unpacking, remember?"
"Sorry," She quickly folded up the letter and tucked it into her pocket, she knew that he didn't have anybody who cared enough to write him letters and she didn't like to rub it in his face, "I got distracted."
"By what?"
"By this huge bed. It's so comfy!" She bounced up and down, he flopped down beside her and grabbed her chin, pulling her in for a long kiss . "Certainly is that." He said, after they had parted.
"I ought to go and see Jade. It's getting late and I wanted to go today."
"Welllll...." He glanced down at his watch, a birthday present from Kirsty. "You could always leave it until tomorrow."
"You....." She flicked his nose, playfully then her face turned serious. "You know we have got to face them don't you? All of them. Even Dani."
"I know. And I'm gonna do it. For you."
"No, Kane. It's for the kids, not me."
"Alright then. For you and the kids. 'Cos I gotta say this 'Kirst, when we left here I gave you the choice. I was gonna throw you out of the damn car and leave. But you talked me 'round. You chose me 'Kirst and I'm so grateful. You knew I couldn't give you the life you wanted but still you sacrificed everything for me and I'm gonna show you now that I can do it too. I'm gonna face them all and you're gonna get all the happiness you deserve."
"I love you, Kane Phillips." She said, tears stinging in her eyes. Then she kissed him once again. He was wrong about one thing. He said that he couldn't give her the life that she wanted, she wanted this life. Her, him and the kids. She wouldn't swap it for the world. She was about to tell him but she looked at him,deep into his eyes. She decided there was no point. Sometimes you can tell people things without opening your mouth to say a word. Then she thought of her Mum, Dad and Dani....Sometimes all the words in the world can't make any difference to the way people were feeling. There isn't anyway of explaining that will make it any better.
"We really ought to go to Jade's." Kirsty repeated.
"Do you want any help, Jade?" Seb called from the dining room.
"No, it's okay. You stay in there, entertain our guests!" Jade called back laughing.
She filled the sink with water and washing up liquid, ready to dump in the four plates. She liked this, having their own little family meal in their own little house. This was her favourite time of day, early evening when they had just finished dinner. It was even better when they had company. This was the sort of life she had always wanted. But still, there was a lot missing. There was still that empty feeling in the pit of her stomach sometimes.
Carefully, she pulled her diamond engagement ring off her finger and placed it on the window sill. She kept glancing at it as she dipped the plates into the water. She loved Seb, she really did, but there was still that emptiness. She longed for the house to be full of voices like it was tonight with Dani and Scott visiting. Her thoughts were interupted by someone excitedly knocking on the door......