Title: The Left Behind
Part: 1/5
Author: dilly r
E-mail: dilificusathotmaildotcom (I warned you about the abortion and incest, don't send hate mail, please.)
Archive: Ask first and include the warning at the top. I don't want anyone to read this if it will upset them.
Disclaimer: I don't own Firefly, it belongs to Joss.
Note: The parts are separated by episode, so they will vary (sometimes drastically) in length. The total length of the story is around 9000 words.
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"She's not Saffron," River says. "Anyway, shouldn't have flowers on ships, it's unlucky."
Simon closes his eyes and tries not to be annoyed with her. He's felt guilty about being annoyed at her since he's gotten her back. Never had that problem before.
She is sitting sideways on one of the examination tables, still cradling the red pillow she'd taken from Book under her blouse. "Saffron is made from the reproductive organs of a crocus."
"Right," Simon says, distractedly. He is reorganizing one of the cabinets that River got into.
"They rip them out and dry them up and sell them for spicing food. And sometimes an antispasmodic, but only on back--" She notices the look Simon is giving her and quiets for a moment, and only that. "I don't like her dress and the way she looks at people."
"Lower your voice," Simon says, glancing out toward the common area in case anyone is listening. "Is that why you took the pillow she was going to use?"
"She wasn't going to use it." She bows her head and coos at the pillow beneath her blouse. "Will you love our baby, even though you don't love me?"
"Please don't start that again, River."
She falls the short distance between her feet and the ground, her voice suddenly loud. "Shut up, shut up. I don't like it when you talk about me being crazy in front of the others either."
"River..." He reaches for her, but she jerks herself away from him.
"No! You can't sometimes, then not. You can't think some thing and say the other. It's very confusing," she flung both hands out. The pillow fell from her blouse to the ground. She stared down at it. "Look what you've done, Simon."
Simon's stomach twisted. She is getting worse. Every day, she is getting worse. He bends to pick up the pillow and she snatches it back up.
"Don't touch. It's my problem." She holds it against her breast. "It's a her." She walks out of the infirmary, saying behind her, "When she reaches maturity she'll have a larger vocabulary than a male."
For a moment, he forgets her state and he wants to yell at her. But he remembers himself by the time he reaches the open infirmary doors.
"Where are you going, River? Don't wander."
"Don't ask nice when you aren't." She stops for a moment and says. "Going to my bunk, if you want to see your daughter later."
Simon sighs and squeezes the bridge of his nose.
---
"Simon forgets," River says to the pillow. She knows it's not a child. "Not like me, sometimes, how I forget how to be human. With all the memories flooding in so fast I don't know which are mine. Simon forgets because he doesn't want to remember."
She is sitting on her bunk, naked, with the red pillow propped up on her knees. She knows that Simon will check on her soon. It is late. The ship is hot. The people inside make it that way.
"He won't be here long. We'll have to hurry," River says to the pillow. It does not respond.
Simon slides the door open and slips into her room to check on her, like she knew he would. When he sees the state she's in, he quickly closes the door behind him.
"River, what are you doing? Anyone could have come in here."
She gives him a look. He's so dumb sometimes. "Knew it'd be you."
He sighs and sits at the edge of her bunk. "Come here," he whispers.
River moves close to him, rests her head on his shoulder. The rest of the ship is hot, but Simon is surrounded by the soothing cold. Cold through her veins and deep into her body. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, shivering.
"Get your bedclothes on, River. It's cold."
"Will this be our marriage bed?"
"River." He looks at her with the same horrified expression he'd given her before, when she'd told them about the baby.
She knows better than to trust his face.
"Of course I know. Could have had your work like a haven, but now it's all extracting bullets." River bites her lip and pulls away from him. "I'm the one with the best injury, Doctor, but you were never very good with neurology. Having it all come down to electric impulses." She looks at him suddenly. "No! You can't just poke at me, stick me with things. That's not how you put me to sleep."
Simon puts his hands heavily and gently on her shoulders, then pulls her into a hug. "I'm sorry, River."
"You don't even know why," she says, exasperated. "There's more of me here than you think."
"I love you, meimei. But it's not like marriage."
River pulls out of his arms and curls up around the red pillow on her side. "Can't qualify love, Simon, it's just what it is."
He opens his mouth to speak, but she interrupts him.
"Goodnight."
There is knocking in the hallway, against the sliding doors of Simon's room. They can hear Zoe's muffled voice calling his name. He gets up and pokes his head out of the door. The two of them say things. River closes her eyes tight and hugs the red pillow.
Simon turns back to River and says "stay here" before leaving her alone.