"Off The Page" Contest
Pen Name: MaraMariano
Title: Ready To Fall
Book/Written Work: How To Talk To A Widower by Jonathan Tropper
Summary: Even one year after his wife's death that was exactly what Edward felt like. Ready to fall. Fall off the face of the earth, that is. If the house collapsed with him inside he wouldn't even bat an eyelid. But his family had other plans than to leave him drowning in self-pity and Jack Daniels. And not to forget his stepson's beautiful guidance counselor… [AH E&B]
Word Count: 8040 words
For Rules and Other Submissions, please visit: http://www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/u/1981556/
Disclaimer: Nope. Everything related to Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer just like everything related to How To Talk To A Widower belongs to Jonathan Tropper.
Thanks for the beta-ing once more go to awesome Becky (Clashingway)
A/N: So… I have to say I absolutely love this book. (I swear I'd build an altar for it if I had more space in my room. No, just kidding. Maybe.) Funny and sad at the same time, very real considering the feelings and the perfect example for 'friends are God's apology for your family' or better: 'rather have rats in the basement than your family visiting'.
I tried to don't work after the book too much but in a way I couldn't help it. I even worked quotes in although the book was nowhere near me. I guess that happens when you read a book seven times since getting it in… November I think it was.
I don't know if you want to know but I always, and have from the start, imagined Milo Ventimiglia as the main character Doug, and Sophia Bush as the twin sister so… maybe when I'll re-read the book for the eighth time Doug will have Milo's eyes together with Rob's hair. xD
Sorry, I'll stop rambling now and just leave you to the story.
Ready To Fall
Edward POV
Her hand runs up my thigh and for the umpteenth time that night I want to pull her into the next secluded corner, push her dress up over her smooth legs until it is just one crumpled heap of fabric around her waist and bury myself deep inside her.
"Tanya, I'm driving," I say, my hand clutching the steering wheel just a little tighter.
"I know. And you're really good," she replies in her bedroom voice and out of the corner of my eye I can see the smirk on her lips – her full, ruby red lips – as her hand moves a bit higher. "At driving."
This doesn't happen often, that Tanya lets out her teasing and seducing side, with her almost forty years the time she lived that out has passed, but when it does she turns into this stunning confident seductress and always takes me by surprise.
I should have expected this though when she came out of the bathroom earlier this evening in that blood red, low cut dress that hugged her – even after one child still toned – curves in just the right way.
"Do you want us to end up in the ditch?"
"I trust you, Edward," she purred leaning over to place feather kisses on my neck.
Torturous minutes later I finally park my car in the garage and as soon as we're both out I'm at her side pulling her close, not able to resist any longer.
Immediately I feel her arms coming around my neck as our lips move in sync, her body pressing close to mine, while my hands start to roam her body. A quiet moan escaping her I use this chance to deepen the kiss, our tongues fighting for dominance, as I push her against the car my hands running up her creamy thighs.
One of her hands wanders down my chest and down to my belt, our lips still locked. When the need to breathe becomes too urgent I pull away, only to move to her neck, placing open mouthed kisses on her skin, while the click of my belt echoes in the silence of the garage. A moan escapes her and I soon join in as I feel her hand down my pants.
Not much later her dress is crumbled up at her waist, just like it had been in my fantasy, and her hand, tangled in my hair, tugs to pull my lips closer to her chest as I lay her on the hood of the car, still warm and pinging underneath us, her legs coming up to wrap around my waist. I crush my lips to hers, feeling the vibrations of her moans that turn into ringing as I touch her most sensitive spot.
Wait?
Ringing?
A person might make a lot of noises during sex, but ringing is most certainly not one of them.
And there it was again.
The doorbell.
I groan as I slowly open my eyes to the foggy sight of my living room and a dull pain behind my eyes, wishing whatever bastard that just stands on my doorstep to be brutally attacked by the rabbits on my lawn.
But of course I'm not that lucky and the ringing becomes fiercer instead.
Sighing I get up from the couch and put the glass, that has somehow magically stayed in my hand even as I slept, on the coffee table next to the almost empty bottle of whiskey before heading to the door.
Who the fuck would ring my doorbell in the middle of the night? Wake me up from dreaming that dream?
Well, more like reliving the memory of Tanya's and mine last night together. She had been an epiphany; I hadn't been able to keep my eyes off of her the entire evening and then, not even twenty four hours later she was gone. And I became a widower at fucking twenty-eight. Because some stupid pilot somehow missed the sky over Colorado.
Talk about 'happily ever after' and 'till death do us part'.
But sometimes I think she wore that dress on purpose, because some cellular consciousness told her it would be her last day on earth, and that way she ensured not to fade too quickly into the pale colors of my memory.
Tiredly I open the door only to find Tanya's son, Seth, there and – if I remember correctly, and I wouldn't put my shirt on that one, not in my current state anyways – one of his classmates' father, a big, bulky guy – you'd have to be to hold up Seth, who at sixteen is already six feet tall, broad and muscular – named Roger, I met briefly at some school thing two years ago.
"You Edward Cullen?" he asks, tensely.
"Yeah," I nod, rubbing my eyes in attempt to shake off this underwater feeling, before turning to Seth. "Seriously, again?"
It is Roger who answers with narrowed eyes, "So this happens often? That one of his friends' fathers drops him off at your doorstep, stoned, after all but trashing his house?"
Well… yes. Though last time it was a cop.
"No," I say with a shake of my head, not sure how enough common sense seems to be left even after my rendezvous with Jack, to not answer this question truthfully.
"I just meant… the turning up unannounced."
Roger huffs and pushes Seth forward quite roughly who stumbles in and – after glaring at me like this is all my fault – just heads to the stairs.
"I tried to call so you could pick him up, but no-one answered," he says and I don't have to look at his face to know I'd find disapproval and pity there.
Yeah. Let the battery die about eleven months ago and never put the cordless back into the charger. But I'd never pick it up anyways.
"Sorry. Must have let it die."
He sighs. "Just promise me this won't happen again. I don't want my son in contact with all this shit."
I refrain from asking him why he is so convinced that Seth brought the drugs, it could have been his son after all, and just nod and tell him the exact same thing I told the cop. "It won't happen again, I'll make sure of that."
He looks unconvinced, who would hold that against him?, but nods and with one last glance turns around and leaves.
Sighing I close the door before walking upstairs to Seth's old room where I find him cuddled up in his old bed.
"Seth?" I ask, knowing he can hear me even if he doesn't acknowledge it in any way. "You can't keep doing that."
"What? Come here? Fuck you Edward. This was my house. I grew up here," he snaps, adding more quietly, "opposed to some other people here."
I close my eyes for a moment. "I meant the joints and the fights."
"You really think you're in any position to lecture me about the evils of drugs, Captain Jack?"
I say nothing. And it is not because I am slightly stunned that he can still form those kinds of sentences, which I am by the way.
"Didn't think so." I hear a shuddering intake of breath. "Just… close the door on your way out."
And that is exactly what I do. I leave him alone again, in no way capable of consoling an angry and hurt teenager. Hell, I feel like one myself. Have for over a year now, since I cried like a baby in the embrace of my twin sister.
Okay, so I feel like a very weak and unmanly teenager. Sue me.
Quietly I make my way to my bedroom down the hall immediately falling asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow. The pillow that unfortunately doesn't smell like Tanya anymore. Hasn't for a long time.
+#+#+#+#+
I feel like I have just been asleep for like ten minutes when I am crudely woken by a body landing on top of me.
"What the fuck?" I say irritated as I open my eyes only to sigh when I see the reason for being awake at this ungodly hour. My hyperactive twin sister Alice, two minutes older than me and walking proof that our DNA is much better executed in the female form, who has been turning up unannounced and at the most impossible times at my house since I supposedly ODed.
"Rise and shine, Edward!" Her chirpy voice rings through my bedroom as she actually bounces on the mattress and I want nothing more than to hide under my pillow. "The sun's shining, the birds are chirping; it's the perfect day to get back out there."
"No Alice, go away," I say laying back down and reaching out for the sheets but she's quicker.
"Tztztz, Edward. Remember our deal? No no's anymore. You agreed to say yes to whatever I suggest."
Oh. Yeah. That fatal deal that got me a black eye and a split lip that could scare small children away when she told me it would be okay to sleep with the horny housewife – or meatloaf babe how she liked to call Jessica Stanley-Newton from down the street.
Okay, I admit it was kind of comprehensible, considering that it was her who had tried to initiate something for months but Alice could have stopped me from walking into being sucker punched by her husband Mike Newton instead of encouraging all of this.
But I'll admit back then she did have a point. That since I live in the suburbs married women are about the only ones I'll fine here.
"How did you even get in?" I try to change the topic, sitting up.
"Seth just left when I came and let me in," she explains with a shrug of her small shoulders.
"This early?" I frown.
"It's after ten, Edward. Some other people already lived a day. I mean, I already took care of an entire shipping this morning."
Ah. Alice and her fancy boutique. Maybe I could stir her away from me to her favorite of all topics. It was not the perfect alternative but definitely a step up.
"Yeah? How's that store of yours going?"
"Fine. And now that we've settled this," Or maybe not… "let's move to more urgent matters. Your plans for tonight. That I will tell you as soon as you put your soldier back into the fort."
"What?" I ask looking at her incomprehensible for a moment. "Oh. You're the one who pulled off the blanket," I say, straightening my boxers.
"Good point," she says, throwing it back to me before clapping her hands together and smiling at me excitedly. "You, my brother, are going on a date tonight."
"A date."
"A date," she nods.
"You do remember what happened the last time I said yes to one of your… intimacy tips?"
"It got you laid. Imagine what would happen if you said yes more often."
Of course she would only look at the better side of that incident.
"And who is that oh-so-great date you found for me?" I ask my voice practically dripping with sarcasm which she ignores. Naturally.
"Lauren Malory. She's an aerobic instructor, build like a centerfold, and independently wealthy from her divorce settlement."
"I can just feel the deep connection we're going to have," I say with a roll of my eyes.
"Oh come on, Edward. It's just a date. No strings attached. Worst case, you drop her off after a quick dinner. Best case, you get laid by someone who isn't married which I think you will agree is a step in the right direction, don't you think?"
She kind of has a point there… And of course she can read it in my face that I just gave in.
"Marvellous!" she all but squeals suddenly conjuring a bottle of water from God knows where. "To Lauren Malory. May she be of open mind, heart, and legs, and partial to sad, skinny men."
I just roll my eyes at her toast as she takes a sip, only to spit it out a second later.
"Oh my God, what is this? Stale does not even begin to cover this anymore," she grimaced.
"Well, where did you get it?"
"From next to your bed. How long has it been standing there?"
I shrug, too much of a coward to tell her that there is a possibility that it has been standing there since Tanya's death.
"Oh my- I have to rinse out my mouth," she says jumping up from my bed and rushing out of the room.
+#+#+#+#+
To say the date was a disaster would be an understatement. And that Lauren rambled like a waterfall, also. She seriously went from blind dates and online dating over hookers and the fact that I haven't really gone out since my wife died – which she swore she would not mention unless I did – and talking about exes in general, the fact that she has her body from her mother except that she has boobs – yeah, didn't want to know that her mother was flat chested either – to God and my belief or lack thereof to a very forward and obnoxious attempt to get me to come in when I dropped her off, together with her assurance that she is extraordinarily good in bed.
Yes, I can safely say that we talked about everything you shouldn't talk about on your first date with someone and that it was the worst date I ever went on. I swear if I didn't know that there could be good dates, that would have been my last date ever.
So this is why I am right now entering the movie theater in the middle of the day to see some horror movie and escape the world. Not Lauren so much as my sister though. Grown up with her literally since day one, I know her. And therefore I know she will turn up at my house again, wanting details. And I'm not ready for that. I'd like to keep the fact that Lauren practically told me she'd masturbate to my picture in her head to myself a little longer. Really fucked up thing when you can't keep anything from a person.
I walk down the aisle but stop, a smile appearing on my lips, when I see a familiar figure sitting in the seat next to my usual spot.
"Bella Swan," I greet as I sit down next to her.
"Edward Cullen," she replies with a smile which puts that horrendous date or my sister to the back of my mind. "What happened that you suddenly feel the need for some cruel blood shedding?"
I look at her cocking an eyebrow questioningly, getting one of her musical laughs in return.
"It's not your usual movie day. In fact it's Saturday, the most normal day to go to the movies. If you don't include the time of course."
Right. My usual movie time. Wednesday at noon. Where I had met her just the day after I had been asked to her office my suspicions from the day before proven right. She was not your ordinary guidance counselor.
And so it happened that – after she admitted she liked to ditch as well (maybe not 'as well' so much in the end since I didn't have much to ditch anyways except my couch and TV) once in a while – we met almost every Wednesday at noon for a horror movie.
"I'm avoiding my family," I explain with a small shrug.
"Ah," she nods slightly. "Special reason?"
"My twin sat me up on a blind date that I really don't want to talk about with her. And if I manage to avoid her until this evening I can put off that talk until at least tomorrow because there's no way she could talk about that with me a our baby sister's engagement party."
"I guess you're right," she chuckles a little, but quickly becomes serious again. "That bad?"
I nod. "That bad."
"I'm sorry." She sounds sincere.
"It's okay."
And for the first time for what feels like ages these words are actually meant.
I mean, I've heard them so many times before, constantly after Tanya's death and while the 'I'm sorry' sure was always genuine, my reply – if I replied – was never more than just an automatic reaction. Because this is what we've been taught from the start. The minute some other child knocks over your crayons and apologizes you're taught to say 'I'm sorry' and this goes on even to such things like loss, when it's really not okay. Everything but okay in fact.
But now it is okay because as much as I hate to admit it, Alice has been right. It was like I am a newborn again, a virgin at everything. And the first times would be awkward so it would be better to just get it over with so I would be free when someone worthy came along. And considering how my alternative night looked like I really didn't miss anything even when the date turned out to be bad.
I'm pulled out of my thoughts when I see Bella fumbling with the popcorn bowl in her lap, looking like she wants to say something but can't.
With furrowed brows I ask, "What's wrong?"
She sighs but when she finally looks up the expression on her face is so torn that I wish I hadn't asked.
"It's just… something with Seth. I really want to tell you but I'm… I don't want to betray him you know? I mean what he tells me in my office he tells me in confidence."
"You should do what you think is best, I guess," I say. Couldn't even a priest go to the police when someone confessed a murder? Or maybe not. Never cared much about that. Plus, it's not that I would need that information since I don't plan on murdering someone and then go to confession.
"Then… I should tell you," she says and does as she said.
Afterwards I feel like an even bigger bastard than before, but I have – thankfully – no time to reply anything because the lights go out and the curtain to the screen lifts, leaving us to two hours filled with bloodshed and zombie-killings.
Exactly one hundred and twenty minutes later Bella and I leave the theater still laughing a little over the ridiculousness of the movie, the talk about Seth banned to the back of my mind.
Of course horror movies with undead zombies were never real or anything but 8 feet high fountains of blood when a limp gets ripped off? That's physically just plain impossible (I know; my father's a doctor) which destroys the illusion and just makes you laugh out loud.
"So, what do you think? Better or worse than the last one?" I ask, laughter still audible in my voice.
"Better. Definitely. I mean, sure, it was totally fake but so funny. It's like a parody on the good ones," she chuckles.
I nod. "I agree completely."
She grabs the empty popcorn paper bag out of my hand to throw it away with hers before returning. "So…"
And I don't know where it comes from but all of a sudden I find myself asking, "Would you like to accompany me to the engagement party tonight?"
Looking at Bella's expression I surprised her with this just as much as I surprised myself.
"Your sister's engagement party?" she asks and every good feeling rushes out of me.
"Well… yes… but I understand if you won't. If you can't. I mean, it's Saturday and it is very short notice so-"
She cut me off. "Are you sure?"
I run a hand through my hair, making it look even messier than before. "Before you answered my question with a counter question I was," I say with a movement somewhere between a shrug and a nod, making her chuckle.
"Do you really want me to go with you?" she asks instead now.
I think this over for a second before nodding and actually looking into her eyes as I reply, "Yes, yes I do."
"Then yes, I will go with you," she smiles and I can do nothing but smile back.
+#+#+#+#+
Four hours, a phone talk with each Alice, my mother, my father, Alice's husband and our babysister Rosalie to make sure that I would really attend the party, and a very female tantrum in front of my closet and mirror I park my car in front of Bella's house, surprised to see a police cruiser there.
How did I forget that Bella moved in with her father again after college? Her father that is Chief of Police?
Yeah. Right. I never thought I'd pick her up at home for a date anyways.
I get out of my car and walk up to the door, running a hand through my hair, probably making it look even worse than before, before ringing the doorbell.
A moment later a man in his late forties with dark hair, eyes and a mustache opens the door, grumbling something that sounds faintly like my name.
"Yes," I nod, "I'm Edward Cullen. Pleasure to meet you Chief Swan. Is Bella ready?"
"She'll be right down. Come on in."
I nod once more and follow him inside, suddenly feeling like a teenager again. But I guess every guy feels this uneasy when his date's father is a cop.
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asks as we sit down at the kitchen table and I try not to look too shocked by that question.
"I'm…" A professional booze-tester. "I'm a composer." Who hasn't touched his piano in a year.
"A composer."
I can practically taste his disapproval.
"Yes. For movies mostly."
"Like in Jaws."
"Exactly," I nod. Jaws is probably the best example for how important music really was in a movie or a TV show. Put that theme to another scene and it turns into one of the scariest ever even if it shows something happy.
We sit in silence for a Moment and before anyone of us can speak up again, I hear a floorboard creak and Bella enters the kitchen.
"You ready?" she asks too nonchalantly for her stunning appearance with the soft make-up, her hair in soft curls that fall on her shoulders and her dark blue, knee length dress that complements her skin tone in the most amazing way. She apparently has no idea how beautiful she is.
And abruptly I find myself cruelly reminded of Tanya, on her last night on this earth, in her blood red dress and straight, blond hair, the exact opposite of Bella, but who still made me feel the exact same way.
Standing up I am unable to meet her eyes for longer than a second. "You look great."
"You cleaned up pretty nicely too," she replies with a smile and if she noticed something about my reaction she didn't show it.
"Dad we'll go now. I left some lasagna in the fridge. You just have to warm it up."
"Bells, I've lived on my own for years and haven't starved. I think I will be fine." I think I saw him blush before Bella grabs my hand and starts to pull me out of the kitchen.
"I'm just saying," she says, her smile audible in her voice.
"It was pleasure to meet you, Sir," I say and I faintly hear him say "You too, Edwin" before being pushed out of the house.
"I'm sorry, but my dad can be a little overprotective sometimes. He can't get out of his cop-mode that easily," she apologizes but I shake my head.
"It's alright. You're his only daughter; it's a completely understandable reaction."
+#+#+#+#+
The drive to my parents' country club where the party would take place was quiet mostly, only the soft sounds of Debussy filling the car.
I glanced over at her every once in a while, but other than that kept my eyes on the road, my thoughts on the other hand occupied with wondering if this really was a classic date or just two friends going to a social function together.
When we arrive however I push those thoughts to the back of my mind, planning on worrying about that later, and get out of the car, handing the valet parking guy my keys before walking around the car to open the door for Bella.
"Wow. You never told me your family is rich," she breathes, clearly impressed by the sight in front of her. I just shrug, not sure what to say to that, as I lead her inside.
My mother and my sisters of course have outdone themselves again with the decoration. Everything looks fantastic, held in light colors and although everything has probably cost more than an average month's wage it is not too fancy, just… classy.
"Edward! There you are!" I hear my mother's voice just as I want to suggest Bella to grab a drink and turning my head, see her coming towards us.
"You look good," she says pulling me into a hug and I know she actually just wants to say that I look better than before.
"Thanks," I mumble but she has already turned to Bella.
"And who is this lovely lady?"
I already feel cold sweat breaking out but Bella is faster with her answer so I don't even have the chance to risk my neck with careless talk.
"Bella Swan, nice to meet you. I'm Seth's guidance counselor and when Edward told me about this party and that he was in desperate need for date I jumped right in. It's what friends do, right?" she says with a brilliant smile, surprising both me and my mother.
"It certainly is," she nodded, shaking Bella's hand, "I'm Esme."
I don't think my mother offered Tanya to call her by her name right from the start. At least not voluntarily.
"Edward," I then hear Rosalie who out of the blue is standing next to Mom in her blonde perfection, dressed for the party in one of these black dresses that look like they belonged to a Greek Goddess – well, the cut looks like it, not the color or the length, and her hair is pinned up off her face like usual. She is severely beautiful, but I wish she would wear her hair down sometimes and look a little less tucked in, a little less like someone who has forgotten to exhale.
"I see you brought someone."
"Rosie," I nod, using our nickname for her that she has always hated, but then go on because there is this tone in her voice that makes me want to justify myself. "You told me to. In fact you bugged me about it for weeks and I think you even threatened me if I didn't show up with someone."
"But you said no, in every language you know and in every rating."
"I have no idea why this is such a big deal."
"This is such a big deal because no-one calculated your date in."
I hate the way she talks about Bella like she isn't even there, so I put my arm around her waist and pull her closer. What for I am not exactly sure. To make her feel included?
"And in what exactly?"
"The food? The drinks?"
An unbelieving laugh escapes my lips as my mother tries to calm the situation. "Rosalie, I'm sure there's enough for a few more guests."
"I don't care! It's a matter of principle! I asked him to bring someone, which he refused, because everything in the last year had to be about him, and when I finally deal with the fact that there has to be one table with an uneven number of chairs, he turns up with someone after all!" it bursts out of her but before I can reply anything she adds kind of bitterly and for the first time talking to Bella, "You can have my chicken. That way I can spare some calories to fit into my dress", before turning around and walking away.
"I-I'm really sorry about that," Mom apologizes to Bella with a tight smile, "She is just… really stressed right now." And with a last smile she rushes after my sister.
Bella and I just stand in the entrée in silence for a moment.
"So… that's your sister."
"Yes. That's Rosalie, the younger one, the bride." The selfish bitch.
"She's… intense."
I can't help chuckling a little.
"What? She is," Bella says and I can see the smile tugging on her lips.
"I never said she isn't," I reply, amusement still audible.
"You have another sister, right?" she then asks and I nod.
"Yes, my twin sister Alice, she has to be-" I start but am cut off when a petite figure collides with me, all but knocking the air out of me.
"Right here," I finish, dryly, returning Alice's death grip of a hug hesitantly.
"Oh, Edward," she squealed, much to close to my ear for using that volume, "I'm so glad you came."
I want to reply something but as usual, my sister is much faster and has already moved on to Bella.
"And you must be Bella! I've already heard so much about you!"
Bella seems to be about as surprised as me, as she slowly returns the hug.
"Me too. It's nice to finally meet you," she says equally slowly, giving me a questioning glance over Alice shoulder but I can do nothing but shrug.
I sure as hell didn't tell Alice about Bella. At least not more than that she is Seth's guidance counselor. So Seth and Alice had to be talking.
My sister, being her energetic self, pulls the both of us into the main room, everything looking like it's been pulled right out of one of these living ambience magazines.
Next thing I know I have a drink in my hand and am forced to do my rounds, which basically means being pitied by persons I don't even know, don't want to know or would rather not know, avoiding more gazes than I'd like to count.
+#+#+#+#+
Some time later we all sit together at the family table, enjoying our meals – just for the record, there was enough chicken for both Rosalie and Bella – when suddenly I'm elbowed in the ribs by both Alice and Bella.
Apparently I have been so lost in my thoughts that I overheard Emmett, Rosalie's fiancé and former friend of mine, talking to me.
"What were you saying again?" I ask.
"I was asking you if you wanted to be a groomsman."
I don't mean to laugh at him, it just happens. "Excuse me? You can't be serious."
"Come on, Edward, we were good friends, let's just forget everything and move on."
Forget and move on. Apparently that's all my life has been about lately.
"So, what do you say?" he smiles, dimples appearing on his cheeks, holding out his hand for me to shake.
"I say no," I reply, ignoring his hand.
Emmett doesn't even have the chance to reply something himself, Rosalie already snapping at me. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Oh, now something's wrong with me just because I don't want to celebrate your wedding, the great new chapter in your life? Did you forget you're building it on my misery?"
I feel Bella's hand on my knee, silently asking me to calm down and lower my voice because the other guests are already staring but I don't care.
"Right, of course, your misery again. Everything has to be about you doesn't it? Even when we were kids it was always Alice and you. Alice and you with your secret twin club and now it's all about you and your loss. I'm sure it must be hard on you, I'm not denying that, but why can't you be happy for me for once?"
"You want me to be happy for you when you didn't have it in you to be sad for me for one fucking day? You couldn't even keep your legs closed!"
"Edward!" I hear my father and Alice hiss, and my mother and Emmett's mother gasp, but I ignore them and just throw my napkin on the table with a shake of my head before getting up and leaving the room.
+#+#+#+#+
I have just sat down on the banister outside and taken the first drag of the cigarette I bummed off one of the valet parking guys when I hear the clicking of heels behind me.
At first I think it's my mother or Alice but then her scent reaches me.
"So… interesting dinner."
I crack a smirk at her pathetic attempt to start a conversation, but reply nothing.
"Rosalie thinks you hate her," she goes on more quietly as she pulls herself up on the banister beside me. For a moment my eyes are fixed on her legs and the newly exposed skin before the painful words finally sink in, reaching me and my conscience.
"Hate is such a strong word," I say not wanting her to notice just how much those words hurt but she probably knows it anyways.
"Seriously, Edward, what happened between the two of you?"
I sigh and take a few drags of the cigarette before I answer. "Seth and I were sitting Shiva. I actually didn't know anything about it, I mean it was Tanya who was Jewish and she didn't really… live it, but Alice thought it would be good for Seth. Everyone came, including Rosalie and Emmett but… let's just say they came to my house of mourning that day in a complete different way as well."
"So you mean…" Out of the corner of my eye I can she her blush.
I nod, taking another drag and blowing the smoke out while I speak. "I walked in on them fucking in my bathroom. And now everything they will have is built on my loss so forgive me if I'm not overly happy for them."
"I didn't say anything," she says with a shake of her head, "I get it. I would be mad too. I was just… surprised. That a sister would do this to her brother."
I just shrug.
"But don't you think you're being a bit hard?"
I turn to look at her with a cocked eyebrow and I don't have to say anything more.
"Right, sorry. Problems with causality."
I run a hand through my hair and sigh. "It's not that. I mean, yes, I have those too but this thing between Rosalie and Emmett… it's not that I don't want to see them together or something like that. Maybe it was… fate, if you believe in that, but going at it like bunnies in my bathroom? Couldn't they just… swap numbers or something?"
Bella nods and we just sit in silence even after the rest of the cigarette is long lying cold on the ground and I only realize how cold it has gotten when she shivers beside me.
Silently I hop of the banister and remove my jacket just to put it over her shoulders. "Wanna head home?" I ask.
She nods and I help her off the stony railing, immediately leading her to the parking lot.
"Don't you want to say goodbye?"
"I think they'll be clever enough to figure out I went back home," I answer, "They probably thought I left right away anyways."
She nods and although I can see she wants to say more she never does. Not even in the car on our way to her place, though, if I have to decide, it is a rather comfortable silence.
Before too long I spot the cruiser and park my car behind it again.
"So…" both Bella and I start simultaneously and then chuckle for a moment.
"You go first," I say.
She nods, a smile on her face. "This was nice."
"Are you serious?" I can't help asking, rather incredulous, which makes her beautiful laughter ring through the car once more.
"Yes, Edward. It was nice, spending time with you and meeting your family too," she says and I want to snort derisively but she already goes on, adding with a smirk, "Plus, the evening even had its very own special entertainment."
I chuckle. "You're one of a kind, you know that, Bella?"
"You too, Edward. You too."
We just look at each other for a minute and when I realize this might actually be a moment, one of these doorstep kinds of moments, I have already turned my head and moved to get out. I think I hear Bella sigh faintly, but I can't be sure.
Closing my door I walk around the car to help her out of the Volvo, but she already got out herself.
Silently we walk up the path to the house and suddenly I feel like a teenager on his first date again. Am I supposed to kiss her? Even after that spoiled moment in the car? Or just peck her on the cheek? If she fumbles with her keys it's a sign she wants me to kiss her, right?
I am so lost in my thoughts that it takes me a moment to realize that Bella's staring at me.
"Huh?"
She chuckles. "I just wanted to let you know that the school has a pedagogic day on Tuesday and I'm going to the movies around noon. For the new weekly 80's Horror Retrospective. You know, in case you were too."
"I'll see what I can do," I smile and by the look on her face she knows that, said by me, that sentence basically means 'I'll see you then'. After all it's not like I have something else to do.
She turns around to open the door and I want to leave already but she turns back to me again.
"Remember what I said about Seth today?"
I nod.
"You thought about it?"
I shake my head no. "Not yet."
"You should. He really wants it. And I think it would be good for him, for the both of you," she smiles and I can do nothing but stare at her for a moment, overwhelmed by a feeling I have only felt once before. With Tanya. How did I deserve to have a woman like this in my life? Two women now?
"You know, he visits his mother's grave every Sunday. Maybe you should go and talk to him." She smiles, pressing a gentle kiss on my cheek and before I have recovered from the shock she has disappeared into the house, leaving me alone under the yellow porch light with a lot to think about.
+#+#+#+#+
I have never been particular religious. Yes, there was a time when I believed in God, it is hard not to when your parents do and get out a children's bible on every religious holiday, but they never forced us to go to church or anything. In fact they didn't go often themselves, Dad being busy saving lives at the hospital and Mom with her interior designs and raising three kids.
But even this little faith I had in something higher went to hell when Tanya died. Everything I might have thought of as faith, that brought Tanya and me together – me actually going to work instead of working from home that day which led to meeting Tanya, or that she had been in that state, crying in my office because her thirty sixth birthday didn't turn out to be what she had hoped, or that her dick of a husband had cheated on her in the first place and they got divorced – turned into nothing more than a load of accidents.
And even before her death I didn't know much about the Jewish religion and tradition – Tanya wasn't really living it out or anything – so the only time I have been at the Jewish graveyard was at her funeral.
I couldn't bring myself to go again after that. Well, until now.
From the entrance I can see Seth's figure sitting in front of Tanya's grave and I have to swallow a couple of times against the lump forming in my throat.
Quietly I approach him but somehow he notices me even though I'm still a couple yards away.
"How did you know I'd be here?"
"Bella."
I can see his jaw clench.
"She also told me your dad wants to move out of the state," I say sitting down next to him.
"Yup. Wants to start some new business." His voice sounds bitter. Much too bitter even for a kid that lost his mother.
"What business?"
"Don't know. Stopped listening after the word 'move'," he shrugs.
We sit a while in silence just staring into space. At least in my case. Seth's eyes are still fixed on Tanya's gravestone with all the small rocks scattered around.
I have never understood that tradition.
"So… you and Miss Swan, mhm?"
Now it is my turn to shrug and silence envelops us once again.
"Do you talk about me a lot?" he asks, his voice insecure all of a sudden.
"No," I say with a shake of my head, looking over at him for the first time, "It was the first time we did. And she was not even sure she should say anything. You know, respecting your privacy and everything."
He nods and then asks, "So what did she say?"
"Well… she obviously told me you come here every Sunday."
"Obviously."
"And the thing about moving."
"Of course."
"And…" I hesitate a little before going on, "that you would rather live with me." His jaw clenches again. "And that she thinks it would be good. For both of us."
His head whips around to me, surprised. "Really? That's what she said?"
I nod.
"Wow…"
"Is it true?" I ask after a moment and he shrugs.
"You see, man, dad doesn't want me there."
"I'm sure that's not tr-," I cut in but he cuts me off.
"I'm not saying he doesn't love me or all that shit but he's got this new family. I mean he even has a new kid. I'm… intruding."
"But he's your family."
"Maybe. Biologically. But for the last few years you and Mom have been my family."
The tears I had tried too hard to will to stay where they are, are coming to my eyes so fast I have to look away for a moment.
"I don't think I could take care of someone else, Seth. You've seen me. I can barely take care of my own life. I'm a self-absorbed asshole."
"Edward, seriously, I'm not some small child who would starve if you'd forget to 'take care of me'." He speaks those words mockingly. "Plus, we've been through the same. Who better is there to understand what the other feels?"
I crack a smile, the fact that he doesn't disagree with me not going by unnoticed. Not that I expected him to disagree. "That's exactly what Bella said, too."
Out of the corner of my eye I see him smile too.
"So?" he asks after a moment, making me look up curiously.
"So…?" I prompt.
"Will you talk to dad?"
I thought it over for a moment. What Bella and Seth said made sense. Who was there to understand the other's feelings better? Maybe we could help each other with getting back into a normal life. And Seth was having problems that sure wouldn't get better if he was pulled out of everything he once knew, his friends and his mother, even if she was just a rotting body underneath a gravestone in the Jewish cemetery.
It is what Seth has wanted from the beginning anyways, but what was I supposed to do? Petition for custody? After all he has a father to live with. I didn't think I was going to get custody anyways but if I think about it now, I can't remember anymore why I came to that conclusion.
Other than his father I hadn't abandoned my family. I had been in Seth's live for the last three years and tried to form a bond with him right from the start because I knew if I wanted Tanya, Seth was part of the package. And it worked. After a while, admittedly, but it did. Though maybe it was only due to the fact that I had the advantage to be the lesser of two assholes.
Before my thoughts can drift astray even more, I surprise both Seth and myself with answering, "Yes. I will talk to your father but I can't promise anything."
Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to make up for all the times I wanted to be there for him but couldn't because I was too busy wallowing in self-pity and misery.
"Thanks, man," he says, genuinely happy. "I know you can't but believe me, he won't say anything against it."
Silence falls over us again and once more it's Seth who breaks it.
"An asshole, mhm?" I can hear the amusement in his voice.
"Am I not?" I ask with a cocked eyebrow.
He chuckles. "Never said that."
"What would you say?"
"Honestly?"
"Honestly," I nod.
"You're a sad, pissed and lazy bastard that has serious problems with causality and appreciating and accepting help."
I can't help it, I just have to chuckle. "You really talk about me with Bella."
He just shrugs, a smirk on his face.
"Want me to say something to you, too?"
"Fair enough," he shrugs.
"You're acting the cliché stereotype of a teenager."
I try not to look too smug but by the incredulous look on his face I'm failing terribly.
"What?"
"Getting into fights and doing drugs to arrest attention? Cliché teenager actions."
He glowers at me and punches me in the shoulder but soon a smile appears on his face so I know he's not offended.
For the first time I then look at the gravestone, not able to stop my smile from disappearing and to hold back the sigh escaping my lips.
What would Tanya think if she saw us now? Like this? Punching and joking around with each other in front of her grave, after I had let her son down for the last twelve months?
Surely she'd regret marrying me.
"She'd understand, you know," Seth says, as if he was able to read my mind. "She wouldn't like it, but she knows you tried."
I turn to look at him, one eyebrow raised.
"You failed rigorously, yes, but you tried," he smirks and I have to chuckle again.
When Seth speaks up again, his voice is more serious than before.
"You know… she wouldn't be mad about this dating either. She wouldn't want you to turn into a male version of a spinster with a dozen cats."
"I hate cats," I say with a roll of my eyes. "My idea of a pet is a stone. Or a fish if it has to be breathing."
He chuckles. "I'm just saying." He pauses. "I think she'd approve of Miss Swan," he then says sounding thoughtful.
"Bella?" I ask. "Because she's a school shrink?"
"No," he says with a roll of his eyes. "Because she's nice and clever and beautiful. She'd be good for you."
And I think back to the engagement party, the way she looked in that dress, the dimples that appeared whenever she smiled, her musical laughter, the way she had effortlessly charmed her way into my family's heart. And mine, I realised.
I know I'm still in no way ready to start something new and real, but Seth was right. This, the way I lived these past thirteen months, was not what Tanya would have wanted for me. She would want me to move on, start a new life with someone, and in that case Bella, with her calm and understanding nature, would be the one to do that with.
Maybe being pulled out of this non-life of mine and moving on wouldn't be so bad after all.
Ende.
A/N #2: Feedback and helpful criticism is always appreciated.