Merlin's Affliction
I cannot properly express into words, but I will try, the pain that I feel even after all this time.
There are moments I want to scream out at the top of my lungs until my throat burns. I still cry at the memories. Sometimes I can't bear to remember. Other times I am drawn like a moth to a flame.
There were so many good times. But it is impossible to live in that happiness alone when I know how it all ended. Every time something bad happened I always thought 'it could never get worse than this,' but then it always did.
Even now, I am still here. I am still waiting for my best friend to return, and for some reason I am still alive.
The great dragon Kilgharrah may have thought he was giving me comfort when he told me that Arthur would return one day. In truth it did help in the moment. But ever since that day it has only caused me pain. Hoping and waiting, never able to let Arthur go, never able to move on with my life.
I even lost the only people left alive that I cared about because of that misguided hope. Instead of going back to Camelot, to Gaius and Gwen, or even home to my mother, instead I traveled, searching for information on how to bring Arthur back. I told myself that Gwen would be overjoyed when I succeeded, so it would all be worth it in the end.
In no time at all Gaius and my mother were gone and too much time had passed that I couldn't bear to face Gwen. That may have been one of the reasons I stayed away for so long in the first place. Perhaps I thought if I brought Arthur home to her then all would be forgiven. Instead, I ended up abandoning her. I might have been a comfort to her. Or she may have hated me until her last breath, especially since I never returned. Either way, I will never know.
It doesn't hurt because everyone I have ever loved is gone. Everyone dies in the end… well, except for me. It was how it happened in the most devastating ways.
Will died because of me. He was saving my life. That was the first person I cared about that I had to watch as the life slipped from him. Up until that moment that was the worst pain I had known. Little did I know what was in store.
Then there was Freya. I loved her so much I was going to abandon my destiny and leave Camelot for her. She was one of the only two women I have ever loved and they both ended up dying in my arms.
What I had to do to Morgana took such a great toll on my heart that I have never been the same since.
Lance was the only peer who knew my secret and I didn't even get to tell him goodbye. He committed suicide right in front of me. There was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless.
My father, I had only just gotten to know him when he was ripped away from me.
Then I took Arthur's from him.
I was fortunate not to have to watch Gwaine die. But I feel worse not having been by his side. It was my fault.
Every death was my fault! I could have prevented Mordred and Morgana from turning to evil. There are so many things I could have done differently.
Losing Arthur was the worst. Why didn't I call Kilgharrah sooner? I know the answer, of course. Because I thought everything was going to be OK, just like always. How many times past had Arthur almost died? Why should I have thought this time would be the one time that things would change?! That's what left me so unprepared when it actually happened.
You know something else? This might not matter much to anyone but me. We never celebrated it… I don't know if Arthur was even aware that I had one, but he died the day before my birthday. That was the worst birthday present I ever got. Now every single birthday, I remember how sad that one was. It just puts a damper on the whole occasion.
It might not be so bad if I had gone back to Camelot. I would have gotten the chance to grieve with Guinevere and Gaius, to say our goodbyes together. Gotten the chance to see the true Albion come to realization. I know that everything probably worked out because I received word once from Gaius that he had told Gwen I was a sorcerer and she was pleased about it. So I am guessing she accepted magic into the kingdom. I never went back to find out.
One can only hope. That was my destiny after all. To keep Arthur alive so he could bring magic back. I suppose having it happen through Gwen was just as good. I guess I had to protect Arthur so he could… marry her? Aside from feeling duped over that whole thing, the point is that I never got to see all the great things come to pass that I had devoted my life to bring about.
I also never got to spend enough time with Arthur after he knew me for who I truly was. We could have fought equally by each other's side. We could have had so much fun. He accepted me in our last day together. It wasn't enough!
Now I can only relive that one day if I want memories of times when he knew me completely. That day had such a heartbreaking end that it is always bittersweet when I remember. Would it have been too much to ask for one normal happy day together as equals? For one perfect memory that I could have to hold onto? I don't suppose it matters. It would probably be bittersweet as well since every happy memory I have with him is tainted that way now. Because I never got any closure.
I never found closure or happiness and I have lived longer than any man has the right to do. All I have to keep me company are my memories which have become a plague on my soul.
Hey guys, I made a music video that is somewhat of a companion to this story, devoted to Merlin's pain. If anyone is interested in watching it the title is "Merlin Broken Lifehouse" uploaded by "Merlin Emrys" (my user name).