Disclaimer: Bleach, its characters and its settings aren't mine

My name is Kurosaki Ichigo.

And I'm an idiot.

Oh you think you know something about idiots? You don't know jack about idiots - I know about idiots, because I'm their king!

These are my friends. Or rather they were my friends. I don't they're my friends any more.

This sawed-off hellhound here is Rukia. Nobody likes Rukia, least of all me. She's the little turd that got me into this mess.

On this side we have Chuckles the Clown, also known as Ishida Uryu. He wants to kill me in the most unpleasant way possible (he told me that), probably by shooting my shinigami ass full of arrows, but thanks to that nastly little bracelet they've locked on him he can't do that anymore. He's a Quincy, and I'm not taking any shit from him - I told the bastard to stay home, but he insisted - Honor of the Quincy and shit like that - Bloody Uryu!

This giant on my other side is Chad, who never speaks much and probably won't ever speak to me again. We were always a team but I'm thinking that's over now. I'm surprised Chad hasn't tried to break my neck for me.

I told him not to come too.

And finally this attractive and unhappy young lady here, the one who can't stop fidgeting. Orihime! Bloody Orihime! We should have tied her up and left her behind us! But nooooo, the Hime has to come! We could have distracted her with something shiny, but were we that smart? Of course not! And now Orihime is in this mess too!

But the worst - the worst of all! That Damn Rukia! I want to put my foot so far up her ass it will loosen her teeth! It's her fault! It's all her fault! Lousy rotten stupid Rukia!

Call me Kurosaki, call me Ichigo, call me whatever the hell you want. I don't care. My life went off the rails about two months ago when Rukia came into it. There were these monsters called Hollows - long story short she got hurt, transferred her powers to me and I started to fight them in her place. Fine, everything is cool up to there.

Then her bloody brother shows up and brings that pineapple ape with him. Nii-sama starts in on how she's disappointed him and broken the law and she'll be punished for it. Pineapple Ape meanwhile is leering at her and tells her there's a fate worse than death waiting for her. And here's the kicker – he says she knows what it is!

She bloody well knew! But still Rukia goes all pale and starts in on 'no! Anything but that!' and Nii-sama meanwhile is rubbing it in that her punishment will be so horrible and he's laughing away and the ape starts laughing and I'm thinking they're a couple of sadists as they tell Rukia that her punishment is all arranged and that twenty five days from now - Rukia's screaming and wailing and they're laughing and we fought and nii-sama beats me into dogmeat-

So they left with bloody Rukia (I hate you Rukia). A couple of minutes later, me bleeding in the street, along comes this bucket hat bastard who tells me they've gone back to the Soul Society. And I'm like 'Oh no! They said they had a fate worse than death for her', and he's like, ominous news, only you can save her - and I'm like, what do I have to do?

'Cuz I'm a wannabe hero, right?

So yours truly, high king of all idiots everywhere, decides (based on what the bastard bucket hat tells me) that the only way to SAVE RUKIA is to raid the Seireitei and take her back by force. That's what that son of a bitch told me! And by virtue of being the god of morons I believed him!

He taught me this Bankai thing - at least that will be useful-

Then these others insisted on coming – oh no, I'm not taking any credit for these idiots, I told them all to stay behind. If they hadn't aspired to the heights of my own idiocy they'd all be safe at home!

"Well?"

Chad shrugged. "Not much to tell. I was making good progress - a guy told me I could find her in that central tower-"

"Was this guy bald? It was a bald son of a bitch who set me up."

"Yeah he was, as a matter of fact. Then I ended up against this third seat guy from eighth company. I punched him out, but the next one was this wierdo in a hat - the one in the pink coat."

"Greasy." I knew exactly who he was talking about. Greasy was my nickname for the guy.

"Yeah. I figured out Greasy was bad news," said Chad, "so I tried to go around him. He started following me and shouting advice as I went. I got into some fights after that and he did a play-by-play for each of them. I told him to piss off three times but he wouldn't leave."

"What happened then?"

"This funny little woman in a white coat appears-"

Orihime spoke up. "Did she say her name was Captain Unohana?"

"No," answered Chad. "She said her name was Soi Fon. I figured she was bad tempered, and the greasy one behind me kept telling me to kiss her because she liked big guys. I figured she was bad news like the greasy one, and now there were two of them, so I tried to get away-"

"What happened then?"

"She jumped me from behind. She landed across my shoulders, wrapped her legs around one arm and her arms around my other. Then she she started to twist and pull and told me she was fully capable of tearing both my arms off. Greasy tells me to listen to her, he said being short and undersexed had made her foul tempered. So I had to wear her across my shoulders like a chain until they put me in a cell, with Greasy making fun of me the whole time."

"Didn't you try to get away?" That was Ishida the Asshole Uryu.

"Trust me," scowled Chad. "It was the cell or two dislocated shoulders."

"Orihime and I got separated-" said Uryu. "-when I went up against the one in the mask. He's a freak, he beat up a bunch of his own men just to distract us. There was this guy from eleventh; I told him to get Orihime away while I fought." The Quincy rubbed his jaw. "It didn't go as planned. I got wrapped up in this horrible cord thing he pulled out of his ear, then he had his daughter drag me along the ground. The cord was still attached to his ear but he makes her do all the pulling." He screwed up his face, all distasteful, "And it was slimy, it was made out of his brain or something. Disgusting. Meanwhile she's asking me about Quincy sexual habits and her old man is right there – it was just disturbing. I couldn't get my arms free. Then they clapped this thing on me." Uryu held up the cursed bracelet. "And here I am. I can't summon my spirit bow with this on."

"Well you were lucky," snapped Orihime. "That man you handed me over to ran into two ladies, one of whom was wearing a white coat! They asked if I was the Ryoka girl. She said her name was Captain Unohana and that my adventure was over and I had to come drink tea with them. So I did, and after tea she pulled down my panties and spanked me!"

WHAT?

Okay, I'll admit a certain warm vision flowed through my mind about then. Judging by the expression on Uryu and the fact I could see one of Chad's eyes bulging, I'm thinking I wasn't alone.

"She what?" I'd heard her the first time, I just wanted to hear it a second time.

"She spanked me really hard! I said she couldn't do that, and her Vice Captain told me I'd get used to it! I don't wanna get used to it!"

The rest of us were staring.

"The captains are indulged," said Rukia. "They can get away with a lot. Like beating up their subordinates, or hitting on them, or-"

"I know what else they get away with!" Shouted Orihime. "She said she's going to watch me going forward! Isane-san told me I'd get used to that too! I don't want to get used to that!"

"We're not talking to you!" I shouted at Rukia. "This is all your fault!"

Trust Orihime to get caught by a deviant.

"My fault! How the hell is this my fault? I told you to stay away!"

"Your asshole brother and that asshole pineapple said they had a fate worse than death for you! What were we supposed to do? Just let that happen? You couldn't even tell us that-"

"Oh, so now everything is my fault? It's your fault you idiot! No one asked you to come here! How could you lead everyone into this? How could you get caught? You – you – you idiot!"

"There were two of them! I had to fight your brother and that monster with the spiked hair at the same time! Could you have beaten both of them?"

"I would never have been so stupid as to try!"

We glared at each other.

"All I know," said Orihime hotly, "is that pervert lady better not try to spank me again!"

"You're no match for Captain Unohana, Orihime," said Rukia. "If she decides to paddle your butt there won't be a lot you can do about it."

Orihime didn't like hearing that. I held up the bracelet they'd locked around my wrist. It was a different design that Uryu's, and it ate most of my spirit energy. There was no way I could handle Bankai with this thing on!

"How do we get these off?"

Chad held up a wrist, he had one too. Orihime hadn't been judged fierce enough to warrant one; maybe she could cut them off with her Hime powers or something. I'm thinking probably not though, because anything that could get her back over the knee of this Unohana woman just wasn't going to happen.

The bell rang.

"Shit," said Uryu.

"I guess we'd better go to class," grumbled Chad.

So the bunch of us stood up, and (giving each other dirty looks) the bunch of us trooped inside.

It was time for class.

But not at Karakura high, oh hell no. Not us. We're going to our new school.

The Shinigami bloody academy.