Critiques for How to Fend Off Freakies by Hermione Granger and George Weasley

"It was so funny, I'm upset that I didn't get to see their expressions while reading this. Would've made it hilarious." – Samantha Jennings, Second Year Ravenclaw

"I bet this will turn into a best-seller. Go on, I bet you." – Professor Horace Slughorn, Potions Professor

"Don't bet with Slughorn. You'll only get leprechaun gold and a taste for vengeance." – Roonil Wazlib

"EVIDEEEEEEEEENNCE!" – Harry Potter, Boy Who Lived

"This was seriously a good read for a laugh. Harry's been reading it over and over again for weeks, he's even been doing that little thought-margin thing! Although, I have reason to believe that he might've caught a bit of insanity from the book on the first round, because now he says that George and Hermione are practically a couple. I apologize beforehand." – Ginny Potter, Holyhead Harpies Chaser

"This is a great book for killing spiders." – Ron Weasley

"I've read worse." Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet reporter

How to Fend Off Freakies

by Hermione Granger and George Weasley

[Harry Potter is using this book as evidence of Hermione and George's relationship. Get your own bloody book if you want to document such enigmas.]

[Ginny Weasley Potter is wondering who poisoned/Imperiused her husband, and will kick whoever's butt did it (And yes, Ron, that means you. I know you've been trying to slip things into his drinks at dinner. Stop it or I'll hex your balls off.)]

Now, seriously, I don't condone this.

Have you any clue what 'condone' means?

Obviously not. You're the bloody genius.

Condone means to be willing to overlook something. For example – that time in my fifth year when you and your twin were –

Nah, nah, nah, they don't need to hear any of that rubbish. Oh dear, I think we're confusing the poor little kiddies. Let's introduce ourselves and our business, shall we?

Fine. I'm Hermione Jean Granger, Gryffindor Muggle-born, founder of S.P.E.W. friend of Harry Potter and basically the whole Weasley family (although I hear Percy doesn't like me all that much) and The-One-Who-Wishes-She-Was-The-One-To-Yell-"Notmydaughter,youbitch"-To-Bellatrix-But-She-Wasn't-So-She-Can't-Say-That-She-Did.

Err…wow Mione. Nifty nickname.

Oh stuff it, it's your bloody fault for having me write this book with you anyway. It's two o'clock in the morning!

No, actually, it's one fifty-nine – oh no, now it's two o'clock! Err…right then. I am George Gideon Weasley, co-owner of Weasley Wizard Wheezes, Gryffindor pure-blood troublemaker, twin of the late Fred Weasley (I'm fine now, I swear, Mum – I don't need another cheering potion!) and He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Called-'Innocent'-As-Long-As-He-Lives.

Merlin, I love our nicknames.

We should use them forever.

Agreed. Anyway – this book is written to show the relationship between those around us – like how I'm not 'in love' with Harry or Ron and that there's nothing even remotely going on with me and Ferret.

And I'm here to straighten the score that I'm not bloody depressed about my twin dying, (I mean, yeah, I still feel a bit moody now and again, but he wouldn't want me all 'oh woe is me, I need to die as well,' now would he?) that I'm not going after Fred's girl like that (HELLOOOO ANGELINA! *waves*) and that when left alone with the bookworm, I will create the brilliant idea of making a book of our own.

Honestly, I know I read much more than those in my immediate circle of friends, but come on, I don't understand why people expect me to read Hogwarts: A History half a billion times and not get bored with it.

*gasp* You can get bored with a book?

Oh shut up, George. Anyway, this book is just…rubbish, in my honest opinion.

Love you too, Mione. No, actually, this book is how to dispel rabid people who want to make up ludicrous stories about you (i.e. You having Lucius Malfoy's baby [Even worse if you're a bloke]), how to tell if your friend fancies you, and just random little tidbits some people seem to overlook very often.

Like how my middle name is 'Jean' and not 'Jane.' Umbridge's middle name was Jane! How dare you give me any tie to that woman!

And how people believe that Fred and I had 'hearts of gold.' Maybe they heard that Seamus Finnigan had 'pots of gold' and that somehow got transferred over to us. But no, Fred and I only care very deeply about those closest to us.

That would be a 'heart of gold,' Georgie.

Shut up, Herman. …I'm sorry, okay Hermione? Please stop it, I can feel the book burning in my hand as I write with the force of your glare. The book is whimpering in pain – its saying "Please, please make her stop, it burns, it buuuurrrrns!"

…Fine. But only for the book!

Also, I would like to point out to the little munchkins out there that Hermione and I are both writing in two different books, but they connect and matching up into both books so we can copy them and sell them to little bored/hopeless firsties like yourselves. And thus was the story of how you got your book.

I apologize for leaving you with him for this Introduction, but previously mentioned, it's two in the bloody morning, and he's been making me work with him in the shop all day. I'd rather have another round with Bellatrix than do this, but she's dead and I'm stuck here….

Err, right, remind me to keep you slightly sleep deprived before setting you to work on the book again. You're much more fun this way.

Joy. Now, I'll meet a nice man while I'm in such a state, and we'll hit it off, and then I'll have to basically kill my brain with insomnia so he'll remain interested in me. The children would wonder why mummy kept walking into walks and spinning.

Children, now, really? We don't even have a name for this hypothetical man, and there are already hypothetical children? Tsk, tsk, Hermione. McGonagall would frown upon this type of behavior from her favorite student.

The hypothetical man's name is …Fobnic, and there are three hypothetical children: Jenna (14), Isaac (12), and Molly (6) and then we have a hypothetical cat named Mister Tibbles, and there's also a hypothetical leak in my ceiling that I'll have to look into while it's quiet around the hypothetical house.

…You really are out of it, aren't you? And Fobnic? Why torture the poor hypothetical man, Hermione?

It's a mash of 'Fall Out Boy' (Fob) and 'Panic! At the Disco' (nic). I love those bands.

Err…right. Well, seeing as if I keep poor 'Mione up any longer she'll go completely barmy on us, this is the end of the Introduction! TADA!

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls, will you read this whole book and keep your lovers at bay?

With love from Hermione J. Granger and George G. Weasley, who would like to express their appreciation of your purchase of this book. If you did not purchase this book, Hermione wants you to return it immediately and face your punishment, while George would like to wonder 'why the bloody hell anybody would ever really want to steal [their] book anyway. It's just for a laugh, honestly.'

~ Professor Minerva McGonagall; Hogwarts, School of Wizardry and Witchcraft Headmistress