Ian Hecox had fully convinced himself he was crazy. There was no longer any denying it. He truly believed he was 100% insane.
It was the only explanation for what his mind had for years been trying to convince him and finally once and for all accepted; that he was in love with Anthony Padilla.
His best friend.
A man.
How did this happen? He asked himself this question every day since the reality of it all finally sank in, pacing and shoving stray thoughts to the back of his mind. It was almost too much for his brain to process!
But how did the poor, confused and frustrated man reach this point and how did he overcome this shocking realization?
Has he overcome it? So many questions nestled in the back of his mind about this peculiar subject.
It's probably best to start from the beginning. No, not his birth or his first day of school, not even the first day he met his future video partner who with their cheesy but iconic parody ideas and old video camera created a global internet empire that helped shape our perception of comedy today.
None of that silliness. I'm talking of course of the day young Ian Hecox first realized he was in love with Anthony Padilla.
Ian slammed the stall closed so hard he almost thought it would break off its hinges. Hair ruffled and messy, sweat beaded down to his chin as his failing lungs gasped for air. His fumbling hands dug into the pocket in his shorts, digging out the only thing that saved him from one of these horrid nightmarish episodes. His body quavered and he slunk down in the stall, thankful no one else was in the boys restroom this time to catch him in such a weak and pathetic state, even if locked within the protective boundaries of the pale ivory colored stalls. His wide blue eyes looked down only for a split second as they correctly positioned the rectangular shaped object in his hand before shoving the front end in his mouth.
A hiss echoed amongst the walls of the bathroom loudly due to being the only person inside making any noise. Ian let out a sigh of relief and shut his eyes. He didn't care that the toilet he was leaning his arm against was probably germ infested to no ends; all he had now was pure relief from his suffering and just utter contentment. He let the inhaler slip from his weakened grasp and allowed it to slide to the outer part of the stall. I'll get it in a sec he lazily thought, still trying to cope recovering from another damn asthma attack. He absolutely detested using his inhaler in front of his teammates. It made him feel weak and inferior. Really, it didn't matter if he always won the gold Ian Hecox had an image to maintain. He wasn't about to let some goddamn asthma get in the way of his dream.
Ian's oceanic eyes fell onto the plastic device just a foot away outside the stall and stared in silence, listening only to his breathing and rapid heart-rate. His eyelids fell once again as the quiet hum of fluorescent lights somehow began calming his nerves. Then out of nowhere and awakening his senses he heard it.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
His eyes shot open and caught a small glimpse of a pair of feet approaching from under the stall. Ian lay sprawled on the floor, his arm resting still on the front of the toilet seat and he watched as the feet walked up to the door where he was, a hairy slightly tan skinned arm reaching down and taking hold of the inhaler, bringing it up out of view.
"Ian?" The walls echoed suddenly loudly. "Dude..."
Ian saw the door shake and heard its shaker sigh when it didn't budge. Ian pressed his hands on the wall and toilet and hoisted himself up, turning the lock, slowly and wordlessly revealing himself to the figure ahead.
"You gotta stop doing this to yourself, man," the boy in his late teens pled. The taller teen wore a loose tan t-shirt and a pair of faded patchy jeans along with some beat-up black and white Converse. Ian noticed the long dark hair almost matting down on his face with sweat and a look of distress on his naturally pink flushed cheeks. His dark brown eyes held an even deeper sense of worry than his body language led on, brows upturned in relief he found his friend yet still holding a bit of anxiety at the state he was in. Ian carefully studied his face then turned to instead look at the object he held in his right hand; the object that was in his mouth mere seconds ago.
"I know, Anthony..." he grumbled running his sweaty hand through his thick hair. "I just don't want the other guys... well, you know," he answered meeting his eyes again. Anthony knew all too well, but still, Ian's decision had always frustrated him to no end. Ian held out his hand, prompting him to return his inhaler. Anthony almost obliged but quickly changed his mind and held it up with a stern look. "What if you'd lost this? What if you ran to the bathroom while having an attack and you couldn't find this?" Anthony raised his voice trying to get his point across. Ian balled his outstretched hand into a fist and brought it back to his side. "Then I'd just get you..." he muttered not meeting his eyes.
"But what if I'm not there?! I can't make it to all your track meets, dude! What then? You collapse in the bathroom and nobody knows where you are! Even if they find you, they don't know what's going on! Ian...!" he sighed, frustrated that be allowed his emotions to overcome him and take it out on his best friend. "Ian," he mumbled again, his voice a lower octave than it was a mere second ago. His eyes fell to the tiled floor then back up to the asthmatic runner's blue eyes. They both remained quiet for a minute as all that was said sunk into Ian's head. His ears were still ringing from the yelling a few moments ago.
Anthony finally handed him back his inhaler and leaned against the stall, tapping his index finger on the wall momentarily. "I just don't want anything to happen to you, okay?" He admitted at last in a low voice. Ian felt a hand go up and pat him hesitantly on the shoulder. "Fuck, man. You're my best friend. I-I wouldn't know what to do without-" Anthony trailed off mid-sentence, turning down to the floor again trying to hide his reddening face. His hand slid off Ian's shoulder and he brought it up against his chest.
Ian wasn't sure what else to do in this situation so he wrapped himself around Anthony, pulling him into an awkward embrace. They rarely touched except when rough housing or the occasional quick hug that lasted two seconds but Ian felt the need to hold on for longer. Within that fraction of a moment as he embraced his best friend however so many thoughts filled his head mixed with overpowering emotions he had never felt before from within himself. It almost alarmed him but he began to allow himself to cautiously explore these newfound emotions from within momentarily. He felt guilty for unknowingly putting Anthony through this and Anthony just went with his wishes because well, he was his friend and that's what friends do, right? Try to keep each other happy.
In truth however Ian had come to realize he wasn't happy. He had allowed himself to continue these hidden sessions in the bathroom out of fear of being ridiculed by his teammates letting only Anthony in the loop but at what cost? Anthony must have been worrying about him all this time, even more so when he couldn't make it to Ian's track meets. Ian finally saw what he had been doing to Anthony and felt horrible. Anthony was just looking out for him and making sure he was safe and Ian had let his pride get the better of him. It didn't even occur to him until now that if he didn't recover from an incident that he'd be royally screwed without Anthony's help or anyone's help for that matter but he was pinning it all on him and only him.
How did I not see this?!
Ian held onto him tighter, wrapping his arms around Anthony's back and breathing in his scent. Anthony had held himself in a constricted huddle but finally allowed his arms to move around Ian as well and the two teens held each other in a real embrace for the first time in their lives.
"Anthony, I'm sorry I put you through all my bullcrap," Ian mumbled into his shoulder. "I should've been more damn considerate." Ian felt not just the warmth of the taller boy held against his chest but a warmth inside that felt so fulfilling and so comforting. He never wanted to let go of this amazing feeling; never wanted it to end.
Anthony had released him and stood in front of him with the warmest most sincere smile on his chocolate eyed rosy cheeked face Ian had ever seen. It was familiar and homely. Ian felt a tumbling feeling inside him as Anthony smiled at him. A radiant heat building its way rapidly to his face and coursing throughout his body.
W-what is this...? He thought as the feeling began to alarm him, making itself known as it invaded his thin pale frame.
Anthony's smile slowly faded into a growing look of concern. "I-Ian? Are you okay? Are you having another attack?"
Ian's flushed face and rapid heart rate began to confuse and alarm him. It didn't feel anything like another attack. This was much different. "I, uh," he stuttered. Anthony loosened his arms allowing Ian some breathing space but he didn't at all expect what was about to happen next.
"I... havetogo!" Ian quickly pulled out completely from Anthony's space and sprinted outside the bathroom as fast as he possibly could, (which was pretty fast for a gold medalist such as himself) not looking back at the befuddled Anthony who raced out after him and stood in the grassy field, or his teammates who hadn't even noticed he was gone.
Ian hid on the side of the building against the wall gasping and taking one more puff from his inhaler just in case. His heart raced madly as though he had run around the entire school ten times without slowing down and his normally pale skin was hot and flushing a deep crimson red. He looked around and upon seeing there was no one nearby he leaned his back along the wall and slid downward to the ground resting his elbows on his knees as he ran a hand through his sweat dampened fringe. What the hell's wrong with me he asked himself an infinite number of times as he tried catching what little breath he could.
He ruled out another attack. This was much different from that.
He felt hot but didn't have a fever. At least he thought he didn't.
He had plenty of fluids before he even had that initial attack so he wasn't on the verge of dehydration plus he had lunch so he ruled out hunger too.
What else was left? He didn't know. He sat with his eyes shut momentarily, hoping to calm down from... whatever was happening to him.
"Iiiiian!"
He heard his name being called out in the distance by a very familiar voice and the symptoms returned once more with more force. That voice...
"Ian! Come on man! Where are you?"
Churning stomach. Dizziness. Flushed face. Light headedness. All of it so familiar and yet he couldn't-
Wait.
He remembered these feelings. Old buried feelings that he thought he'd never feel again.
Ellen Thompson on the swings in elementary school.
"Ian?" Mandy Peterson slipping him notes during class in middle school.
"Hey! Hecox!"
Penny Jenkins giving him his first kiss.
"Oh my god! There you are Ian! What the fuck, man? Are you okay?"
Ian looked up and saw him.
Anthony Padilla standing above him. His body cast a shadow over him on the wall as he stood in the light of the hot California sun creating a silhouette of a boy mere inches taller than he. A radiance surrounded his shadowed form as light streaks burst from all around him. Ian almost needed to shield his eyes from the intense vibrancy but he didn't move. He stared in sudden shock as the one single thought that he never ever in his entire sixteen years on this planet thought would ever dare cross his mind now presented itself right in front of own eyes and in that moment of clarity he knew.
It was the moment Ian Hecox knew he was in love.