All that Was
Ben Bruckner was happy with his life. He loved his partner, his son, his step-daughter, his group of friends, and his job. He was happy, yet he was depressed. His entire existence was limited by one stupid mistake seven years ago. That would plague him until his last dying breath, which he knew the stupid mistake would result in.
Truthfully, he wouldn't change his life, but knowing that having HIV would limit his time with his family, that it would destroy his family. There was no feeling that could amount to that pain. At twenty-six he thought he understood life. That nothing could go wrong. One broken condom later, and nothing would ever be the same.
He remembered the fight he had with Michael after Paul's death when his use of steroids began. He acted childishly, he knew it. No matter how bad he was feeling, Michael didn't deserve the anger that was spouted toward him. Then came the night when he walked into the apartment, his partner holding the needle that HE had entered into his body. He had no idea how bad he had hurt Michael until he said, " You want to be with a positive guy, maybe I should be that positive guy."
In that split second, he knew that there was something more important than him. He knew that no matter how much he hated being positive, if Michael got HIV, it would destroy him. So he moved forward, overcame his drug abuse, raised Hunter, watched Michael become the father of Jenny-Rebecca, married Michael in Toronto, and moved into a suburban home. Despite what Brian would say, and how hypocritical his comment sounds now, he was happy. He loved his life. But if he could eliminate one moment, it would be that night.
As he went to bed, his arms around Michael's shoulders, keeping an ear open for JR, he dreamed of what his life would like had he not contracted HIV.
-Insert Twilight Zone music-
With a start, Ben opened his, finding himself inside…..Paul's old apartment? The lights were off, only the city skyline coloring his view. 'What the hell?'
As his eyes adjusted he heard laughter coming from the door, he quickly hid behind the couch. He watched as his younger self kissed Paul, cringing as he recognized the events of the night as the ones that would lead to his first time having sex with Paul, which would eventually lead to him contracting the illness. This was the night that would change his life. He listened as the two began to grope one another eventually landing with a thump on the couch that he was behind.
As he listened to the scene, Ben remembered that Paul would get up shortly to get some wine. This would either be his moment to confront his younger self or make a run for it. Within minutes the moment occurred, leading Ben to bolt for the door. No such luck, as his younger self saw him.
"Who the hell are you?" his younger self proclaimed, failing to see his older selves face, "One of Paul's ex's who wants him back? He is mine, at least for tonight."
Ben found himself cringing at the arrogance of his younger self. He scattered his brain, looking for the right words to say to the person he had once been, finally settling for, "I am no one."
"Then why the hell are you here!"
He took a deep breath, refusing to face the man. Knowing that no answer would suffice, he marched out the door, only to feel a hand grasp his shoulder, turning him around.
"I said who the hell are you!" the immature man yelled only be silenced in one look.
Both men stared at the time warp. To the older man he was reminded of how lanky, much like his husband, he had once been. His features portraying a twink with spiked hair, and a glint of superiority that haunted his eyes. His clothes were tight, his face was blunt. It seemed scary to the older man, the person he had once been.
The younger man was quite opposite. He oddly felt an attraction for the sharp curves of muscle that defined the man's body. The younger man looked at his future self as someone who was quite fuckable. On the other hand, he was quite terrified of the man before him who shared his face. Once again he repeated the words, yet this time in a careful whisper, "Who are you?"
The older man shook his head, "Care for a walk?"
Dumbfounded the younger man merely nodded. The two exited the building, Paul far from their thoughts as they passed through the streets of Pittsburg. The walk was silent until they hit a small park, where the decided to sit on a bench. The words were repeated once more and finally Ben had the answer.
"My name is Benjamin Novtny-Bruckner."
The man looked at his doppelganger, "Novtny? Where the hell does that come from, a parallel universe?"
"More like six years into the future," Ben sighed.
"Six years and what? I become one of those people who try to act like breeders. Yeah, I can sure believe that. Ben Bruckner, satisfied with one fuck for life," the younger man spat, unable to comprehend who he became.
Ben stared at the stars, shaking his head and said, "God you remind me of Brian!"
"Whose he, the fuck for life?"
"More like the love of my life's best friend."
The younger man looked at his older self, "The love of my life! Do you even here yourself? Whatever happened to Carpe Diem with any delectable guy? Whatever happened to that guy?"
Ben shrugged, "I remember that guy. He had a lot of sex and very little love."
"So what?"
"I am happy, I 'carpe diem' with the most delectable guy in the world any time I want, knowing that he loves me just as much as I love him. You think it's stupid, while I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world."
"How the hell do I become you?"
Ben laughed, "You learn a hard life lesson, go for a while believing that you don't deserve love and then one day find yourself walking through a new comic book store," he took a deep breath, remembering the day he met Michael, "Then you saw him."
"Him, 'Love of my life'?"
"Michael. Dressed in a red t-shirt and jeans. Looking like a lost puppy. I didn't meet him first, his uncle told me that he owned the store and directed me too him to get some answers. God, he's not the smartest guy in the world but he knows those comic books like a priest knows the bible. I didn't fall in love with him then, we had our rough points. We both have been stupid. But I love him."
His younger self scoffed, "Enough to marry him?"
He shook his head, knowing that even if he never married Michael he would be happy to stand by him, "Enough to hate myself for hurting him so bad that he almost hurt himself. Enough to have a foster child with him and then help him raise his daughter. Enough to hold him when he cries and smile when he laughs. Enough to know that my life wouldn't be complete without him and what he brings. Friends that we celebrate everything with, whether it a wedding or an episode of Gay as Blazes. Family where Christmas is everyday in December leading up to the month, a mother-in-law that you can't help but love, and a punk that always surprises you."
"I have kids?" his younger self asked increduosly.
Ben rolled his eyes at the question, "Yes, JR and Hunter. Two great kids whom I love completely."
"Could I be any more of a breeder wannabe?"
"I am not a breeder-wannabe, I am a family man."
"Sure," he shook his head, "You disgust me."
As he began to walk off, ignoring the freak he would become and hoping to avoid it any cost when his future self's voice rang across the street, "Just because you have a Ph.D doesn't mean you have all of the answers."
"I'd rather not have all of the answers then turn into you."
"You are a prick, a down-right asshole and I do not mean those as compliments. No wonder no one loves you, you are unlovable at this stage in your life." Ben stopped, his heart closing as he realized the inevitable truth, the answer he had never sought out because he was too afraid of it to ask. "You won't be this person forever, thank god! You will never realize how much life can change you until it happens to you. You will lose the most important thing to you only realize that there is something more important than your quest for immortality and sex. I have always been afraid of it! Why did it happen? Could something gone differently? If I could would I had changed it? And here I stand, face to face with my past with every answer and knowing that I would never change it, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I will lose, no matter what I leave behind because at least I will something behind more important than lies and bad memories!"
His younger self stopped and stared at his older self, knowing that he couldn't understand the pain that was etched on the man's face, "What happened?"
Ben looked at the cement beneath his feet and whispered, "You won't see it coming. It will make you question everything. Not just the small stuff, but everything. You will hate yourself for not being careful, for losing what you thought was everything, you will fight to survive until you feel like there is nothing left to live for. You will die. The person you are right now will not exist. You will be reborn in the crisis that your life becomes. You will be broken and you will be better for it," he turned to look at his past, "You need to change to become everything that you can be. You fuck up Ben, you make a mistake that you didn't even know was possible to make because you didn't care to ask the right fucking questions! I am so fucking glad that I didn't because then I'd be stuck like you for the rest of my. I hate thinking that it defines who I am, yet if it turned you into me, a person with family and love then I am so glad that it happened!"
He caught his breath, all the realizations hitting him, bruising him as he healed. "Go back to Paul," he told his younger self, hurting as he knew what he was sentencing himself too."
The younger man shook his head, "You will never me what happened to you will you?"
"You will find out eventually. For now, you have nothing to lose by not knowing and I have everything to lose if I tell you."
"I don't know if I want to be you."
"You don't really get a choice. I really wish I wasn't you."
He started to say something when the older man stopped him, "Just go. You're not me yet, enjoy it while you still can."
The younger man turned around and vanished into the street lights, into the future and all that it would bring.
The older man stayed on the street, thinking about all that he had learned about his past, all that he had finally answered and how he felt. It was odd. All he could do was wonder, who would he had been had he not gotten HIV? Looking at his past self scared him. He was once heartless, cold, and cruel. How could one simple horrible mistake turn him from that to the man he was today? Somewhere in his mind the answer lingered, but his fatigue took over him once more and slowly he fell to the sidewalk, sleep taking over the his muscular form.
-Insert some music that implies someone coming to consciousness-
A body shifted on top of Ben, alerting him that morning had come. Slowly his eyes opened to see the loving smile of his husband. All he could do was smile at the beautiful creature in his arms. In all the pain that his illness had brought him, it had turned him into a man worthy of his husband's love. All of it was the result of a past mistake. His kids, his house, his marriage. One night that would take away his life would give him the ability to attain it before it was lost. He would die but he would before it happened. The past that had taken away so much. The thing that seemed to remove everything, had in fact given him something worth living for. It may hurt to die in long run, but for Ben Novtny-Bruckner, he knew that he would happily die because he had loved.
Hello Readers! So this was one of the stories that I have been working on for months. Thus it is done. I love it because I worked so long on it. Ben is my favorite character and I just wanted to reflect on what he might have been and how he once was. Hope you all enjoyed it!
Love,
Sami