WARNINGS THIS IS A PROMPT FROM DRAGON AGE KINK MEME. There is no sexing, but there is VERY foul language. If you are easily offended, don't read any farther.
Original prompt:
Ever since seeing Tim Minchin's parenting jokes, I've had a thought in my head that sarcastic Hawke (M or F) would be absolutely terrible at censoring themselves around any child they might have. They're good in all other aspects of parenting, of course, but when it comes to swears and the birds and the bees talk, the kid hears way too much. Some of the company Hawke keeps wouldn't help at all in this department.
Example:
Isabella to the toddler: "Don't put coins in your mouth, your mouth is for food! And a little later on, cock."
Hawke: "Maker, Isabella, you can't say that... She might like vag!" (Changed word from p word because I'm not a fan of it.)
Bonus for the other disapproving parent/any other characters trying to choke back laughter as they try to put a stop to this. Double bonus for the otherwise sweet, adorable child suddenly cussing when they drop something/fall over.
Anything goes pairings-wise, really, but I do admit I'd have a soft spot for Fenris/Mage!FHawke and their resulting spawn. No extremely bad parenting, please, just the swearing thing for comedy's sake.
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"ASSHOLE FUCKER!" The tiny voice rang out through the Hightown markets causing the whole area to fall into a shocked hush.
"What did you say?" Demanded Knight Commander Meredith.
"I said you were an ASSHOLE FUCKER!" The tiny child shouted, hands balled into fist, face reddened with rage, and tiny frame shaking with fury.
"How dare you! Do you know who I am?" Meredith sputtered in outrage.
"You are the bitch who is trying to keep the mages all locked away, you filthy cock sucker." The tiny boy glared up at Meredith. His emerald eyes were full of fury and defiance. There was something oddly familiar about them, Meredith thought.
"Who is this child?" She demanded looking at the templars around her. They all shook their heads as they tried to have no reaction to the situation, be it to laugh or be horrified. No one other than the Champion ever dared to speak to Meredith so shockingly, and even Abby was more tempered than this child. "You need to be taught some manners, you little heathen!" Meredith snapped as she grabbed the boy's arm. The boy shook his arm trying to get free.
"Unhand my son this instant!" Abby Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall, said in a cold and low voice.
"I should have known this would be your…spawn." Meredith sneered as she tightened her grip on the boy. The boy glared up at Meredith and kicked her in the shin.
"Go get stuffed and stop being such an uptight cunt!"
"Leto!" Abby scolded as she attempted to not laugh hysterically and go homicidal on Meredith. Maybe Aveline was right about Abby needing to curb hers and Isabela's tongues a bit more around Leto. That was almost verbatim what Isabela had said a few nights ago.
"See the filth that he spouts? And to not only his elders, but his betters as well?" Meredith seethed.
"Elder, I'll give you, but betters is pushing it." Abby said as she moved closer. "I'll tell you one last time, Knight Commander. Get your fucking hands off my son, or so help me, I will cut them off!" Meredith released Leto so quickly that he stumbled back. Abby quickly scooped him up. "Are you hurt, baby?" Abby asked looking at him.
"No." Leto responded before sticking his tongue out at Meredith.
"You should be ashamed of the way you are raising that child!" Meredith yelled at her. "The way he spoke to me is beyond words."
"Yet you are still speaking." Abby muttered.
"You are an unfit mother! You are an unfit Champion! That boy should be taken from you. Your tacky brass is starting to show through your golden gilding. It won't be long before the whole of Kirkwall knows what you really are."
"I'm pretty sure all of Kirkwall knows by now that I have a smart mouth and a low tolerance for bullshit." Abby answered flippantly.
"We'll see how uppity you are when the boy is taken from you." Meredith hissed.
"Threaten my family again, and you will find out what your insides look like." Fenris snarled as he shoved through the crowd to Abby's side.
"I'm surprised, Hawke. Given your willingness to protect that trash who calls himself a healer, I was certain you were whoring yourself out to him."
"Only on the holidays." Abby retorted.
"Shameful. Is it any wonder I have to rule this place with an iron fist? If people are too foolish to realize you should have been left in the gutter that you crawled out of, then I will have to protect them from themselves."
"And you say I'm a bad influence?" Abby asked giving Meredith a shocked look. "Calling me a whore and gutter trash in front of my son. Have you no shame? Not to mention talking bad about the good people of Kirkwall." Abby shook her head as she made tisking noises. "What would Elthina think about that?"
"Take care to mind yourself, Hawke. Someday you won't have others to hide behind." Meredith said before turning on her heels and storming off.
"Are you alright?" Fenris asked looking down at Abby.
"I'm fine." She smiled up at him. "Leto here gave Orana the slip again."
"What have we said about you running off?" Fenris asked looking down at his tiny son.
"Not to do it again." Leto huffed with a huge sigh. "I just wanted to see Aunt Bela's new ship."
"It's dangerous for you to be off on your own." Fenris said taking Leto from Abby.
"Cause Mommy pisses off so many people?" Leto asked looking up at Fenris with innocent curiosity in his eyes.
"Yes. And don't say piss. It's a grown up word." Fenris sighed himself. His son was far too clever and grabbed onto Abby's snark far too often. He glanced at Abby. "I blame you for this."
"I would like to say it's not my fault, but well…" Abby shrugged looking a bit sheepish. It wasn't that she wanted Leto to swear. She really did try to temper her tongue, but it got the better of her on most occasions. "Let's go home before Orana shits kittens." Abby glanced at Leto and then looked up at Fenris who was giving her a frustrated look. "I mean before Orana has a heart attack?" Abby tried.
"Can someone really…is shit a grownup word?" Leto asked looking at Fenris.
"You know it is." Fenris answered as they started for the house.
"Can someone really poop kittens? And if Orana does, can I keep one?"
"No." Fenris answered working hard to keep Abby and Leto from seeing that he was slightly amused by the situation.
"To pooping kittens or me keeping one?" Leto asked.
"Both."
"Damn." Leto huffed.
"What am I going to do with you both?" Fenris asked as he looked at the two people he loved most in the world.
"I vote get us a kitten." Abby said as she took Leto from him when they reached the estate.
"Me too!" Leto exclaimed before wiggling out of Abby's arms and rushing inside. "Hey, Orana did you shit kittens?"
"Abby!" Fenris cried in exasperation.
"I'll handle it. Don't worry. I got this shit." She held her hands up as Fenris growled. "It was a joke. I swear. I'm going to get this under control. Or at least convince Leto not to use it in public."
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"He said what?" Fenris exclaimed.
"Asshole fucker." Varric said before he dissolved into laughter. "I would have paid money to have seen her face. The whole of Kirkwall is abuzz with talk of Leto's showdown with the Knight Commander. I can't wait to work it into one of my stories."
"That's the last thing we need." Fenris muttered and looked up as he saw movement in the doorway. "Is he asleep?" He asked as Abby entered the room.
"Yes, after three stories, two prayers, a glass of water, and his blanket fixed just right. I'm not sure how Mother managed three of us. I'm exhausted." Abby said as she slipped into Fenris' lap. "What are you wanting to work into a story?" She asked as she snagged Fenris' wineglass and took a sip.
"Leto's showdown with Meredith."
"Did you know he called her an asshole fucker?" Fenris asked. Abby choked on the drink of wine she'd taken.
"I must have missed that one." Abby said once she'd finished coughing. "I did hear him tell her to go get stuffed and stop being such an uptight cunt." She laughed and shook her head. "Asshole fucker. Where the void did he get that?"
"I wonder." Fenris said arching his brow at her.
"I have never once said asshole fucker, but now that I have, I do like the ring of it. I'll have to remember that one." She chuckled before taking another sip of wine.
"Abby." Fenris sighed.
"It could be worse." Abby said as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
"How?"
"There could be two of him?" She suggested with a smile. Fenris arched his brow. "What? He's sweet, smart, handsome like his father, and spirited. If his potty mouth is the worst of it, I think we've been pretty lucky."
"I suppose so, but do you think you could try to curb some of it? Yesterday he told Sebastian that everyone would like him better if he'd just get laid."
"Am I going to have to go apologize?" Abby asked as she cringed. She wasn't the biggest fan of Sebastian, but he was a fairly close friend of Fenris'.
"I blamed it on Isabela." Fenris said smiling at Abby. "But still. You need to try."
"I will." Abby sighed. "On the cussing. I don't know that I can curb the snark. I might explode."
"I suppose that's something." Fenris sighed.
"Uh, not to point the fingers or anything, but when he was with me at the Hanged Man the other day, he swore up a blue streak in Arcanum. It was just like you were standing right there." Varric said smirking at Fenris. Abby looked at Fenris with an arched brow. Fenris shifted uncomfortably.
"Perhaps we could all do a little better." Fenris said contritely.