A/N: Hey guys... okay, so here's a short, kinda sad one-shot about Logan feeling really sad and alone...
Warnings: sort of dark theme I guess, but only one single swear word ;)
Disclaimer: Don't own Big Time Rush or the cover photo (no copyright infringement intended)
Enjoy :D
He had to be the best liar on the planet! It could be a blessing. It had definitely gotten him out of an unknown number of troubles, that was for sure! But it could also be a curse. And these days it was exactly that!
He could look people straight in the eye and tell them that a pink hippo with wheels and a tuba for tail was rolling by and they would believe him. He could smile and make it reach the eyes, when really, he was dying on the inside. He could radiate a sense of calm, making people around him relax, when he himself was out of his mind. He could make people believe that he was doing fine, when he most certainly was not.
Yes, Logan could lie to anybody in the whole world and get away with. Except one person. Himself!
x-x
He had always been classified as the smart one. The mature one. The sensible one... bleh! Logan had an ambivalent relationship with these terms. Sure, they were flattering, earning him gold stars with teachers, parents and friends. But they were also limiting, locking him in a certain pattern that he was expected to follow.
The smart one always had his homework done ahead of time, always earned an A+ and always was there to help Carlos, Kendall and James with their homework as well. Tiring, was what that was!
The mature one always had second thoughts about the wild and spontaneous plans Carlos, Kendall and James came up with, always was the one saying the right and polite things and always acted with the most grace when they attended anything social. Exhausting, was what that was!
The sensible one always tried reasoning when the others were panicking, always worked to keep them all out of trouble and was always expected to be the one not acting out. Absolutely, freaking awful, was what that was!
It was tearing Logan apart that he never was allowed to step out of line, never allowed to doubt himself and never allowed to do something stupid. He was not allowed to be flawed, and he felt as if the real Logan had to be pushed aside for this superhuman Logan, that everybody could always lean on!
There was so much more to Logan than the smart, mature and sensible one. What about the cool one, the wild one or the one desperate to scream for help? They were as much part of him as the others, but for some reason they were not welcome!
To be the Logan everybody expected him to be, he had to suppress parts of himself, that were really needed to feel whole as a person. And he had suppressed these parts for so long that he in fact did not feel whole anymore!
Logan had almost become an empty shell, a shadow of himself, acting on pure habit. He looked the way he used to, talked the way he used to, in all ways seemed to be the same. But he was losing himself! Drowning with despair!
x-x
As always the dark thoughts swirled the fastest and the voices hissed the loudest at night. He felt like covering his ears, but knew it wouldn't do any good. The voices and thoughts were part of him, he couldn't shut them out by closing his eyes or ears.
"Worthless" the voices whispered. "Unappreciated" they continued, making his eyes water. He wiped away the tears, annoyed.
He knew the voices weren't telling the truth. Cause Logan was smart, mature and sensible! He knew his family and friends loved him, that he was really good at what he did, and that he would hurt them by hurting himself. But Logan was also scared, sad and desperate for help.
The voices kept whispering negative words, making his insides crumble. The tears were rolling fast now, and he felt snot fill his nose. Logan didn't make any sound that would give away his state of mind, but couldn't help wallowing in his own sadness.
"Hey" Kendall suddenly exclaimed in the darkness, "that was so awesome tonight, don't you think?"
"Yeah" Logan answered, sounding perfectly happy and excited about the party they had attended.
The best liar on the planet! he thought, sighing silently to himself. If Kendall had turned on the light and looked at his friend, he couldn't avoid seeing the tears streaming down his face, the red nose or the clenched fists. Part of Logan hoped he would do that. But he didn't.
"Goodnight" the blonde said cheerfully and turned to his side.
Logan blinked a few times, feeling tears run down into one of his ears "Night".
x-x
Logan splashed cold water on his face and threw himself a glance in the mirror. He saw the Logan that everybody else saw. But he also saw that tiny gleam in his eyes, radiating deep frustration and sorrow. Why didn't anyone else see? Why didn't he LET anyone else see? Oh right, the best liar on the planet! he thought, feeling like slapping himself for being so stupid. Why did he have to be one of those people who bottled everything up inside and refused to talk about his problems?! Because he didn't want to trouble his friends with them, that was why! They all had their own issues, why would he add his worries to theirs! NO! the sensible, smart Logan screamed in his head, they are your friends and they WANT to know about your problems! Tell them! Tell them now before you do something you'll regret!
James knocked on the bathroom door.
"Logan, you okay in there?"
Logan looked at himself one last time, before opening the door.
"Yeah, I'm fine, bro... better start fixing that hair, we're leaving in 45 minutes!" he said playfully, throwing James a mischievous smile. James made a face at him and pushed Logan out of the bathroom.
Logan went to his and Kendall's room and leaned on the door. He closed his eyes and felt a tight knot form in his stomach. Best liar ever!
x-x
The raven haired boy was sitting at the flat roof of the Palm Woods. The sun was setting, coating the sky with beautiful, golden colors. He hugged his knees tightly, feeling a row of sobs raking through his body. He couldn't do this anymore! The last few days he had tried so hard to let go and actually tell his friends how he felt, but everytime he somehow stopped himself, instead letting out a sarcastic, snide remark, so typical of him!
Logan had argued with himself about this for hours. He knew it was stupid, but he didn't know what else to do. If he couldn't tell anybody, he would have to show them.
The razor blades were shining in the golden light, making him shudder. Was he really going to do this! The smart one had done a lot of research, so he knew how deep to cut without bleeding out. The sensible one had screamed how stupid this was. The mature one had told him this was the most immature thing he could possibly do. But the scared, sad and desperate one had told him this was probably the only way he would be able to actually share his problems with the world.
Logan picked up a blade, looking curiously at the tiny object. The fact that this could kill him, didn't even scare him. He rolled up his sleeves and grabbed a blade.
A hiccup made him shake and he blinked to get rid of the tears glazing over his eyes.
x-x
Logan held the blade just above his skin, when Kendall was suddenly standing on the roof, instantly spotting Logan, and what he was about to do. The look on his face changed from happiness to fear and he rushed to Logan.
Kendall knelt down and grabbed Logan around the shoulders.
"What the HELL are you doing Logan?" he yelled, voice trembling with worry.
Logan looked at him, tears trickling down his flushed cheeks. At first he said nothing, certain that whatever came out his mouth would be a lie anyway!
But then he looked into those pleading, emerald orbs, and it was as if a dam broke.
Logan was a mess of tears, snot and hiccups as he finally told his best friend about all the things that whirled inside his head.
Kendall looked mortified. He started crying himself, as it dawned on him just how bad his friend was aching, and he pulled Logan close, whispering words of comfort in his ears. Words that made Logan sob even more. This time from relief rather than sadness!
"We love you!" Kendall whispered, squeezing Logan's shoulder, "and we don't expect you to be perfect all the time. You have just as much right to have an off day... And we all know, that you also come up with weird, goofy plans, make mistakes and act as a teenager. We just know that you're ALSO smart, mature and sensible! But don't ever feel like that's all you are, Logan! And don't ever feel like you shouldn't tell us about your problems... You HAVE to tell us, okay!"
He gave Logan a small shove at the last words, wiping away the few tears still caught on his own cheeks.
Logan mustered a tiny smile. Not a fake one, but a genuine one this time.
"And don't even think about doing what you were about to, ever again, okay?" Kendall said in a scolding, yet loving, voice.
"I promise!" Logan said, again being completely honest.
Kendall pulled Logan to his feet and the two boys made their way to the stairs. With a tug Kendall pulled Logan forward and gave him a playful nuggie.
"Good" he laughed "cause if you do, I'll freaking beat you senseless man! We need you, Logan! Don't ever forget that!"
Logan smiled, nodding his head. Problems didn't go away in an instant, but finally letting out his fears and frustrations made him feel so much better. He would work hard to not bottle things up, and not feel this down ever again. And he would allow himself to be all that he was. Both smart, goofy, mature, wild, sensible and vulnerable. And all the other things that made Logan who he was. Not Logan the superhuman, but just plain old Logan Mitchell...
Okay, so hope you liked it... Feel more than welcome to drop me a review with your thoughts :) Feedback is awesome!
This oneshot is very much based on how I get when I feel down. I always bottle things up, and hate pestering people with my problems! Stupid, I know ;) I have never and will never cut myself though... I know people who have, and it's so awful :'(
Have a wonderful weekend, people :)
Hugs,
Rikke