I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE UNDERWORLD
AN: Something silly and unnecessary, title taken from "Minority" by Green Day.
Spike: Of course, when I was a bat--
Buffy: Shut up. You were so never a bat.
Spike: Ah ha ha duh! Of course I was a bat. All vampires are bats before they become
vampires. Kind of a twist on the old Dracula tale. Course, you've probably never read Dracula,
what with you being so busy slaying him that you haven't got time to read up on the old Count.
Buffy: Spike. I know vampires--
Xander: Intimately.
Buffy: Thanks, Xander. That was... helpful.
Spike: Oh, don't worry. He wasn't telling me anything I hadn't already experienced.
Buffy: You--
Xander: Hey! I-- (to Willow) Do you think she'd sleep with me if I was all undead and dressed
as a Boy Scout?
Anya: I think that I would sleep with you if you weren't undead. (whispering) You can wear the
Scout uniform, though.
Spike: The only way you get to be a vampire bat is if you pledge allegiance to the Underworld.
If you refuse, you get to be a vampire-- [heavy sarcasm] with all the funness that entails-- but
you don't get to turn into a bat. Which, personally, I find the only interesting bit about the whole
vampire blood yaddadada. The killing can be fun, but... well, I find it a bit passe, to be honest.
Willow: You're an Animagi?
Dawn: Cool! And do you know about Sirus Black? And Rebus Lupin and--
Spike: [nervous] Don't let's have any mention of that Harry Potter stuff, eh, pet? Sarah's poor
enough without a famous suing author monkey on her back, right?
Buffy: Tell me more about this pledging of allegiance.
Spike: Oh, well... it's simple, really. All you have to say is "I pledge allegiance to the
Underworld", do a little twirl, hum three bars of a piece of classical music--
Cue everyone looking instantly disinterested.
Spike: All right, all right, three bars of an NSync song--
Interest recaptured.
Spike cont'd: --and standing on your head for ten minutes while singing the National Anthem of
England, and you're in. Bada bing, bada boom, you too can turn into a bona fide electrified
hydromatic systematic--
Xander: --greased lightning--
Spike: Ssh! What did I say about lawsuits-- bloody hell--
Buffy: She's already abusing lyrics to a Green Day song and all rights to the characters from my
show, Spike. If she's gonna do lawsuits, she might as well *do* lawsuits, are you with me?
Spike: True. Anyway-- you do all that jazz and turn into a bat.
Willow: I don't think we should go overboard with the using of other people's stuff just because
we can, though.
Dawn: [absent-mindedly] Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...
Willow: Dawn! -- oh -- I wash my hands of the whole affair.
She walks off.
Spike: Yeah, it's getting old, isn't it?
He leaves, followed by Dawn, and Anya and Xander, who exit through a small door,
whispering and... let's stop there.
Buffy: Guys? Guys! I thought turning into a bat might be a cool skill for a Slayer to... oh...
[experimentally] I pledge allegiance to the Underworld... [pauses] Ain't no lie, baby bye bye... Nah... I knew he just wanted me to make a fool out of myself!
She exits by the same door as Anya and Xander, closing it behind her. A high-pitched scream is
heard, and Buffy appears again quickly, leaving the door ajar and rushing off-stage.
Anya: (offstage) I didn't think she had a problem with Boy Scout uniforms...?
- end
AN: Something silly and unnecessary, title taken from "Minority" by Green Day.
Spike: Of course, when I was a bat--
Buffy: Shut up. You were so never a bat.
Spike: Ah ha ha duh! Of course I was a bat. All vampires are bats before they become
vampires. Kind of a twist on the old Dracula tale. Course, you've probably never read Dracula,
what with you being so busy slaying him that you haven't got time to read up on the old Count.
Buffy: Spike. I know vampires--
Xander: Intimately.
Buffy: Thanks, Xander. That was... helpful.
Spike: Oh, don't worry. He wasn't telling me anything I hadn't already experienced.
Buffy: You--
Xander: Hey! I-- (to Willow) Do you think she'd sleep with me if I was all undead and dressed
as a Boy Scout?
Anya: I think that I would sleep with you if you weren't undead. (whispering) You can wear the
Scout uniform, though.
Spike: The only way you get to be a vampire bat is if you pledge allegiance to the Underworld.
If you refuse, you get to be a vampire-- [heavy sarcasm] with all the funness that entails-- but
you don't get to turn into a bat. Which, personally, I find the only interesting bit about the whole
vampire blood yaddadada. The killing can be fun, but... well, I find it a bit passe, to be honest.
Willow: You're an Animagi?
Dawn: Cool! And do you know about Sirus Black? And Rebus Lupin and--
Spike: [nervous] Don't let's have any mention of that Harry Potter stuff, eh, pet? Sarah's poor
enough without a famous suing author monkey on her back, right?
Buffy: Tell me more about this pledging of allegiance.
Spike: Oh, well... it's simple, really. All you have to say is "I pledge allegiance to the
Underworld", do a little twirl, hum three bars of a piece of classical music--
Cue everyone looking instantly disinterested.
Spike: All right, all right, three bars of an NSync song--
Interest recaptured.
Spike cont'd: --and standing on your head for ten minutes while singing the National Anthem of
England, and you're in. Bada bing, bada boom, you too can turn into a bona fide electrified
hydromatic systematic--
Xander: --greased lightning--
Spike: Ssh! What did I say about lawsuits-- bloody hell--
Buffy: She's already abusing lyrics to a Green Day song and all rights to the characters from my
show, Spike. If she's gonna do lawsuits, she might as well *do* lawsuits, are you with me?
Spike: True. Anyway-- you do all that jazz and turn into a bat.
Willow: I don't think we should go overboard with the using of other people's stuff just because
we can, though.
Dawn: [absent-mindedly] Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...
Willow: Dawn! -- oh -- I wash my hands of the whole affair.
She walks off.
Spike: Yeah, it's getting old, isn't it?
He leaves, followed by Dawn, and Anya and Xander, who exit through a small door,
whispering and... let's stop there.
Buffy: Guys? Guys! I thought turning into a bat might be a cool skill for a Slayer to... oh...
[experimentally] I pledge allegiance to the Underworld... [pauses] Ain't no lie, baby bye bye... Nah... I knew he just wanted me to make a fool out of myself!
She exits by the same door as Anya and Xander, closing it behind her. A high-pitched scream is
heard, and Buffy appears again quickly, leaving the door ajar and rushing off-stage.
Anya: (offstage) I didn't think she had a problem with Boy Scout uniforms...?
- end