ACCEPTANCE
Spoilers: The Gift
Would you just. Go. Away.
"...think it would help if you saw the headstone again," she rambles on. "I mean, I know you've
seen it, but if you saw it again, it might help you to accept the fact that Buffy's - that Buffy's
gone. You need closure, Xander, whether you realise it or not."
Would you just. Go. Away.
"Xander?" she says, a little creeped out by my silence. I was hoping to appear stand offish so
she'd leave, but instead I'm giving out big "I'm grieving! Hug me!" vibes. Apparently so anyway,
because that's what she does. "I know you're upset, but -"
"I am not upset." Through clenched teeth. "It's probably better you go away."
"Oh." She removes her arms from around me and takes a hurt step backwards. "Are you sure?
Because I'm free all day. So we could go down to the cemetery and -"
"No!" I don't mean to snap, but she's driving me to it. "No. I don't want to go there."
"Xander, please," Willow begs. In her stupid little girl voice from her stupid little weak body.
What did she ever do that was so good? Why can't she be dead? Or me? What did I ever do
that lets me live and Buffy - not? "I know you're upset but please, please don't be like this. You
have to say goodbye to her, accept she's gone. It would mean so much to Dawn if you
would..."
She keeps talking but I shut her out. Dawn? Dawn doesn't care if I go and see any headstone or
not. Dawn's mom and sister died weeks apart, for God's sake. Dawn doesn't care if I grow
wings and fly to the moon.
"... knew how much you cared about her-"
"Shut up!" I scream. It surprises me, but not as much as it does Willow. Still, I did ask her to
leave, and she hung around, so it's her own fault. I don't feel sorry for anyone but myself these
days. "She didn't know, Willow! You don't even know what you're talking about! I mean,
would you think I cared about you if it wasn't for the fact that I've hung around with you for
twenty years? She didn't know. And I'm not going to the cemetery. Not today, not tomorrow,
probably not ever again. So just get out and take your stupid trainee psychology with you. Go
find someone who cares."
Willow's eyes well up with tears but still there's no sympathy. Who cares if Willow's upset?
Buffy's dead. Willow is the least of my cares right now. Let her cry until we all drown for all I
give a damn. "Why are you being this way?"
Anya emerges from the kitchen, looking concerned but relaxed. "You better go," she tells
Willow.
"Xander - I -"
"Grief does funny things to people," Anya says soothingly. "You should go."
Willow leaves and Anya shuts the door behind her, sitting across the table from me. "I don't
understand this," she says matter-of-factly. "You cried when Buffy's mom died and you're crying
now. But I don't get it. Who are you upset for? Buffy? Or yourself? And how do you know
when to stop?"
I look up at her and I love her. She really doesn't understand. But she's trying. "You just do."
"Are you going to be like this when Dawn dies?"
"When. Don't you mean if?"
Anya looks at me and for a second she seems sad. "Everybody dies sometime."
My own mortality hits me like a frying pan in one of those old sitcoms. 'Everybody dies
sometime.' She's right. Everyone does die, sooner or later. One day I'll be dead, she'll be dead,
Giles, Willow, Tara, Dawn -
I jump up from the table and grab my jacket. "I'm going out."
She tilts her head to one side and stares at me like she was expecting this. "To find Willow."
"Yeah."
Buffy's dead.
Now all I have to do is accept it.
Spoilers: The Gift
Would you just. Go. Away.
"...think it would help if you saw the headstone again," she rambles on. "I mean, I know you've
seen it, but if you saw it again, it might help you to accept the fact that Buffy's - that Buffy's
gone. You need closure, Xander, whether you realise it or not."
Would you just. Go. Away.
"Xander?" she says, a little creeped out by my silence. I was hoping to appear stand offish so
she'd leave, but instead I'm giving out big "I'm grieving! Hug me!" vibes. Apparently so anyway,
because that's what she does. "I know you're upset, but -"
"I am not upset." Through clenched teeth. "It's probably better you go away."
"Oh." She removes her arms from around me and takes a hurt step backwards. "Are you sure?
Because I'm free all day. So we could go down to the cemetery and -"
"No!" I don't mean to snap, but she's driving me to it. "No. I don't want to go there."
"Xander, please," Willow begs. In her stupid little girl voice from her stupid little weak body.
What did she ever do that was so good? Why can't she be dead? Or me? What did I ever do
that lets me live and Buffy - not? "I know you're upset but please, please don't be like this. You
have to say goodbye to her, accept she's gone. It would mean so much to Dawn if you
would..."
She keeps talking but I shut her out. Dawn? Dawn doesn't care if I go and see any headstone or
not. Dawn's mom and sister died weeks apart, for God's sake. Dawn doesn't care if I grow
wings and fly to the moon.
"... knew how much you cared about her-"
"Shut up!" I scream. It surprises me, but not as much as it does Willow. Still, I did ask her to
leave, and she hung around, so it's her own fault. I don't feel sorry for anyone but myself these
days. "She didn't know, Willow! You don't even know what you're talking about! I mean,
would you think I cared about you if it wasn't for the fact that I've hung around with you for
twenty years? She didn't know. And I'm not going to the cemetery. Not today, not tomorrow,
probably not ever again. So just get out and take your stupid trainee psychology with you. Go
find someone who cares."
Willow's eyes well up with tears but still there's no sympathy. Who cares if Willow's upset?
Buffy's dead. Willow is the least of my cares right now. Let her cry until we all drown for all I
give a damn. "Why are you being this way?"
Anya emerges from the kitchen, looking concerned but relaxed. "You better go," she tells
Willow.
"Xander - I -"
"Grief does funny things to people," Anya says soothingly. "You should go."
Willow leaves and Anya shuts the door behind her, sitting across the table from me. "I don't
understand this," she says matter-of-factly. "You cried when Buffy's mom died and you're crying
now. But I don't get it. Who are you upset for? Buffy? Or yourself? And how do you know
when to stop?"
I look up at her and I love her. She really doesn't understand. But she's trying. "You just do."
"Are you going to be like this when Dawn dies?"
"When. Don't you mean if?"
Anya looks at me and for a second she seems sad. "Everybody dies sometime."
My own mortality hits me like a frying pan in one of those old sitcoms. 'Everybody dies
sometime.' She's right. Everyone does die, sooner or later. One day I'll be dead, she'll be dead,
Giles, Willow, Tara, Dawn -
I jump up from the table and grab my jacket. "I'm going out."
She tilts her head to one side and stares at me like she was expecting this. "To find Willow."
"Yeah."
Buffy's dead.
Now all I have to do is accept it.