Hi everyone! Finally a Daiken again, but it is still angst.. And this one's got a lot.. You've been warned! ;)
I only write what comes out of me but I want to try writing something more humorous soon.. Can't promise anything thought! :p
Feel free to tell me what you think! I appreciate any feedback to help me improve and I'd like to read your opinions! ^^
I don't own digimon or any of the characters.
No. I am not doing this again. I will not do it. For over seven years I have blamed myself, I have punished myself. Almost to the level that I have fallen apart. Why, almost? I don't know. I am trying to think positive for once in my life.
Seven years ago, or even more, I did these horrible things. I made other creatures suffer. I hurt them. For what? I am not sure. Because of this, I am now lying in a hospital bed.
The first way I started to punish myself was by not having fun. Did I deserve to have fun? Certainly not. I thought that if I spend all my time studying I could become someone that could help other people and other living things. I thought that could make up for what I had done.
The second thing I did was to not buy anything. I hadn't earned any money, if you want to reach far you have to study and if you study you don't have time to work. Because of this you might guess my third attempt to punish myself.
I stopped eating. Not completely at first, but I ate less and less. This might actually be a part of why I am currently laying in a hospital bed.
But the worst punishment isn't something I gave myself willingly. It is what my sins have given me.
All these nightmares. They are driving me insane! Literally. I am not myself. I don't know what is "myself" anymore. I can never fall asleep at nights because I am so scared of my dreams. Therefor I am always so tired that I can fall asleep whenever. At home, at school, anywhere and anytime. But not on nights.
This makes me in a constant state of half-asleep or half-awake and I never know which it is.
Like now. I am scared. So scared. That this will be a nightmare. That suddenly I'll turn out to be the Kaiser again. And I will hurt someone again.
But then that's only a dream, right? But I am never sure. The longest, worst, dream I ever had wasn't a dream. It was true. And for that I will never forgive myself.
I blink, not sure if I have slept or not and not totally sure that I am even awake. Because in front of me I see someone I should not see if I wasn't dreaming. Someone that clearly does not exist in my daily life but in my nightly dreams.
In front of me is no one else but Daisuke Motomiya. The Daisuke Motomiya. I blink again and even pinches my arm, but he is still there and I do believe I am awake.
He looks different though. Different from how I remember him. I don't think I have ever seen Daisuke so.. troubled before. He looks at me with worried brown eyes. His hands nervously between his legs and he says nothing.
I don't know what to do. He shouldn't be here. He has never been here before. And then I don't mean "here" as in this hospital bed, 'cause he might as well have, but here as with me. When I need him the most.
"What are you doing here Daisuke?" I ask.
I didn't use to be this straightforward. I used to act all shy around him. And when I started avoiding him, I suppose I was more tense. Still, lots have changed in the past five years and with my current condition, I don't feel like beating around the bushes. I want to know why he is here and I want to know it now. Before I fall asleep and everything is gone.
"Your mother called."
His voice is so different from how it used be. I can still remember how he used to call my name. How he used to try every kind of way to make me smile. Using his voice, body and actions to prove to me that I could be happy. That I deserved to be happy.
But I didn't agree with him. I blocked him out of my life. He tried to convince me that I could be happy, that we could be happy, but I didn't allow it. And in the end he left and I haven't seen him ever since. Not before today.
"Ken, how did things turn out like this? You should know hurting yourself will help no one. It's not fair Ken, they have all moved on. Everyone, except you."
"We all forgive you for what you did. You couldn't help it Ken. If it wasn't you, it would've been anyone else. Please, you have to stop punish yourself for something you could never have controlled."
I don't answer him. I have heard all of this before.
After I helped the digidestined saving the digital along with the real world I thought everything was fine. I thought so for a while, that I had cleaned up my mess.
But I realized I was wrong. It wasn't long before my nightmares kept coming. I couldn't forgive myself.
Maybe I haven't done any of this for someone else. Maybe it's all for myself. So that I will quiet my guilt. So that will get rid of my nightmares.
"Has it worked? Answer me truthfully Ken. Are you feeling better know Ken? Are you closer to accomplishing your dream of helping others? Are you even compatible to take care of anyone but yourself?"
It has always been this way with Daisuke. I don't have to talk. He knows anyway.
"Listen Ken, I did a mistake. I never should have listened to you. I shouldn't have left you alone. I should have fought for you. Even though you told me not to."
"I am here to do so now. It doesn't matter how much you hurt me. It doesn't matter what you say or do. I am here Ken, and I am here to stay. No matter what you say."
His eyes is determined. He looks more like the boy I remember from when I was a kid. The guy who did what he thought was best, what he believed in. The boy a fell madly in love with.
"You shouldn't.. I thought you were happy. Why risk losing that because of me? I am not worth it.. I am not worth you..."
My voice is trembling. Why can't I sound more self-confident? Like I mean it. Instead of sounding like I am begging him to convince me otherwise.
"Bullshit. I can't be truly happy without you Ken and you know it. I can't possibly be happy when you're hurting. Moreover I have already decided. So just shut up and let me take you home."
By home, he meant his home. I have never been here before, when we separated he was still living with his parents.
His apartment is small but has a cozy feeling. It is crowded with stuff, much unlike my own.
He has lots of photos. Of his family, friends, his digimon and me. I am surprised, I can't remember when the photo is taken. When did I ever smile like that? I don't remember.
The photo hangs over his bed, and I don't dare to ask about it.
The first thing Daisuke does when he takes me home is to cook for me. He is really talented and the food is delicious. Sadly thought, I can't eat. As I take the first bite I feels like I will throw up. He says nothing but sits down next to me and pats me on the back.
"It's okay. The doctor said your stomach will object at first but you'll slowly get better. Take small portions and you'll be fine."
I nod and he takes my plate and eats the rest of the food. He says nothing more for the rest of the evening. He puts on a movie that we watch until he falls asleep.
The first night with Daisuke is horrible. I can't sleep, but I can't not sleep either. The image of him is hunting me. I cuddle up on Daisuke's bed. It's dark and late. I don't know what to do.
Why me? Why did it have to be me? I never wanted any of that. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Still I did. Intentionally.
I can see him when I close my eyes. Blue, spiky hair. Glasses. Is it me? Is it my brother? I am not sure. He was a creation of my regrets of my brother. In one way they were the same and in another completely differences. They were both parts of me that I have lost. But only the Kaiser I want to get rid off. Forever.
Screams. Punches. Kicks. I am not sure anymore. Am I asleep? Am I awake? My screams are echoing in his room. My arm is bleeding. I come to the conclusion I am awake when I see my reflection in the broken mirror. In my dreams I always look like the Kaiser. Always, no exception. Therefor, when I see the fragile body, the thin straight hair, I am sure I have awaken. Still, my thoughts are unfocused and I feel my heart beating fast. Really fast. Too fast. I am scared, terrified. I can feel the lack of oxygen. The thickness in my throat. I cannot breath. My thoughts, feelings, regrets.. they are killing me from within.
There is no way out. None. The only thing I can do is to wait for the morning. But my screams aren't softening. My heart isn't slowing down. Not yet. Not for another couple of hours I assume. 'Cause I know. I know once I have gotten to this stage, I won't be fine. I will wake up the next morning with bruises, scars and a broken voice. I see something I shouldn't see.
A glass cane with water next to the bed. With a trembling hand I take it. It will hurt, but I want it to. I want to feel it broke against my head. I want the pain. The pain from anything other than my broken heart.
But just as I am about to cross it against myself I feel two strong arms around my body holding me tight. I don't think but fight them. Fight him. I scream and try my best to break free. I try to hurt him so I can get away. I even try to bite his shoulder in an attempt to free myself.
But he is stronger than me, he always has been. Both physically and mentally. I am starting to feel tired. Not only in my head but in my body as well. The need to break free softens and replaces with a sudden need to cry.
I cry when I have my panic attacks. Always. But not like this time. And I have never before had anyone to console me while I do. In hospital they tie me up so I won't hurt myself but there has never been anyone hugging me before. Not that I think anyone but Daisuke would have helped.
Daisuke doesn't say anything. He just holds me and gently rubs my back. I can't help but to hug him back. Or rather, to cling onto him like my life depended on it. Which it kinda does..
After a break out I usually feel lonely and scared. My body uses to hurt, everywhere, and I use to have this hard feeling in my heart.
This time I can feel my bruises and scars from yesterday but inside me it's totally different. I feel.. empty. But not sad- or scared-empty but rather relieved-empty. Like there is nothing left to get out.
"Good morning Ken." Daisuke says and smiles kindly at me as he approaches me with a bowl with soup.
"Thought soup might be kind for your stomach so I tried to make an as nutritious as possible, I hope it tastes okay as well!"
I take the bowl in my hands and take a sip. It is tasty, even thought eating is still uncomfortable.
"Daisuke?" I say with a hoarse voice.
He looks up at me with a questioning look.
"Thank you."
Living with Daisuke is both good and bad. I feel better than I have done for a long time. Eating gets easier by the day and since I now sleep next to Daisuke every panic attack I have ends up with me clinging on to him. It's not as bad as the first night and yesterday I slept the first whole night in a very long time. I had nightmares but none too scary to wake me and no panic attacks!
The bad thing is that I feel like I am bringing him down. He cooks for me, stays awake with me when I can't sleep, sleep in the same bed with me.. Everything to make me feel better. He is an angel and I don't know how I possible could deserve him.
I don't . I really don't. I am a burden. A shame. Someone he has to take care of. Someone who..
"Ken? Are you thinking anything stupid again?"
I quickly look up to see my angel standing next to me with an accusing look. His red brown hair waving when he moves his head. What wouldn't I have done to be a little bit closer. To see his perfect skin under his beautiful hair up close.
'You had the chance' a voice in my head reminds me. 'He wanted you and you refused'. It was true, but only because he deserves better.
Maybe that's also why I am insane. Guilt and a lost love is probably not the best combination. But could I really follow my heart and declare my love for him? Wouldn't that only be selfish? He deserves someone better. Someone who's not a mental mess. Someone..
I get interrupted in my thoughts by something warm pressing softly against my lips. Excitement flows through my body without me be able to stop it when I feel Daisuke's lips against my own. His tongue licks my lower lip and I can't help to open my mouth slightly so he can enter.
I know he deserves better. I know I shouldn't do this. But just as my body and mind never listen to me during my panic attacks, they don't listen to me now.
I have loved this man for seven years. I might have loved him even longer. He is my strength, my happiness. With him I feel like fighting, to work hard to reach my goals.
I need him. More than I knew myself. If I am going to keep on living, it should be with him.
Maybe he deserves more. Maybe he deserves better. But the way he moans when I push him back against the bed tells me otherwise. It tells me to stop thinking.