Don't Forget To Remember
I'm in one of those dreamless sleeps. It's not so bad. There are things I'd rather not dream about. I thought I was pretty far under. I mean, surfacing, it feels like it. Like I'm being pushed back. Swimming against a current. But I can hear the yelling quite clearly. And through a wall of unconsciousness and my bedroom door, that's pretty impressive.
"Buffy!... Buffy, you better not be asleep. Buffy!"
I struggle into a sitting position. "Wha?" Okay, so coherent thought and intelligent conversation don't run hand in hand in this vessel. It's not my fault.
Dawn bursts into my room and looks disappointed with me, for some reason. Since I've been under, sleeping must have been made a crime. In six hours. Heh. Wait... Dawn's wearing a wedding dress. Why would Dawn be wearing a wedding dress? "Buffy, how could you sleep late? Today of all days?"
My mind grinds reluctantly into gear and I shake my head; to no avail. There's some kind of sleep fog shrouding my mind and completely blocking me from thinking of any reasonable explanation as to why Dawn, my little sister Dawn, would be wearing a wedding dress. I can only think of one plan of action. "Why are you wearing a wedding dress?"
Shouldn't have forgotten about Dawn's sarcastic streak. Sometimes asking doesn't always get you the answers. But I've known that for a while. "Because I'm gonna be the first bride to fly to the moon, Buffy. Why do you think?"
So she's getting married. No, that's wrong. Who would Dawn be getting married to? I ask.
She melts instantly into mush and I think of Angel. The only man who could ever make me do that. "My dark prince... hey, don't go back to sleep there, missy. You've got stuff to do."
I wasn't aware I had chores to do with this 'wedding'. It's gotta be a drama thing at school, I've decided, and yeah, my head's hit the pillow again. Sue me. "Like?"
"Like, make sure everything's okay... this has to be perfect for me, Buffy. I hope you get that."
Well, maybe at the real wedding, I'll take this seriously. For now, I'm going to treat it with the contempt it deserves. "Dawn, marriage is a way away for you yet. You're fourteen years old... you don't have a boyfriend... you look like a meringue. I'm tired. Leave me alone."
"I'm not old enough. Pick, pick, pick. Laws change, Buffy. Don't you remember? And you chose this dress; the least you
can do is pretend to like it. Now get this on." She throws a hideous candy pink creation that I can only assume is a
bridesmaid's dress at me and looks as though she seriously expects me to wear it. "And get your ass down to the
church and make sure everything's great."
"Hey, hey, hey." I hold the dress up. "Dawn, please. Look at this. I mean, just look at it. And don't talk to me like that.
I'm still old enough to kick your ass."
She snorts derisively. "Yeah, Buffy. I'm soooo scared of the ex-Slayer."
"Ex?"
"Don't play dumb with me. You lost your powers, not your memory. You said you'd sort this, Buffy. Can you get to the
church now, PLEASE?"
-----
I walk into the church. It's creepy. You know how people are always saying churches are these places of great calm?
Like, they feel peaceful and relaxed in the prescence of God? Well, sometimes I can empathise with that, and
sometimes they just feel like big dead buildings. Devoid of feeling or warmth or anything. Cold stone does not a nice
atmosphere make. But in here, it's different. It feels different from that. Like there's this big shadow hanging over the
proceedings. A metaphorical monster preparing to take us out, one by one, and I can't do anything about it. Kind of like
a cancer, in a way, but I'm not going to think about that. Even though she should be here, on Dawnie's wedding day,
I'm not going to think about that.
There's a shuffle from the corner of the church and I spin round. Away from the pews. Stupid, really. Anything could be
hiding down there, but I can't fight it any more. So Dawn says. I'm not the Slayer any more. Just Buffy. Just a shell.
"Buffy?"
It's Angel. I knew it would be. "Angel," I say, acknowledging his prescence. Then something clicks in me. I don't know
why. It's like seeing Angel is the piece of the puzzle I've been missing. The jigsaw piece that's been hiding under the
sofa and I just dug it out. "You're her dark prince," I murmur.
"You knew I would be. I always have been."
I nod, but I can't think why. It seems the most inane thing to do because I didn't know he would be and I didn't know he
always has been. This is a complete new piece of information and my brain can't really register it... it's not even trying.
How can he always have been with Dawn? Wasn't he with me? And wasn't there a time when Dawn didn't exist? What is
this place? And how did I get here? "Always?... Angel, I-"
"Not now." The wedding march begins to play, but if I turn around, I'm only going to see empty pews. Rows and rows
of empty pews. Like death, in a weird way. Is death a row of empty chairs? Weird. "I'm getting married."
"You can't. There's no one here -"
"Everyone's here," he says simply. I turn around slowly and everyone's there, the pews are full and the monster is
leaning over the church with it's jaws wide open. Ready to snap. Everyone's looking at me expectantly, though exactly
what it is they expect I don't know. I didn't hear them come in. Dawn is at the altar and she looks radiant, but this is
just madness.
"Where did they -"
"No time now," Angel says, smiling at me and pulling me by the hand to the front of the church. "I'm getting married."
(2)
I stand behind Dawn at the altar. Scanning the church, I see Xander, Willow, Tara and Anya in the front row, with others - Wesley, Cordelia, even Oz - sitting behind. Strangely everyone is sitting on one side of the church. I don't understand that. Xander is asleep, his head on Anya's shoulder. Willow and Tara appear to have both dyed their hair black. Some kind of symbolism against this marriage? I'm with them on that one.
"Willow," I hiss. My voice echoes loud in the silent church. No one's watching me now. It's as if time has stopped. Dawn and Angel are engrossed in each other. The congregation are sitting calmly and waiting for the service to begin. They show no signs of having heard what I said. "What's going on?"
"Nothing," Willow says sweetly. "Well, except a wedding. That's kind of-"
"I'm serious. I woke up this morning and I'm not the Slayer, my sister's marrying Angel and everything's changed. I feel like Alice in Wonderland. This is crazy."
She touches my arm sympathetically and I feel like hurling her across the church. Although, of course, I can't do that now. "We knew you'd be upset. It's natural."
"I am not-"
"Dearly beloved." A voice booms loud and the congregation seem to sit up and pay attention for the first time. Then I notice all of them are wearing black. This is so strange. I turn around and nudge Dawn. "You can't start. Giles isn't here yet."
Dawn turns and gives me a painted, mannequin smile. "Oh, that old man," she says in a flat voice. "He said he was doing something important that we'd both like. I thought I would let him get on with it."
"Dawn, do you know what you're doing?" I want to scream. I'm Alice. I've fallen down a rabbit hole and any second now
I'm going to see a white rabbit and run after it like a lunatic.
"You're just jealous, Buffy." Still in that sickly little girl tone. "It's natural. Shall we start?"
The vicar clears his throat and at this point I know I've lost my mind. "Spike?"
"I'm trying to start," he says in annoyance. "This is my first big wedding. Don't go and cock it up." He coughs again. "Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today in the sight of God-"
"This is a church. You're vampires - both of you." I stab an accusing finger at the vicar and the groom. They look amused. I want to kill them. But I can't. I can't do anything. I have to sit back and listen to this rubbish -
"We got our humanity years back, luv. I'm a man of the cloth now."
"Since when? What's going-"
A shuffle, a scuff of shoes against stone flooring at the back of the church prompts me to turn. It's Giles, looking breathless and more than a little mad professor. He's clearly agitated and a little scared. "Dawn! Buffy! I've done it! I've ... I've finally brought her-"
I'll never know what he's going to say, I think, a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know he's dead before I even
run and kneel by his side. No one else moves. "Why aren't you helping?" I scream at them. They stare at me with dead
faces, dead eyes. "Somebody move!"
"Don't even think about it."
Oh. oh. Oh no. I recognise that voice, but it's not how it used to be. Colder. Harder... dead. I don't want to look up but
someone - God? Whistler? The PTB? - is holding an invisible string attached to the top of my head and yanks me up to my feet. "Mommy?"
"That's not your mother." Thanks, MENSA member. I can tell that much. It's Wesley and he's at my side. The only one with anything in his face other than death. "She's dead, Buffy. Don't touch her."
"I won't." But she's heading towards me, arms outstretched. I can see the decay, the parts of her face that are rotting and the rips and smears of dirt on her clothes where she's been under the ground. Oh. God. Giles resurrected my mother. Made her a zombie and now... now he's dead.
"It's over, Buffy," she cooes, still walking towards me. "Don't you know that? Just give it up. It's finished. You're nothing any more."
"I'm more real than you are," I choke out and she laughs at me.
"Are you?" she says simply, and the stake plunges down. I didn't even see it in her hand.
-----
I'm in one of those dreamless sleeps. It's not so bad. There are things I'd rather not dream about. I thought I was pretty far under. I mean, surfacing, it feels like it. Like I'm being pushed back. Swimming against a current. But I can hear the yelling quite clearly. And through a wall of unconsciousness and my bedroom door, that's pretty impressive.
"Buffy!... Buffy, you better not be asleep. Buffy!"
I struggle into a sitting position. "Wha?"
Wait. This has already happened. I've climbed out of the rabbit hole and walked into Groundhog Day. "Dawn?" I say carefully, slowly turning my head to look at her. She's in normal clothes. Thank God.
"You've been asleep all day, you nerd," she tells me. "I'm only fourteen, Buffy. I shouldn't have to do this stuff myself. I mean, sure, I'll need to learn for when I'm married, but I-"
"You're not getting married," I say in a panic.
"No, I'm not getting married. Of course I'm not getting married. What's wrong with you?" She tilts her head to one side and gazes at me curiously. "Did you dream?"
"Bad stuff," I say, nodding. "Let's not talk about it. I better get up."
I head into the bathroom and have to check there's nothing waiting to jump out on me from behind the door and cross to the sink. There's something white in there. A balled up wedding dress?
I poke it experimentally with my finger. The bloodied carcass of a dead white rabbit. A glassy eye staring at me, and a
message taped to the mirror.
DON'T FALL DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE.
I scream.
I'm in one of those dreamless sleeps. It's not so bad. There are things I'd rather not dream about. I thought I was pretty far under. I mean, surfacing, it feels like it. Like I'm being pushed back. Swimming against a current. But I can hear the yelling quite clearly. And through a wall of unconsciousness and my bedroom door, that's pretty impressive.
"Buffy!... Buffy, you better not be asleep. Buffy!"
I struggle into a sitting position. "Wha?" Okay, so coherent thought and intelligent conversation don't run hand in hand in this vessel. It's not my fault.
Dawn bursts into my room and looks disappointed with me, for some reason. Since I've been under, sleeping must have been made a crime. In six hours. Heh. Wait... Dawn's wearing a wedding dress. Why would Dawn be wearing a wedding dress? "Buffy, how could you sleep late? Today of all days?"
My mind grinds reluctantly into gear and I shake my head; to no avail. There's some kind of sleep fog shrouding my mind and completely blocking me from thinking of any reasonable explanation as to why Dawn, my little sister Dawn, would be wearing a wedding dress. I can only think of one plan of action. "Why are you wearing a wedding dress?"
Shouldn't have forgotten about Dawn's sarcastic streak. Sometimes asking doesn't always get you the answers. But I've known that for a while. "Because I'm gonna be the first bride to fly to the moon, Buffy. Why do you think?"
So she's getting married. No, that's wrong. Who would Dawn be getting married to? I ask.
She melts instantly into mush and I think of Angel. The only man who could ever make me do that. "My dark prince... hey, don't go back to sleep there, missy. You've got stuff to do."
I wasn't aware I had chores to do with this 'wedding'. It's gotta be a drama thing at school, I've decided, and yeah, my head's hit the pillow again. Sue me. "Like?"
"Like, make sure everything's okay... this has to be perfect for me, Buffy. I hope you get that."
Well, maybe at the real wedding, I'll take this seriously. For now, I'm going to treat it with the contempt it deserves. "Dawn, marriage is a way away for you yet. You're fourteen years old... you don't have a boyfriend... you look like a meringue. I'm tired. Leave me alone."
"I'm not old enough. Pick, pick, pick. Laws change, Buffy. Don't you remember? And you chose this dress; the least you
can do is pretend to like it. Now get this on." She throws a hideous candy pink creation that I can only assume is a
bridesmaid's dress at me and looks as though she seriously expects me to wear it. "And get your ass down to the
church and make sure everything's great."
"Hey, hey, hey." I hold the dress up. "Dawn, please. Look at this. I mean, just look at it. And don't talk to me like that.
I'm still old enough to kick your ass."
She snorts derisively. "Yeah, Buffy. I'm soooo scared of the ex-Slayer."
"Ex?"
"Don't play dumb with me. You lost your powers, not your memory. You said you'd sort this, Buffy. Can you get to the
church now, PLEASE?"
-----
I walk into the church. It's creepy. You know how people are always saying churches are these places of great calm?
Like, they feel peaceful and relaxed in the prescence of God? Well, sometimes I can empathise with that, and
sometimes they just feel like big dead buildings. Devoid of feeling or warmth or anything. Cold stone does not a nice
atmosphere make. But in here, it's different. It feels different from that. Like there's this big shadow hanging over the
proceedings. A metaphorical monster preparing to take us out, one by one, and I can't do anything about it. Kind of like
a cancer, in a way, but I'm not going to think about that. Even though she should be here, on Dawnie's wedding day,
I'm not going to think about that.
There's a shuffle from the corner of the church and I spin round. Away from the pews. Stupid, really. Anything could be
hiding down there, but I can't fight it any more. So Dawn says. I'm not the Slayer any more. Just Buffy. Just a shell.
"Buffy?"
It's Angel. I knew it would be. "Angel," I say, acknowledging his prescence. Then something clicks in me. I don't know
why. It's like seeing Angel is the piece of the puzzle I've been missing. The jigsaw piece that's been hiding under the
sofa and I just dug it out. "You're her dark prince," I murmur.
"You knew I would be. I always have been."
I nod, but I can't think why. It seems the most inane thing to do because I didn't know he would be and I didn't know he
always has been. This is a complete new piece of information and my brain can't really register it... it's not even trying.
How can he always have been with Dawn? Wasn't he with me? And wasn't there a time when Dawn didn't exist? What is
this place? And how did I get here? "Always?... Angel, I-"
"Not now." The wedding march begins to play, but if I turn around, I'm only going to see empty pews. Rows and rows
of empty pews. Like death, in a weird way. Is death a row of empty chairs? Weird. "I'm getting married."
"You can't. There's no one here -"
"Everyone's here," he says simply. I turn around slowly and everyone's there, the pews are full and the monster is
leaning over the church with it's jaws wide open. Ready to snap. Everyone's looking at me expectantly, though exactly
what it is they expect I don't know. I didn't hear them come in. Dawn is at the altar and she looks radiant, but this is
just madness.
"Where did they -"
"No time now," Angel says, smiling at me and pulling me by the hand to the front of the church. "I'm getting married."
(2)
I stand behind Dawn at the altar. Scanning the church, I see Xander, Willow, Tara and Anya in the front row, with others - Wesley, Cordelia, even Oz - sitting behind. Strangely everyone is sitting on one side of the church. I don't understand that. Xander is asleep, his head on Anya's shoulder. Willow and Tara appear to have both dyed their hair black. Some kind of symbolism against this marriage? I'm with them on that one.
"Willow," I hiss. My voice echoes loud in the silent church. No one's watching me now. It's as if time has stopped. Dawn and Angel are engrossed in each other. The congregation are sitting calmly and waiting for the service to begin. They show no signs of having heard what I said. "What's going on?"
"Nothing," Willow says sweetly. "Well, except a wedding. That's kind of-"
"I'm serious. I woke up this morning and I'm not the Slayer, my sister's marrying Angel and everything's changed. I feel like Alice in Wonderland. This is crazy."
She touches my arm sympathetically and I feel like hurling her across the church. Although, of course, I can't do that now. "We knew you'd be upset. It's natural."
"I am not-"
"Dearly beloved." A voice booms loud and the congregation seem to sit up and pay attention for the first time. Then I notice all of them are wearing black. This is so strange. I turn around and nudge Dawn. "You can't start. Giles isn't here yet."
Dawn turns and gives me a painted, mannequin smile. "Oh, that old man," she says in a flat voice. "He said he was doing something important that we'd both like. I thought I would let him get on with it."
"Dawn, do you know what you're doing?" I want to scream. I'm Alice. I've fallen down a rabbit hole and any second now
I'm going to see a white rabbit and run after it like a lunatic.
"You're just jealous, Buffy." Still in that sickly little girl tone. "It's natural. Shall we start?"
The vicar clears his throat and at this point I know I've lost my mind. "Spike?"
"I'm trying to start," he says in annoyance. "This is my first big wedding. Don't go and cock it up." He coughs again. "Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today in the sight of God-"
"This is a church. You're vampires - both of you." I stab an accusing finger at the vicar and the groom. They look amused. I want to kill them. But I can't. I can't do anything. I have to sit back and listen to this rubbish -
"We got our humanity years back, luv. I'm a man of the cloth now."
"Since when? What's going-"
A shuffle, a scuff of shoes against stone flooring at the back of the church prompts me to turn. It's Giles, looking breathless and more than a little mad professor. He's clearly agitated and a little scared. "Dawn! Buffy! I've done it! I've ... I've finally brought her-"
I'll never know what he's going to say, I think, a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know he's dead before I even
run and kneel by his side. No one else moves. "Why aren't you helping?" I scream at them. They stare at me with dead
faces, dead eyes. "Somebody move!"
"Don't even think about it."
Oh. oh. Oh no. I recognise that voice, but it's not how it used to be. Colder. Harder... dead. I don't want to look up but
someone - God? Whistler? The PTB? - is holding an invisible string attached to the top of my head and yanks me up to my feet. "Mommy?"
"That's not your mother." Thanks, MENSA member. I can tell that much. It's Wesley and he's at my side. The only one with anything in his face other than death. "She's dead, Buffy. Don't touch her."
"I won't." But she's heading towards me, arms outstretched. I can see the decay, the parts of her face that are rotting and the rips and smears of dirt on her clothes where she's been under the ground. Oh. God. Giles resurrected my mother. Made her a zombie and now... now he's dead.
"It's over, Buffy," she cooes, still walking towards me. "Don't you know that? Just give it up. It's finished. You're nothing any more."
"I'm more real than you are," I choke out and she laughs at me.
"Are you?" she says simply, and the stake plunges down. I didn't even see it in her hand.
-----
I'm in one of those dreamless sleeps. It's not so bad. There are things I'd rather not dream about. I thought I was pretty far under. I mean, surfacing, it feels like it. Like I'm being pushed back. Swimming against a current. But I can hear the yelling quite clearly. And through a wall of unconsciousness and my bedroom door, that's pretty impressive.
"Buffy!... Buffy, you better not be asleep. Buffy!"
I struggle into a sitting position. "Wha?"
Wait. This has already happened. I've climbed out of the rabbit hole and walked into Groundhog Day. "Dawn?" I say carefully, slowly turning my head to look at her. She's in normal clothes. Thank God.
"You've been asleep all day, you nerd," she tells me. "I'm only fourteen, Buffy. I shouldn't have to do this stuff myself. I mean, sure, I'll need to learn for when I'm married, but I-"
"You're not getting married," I say in a panic.
"No, I'm not getting married. Of course I'm not getting married. What's wrong with you?" She tilts her head to one side and gazes at me curiously. "Did you dream?"
"Bad stuff," I say, nodding. "Let's not talk about it. I better get up."
I head into the bathroom and have to check there's nothing waiting to jump out on me from behind the door and cross to the sink. There's something white in there. A balled up wedding dress?
I poke it experimentally with my finger. The bloodied carcass of a dead white rabbit. A glassy eye staring at me, and a
message taped to the mirror.
DON'T FALL DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE.
I scream.