NEVER GROW
Spoilers: The Gift
Lyrics: From 'We Shall Not' by Jessica Laine
((We shall not grieve as we grow old))
"You have to stop doing this."
Touch the cold, cold granite. Trace the letters of her name with a shaking hand and know that she died for you.
"Stop what?"
She's under here, you know. If I kneel just a little to the left, I could dig a hole straight down to where she is. I was a part of her and she loved me. And I loved her and I let her die. What kind of a sister would do that?
"Stop coming here. It's not healthy."
She was always healthy. Hair like gold and a smile like sunshine. I was always so plain next to her. Nothing special next to my beautiful sister. But I was something special. I was a part of her and that, that must make me special. Mustn't it. My own warped brand of Dawn-logic, I suppose.
"To grieve?"
Is that my voice? So flat and so... dead, somehow. Lifeless. Like the rock. I run my hand over the smoothness. So cold and so good. Forbidden fruit. But it's a rock, how can it be fruit? Don't giggle, because Xander will tell you off. It's not healthy.
((Because we know))
"To keep coming here," he says again, more firmly this time. "You can't move on. You can't grow. It's okay to grieve, Dawn. Just - don't make this place a shrine. Don't make it your Mecca. That's not how it should be."
Xander, talking like a grown up. They say it takes a tragedy, well, well, well. I suppose he's right. I can't grow without Buffy. It seems almost like she's reaching up from the wooden box and holding my ankles down. Severing my roots so I can't ever blossom and grow. But how did I grow anyway? I'm not even real. She's real. but she's never going to grow any more.
"My Mecca."
Shrine to the goddess Buffy. Hail to her, our princess. Those who were saved should flock to her grave. that rhymes. Save, grave. Stupid. Because if you had been saved, why would you need a grave? I couldn't save her. I couldn't stop her. I'm just useless, practically orphaned, not-even-real sister killer Dawn.
((Procrastination shall be the thief of our time))
"Dawnie?"
"Don't call me that."
I don't want anyone to call me that since Buffy d- since she - I don't want anyone else to call me it except her. I'm a piece of her. Maybe they should call me Buffy. I'm all there is left of her now. "Hey, remember that time she died, and you saved her?"
Uncomfortable silence. Then - "Yeah."
"How come you didn't do it this time?"
((We shall not hurt))
"I-"
"It's okay. I know."
((Because we know))
I know Xander couldn't save her. Cause I'm the only one who could save her and I didn't. I should have stopped her. I should have thrown myself down instead. She didn't want her sister to die. But it's okay for me to be left behind to suffer? It's okay for me to stay here and wither, and never grow, and grieve? Hey, Buffy, when you think about it, what you did was really selfish.
((It's natural))
Selfish? Buffy? Hardly.
She saved the world. A lot.
((And so we grow))
Spoilers: The Gift
Lyrics: From 'We Shall Not' by Jessica Laine
((We shall not grieve as we grow old))
"You have to stop doing this."
Touch the cold, cold granite. Trace the letters of her name with a shaking hand and know that she died for you.
"Stop what?"
She's under here, you know. If I kneel just a little to the left, I could dig a hole straight down to where she is. I was a part of her and she loved me. And I loved her and I let her die. What kind of a sister would do that?
"Stop coming here. It's not healthy."
She was always healthy. Hair like gold and a smile like sunshine. I was always so plain next to her. Nothing special next to my beautiful sister. But I was something special. I was a part of her and that, that must make me special. Mustn't it. My own warped brand of Dawn-logic, I suppose.
"To grieve?"
Is that my voice? So flat and so... dead, somehow. Lifeless. Like the rock. I run my hand over the smoothness. So cold and so good. Forbidden fruit. But it's a rock, how can it be fruit? Don't giggle, because Xander will tell you off. It's not healthy.
((Because we know))
"To keep coming here," he says again, more firmly this time. "You can't move on. You can't grow. It's okay to grieve, Dawn. Just - don't make this place a shrine. Don't make it your Mecca. That's not how it should be."
Xander, talking like a grown up. They say it takes a tragedy, well, well, well. I suppose he's right. I can't grow without Buffy. It seems almost like she's reaching up from the wooden box and holding my ankles down. Severing my roots so I can't ever blossom and grow. But how did I grow anyway? I'm not even real. She's real. but she's never going to grow any more.
"My Mecca."
Shrine to the goddess Buffy. Hail to her, our princess. Those who were saved should flock to her grave. that rhymes. Save, grave. Stupid. Because if you had been saved, why would you need a grave? I couldn't save her. I couldn't stop her. I'm just useless, practically orphaned, not-even-real sister killer Dawn.
((Procrastination shall be the thief of our time))
"Dawnie?"
"Don't call me that."
I don't want anyone to call me that since Buffy d- since she - I don't want anyone else to call me it except her. I'm a piece of her. Maybe they should call me Buffy. I'm all there is left of her now. "Hey, remember that time she died, and you saved her?"
Uncomfortable silence. Then - "Yeah."
"How come you didn't do it this time?"
((We shall not hurt))
"I-"
"It's okay. I know."
((Because we know))
I know Xander couldn't save her. Cause I'm the only one who could save her and I didn't. I should have stopped her. I should have thrown myself down instead. She didn't want her sister to die. But it's okay for me to be left behind to suffer? It's okay for me to stay here and wither, and never grow, and grieve? Hey, Buffy, when you think about it, what you did was really selfish.
((It's natural))
Selfish? Buffy? Hardly.
She saved the world. A lot.
((And so we grow))