Make Love Not War

Chapter 1: Khirk

Disclaimer: Pffft. Like I would own any part of the Star Trek fandom.

Warning: Slash fic, implied (consensual) sex. Violence. Lots of violence because I like my Khan dangerous. Crack. Lots of crack. Because Kirk is fun when he's on crack. Also puns.

I woke up a couple days ago with a dream about Kirk and Khan (dunno where it came from, although I've been hankering to watch Into Darkness recently) and decided they were my new ship. Herein commences the crack, broken up into sections. Some are funny, some are just "what if?" scenarios I came up with while watching and fantasizing. This is going to end up the exact same as my "If Athrun Was a Flamer" fic. Each chapter will be based around a certain pairing with both crack and serious scenarios interspersed. Look forward to Spirk/Spork and McKirk soon~

We'll start with the serious stuff first:

Dude, I am so sorry

When Kirk sees Khan after everything goes down, he's terrified. As a result, he tries his best to apologize to the one man who has every reason to kill him…

So of course I watched the movie recently and decided…it is NOT a good idea to piss off Khan. Kirk gets a chance to apologize, and who knows what else~ (wink). Also, some events have been slightly altered, more for time-line's sake and for this moment to even happen. Consider it a deleted scene or something. So this is kind of like a…How it Should Have Ended thing…

"Dude, I am so sorry." Kirk blurted the first thing that came to mind when he stood face to face with Khan in the aftermath of the crash. Seconds later he winced at his own words. Definitely the wrong thing to say in the moment.

Khan growled, lurching forward, his rage zeroing in on the captain who dared to approach him. His crew was gone, his plans were ruined, his very existence was futile and this…this…blond little hotshot said he was sorry? Words did not contain the hatred he felt in that moment, nor could they have been used to explain to Kirk why exactly that was the worst possible thing to say to him.

"Shit…that came out badly." Kirk breathed, then flinched at the oncoming blows.

Kirk had a deep-seeded feeling of utter regret and fear. The moment he saw Khan, things changed. His emotions went haywire. The way the superhuman fought, his intelligence, his domination of anyone who dared to stand up to him got to him. Honestly, if he wasn't so pissed off about his mentor's death, he would've jumped the man's bones after he defeated the Kinglons.

I mean damn was that hot.

Kirk wasn't usually attracted to males, but every once in a while he saw something in a man that aroused his attention. Khan's searing hate and vengeance, the way he used and manipulated everyone around him, clever enough to have them following like puppies right into his hands, made Kirk shiver. Of course, the way those steel eyes glared into his brighter baby blues also brought a shiver to his spine.

So he knew, without a doubt, the way he handled the entire situation brought him to this point. It was his fault. He made horrible decisions because he didn't know what he was doing and didn't understand the man he was doing things to. He pushed Khan too far without even realizing it. He knew he should have never ordered Scotty to stun the man on the bridge of the Vengeance. Mistake number one.

Thinking about it now, if he could redo the entire take-over he would have trusted Khan just a little more—or at least wouldn't stab him in the back when they were all the most vulnerable. He wondered what would have happened if he just let Khan have his revenge on Marcus, if he would have went along with the man's plan just a few moments more. He knew Khan was using him in that moment, it was obvious even to him (and he had to admit, he wasn't too bright all the time). But deep down, he believed they could have been friends, if not allies.

They may even have a chance now. That is, if Khan stops beating his head in with his fist. It was another mistake on the long list of foolish things he has learned never to do again when it comes to Khan: confronting him when the superhuman was furious and unyielding. But he had a chance, and he had to take it.

"S-Stop Khan, just stop, wait!" Kirk cried out, trying to dodge or at least brace himself against the impact. "Just listen for a sec! Please!" he pleaded, holding up his hands in front of him. The universal sign for 'oh god please don't hurt me' otherwise known as surrender. His heart was beating wildly, breathing ragged and hitching, adrenaline pumping through his veins…and fear. Fear was everywhere. In his eyes, in his shaking limbs, screaming at him from his mind, in the way his legs just wanted to run far, far away from the danger in front of him.

Khan could see it. He relished this power over Kirk, but his anger would not subside. However, if Kirk wanted to say his last words, he would let him. "Make it quick." He spat, enunciating each word, fist poised to strike as he gripped the younger man's uniform.

"Okay, okay, I realize I began this whole conversation wrong." Kirk started.

"Wrong? You did everything leading up to this moment wrong." Khan replied, glaring down at the captain with loathing.

"I know, and I…I really am sorry." Kirk told him sincerely, realizing it wasn't enough but hoping it could calm the beast within Khan down enough for him to explain. He really wished he would have started this differently.

"Sorry? Sorry? Sorry for turning against me? Sorry for killing everything I ever loved and held dear, everything I would ever fight and die for? Or are you sorry for incurring my wrath, sorry for the millions of people I can and will kill after your cold corpse is left here when I'm through with you?" Khan seethed.

Kirk took a moment to control his emotions, both terrified and aroused. It was a bitch to deal with when Khan was so close, his eyes glowering down at him. "Um…both?" he replied honestly. "Look, I know I've made mistakes with you, and I have definitely learned what not to do. I should have never let Scotty stun you like that, it was wrong of me. And what Spock did with the torpedoes? Totally was not sanctioned by me, and I cannot apologize enough for that mistake. I understand your anger, and you have every right to hate me, but please…" he paused, unsure, "please just…know I didn't want any of this to happen, and I wish I could take it all back. I'm sorry, Khan."

"You're just saying that because you don't want me to kill you."

Kirk's face widened as he quickly responded, "True, that is very true." He held up a finger. "However…there are….other things you could do to me…" he suggested. His face heated up a bit at both his bravado and suggestion, but he kept his grin.

Khan blinked. "Like what?" he stated flatly.

Kirk squeezed his lips into a flat line and raised his eyebrows. His arms were raised in a shrugging motion. "Anything you want..?" he replied tentatively, unsure if it was a question or statement.

After a moment Khan's face began to shift and his grip loosened on Kirk's shirt. A grin began to spread across his face and Kirk finally thought this would be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

~0~

Kirk's head was shoved into the tub of water, held under by Khan's hand roughly squeezing the back of his neck. He tried to lift himself out, using his shoulders and pushing on the rim with his hands, but Khan was too strong. He held his breath for as long as possible, but water still filled his lungs. Right as his vision began to blur, he was pulled out of the water, soaked and taking a deep breath.

"This…is not…what…I meant." he said between breaths, still being held by Khan's grip.

"Tell me more." Khan growled.

"I already told you," Kirk panted, "everything I know." He looked at Khan, giving him his most sincere, innocent expression.

Khan snarled and threw Kirk aside, letting the man fall against the hard floor of the room. Kirk's head bounced and he winced, grabbing the back of his head. He brought one knee up, but he knew he wouldn't be able to stand for a while, so just lay there waiting and panting.

"They can't possibly send a captain as young as you out on a ship like the Enterprise with a full crew without so much as a word pertaining to your duties and missions." Khan said, pacing.

Kirk gave a half-shrug. "You heard Marcus, they don't tell me shit until it's already happening and I'm stuck in the middle of it."

Khan shot him a glare and continued pacing. After a moment he paused and turned to admire the view. Kirk was flat on his back, disoriented and in total surrender, just waiting for…

Suddenly the realization of Kirk's earlier implications dawned on him. Khan's mouth quirked into another grin as he strode over, then knelt over the young captain's body.

"Well, if I can't get any more information out of you, I may as well use you in other ways." He purred.

Kirk took a moment to digest those words, then began giggling like a madman.

Kirk shamelessly flirting with Khan

Because he's a manwhore and Khan is the bomb dot com. And there are so many reasons for this to have actually happened.

"Dayum, who's that hot piece of ass?" Kirk says in passing, turning around to admire John Harrison as they bring him onto the Enterprise, surrounded by security.

"Sir…that's the enemy." Spock replies, only barely hiding his confusion, annoyance, and anger at his captain.

Kirk stops. "Really?" he smirks. Eyebrows are raised in appreciation. "I'd tap that."

~0~

Captain Kirk saunters up to the cell holding Khan, who is glaring at him in a menacing pose. "Hey babe, how about you and me—,"

He is swiftly interrupted by Spock who slaps a hand across Kirk's mouth. "Ignore him. Please."

Kirk muffles something behind Spock's hand and Doctor McCoy sighs, shaking his head. Khan just stares.

Kirk eventually manages to push Spock's hand away and comes closer to the glass, gesturing to his body as he speaks. "Come ooooon I know you want this—,"

"Dammit Kirk! Can you not this time?!" He is interrupted again when Bones yells at him.

"Khan I? Khan I pleaaaaaase~" he begs.

The crewmembers nearby grab their heads and pretend to die, screaming and crying out at the awful pun and their Captain's behavior.

"Sir, I suggest you behave seriously in front of our captive. He may take you the wrong way." Spock tells Kirk.

"Oh I'm sure he'll take me the right way." He says with a wink, then laughs, "HAHA! SPADOOSH!" he crows his signature line with a crude gesture and walks away. "Kirk out! Yeah you watch this fine ass walk away!" he calls, pointing at said object of desire.

Spock's rage-o-meter is nearing its maximum, while Doctor McCoy puts his hands on his hips and faces Khan, who still is unsure what he just witnessed.

"Please, for the love of God, do not take anything he says or does with a grain of salt. Do not indulge him. Just ignore him and it'll stop eventually."

Khan raises an eyebrow.

McCoy points at the prisoner. "I cannot reiterate this enough: Do not engage the target."

Khan grins.

"Shit. We're fucked."

"I think you mean Kirk is fucked."

"SPADOOSH!"

~0~

Khan and Kirk are fighting side-by-side against the Klingons. Khan has multiple weapons at his disposal, with a particularly large shooter attached to his hip. Badass, as usual. Kirk is keeping up, but every time he looks around he sees Khan flying through the air, knocking down Klingons left and right or blowing through them.

"Damn that's hot!" Kirk exclaims.

Khan glances over with a confused look, wondering why the hell the Captain would find it appropriate to flirt with him in this setting.

Kirk shrugs. "Hey, I'm not afraid to admire you openly."

"Now isn't exactly the time." Khan replies.

"I can't help the fact that when you move like this it turns me on." He shrugs again. Khan gapes, almost missing a Klingon sneak up on him. Almost. Without even looking, still gaping at Kirk, he turns his gun to shoot the enemy behind him. "See, like that. That's hawt."

"Dear Starfleet this kid is a sexual deviant." Khan mutters under his breath.

"Hey so like, can you show me those moves later…when we're more…alone." Kirk asks as they continue fighting, wriggling his eyebrows.

Khan rolls his eyes, shoving Kirk down as he blasts the enemies who have formed a circle around them, taking them out in one swift move. Kirk squeals. "Do that again!"

My ship, my music.

Captain Kirk likes to play music over the Enterprise's speakers for the whole ship to hear. If that's not bad enough, he also likes to challenge random crewmembers to dance-offs at unpredictable times and places. Normally this is simply an annoyance, but it becomes completely embarrassing for the entire crew once Khan is on board and Kirk…doesn't…stop…dancing…

The latest hip beat is blasting over the speakers of the Enterprise to the crew's mild annoyance. While they are used to their Captain's antics, it still causes slight irritation when he decides to force them all to endure his immature behavior.

Particularly when the most dangerous enemy they have and probably will ever face is standing in the brig and looking up at the speakers with an appalled expression.

"Captain, must you continue this while Khan is on board?" Spock asks in a tired tone.

"Seriously man, this isn't the time." Bones McCoy adds, hands on hips.

Kirk is too busy dancing and ignores them, his movements random yet oozing with sexuality. The man can move. When he wants to. It's all in the hips. "I can't hear you over how awesome this music is!" he yells.

Spock and Bones sigh, then glance at each other with unnerved expressions.

Kirk stops and gasps. "Wait! I have a brilliant idea!" he says, a gleam in his eye.

"I don't like that look of mischief." Bones mutters.

"Neither do I, Doctor." Spock agrees. Again they share an odd look.

Kirk runs up to Khan's cell. "Hey, you're a 90's kid, right?"

Khan quirks an eyebrow. "Are you referring to the Eugenics Wars in—,"

"Yeah that, you remember that time?" Kirk asks impatiently.

"Of course, why?"

Kirk grins and holds up his hands. "Be right back!" he exclaims before taking off. He slides into the control room where the source of his music is playing and begins typing on the computer. After some time new music begins playing, specifically from that time period.

"Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is blasting and the entire crew pauses, wondering what sort of Hell their Captain has brought this time.

Khan's eyes widen and his mouth drops as Kirk runs back in. He's dancing. Horribly. "How do you like this? I thought maybe some 90's music would make you feel better. Am I doing these moves right?"

Khan is speechless, staring at the man who just succeeded in capturing him. Bones groans and Spock looks thoroughly confused.

"Wait, don't speak. I know just what you're saying." Kirk says, singing along to the lyrics of "Don't Speak" by No Doubt when it comes on next.

Khan face-palms. "I'm flattered, really, but this isn't necessary Captain." He never expected this kind of behavior from his enemy, he almost feels too sorry for him to kill him. Almost. If he keeps playing that damn music Khan just might bust out of his cell and kill him now.

"Come on Khan I need to know!" Kirk sings along to Marc Anthony's hit song, getting overdramatic with the movements and dance moves.

"This isn't happening." Khan breathes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I just wanted to talk, seriously just kill me now."

"Hey!" Kirk points at Khan with a more serious expression. "I challenge you to a dance-off."

"What."

"What? Kirk that's absolutely nuts!" Bone yells.

Kirk does a spin and begins breakdancing. "Whoomp there it is!"

"You cannot be serious." Khan mutters.

"Oh I khan though." Kirk replies as "Whoomp shakalaka shakalaka skakalaka!" plays in the background.

"You realize I am superior in every way, including dancing."

"Khan you dig it?"

Khan rolls his eyes before gettin' jiggy wit' it as Will Smith's classic song plays. He breaks out all the old dance moves, such as the sprinkler, vogue, hammertime, tootsie roll, the jump, and of course the jiggy as each song comes on. He also begins moonwalking at one point but Jim is too busy laughing on the ground to watch.

"Duuuude those are so laaaaaame!" he guffaws.

"Well it's better than that new-age shit you were doing earlier!" Khan snarls, offended at the way Kirk is mocking his culture.

Kirk gasps. "You take that back!" he exclaims, pointing.

Khan is about to lay down a devastating insult when the Backstreet Boys start singing. "Oh wait, this song is my jam!" he says and starts singing. "I want it that way~"

NC-17

Every time I look at the Enterprise I keep thinking it says NC-17 and now it won't leave me alone.

"Welcome to my ship, the NC-17 Enterprise." Kirk says to Khan by way of greeting.

Spock clears his throat and leans over to whisper in Kirk's ear, "The correct designation for this starship is the USS Enterprise NCC-1701, Captain."

"Right, what did I say?" Kirk replies.

"You just rated your ship as a movie for viewers seventeen and older, the close equivalent of porn in my time period." Khan answers.

"Oh…" Kirk says with a nod. "That too."

Spock sighs and places a palm across his face to hide the shame of having Kirk as his Captain.

Acting Out of Character

Kirk keeps messing up his line to Khan when he asks "Why did you allow me to live?" (inspired by this tumblr post: post/76725925879/basically)

"Why did you allow me to live?"

"Because you're hot as fuck." Kirk answers.

"Cut!" Spock yells, throwing his hands in the air. "Wrong line, Captain."

"Oh shit, sorry." He replies with a sheepish grin.

~0~

"Because you're fucking sexy as hell."

"Dammit man, you had one job!" McCoy yells at him this time.

Kirk shrugs, palms up. "What? Alright I'll do it again."

~0~

"Because when I saw you fighting those Klingons I got a raging boner."

"Jesus Kirk, ye cannae just say the wrong line every time!" Scotty shouts.

"Well gimme the script then so I can see the actual line!" Kirk exclaims and is thrown a script. He looks it over and frowns disapprovingly. "Well that's just stupid. Why would I say that?"

"Just do it ye sodding cod!"

~0~

"Because you so fine I wanna make you mine."

"Keptin, if you start vith ze singing again I vill stab you in the patushka!" Chekov screams. (1)

"Woah now, take it easy there." Kirk holds up his hands, backing away. The rest of the crew start inching away from the angry little Russian.

~0~

"Because you got a fine ass and there's no need to waste it."

The entire crew groans, sinking into their chairs or falling to the floor in agony. "Not agaiiiiiiin!"

"Clearly this fine specimen of superior humanity isn't getting the recognition he deserves!" Kirk yells back at them, gesturing to Khan who is standing with his arms crossed, completely amused yet confused as to this behavior.

Blood

Kirk thinks he's a superhuman after Khan uses his blood to revive the dead Captain. Oh how wrong he is and oh how stupid he looks trying to show off for the prisoner…

"Hey look at me everyone! Captain Superhuman, oh yeah!" the newly revived Kirk exclaims as he runs around the bridge. "I feel stronger and faster and even smarter! This is sweet! Oh look, I'm even using 90's slang!"

"Kirk, you do realize his blood didn't make you into the same thing as him, right?" Bones McCoy drawls.

"Of course it did! Isn't that how DNA stuff works?" Kirk replies and then waves Bones away. "Hey Spock, come on, let's go another round. I bet I can take you now." He says to the Vulcan and gets into a fighting stance, hopping from one foot to the other with his fists up.

Spock shakes his head slowly. "No thank you, Captain. I want no part of this." He holds up his hands in front of him.

"Aw c'mooooon!"

Spock makes an X with his arms and slashes them away. "None."

"Pfft, whatever, I know I can take you now." Kirk replies and walks off the bridge.

"Wait Kirk!" McCoy calls after him, running to catch up as he realizes where Kirk is heading next.

~0~

"Hey Khan let's go. I bet I'm as strong as you now." Kirk says, facing the cell where Khan is locked up.

"That's…not how it works, Jim."

"I dare you. Just hit me and I'll hit you back and it'll actually hurt this time." He gets into the same fighting stance as before.

"I'll still kick your ass, Jim."

Kirk begins punching and kicking at the air. "I'm so much faster now! Look at me go! You're not the only superhuman around here anymore, admit it, you're jealous!"

"Your motor functions and skills are the exact same as before, you're just imagining an improvement." Khan tells him.

"Then prove it."

"Fine, let me out of this cell and I will." Khan agrees with a small grin. 'This kid is so stupid I bet he'll actually let me out if he believes my blood made him similar to me.'

"Alright." Kirk accepts and starts punching in the code.

"Ohhhhh no ya don't!" McCoy comes running in, pushing Kirk away from the controls. He turns to Khan and wags a finger at him. "Not getting out that easily, mister."

Khan scowls, pouting.

Author's Note: That's….all I got for now haha! If you have other suggestions feel free to let me know in a review! This is something to slake your thirst after Sweet Dreams and Moments with Master. However, the next chapters will feature other pairings.

(1) Don't pretend you don't know this word clearly means "buttocks" in a Russian-esque language. In any case, that's how I use it to mean.