"…Aangel?"
A whisper of silk trickled across a moonlit patch of sheets and pillowed paradise. Xander had made the nest of warm comfort before, filling his bed with scents of his beloved. An old shirt, a jacket, the towel he'd used to dry his hair after their last shower together…..all had been spread out over the wrought iron bed that Angel had bought for them.
Before he'd abandoned Xander.
Before he'd disappeared.
A choked sob wrenched through Xander's throat, as dry as it had been yesterday and the day before, but there was nothing else to do. His tears were long spent, yet still he found a way to cry.
'Snivelling coward….'
Xander huddled deeper beneath the forgotten clothing, arms wrapped firmly around his head. He didn't want to hear it.
'You're wasting your time….'
No, nonononono!
'Do you really think he's coming back? For you?!'
Cruel laughter filled his mind as long dead doubts surged up to the forefront of his grief stricken mind.
'Ohh…poor Xan-deee…' it hissed, 'poor, weak little Xan-deeeee….did you really think he loved you?'
"Nooo…" Xander whispered, "Leave me alone!! Get out of my head!!"
'But Xandeee…I like it here. He tried to make me go away, he told you lies Xandeee. You know the truth. You know it, don't you?'
"…no…" he tried desperately to hold onto sanity, but he could feel his grasp slipping with every poisoned word. Only his love kept him alive, but without his beast's strength, it was a losing fight.
'That's right Xandeee….without him, you're nothing. Worthless. Why not let it go? Why not give in to me? I can make the pain go away too you know….'
That was what he wanted, right? An end to this pain? Oh God, what was he saying? He couldn't give up so easily, could he?
'But it'll be so easy Xandeee…I'll make it easy. I'll make it good, just like he was supposed to. Remember Xandeee? Remember how much he hurt you?'
But it was an accident…Angel would never…
'How can you be sure Xandeee? Why believe anything he said? He lied to you, he said he wouldn't leave you, he'd never leave, never let you go….'
It was true. He did say that, and now Xander was alone, all alone again…
'Shhh….it's okay Xandeee…I'll make it all better…you'll see….it only hurts for a second, remember? Just let go Xandeee…'Yes, he could do this. One last fall and then it'd all be okay. One little cut. But he'd told Angel he wouldn't, he'd promised…but Angel wasn't here now, was he? Angel couldn't stop him, not anymore…Angelll….
'That's it Xandeee….let it all go…watch your pain flow away….'
Xander lifted the razor and sliced.