Symphony Distorted
At times Olivia Benson felt that her life consisted of nothing more than a series of battles, some small and others huge, the most recent being her removal from SVU. She'd come through this latest fight largely unscathed, with both herself and Tucker being cleared of any wrongdoing and reinstated to their respective positions, but there had been one unexpected casualty: her friendship with ADA Barba. The last time she'd spoken to him as a friend, and not as a Lieutenant seeking guidance on a case, they'd had words - and not the good kind. When she'd disclosed her relationship with Ed Tucker Barba's reaction had been pretty much what she'd been anticipating: disbelief, disappointment and then anger. Worse than that, he'd then passed that information on, causing both her and Tucker to be removed from the investigation into a sex trafficking ring. She'd been angry about that even though she knew that it wasn't personal, that he'd done it because he'd had to. His job - his integrity and the integrity of his office - was important to him. At least, that's what she'd believed until some information had been passed her way earlier in the day that suggested otherwise. It was the same news that had her making the journey to his office. Knocking twice on the door she opened it without waiting for an invitation, finding him seated behind his desk. "Hey," she greeted, making sure to close the door behind her.
Barba, his suit jacket and vest abandoned and tie loosened, a state of undress that wasn't unusual for him when he wasn't in the public eye, glanced up briefly at her before returning his attention to the file splayed out on his desk. "Please don't tell me there's another problem with the witness."
Ignoring his statement entirely, she walked further in to the room, coming to a stop in front of his desk, the ornate piece of furniture and a chair acting as a buffer between them. This was the second case they'd worked together since her reinstatement and Barba had been nothing but professional, even telling her he was pleased that she was back with SVU; she'd expected nothing less from him but it meant that she'd had to follow suit when, really, she was still harbouring a grudge about his part in her removal from her unit. They'd fallen out a few times recently but usually all that had been required was a little bit of time. This should have been no different and she had been thinking about offering an olive branch when she'd learnt of his intentions. "I've just heard that you've requested a transfer," she said accusingly.
He sighed, dropping his pen and sitting back in his chair, his gaze finally meeting hers, "That's right."
When she'd stormed over here, having stewed over the news all afternoon, she hadn't been sure what his response would be. But she had been hoping for a denial, for him to say that it had just been some misunderstanding, that he wouldn't just up and leave without telling her. Previous experience meant that she really should have known better and his calm, almost nonchalant, confirmation caused all the anger she'd been trying to tamp down to erupt. If she'd paused for thought she might have reconsidered saying something that sounded so hypocritical given that she'd stood in this very office not so long and disclosed her relationship with Ed only because circumstances had forced her to. But she barrelled on instead, "You weren't going to tell me?"
"I thought I'd wait until I absolutely had to."
Sometimes she hated it when he raised a point that she was quite happy to ignore. This was no exception but she supposed that she might just deserve the biting remark. It was only in that moment that she considered the situation from his point of view; he'd thought that they were friends too and was probably just as angry with her for not confiding in him. She'd probably doubled that anger by putting him in a tight spot when she'd let him tell her all about the investigation into Tucker. Maybe he was a better friend to her than she was to him but that was a confession she wasn't prepared to make. Gripping tightly on to the back of the chair in front of her she made an effort to tamp down the anger still swirling through her veins, "Is that what this is all about? Just because I didn't tell you about Tucker?"
"Not everything's about you, Liv," he replied but his tone wasn't as cutting as it had been just moments before.
"Then what is this about?" Exasperation had now replaced anger, mostly because her ego had just taken a hit, but her hands still clung on to the chair, her knuckles white.
There was a slight shrug before he answered and coupled with the fact that he seemed to take a long moment to consider his reply when he had remained calm throughout made her think that his response wasn't entirely truthful, "I never intended to stay this long. It feels like the right time to move on."
She remembered the brash, confident and ambitious Rafael Barba she'd met all those years ago and, back then at least, she wouldn't have been surprised if he'd used SVU - and its high profile cases - as a stepping stone to something bigger and better. But he'd stuck around, had started to fight for their victims as much as for glory in the court room, and had even listened when she'd shared her years of experience with special victims. Any political ambitions he may have held had been damaged by taking on cases they couldn't win, institutions they couldn't change and the higher ups who held too much sway. The last year alone had ticked all those boxes and she knew he'd taken as much heat, if not more, as she had in the process. Maybe he was just cutting his losses while the going was relatively good. If that was the case then he deserved to hear something that she should have said earlier in the conversation - and perhaps even before then. Releasing her hold on the chair she took a seat on it instead, shaking off the last remnants of her anger.
"I should have stopped you from telling me about the investigation into Tucker," she began, holding up a hand to silence him when it looked like Barba was about to interrupt. "And I probably should have told you about my relationship with him before then but…" Her train of thought went crashing into the barriers at that point. The truth was she'd have been happy never disclosing at all. Half of NYPD hated Tucker and she hadn't been looking forward to the response, especially from Barba. Deep down, she'd always acknowledged that the whole thing was slightly absurd; for years she hadn't been able to utter Tucker's name without a growl or stop a scowl from appearing on her face when he turned up to put SVU through the wringer once again. But Ed had mellowed over the last couple of years and it'd felt good to be appreciated as a woman and not just a cop or a friend or even a Mom. He had cared, too; after the incident at the townhouse he'd checked in on her, had made sure that she was okay, had comforted and encouraged her in a way that hadn't felt like pity. And she'd needed that.
A flicker of something crossed his face but it was gone before she could identify it. "It was none of my business," Barba said, finishing the sentence for her.
She stilled, unable to confirm or deny what he'd assumed. In a way he was right but she'd told him so many things about herself that it shouldn't have been such a big deal. Maybe the real reason she'd been reluctant to disclose had more to do with her lack of commitment to the relationship than anything else. As hard as she tried, she couldn't picture a happy ending with Ed. It wasn't that she expected the relationship to fail at some point, though she did have previous for that, it was just that every time she thought about her future there was an entirely different man in it - and he was about to leave her.
Her initial assessment of Rafael Barba had gone deeper - or shallower, she supposed - than just his character; she'd thought he was attractive from the start but she'd been with Brian and, to be honest, Barba had argued enough with her to take the sheen straight off. That hadn't lasted though and, for a while, after Brian had long gone, she'd thought that something just might happen with Barba. But, as close as they were, which was apparently close enough for other people to comment upon, he didn't seem to see her as anything more than a friend. She'd come to accept that because she valued their friendship and she liked working with him but, even now, a part of her still wanted more. When Ed had shown an interest she'd figured it was a chance for her to move on once and for all. It wasn't working as well as she'd hoped and now that everybody knew about their relationship the thrill of sneaking around, of secret meet ups, had gone too. She didn't know what lay ahead for them but she did know which man she'd rather have in her life. "Don't go."
It was there again, that flicker of an emotion running across his face. "I can't stay," he said, his tone was gentle but final.
The determination on his face confirmed that was it: the conversation was over - most likely their friendship too. He'd finish their current case, would likely remain professional to the very end, but then he'd be gone and she'd never see him again. "Okay," she whispered as she stood. She wasn't going to beg. She wasn't even going to be truthful. The only thing she was going to do was go home, kiss her son goodnight, sink slowly into a bottle of wine and ignore whatever Ed had to say about it.
A/N I bashed this out in a couple of hours and it probably shows. Sorry. I usually don't finish anything I start - never mind publish - but, believe it or not, this was kind of therapeutic for me. Not so long ago I'd have hated this happening but now I really want Barba to go. If he does leave then I can stop watching the show because he's the only reason I'm sticking with it through all this Benson/Tucker nonsense. Benson's made some questionable decisions over the years but Tucker? He might not seem like such a jerk these days but he's still a scrawny old dude who smokes and then litters. Ugh. It wouldn't be so bad if it was all happening 'off-screen' but it feels like he's being rammed, quite unnecessarily, into everything.