Disclaimer: We two authors are at least 100 United-States-ian, and thus claim no resposibility for the inaccuracies as far as British things go. Actually, we claim no resposibility period, and are not liable in cases of insanity, death, or hot-air balloons. We would say that we don't own Harry Potter, but we think that goes without saying.
Authors' Note: Please review! We have plenty more chapters where this came from, but we want to see if people like it first. This was written by trading off every paragraph or two or so. Because we could.
Sirius had a great idea for Christmas: Secret Snogging. It would be like Secret Santas, only with snogging! There was only one problem. How would he make sure people didn't draw their own gender? Actually, there was another problem. He didn't know any girls in his year aside from Lily. Actually, he knew some girls…in a way…just not their names. But then James walked into him. Literally. Because James was now a ghost. Just kidding! Anyway…so, Sirius quickly decided to ask James the names of all the girls he, Sirius, had ever snogged. James was better at remembering that sort of thing.
So then Sirius explained the Secret Snog idea to James.
"Brilliant idea!" said James, "but how will we keep people from drawing their own sex?"
"Heehee, you said sex," said Sirius immaturely.
"Oh, do shut up," yelped James ominously.
"Sex..." drooled Sirius.
"I know you want to get some, mate, but at least you've had a few good snogs. Remember?"
"But I got my memory wiped. That's why you have to memorize the name of every girl I've snogged. Let's go lasso us a girl!"
"Or at least Moony, so he can figure out the best way to do this Secret Snog thing."
Just then, they lassoed Remus. And also Remus walked by.
"Arrr!" growled Sirius.
"We're not pirates!" exclaimed James.
Just then, Moony finally realized that he was being lassoed, and said, "Hey," in a bored drawl.
So they told Moony about the Secret Snog, and he helped them.
"Well the first thing to decide will be are you going to do it so everyone draws a name, and each person gets kissed twice, or so one gender puts their names in, and the other draws, so everyone only kisses once?"
"Well, if we did one draw, then we'd have to pick which gender draws which, and whichever we chose, it would look sexist. Let's do two snogs," said James reasonably.
"Bacon!" cried Sirius unreasonably.
"The next choice is do you want to have a different hat, or whatever we pick names from, for each gender, or something like different colored papers for each gender?" asked Remus.
"I like coloured papers!" said Sirius.
"Well…whatever Sirius says goes…NOT!" said James. "But let's go with the coloured papers anyway."
"How are you going to announce it?" asked Remus, "and with that thought, I will leave you, for I need to do my Divination homework."
"Ugh, dream journals," said James. "We should probably work on those too."
"But we aren't going to, are we?" asked Sirius unnecessarily.
"Nope!"
"What's up?" asked Peter, walking up. And by up, I do not mean that he was gaining in elevation, merely that he was approaching.
"Remus is going to do his homework!" James explained, deliberately leaving out the Secret Snog, as he wanted to keep it secret.
"Okay. By the way, do you think I should get Moony the deluxe edition, leather-bound copy of Hogwarts, a History?" queried Peter.
"You mean for the Secret Snog?" blurted Sirius.
"Okay," started James to Sirius, "first of all, you just revealed our secret, and secondly – what! I don't get it. Why would you give someone a present for the Secret Snog?"
"Secret…Snog?" was all Peter could manage.
"Nothing, nothing," said James hastily.
"Oh, alright then," Peter said naively.
"So what do you think of my present idea for Moony?"
"Er…lovely," said James. "Bye! Got to go make up stuff for Divination!" And he and Sirius left, leaving Peter wondering why they were actually doing their homework.