AN: This takes place immediately after the ending of 3.10. I have no idea where this one came from-it kind of wrote itself and I have no idea what to think about it. Apologies if Stefan and/or Elena seem out of character; they're both difficult to read right now. Feedback would be most appreciated.
Elena couldn't stay in her house; she couldn't bring herself to talk to Jeremy (already she's regretting the decision to have him compelled, but it's for the best, it has to be) and Alaric needed to rest. Actually, Alaric should probably still be in the hospital, but there's no way in hell he'd agree to that. It's also not just her inability to talk to Jeremy and Alaric. She can't look at the front hall without seeing Alaric's battered body, can't look at the front door without seeing Jeremy coldly behead the hybrid with a meat cleaver. Her little brother a killer. She's right in sending him away, in making him forget. Isn't she?
Then there's the whole matter of the front porch and Damon's kiss. The kiss she didn't stop and she had absolutely no fucking clue what to think about either the kiss or her reaction; she doesn't want this, she doesn't want to be another Katherine, another girl caught between the brothers. A selfish girl who only thinks of herself. That's not who she is. Right?
Right now she can't be with anyone because that person, human or vampire or hell, even an elf, would surely wind up dead or broken.
Despite the darkness and possibility of running into a couple of angry Originals, Elena left the house, pausing on the sidewalk because she had no idea where to go. She didn't want to talk to Caroline because that would probably involve talking about Tyler, which wouldn't be good for either of them; she didn't want to head over to Bonnie's because she'll just wind up crying and she can't cry anymore today. If she started again she'd never stop. Matt? He had to stay out of this. Tyler? No way. Damon? Hell no.
Sometimes she would go to the Salvatore house and just hide in Stefan's room. She felt comfortable there, safe and secure. She'd been loved in that room, on his bed or at the desk, and just being in the room brought so much back. The bed, for instance, held a million memories, ones that made her blush, remembering Stefan's lips on her breasts and stomach, their bodies intertwined. Waking up with him, his arms wrapped tightly around her, his face buried in her hair, the feeling that she was loved and cherished. Softer memories too, sitting on the bed talking with him and playing with his hand, watching Stefan's face light up with a smile.
She couldn't go there tonight.
Slowly, Elena began to walk, not knowing where she was going until she was halfway there and then she almost stopped and turned around. She really was totally out of her fucking mind.
The old, run-down house didn't look any more appealing in moonlight. It looked like a haunted house out of a very cheap horror movie, a place where some angry spirit would attack the inevitable foolish group of teenagers that attempted to stay there overnight, leaving only one, perhaps two, alive to see the dawn. Still, despite its foreboding exterior, Elena strode in, carelessly letting the door slam, noisily stomping through the house because she did not care about being quiet or polite. The room with the coffins was still as creepy as it had been before and she slowed down, eyeing them curiously, wondering about the creatures inside them. If Klaus cared so much about his family, why dagger them and stick them in coffins? Gingerly she touched one coffin, half-expecting it to burn her hand or have some sort of protection spell; she wondered whose coffin this was, which unfortunate family member rested inside. Suddenly she got that feeling that she wasn't alone and looked around the room.
He was so still and silent in the corner that she looked over him at first. Stefan watched her, his face blank and unreadable; it had been like that for too long and Elena hated it.
"What are you doing here?" he asked quietly.
Elena shrugged. "No idea."
Stefan kept staring at her and Elena felt like he was studying her, figuring out how exhausted and broken she was; before all this all it just would have taken him a second to look at her and instantly he'd be there, holding her and kissing her, calming her with gentle fingers and calming words, making her feel like things would somehow be okay. He'd trace her tearstained face and whisper that he loved her.
Now Stefan just sat in the chair, taking in her tearstained face and doing nothing.
"Alaric's all right, in case you cared," Elena stated flatly, biting her tongue to keep from adding If you still care about anything.
"I had Damon compel Jeremy; he's going to forget about all of this and I'm sending him away from her," she's babbling now. "It's the only thing I can do to protect him - he killed a hybrid tonight, did you know that? Chopped off its head with a fucking meat cleaver. He was so...calm about it. I had to scrub the blood off the porch and I'm pretty sure I didn't get it all and then I had to wash the cleaver. I should just throw it away. I can't deal with this, Jeremy should not be so calm about killing someone and I, I have to protect him. He's my brother, I have to save him."
She looked steadily at him. "You know something about protecting brothers, don't you Stefan?"
Stefan merely watched her, his gaze steady. Was it just the weak light or was there something in his eyes, some kind of emotion other than blankness and disdain?
"Damon told me," Elena said. "He told me that you saved him. Again."
Stefan shifted slightly, not saying a word.
"Klaus was going to have the hybrids kill Damon if he died, so you saved Klaus to save Damon," Elena rubbed her eyes. "So now you're getting your revenge, hurting Klaus's family because he hurt yours.
"He told me," she paused. "And then he kissed me. And I-I didn't push him away. I didn't really kiss him back, but..."
If she'd been expecting a reaction from Stefan, she'd have been disappointed, but somehow she had known that he wouldn't react.
Elena sighed and slide to the ground, not caring about dust and bugs. Stefan looked at her and she looked at him and it was nothing like before; before when a single look between them could communicate so much passion and desire and love.
"When Damon told me about you saving him, I felt so relieved," she whispered. "Because you didn't betray us. You're still you, Stefan. You still care about Damon, you still love him. You still do everything you possibly can to protect him. Despite everything you're still you, the Stefan who loves and cares about others, who tries so hard to do the right thing. I had almost stopped hoping that it could happen, that you could still care, and I'm so fucking relieved to know the truth."
"And then you kissed Damon," Stefan spoke roughly.
"He kissed me," Elena half-yelled and sighed. "Why are you doing this, Stefan? You're just antagonizing Klaus and that's the one thing we do not need."
"He took everything from me," Stefan hissed. "Everything, Elena. My freedom, my humanity, my relationships. He tried to take my brother away, he killed you. Because of him you and I...why the fuck shouldn't I hurt him?"
He sprang up from the chair, furiously kicking the chair and one of the coffins before he stopped, exhaling softly, clearly trying to calm down. Once he was calmer he sat on the ground besides Elena. "I just want to make him suffer a little."
Elena looked at him carefully. Stefan wasn't the impulsive one (except for spontaneous dates and getaways); he normally was careful about everything he did, analyzing consequences and possibilities, and she wasn't sure if that had changed. Sure, the revenge motive was completely plausible, if disheartening and ugly, but something seemed off.
Suddenly it came to her and it's so obvious she doesn't know how she didn't see it before.
"It's his weakness," Elena murmured. "Klaus is practically invincible so you're using his family because that's the one weakness you know about, and maybe you'll find others or answers or something. Getting even is just a bonus."
Stefan raised an eyebrow, a slight smirk on his face.
"Does Damon know about this?" Elena demanded. "He does, doesn't he? And you two are just going to keep secrets from me again?"
"Because keeping you safe is so wrong," Stefan muttered.
"You're not keeping me safe, you're keeping me sheltered and that might actually be more dangerous," argued Elena.
Stefan shrugged. "Besides, do you really think you're tough enough? Threatening people, playing dirty-that doesn't seem like your style."
Elena gave him a cold stare. "I hate Klaus as much as you do, Stefan. He killed Jenna, he's threatened my friends, he killed me. He took you away and turned you into a monster. I hate him, but I can't have him hurt anyone I love. Which he will if you keep doing this."
Stefan closed his eyes briefly and then looked away from her, his voice harsh and low as he said, "Maybe. Maybe not."
She kicked him. It wasn't the most sophisticated attack, but her boot making sharp contact against his leg certainly got her point across. He winced slightly and gave her a look of disbelief.
"Don't you care? Klaus is going after the people I love, the people you used to care about. Jeremy could have died today. Why don't you just give him what he wants, then maybe he'll leave us alone-,"
"He'll still need you, Elena," Stefan interrupted. "He'll want to expand his hybrid army and he needs your blood to do that. Even if he gets his family back he won't stop hurting people."
She froze, remembering the glee on Klaus's face when he had discovered that her blood would solve the whole hybrid problem; she had vague, blurry memories of waking up in the hospital with an IV that drained her blood while a nurse blithely looked on. The human blood bag.
Elena felt exhausted. Curling her legs to her chest, she whispered, "We have to kill him."
"Very true," Stefan commented. "If only we could."
"We mix vervain and wolfsbane in a bomb and throw it at him, shot him with stakes and wooden bullets, cut off his head, set the body on fire," Elena stated bluntly. "If that fails, we use a fucking rocket launcher." Why was it so easy to think about killing Klaus? It actually felt kind of good to think about the many ways of hurting Klaus and she felt chilled, remembering how unaffected Jeremy had seemed by killing someone.
Stefan actually laughed, a hard, harsh bark that didn't resemble his old laughter. "Okay, Buffy. And when that fails?"
Elena kicked him again. "I don't know Stefan, I'm trying okay? Sorry if I'm not so good at torturing people."
"You used to be pretty good at it," Stefan murmured. "One form of it, anyway."
Some clothes already lay on the floor. They rolled around on the bed, playfully kissing and then Elena shoved Stefan off of her, a smug smirk on her face as she pounced. Slowly she began kissing his chest, her hand brushing lower and lower, her lips following, her tongue tracing the waistband of his jeans while Stefan gripped her hair.
"Want me to stop?" Elena whispered, bringing her face back to his. She pulled her shirt off, revealing a lacy black bra that she knew was one of his favorites and pressed against him.
"Are you kidding?" Stefan groaned. "Never stop. Ever."
Grinning, Elena's legs slid to either side of his and she began again, kissing his tattoo, working her way down his chest, unzipping his jeans, giving Stefan the slowest and sweetest possible torture.
Elena shook her head, aware of how easy she was to read, a tall-tale blush staining her cheeks. "Who's in the coffins, anyway?" she asked. She needed to talk, to get the images and memories out of her mind. "Which family members?"
"No clue," Stefan shrugged. "Not Rebekah."
Rebekah. "Before the dance I staked Rebekah," Elena admitted.
Stefan looked at her. "Well done."
"And today I showed Klaus where she was," she finished and Stefan gave her a disbelieving look, a what? and you-have-got-to-be-fucking-joking rolled into one. "I made a deal with him, Rebekah for Jeremy."
"Ah, a deal with Klaus. Not something I'd recommend," Stefan commented.
"Yeah, well, I also told Klaus that Rebekah now knows that Klaus killed their mother and she helped lure him back here, so I have no idea what's going to happen with them," she shrugged. "To be honest, I'm not sure I care."
Stefan laughed again. "Elena Gilbert, are you trying to drive a wedge between such devoted siblings?"
"He'd just threatened the people I love again," Elena protested. "I was angry."
"Yeah, he pulls the threatening people card a lot. Angry, huh?" Stefan smiled. "Maybe we should get you angry more often.
Another memory. They're heatedly arguing about something, a silly argument that neither of them remember how it started. They're staring at each other, eyes intense and cheeks flushed, angry and furious, Elena breathing heavily. Suddenly they weren't yelling, they were kissing, ripping off clothing and fucking against his bedroom door, kissing and biting and thrusting hurriedly. Later they're crashing into furniture and land on the floor, lips bruised and still kissing, still embracing; they lay wrapped up in a rug and laugh about make-up sex.
Elena looked at the man sitting besides her, the man she's no longer sure she recognized. He's harder, harsher, darker; his smiles were more like smirks and not the kind he always had after sex, his eyes were glittering but not with passion or caring. He's cold and angry, distant even though he's right next to her.
"What happened, Stefan?" she whispered. "You have your humanity back, but...you're..."
"I nearly killed you," Stefan looked at her. "I smiled at you and tore into your neck. I listened to you screaming at me to stop and I kept on drinking. I listened to your heartbeat fading and I didn't stop. I didn't care if I killed you. Do you know what that feels like? Do you know how many people I killed and tortured? I don't even know all of their names, I can't tell you how many people I hurt, families I broke apart.
"I can't go back to who I was, I can't be that person again. That Stefan would never be able to deal with the guilt. He wouldn't be able to live."
Elena's the still and silent one this time, unable to breathe as she listened to him. Everything was too close all of a sudden-the walls were closing in and the emotions inside her were in danger of erupting and she can't let herself cry, not in front of him, not in front of anyone-
"Breathe Elena," Stefan's voice broke through the storm brewing inside of her. "Breathe."
She can't though, and she was gasping now, choking, unable to breathe, unable to think.
Stefan's hands held her face, making her look at him. "Breathe," he told her again and demonstrated, large, deep breaths, the kind he made when he was trying to calm down. She covered his hands and kept them there as she copied him; slowly she settled down, breathing normally again and still she kept holding his hands. They're staring at each other and they were so close, so fucking close, his lips were right there-
Suddenly Stefan pulled away, shaking. "Better?" he asked, his voice thick and hoarse.
Elena closed her eyes. "Do you care?"
Quietly, he told her, "I try not to-it would be so much easier if I didn't. But I.. I do. Care about you."
That just made everything worse, broken her already shattered heart into a million more pieces. "I told Damon we would let you go," Elena muttered, trying to keep her voice steady although unshed tears made her voice heavy. "When we thought you betrayed us by saving Klaus. I told myself that you were gone, that the man I love-loved-love was gone and I had to let him go. But-I thought I meant it and I tried, I tried to forget you, to let you go, but I don't know if it's possible for me to stop caring, to let you go."
Admitting that to him, to herself, made Elena feel weak and stupid, like she was a foolish girl living in a dream world; one were she could get over him drinking from her and not caring about her screams, one where they could somehow patch up their relationship, reunite and become stronger than ever. She had no idea if that could happen, if she wanted that to happen. She's not sure of anyone right now.
"I'm not that person anymore," Stefan finally said. He didn't look at her, maybe he couldn't look at her. "They guy you crashed into that first day of school? I don't know if I can be that person anymore."
Elena bit her lip. "The girl who crashed into you? She's gone too."
"I don't think that's true," Stefan looked at her.
"I don't know if it's true for you either," Elena admitted. They met each other's eyes and quickly glanced away, both alarmed by what they saw. Hope. Love. Desire.
More silence, less awkward now. Elena hugged her knees to her chest, leaned her head down and fought against closing her eyes. "Whatever happens, I have to protect the people I love," she said tiredly. And that includes you. If she was brave she'd admit that, but maybe he already knew and she glanced at him.
"I know," Stefan told her softly. She felt him shift besides her, felt his hand hovering over her shoulder but it didn't rest there-he almost seemed afraid of touching her; for a brief moment she saw him, really saw him, exhausted and defeated and just trying to make it through, but then the mask came over his face again.
They sat there together in the dark room, unable to look at each other.
"Mmm," Elena sighed, curling against Stefan. She loved feeling his arm around her waist. "I have no idea what that movie was about."
Stefan smirked and hugged her close. "Me either."
"You distracted me," Elena lazily smiled up at him and he laughed. "I think it was the other way around, love."
"Oh really," Elena climbed on top of him. "Really, it was my fault?"
Stefan flipped them over, lips already on her neck. "Really."
They kissed and caressed, became entangled in the sheets and within each other, clothing falling away and it's them, Stefan and Elena, lips locking and bodies moving, the rest of the world fading away.
Later the sheets were pooled at the foot of the bed and thy were still wrapped together, legs and arms tangled together, still kissing, long and slow kisses; any moment now the kisses wouldn't be enough and they would start again.
"I love you, Stefan," Elena murmured, her eyes hazy and full of love. "Always."
"I love you, Elena," Stefan kissed her harder. "Always."
AN: So yeah. I have a couple more fics to post. Also, there have been some questions about continuations of other fics (notably Wish I Could Have Saved You and Messages) and I actually have been planning on continuing those. I'm just having difficulties actually writing them-apologies!