"Damn you're hot Sirius!"
Both Remus Lupin and James Potter opened the curtains to their respective beds simultaneously, looked at one another, then sighed as they spied their dark haired friend in front of the mirror.
"Is Sirius hitting on himself...again?" James asked, his eyebrow quirked at Remus.
"I'm going back to my book before he starts snogging his own reflection," Remus sighed.
Sirius Black blew the mirror a kiss and bounded over between his mates' beds, grabbing the curtains before either could successfully retreat.
"Come on, I look bloody fantastic, don't I?" Sirius grinned, flopping down beside Remus.
"What's the occasion?" James asked, avoiding his friend's question.
"Well if you must know, I'm off to my date with Bertha," Sirius gloated, propping himself up on his elbows and wiggling his eyebrows at James.
"Bertha Jorkins? But she's…"
"Kind of an idiot?"
"Remus, that's rather harsh!" Sirius cried, his agast tone so over the top you would never have known that just last week he himself had called Bertha 'one Keeper short of a Quidditch team.'
Both boys gave Sirius a look before he ceded his case with a shrug of his shoulders.
"Well I'm obviously not after her for her brains, now am I?" he replied, shoving into Remus's shoulder playfully.
Remus simply ignored his friend and turned the page of his book, hoping Sirius would take the hint. He didn't.
"Really Moony, have you seen how nicely her sweater fits these days?"
Remus ignored him once again, but James made an approving noise which got both boys talking about which girls had filled out best over the summer before seventh year.
Attempting not to roll his eyes yet again, Remus stared at his book, though his thoughts were far from the words on those pages. For Remus had a problem, a problem which could only be categorized as a very long term, one sided love of Sirius Black.
Remus knew it was stupid. Stupid and hopeless. But he, nevertheless, had had feelings for Sirius for much longer than he cared to reminisce. For years he'd tried to pinpoint the exact moment he'd fallen for his best friend, yet try as he might, nothing came to mind. And yet everything came to mind. The way Sirius was always there for him, whether it was after a full moon, when he bolted up in bed after nightmares of Greyback shocked him from sleep, or simply when they were bored and Sirius would rest his head on Remus's thigh as he studied. Sirius had been the first to discover Remus's lycanthropy, and the first to accept him. The other boy did not even hesitate for a moment before wrapping Remus in a hug he thought he would never experience again after his terrible secret was uncovered. And it was Sirius who discovered they could become Animagi, Sirius who had worked so hard through 5th year to become the first to transform, the first to keep him company during the horrors of the full moon.
From the moment Sirius had sat beside him on the Hogwarts train first year, Remus was entranced. Without a second thought, Sirius had thrown an arm around the shy eleven year old Remus and introduced him to James, his newly appointed best friend of all of eighteen seconds, and proclaimed them to be the future kinds of Hogwarts. Although Remus quickly abdicated his imaginary throne in favor of playing advisor- and infuriatingly even queen mother- to the two troublemakers, he had never felt more welcomed and loved in his entire life. And though he treasured both of them, there was just something so special, so charismatic and alluring about Sirius, that Remus was always drawn to his side. He never wished it to grow to more, for his feelings of friendship to develop into an affection he dare not give name to. Yet he had no control over it. He loved Sirius Black.
A boy who was completely and utterly oblivious to it all as he sat beside Remus, talking animatedly of the newly endowed ladies of their school.
"Don't you have a date to get to?" Remus pointed out, still not looking up from his book. As much as Remus hated pushing Sirius into another's arms, it was much worse to hear about the many womanly charms that enticed Sirius, charms he would obviously never possess.
"Well would you look at the time boys," Sirius said as he bounded from the bed, winking at Remus before sprinting to the door, "mustn't keep a lady waiting."
"That reminds me…" James said, standing up and grabbing his robes before making his way to the door.
"Oh, you have a date with Lily?" Remus asked, already knowing the answer.
"Hardly, but at least being head boy, I get to patrol the halls at night with her. Did you know, she's even sexier with that head girl badge on?" James sighed, obviously not expecting an answer as he left close on the heels of Sirius.
With the room to himself, Remus put away the book he was obviously getting nowhere with, and stared up at the canopy of his bed. He really wished James luck with his pursuit of Lily, yet he couldn't find the heart to feel the same toward Sirius's endeavors. Every time Sirius complimented a girl, went on a date, or came home with a grin that practically bragged about how far he'd gone with one girl or another , Remus retreated further into himself, attempting to shield his heart from the pain of his stupidly unrequited love.
Remus absentmindedly fingered the leather cord around his neck, touching the small metal amulet at the end. Sirius had been with him to purchase it earlier that year at a muggle shop, and Remus remembered how Sirius' eyes had lit up upon seeing it and how cool he had said Remus looked wearing it. But other than reminding Remus of Sirius, the piece also held a much more significant purpose to Remus. He had hoped no one had noticed, for every year or two he changed out a piece of jewelry: a leather bracelet for a ring then a ring for a necklace, each time charming it as his mother had taught him back when he was only an eleven year old boy. He never went without his charm, only taking it off to transfer the spell to the next piece. And all to hide the horrible scars that were a constant reminder, and telltale sign, of his lycanthropy.
Even with the necklace on to hide his disfigurement, Remus knew each and every scar by heart. There was the bite mark on his neck, his gift from Fenrir Greyback and initiation into the lycan community. There were four deep scratches crossing from his upper left chest down to his right side, a reminder of a particularly horrendous full moon after his father had had enough and left he and his mum. Smaller scratches peppered his arms and calves, silvery and numerous on his pale skin. And then there was his face-the reason he'd asked his mother if he could stay inside forever-the reason she had first taught him the charm. Remus let his fingers wander, following the invisible line from above his right brow, down the bridge of his nose, and ending at his left cheek, where two claw marks would forever mar his face. He remembered his mother crying as she'd tried to heal them, knowing all too well that his cursed skin would always carry the reminders despite her best efforts.
He never wanted anyone else to cry upon seeing his face, to recoil as his father had, to call him the monster that Remus knew he would always be.
So he hid, from everyone, from all of his friends. He never wanted them to know, to be disgusted by him, to pity him or, more importantly, leave his side. For who would wish to be his friend upon seeing how he truly looked? Even less likely, who would ever want him? His scars were yet another reason he knew that Sirius would not-could not ever reciprocate his feelings.
But, Remus reminded himself, this year things would be different. Obviously there was no changing his completely hetero friend's sexuality, and Remus knew that even if Sirius were to magically turn toward men, he would be an unlikely candidate in Sirius' eyes. So Remus had decided that this year, their last year at Hogwarts, would be the year he moved on. He'd put his feelings aside and...well he didn't know what he'd do after that. But he would do something.
An hour and a half later, Remus still had no idea what that 'something' would be, when the creak of the door signaled Sirius's return. Peter was snoring happily in his bed, having snuck back in following a successful raid on the kitchens, and James would be patrolling the halls for a couple more hours at least, so there was no question who it was, even though Remus had his bed curtains drawn.
"Moony, you still up?" Sirius whispered, not waiting for an answer as he slipped into Remus's bed.
Remus put away his book and propped his lit wand on the sheets as he felt the comfortable warmth of his friend's body slide under the covers.
"So...how was the date?" There was no cocky grin on Sirius's face, so Remus felt safe to ask.
"She's bloody dull. I mean, great rack, but that's gunna get old quick. Maybe you could set me up with one of your smart friends, you know, a Ravenclaw or something?"
Remus chuckled as he propped himself up further against the headboard. "You say that now, but…"
"Moony, please?"
"Look Padfoot I really don't know any…"
"Pleeeease Moony? She doesn't have to be smart, just a nice pair of tits will do."
"No! Lay off Sirius, I'm not setting you up with anyone, alright?" Remus snapped, then immediately regretted letting his emotions get the better of him.
Sirius's eyes widened momentarily before before softening as he laid his head on Remus's shoulder. "No need to be jealous Moony, you know you're the only one for me," he said jokingly.
Yet the fact that it was a joke tore at the last remaining shreds of Remus' heart and he shoved the other boy away.
"Why don't you just go back to your own damn bed," he huffed, scooting to the edge of the mattress to sit up.
"I didn't mean…" Sirius began before shaking his head, wondering where he'd suddenly gone wrong. "er, 'night Moony," He trailed off.
Remus felt the weight of the other boy shift off his bed, then waited until he heard the sound of Sirius's mattress creak beside him before he lay back down. He simply could not keep this up, feigning disinterest and listening as Sirius talked about his dates, when all he wanted to do was grab Sirius's oblivious ass and snog him senseless.
Remus knew he needed a distraction, a distraction to replace the heartache that occurred each time he realized that his feelings would never being reciprocated. Never having looked at another boy, or girl for that matter, Remus wondered if he could do it, if he could move on and find someone as equally enticing on both emotional and physical levels, as he found Sirius Black. He honestly did not think it was possible. Sirius just seemed to exude sexuality, from his long black hair that perfectly framed his lovely features, to his sharp nose and cheekbones that were much too prominent for any normal seventeen year old boy. And his eyes. Remus would liken them to glassy steel, except they could convey so much more warmth than that cold metal ever could.
Yes, he desperately needed a distraction.
The next morning, as Sirius sat down in his usual spot beside him at breakfast, Remus could tell that his friend was nervous. He didn't make his usual playful comments or try to steal any of Remus's food, but when he phrased "good morning?" like it was a question, Remus knew he needed to let Sirius off the hook. Having already decided to let the incident go, Remus found it all a bit touching that his best friend cared so much about what had upset him the previous night. After all, it wasn't Sirius's fault that his best friend was stupid enough to fall for him. So he stabbed his fork into one of Sirius's pancakes, even though he hated pancakes, and gave him a playful side-eye when Sirius attempted to wrestle it back with a pair of spatulas. He let Sirius win, for obvious reasons, none of them having to do with how much he hated pancakes, and returned to his usual best friend banter as they got ready to head off to Potions.
As they paired up beside their cauldrons, James with an exasperated Lily, Peter with some Hufflepuff, and Remus with Sirius, he forgot once again about his resolution to find himself a distraction. Every time Sirius would playfully shove him or their fingers met as they grabbed for the same ingredient, Remus had to stop himself from smiling like a silly lovesick fool. It was only at the end of the lesson, as Sirius sauntered over to the Hufflepuff girl next to Peter, leaning against the desk to flirt with her, that Remus recalled with a sharp pain that this infatuation was getting him nowhere.
It continued to get him nowhere in Muggle Studies, Herbology, and then DADA, so when their last class of the day ended, Remus wasted no time putting some distance between himself and Sirius and headed for the library.
Twice a week he met with his Potions study group there, for though Remus squeaked by in class with Sirius's help, he was woefully inadequate on his own. And with NEWT exams fast approaching, Remus would need to become proficient soon if he wished to pass. Lily had graciously offered to help him, along with two Ravenclaws who were there mentoring their friends as well. William, one of the mentors, pushed out a chair beside him as Remus made his way toward the table, accepting the seat with a small smile. Though it was mostly Lily who tutored him, of late William had also been a great help, being much more familiar with many of the ingredients due to his father working in the Ministry of Magic.
Remus opened his textbook with a sigh, not looking forward to the next hour of revealing just how inept he was at this infuriating subject.
A hand on his shoulder startled Remus from his woes.
"Cheer up mate, can't have you getting wrinkles on that pretty face," William said, winking cheekily at Remus.
Remus rolled his eyes and attempted a smile. Sometimes William reminded him all too much of Sirius. Though it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Remus thought once again of his earlier resolve to move on and looked at William with new eyes. Dark brown hair that reached the nape of William's neck was styled in a spiked manner that reminded Remus of a very well groomed hedgehog. He was quite pale, but not in an unhealthy way, and his blue eyes sparkled with mischief that made Remus wonder why he wasn't in trouble as often as the Marauders. His cheekbones were not as prominent, nor were his lips as full as Sirius, but he was still quite attractive. And, from what he'd heard from a group of sixth year Ravenclaw girls, very straight.
"Are you done flirting with him Will? Because someone has to help Remus pass his NEWTs…"
"So sorry Lily, I'll finish flirting with him later."
"See that you do," Lily said, shaking her head before turning Remus's attention back to his studies.
A full hour of studying later and Remus was not the least bit nearer to being proficient in potions.
"I think this is just a lost cause Lil," Remus sighed, pushing his chair away from the table and leaning his head back dejectedly.
"No Remus, you're really improving," Lily said in the least sincere voice Remus had ever heard.
"Maybe you're just approaching this wrong," William chimed in. Remus noted his charge had long ago left the table, apparently much more adept at learning than he himself was.
"And what would be the right way to approach this?" Remus sighed again, closing his book with a loud thump.
"Perhaps you need a more hands-on approach," William suggested with a shrug. "Can't hurt to try."
"And how would we manage that, all the caldrons and ingredients are kept under strict lock and key. It's not like we can just brew whatever we like in the common rooms you know," said Remus in exasperation.
"Well, I could talk to old Slughorn about that, me being in his Slug Club does have its perks."
Remus had almost forgotten that Professor Slughorn liked to "collect" students he found exemplary, either in intelligence or pedigree, into his famous "Slug Club. Though Remus thought it a silly excuse for a popularity contest, perhaps William was correct that it had its advantages.
"I guess…"
"Alright, I'll ask him tonight! I'm sure he'd give us some after-hours access to the Potions room. Don't look so worried Remus, I promise I don't bite," the other boy laughed and slapped him on the back.
"Er, Lily do you think…" began Remus before the redhead cut him off.
"Oh don't go using me as an excuse Remus Lupin. You need all the help you can get."
"Here here," William agreed, squeezing Remus's shoulder before standing to leave the library. "I'll let you know his answer right away, promise!"
As the boy departed, Remus looked over at Lily.
"He reminds me a bit of Sirius you know," she mused, looking at Remus with a cryptic smile.
"Hmm, I never noticed," Remus replied, hoping his tone did not belie his words.
Later that night Remus, James and Sirius sat on his bed, seeing as the other boys' mattresses were covered in smelly Quidditch robes and the ingredients for a soon-to-be dung bomb. Peter was down in the kitchens again, a past time that was doing nothing for his ever-expanding waistline.
"Maybe Pete should just marry a house elf," Sirius mused as he chewed on a sugar quill.
"My, how very progressive of you," Remus replied as he scratched out a word on his Muggle Studies essay.
"Well, I mean they'd be perfect together. She could cook, he could eat. Perfect."
"If only she had James's face…" Remus mused, which sent Sirius into a fit of laughter.
"Pete does not have a crush on me," James scowled, "He's just a bit…"
"Enamoured?"
"Smitten?"
"I was going to say 'dazzled by my charms," James finished, throwing looks at the other two boys. "Plus, I've got Lily, so I'm taken."
"Only if by 'taken' you mean 'not in the least bit taken,'" Sirius replied, earning himself a jab in the ribs.
"Fine I'm 'going to be taken' then," James relinquished, turning his gaze toward his friends. "Sirius is taken by whatever bird flits by him," Sirius conceded with a nod and a stroke of a non-existent beard, "and Remus…"
"Yes, Remus," Sirius continued, still attempting to look wise while running a hand along his chin, "Whenever will you settle down? Meet a girl, start a family...rule the wizarding world?"
Remus laughed and shook his head. "I wouldn't wish myself upon anyone."
"But Remus…" Sirius began before he was cut short as Peter burst into the room, a stolen pie under one arm and an angry, cursing house elf around his leg. The conversation was quickly forgotten as the boys both sought to placate the furious elf and pry the pie from Peter's pudgy fingers, two tasks that were not easily accomplished.
Remus figured he had only been asleep for an hour or two when he felt the mattress dip and a warm body crawl under the covers beside him.
"Can't sleep Moony," came Sirius's attempt at sounding pathetic, so Remus scooted over and made room. He turned his head, blinking the sleep from his eyes as they adjusted to make out the lines of his friend's face.
"You need to talk about something Padfoot?" Remus asked with a yawn. He saw Sirius shrug before turning on his back, no longer looking at him. "What is it?"
"I just...was thinking. With you being a werewolf and all, is that why you've never dated anyone?"
"Wow, is this what's been keeping you up at night? My love life?" Remus laughed sadly.
"Well, I mean, is it?"
Remus thought for a moment. It wasn't the only reason. The very unattainable boy next to him in bed was a testament to that, but it seemed a good excuse, not like he could tell Sirius the truth anyway.
"Yeah."
"Oh...well, that's just not fair. To you I mean. Cause, what if you find a girl, a girl who doesn't care about something like that," Sirius finished, sounding strangely nervous.
"Well, by all means, let me know if one turns up then. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't exist," Remus stated dryly.
"But there's going to be other people out there who wouldn't mind. I mean, none of us do you know. I certainly don't care."
"Er, thanks Sirius, but it's not the same you know. Being friends and wanting to date are a bit different," Remus supplied, quite confused as to why Sirius was still talking.
"It doesn't have to be," Sirius started before biting his lip. "I mean, for me it is. Obviously. But you, you seem the type to want to be friends first. Then maybe they...she wouldn't mind so much."
"Maybe," Remus said, but it was with no real hope and Sirius gave him a sad smile in return. "Sorry Padfoot, I just don't really want to talk about it right now okay?"
"Yeah, you're right," Sirius sighed and turned back to face Remus. "Sorry I'll stop pestering you about it."
Remus smiled and stretched out his arm, allowing Sirius to curl up against his side. It was nice, how much the other boy cared about him. Even if it wasn't in the way he'd like. It still made him feel appreciated in a way that no one else did.
"Night Padfoot."
"g'night Moony."