Ignorance
SUMMARY: Goku reflects on the consequences of stupidity. YAOI. Goku/Vegeta
WARNINGS: Yaoi, suicide.
NOTES: I think I'm right in saying the dragon wouldn't bring back someone who killed himself.
DISCLAIMER: If Dragonball Z belonged to me, it would not have turned into GT, with not enough Vegeta and a geeky Trunks and a bratty Pan and a chibi Goku.
They all think I'm stupid and it used to annoy me. After saving the world and fighting evil, the least they could do was to look past my goofy exterior and see that I had a deeper side. None of them did, except Vegeta. Only he knew my true ability.
When we fought he would say things to try and get me to try my best, he hated it when I held back for fear of hurting him. But I knew that Vegeta understood me better than anyone. He was the only other being in the universe I could relate to. Our desire for fighting, the power that could kill any human by accident, they were things we had in common.
He knew I was a true saiyan. Once he actually said it. I was thrilled, a compliment from Vegeta, my Prince.
But still, I couldn't let myself go when I fought him. It was just training, it wasn't as though I had to kill him or anything, and I just didn't want to hurt him. I had a deep instinct to protect him, the only other saiyan. Mine.
I might as well admit I loved him. I would dream of his beautiful body underneath mine and would fantasise about waking up with him by my side, safe where he belonged.
It's difficult for me to wake up in the morning now. It used to be when I was with Chichi, but when I was awake I was up out of bed and training or eating. Training meant spending time in Vegeta's company, which I was only too happy to do. It was depressing to see Chichi in my bed every morning, but something I could put up with when I had spent a night dreaming about him, and the chance of being with him was still very real in my mind.
And eventually I had enough. I decided that I would have to tell him how I felt during our morning battle. I needed him and I would always protect him. He deserved to know how loved he was.
I knew he would accept me. Somewhere inside I knew he loved me too. We were the last of the saiyans and we were meant to be together. But still I was not happy. I couldn't understand where my feelings of misery were coming from, so I repressed them and assumed they would disappear when I was finally with Vegeta.
But when I found Vegeta, I felt true pain.
He was lying on the floor of the gravity chamber. I thought he had just passed out from exhaustion, like he sometimes did through too much training. My poor Vegeta, always trying to be better than perfect.
But when I went to lift him up, he was cold. I shook as though I were the one freezing as I checked for a pulse. I couldn't breathe. It was like I was the one who was dead, and I began to feel tears on my cheeks as I tried to understand what was happening.
Laying him down on the floor gently, there was the rustle of a piece of paper. Still in shock, I slowly picked it off of the floor and looked at it. It was folded, but it had my name written on it and it had small tearstains on the paper. I unfolded it in a daze.
Kakarrot,
I don't know what to tell you, other than I'm sorry. I don't think I should have done this, but I couldn't go on any longer. I hate living every day as though something's going to change. Nothing will ever change for me. I will always be second-best, always a background fighter, always striving to be stronger but just being surpassed every time by superior warriors. I'm rambling. It just hurts too much to live any longer. It all fades when I pretend that there is a chance that you could love me like I love you, but I know that will never happen. Whenever you fight for innocence, I imagine you're fighting for me. I can't pretend to myself any more. I have been experimenting with these human drugs for a while now, and I think I know how many to take to end my miserable excuse for an existence. I'm sorry.
From your ever-loving prince,
Vegeta.
I sat on the floor until Bulma found me, looking at my prince, who was as beautiful in death as he was in life. It wasn't long until Gohan and Goten were there. Goten went to comfort Trunks and Gohan was helping Bulma do practical things like call ambulances and arrange funerals and wonder how this could have happened.
It happened because I was stupid and slow. If only I had seen how low Vegeta was feeling. If only I had seen his feisty fighting spirit fade in the previous months, I could have stopped this happening by loving him. I could have protected him. And the drugs! On reflection their effect was so obvious, Vegeta's violent mood swings had been puzzling me for some weeks.
Chichi thought he was selfish, can you believe that? She said that he had upset me on purpose. Said he couldn't beat me physically so he resorted to emotional, because he knew he was my friend and his death would hurt me. Stupid bitch.
I never showed anyone the note. It was for my eyes only, and that was how it would stay. I kept it on me at all times to give me good luck. Whenever I was losing to a monster, I would remember that I had a confession of Vegeta's love in my pocket, and I would find strength in that.
But that was the only place I grew stronger. At home, Chichi began shouting at me and arguing with me a lot worse than before. It mostly went over my head and I had reached the stage when nothing really mattered to me any more anyway. But one day it reached a critical level.
She said I had grown lazy and I never did anything any more.
I said I didn't want to.
She said it was all Vegeta's fault.
I asked what she was talking about.
She said the "stupid arrogant son of a bitch had screwed up her family and friends and made a mess of everything because he was too much of a coward to face the world and...."
I didn't let her finish, and the blow knocked her through the wall.
Goten came running in and asked what happened. I told him that I'd had an argument with his mother and that I'd be leaving. He tried to stop me, but I wasn't listening any more. I don't listen to anything at all now.
I am ignorant, but ignorance isn't bliss. My ignorance killed my precious Vegeta and I don't want to wake up any more.
END.