Werewolf in Sheep's Clothing
NOTES: This is after Cordy and Oz have caught Willow and Xander making out, but also after Oz has forgiven Willow.
SUMMARY: How does Oz's lycanthropy affect his and Willow's relationship?
SHIP: Willow/Oz
The lesson droned on so much that I zoned out, letting graphical inequalities capture everyone else's attention. I sighed and let my mind wander slowly towards its usual destination...Oz. Poor Oz.
I couldn't even imagine the pressure of being a werewolf in high school. Life was bad enough being a core member of the Scooby Gang, and that didn't involve changing of any kind. Except for whenever Angel morphed into game face. And when Eyghon possessed Miss Calendar. And Xander sort of changed when the hyena spirit possessed him.
I suddenly realised I had subtly changed the subject within my own mind. Damn. I hate it when I do that. Perhaps if I were dumber, I'd be more stubborn and persistent. Buffy and Xander seem to do that a lot. It's because most of their thoughts are so pointless that when a sensible one comes along they have to grab it and hold on for dear intelligence. I noticed I was being bitchy again when they hadn't done anything wrong. I had no reason to be nasty about them.
I doodled on my exercise book – Willow 4 Oz 4eva – then I felt so stupid. I must have had bimbo flakes for breakfast or something. I thought back to my wonderful boyfriend, lycanthropy must be eating him up inside. Not literally, although you can never be sure on a Hellmouth.
I realised that I had drawn a little sketch of a wolf on my book. I looked at it. To anybody else, it would just be a furry thing. Well, a picture of a furry thing anyway. That's because they have been raised to believe that a) werewolves don't exist, and b) if they did, they'd look like proper wolves, not the hulking terror that was Oz in wolf-mode.
I glanced up at the class, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything important while I considered things. The life of each Slayerette was like a movie. My life would be a drama named something like 'Wiccan wolf bride', Buffy's would be an action thriller titled an in-your-face word like 'Slayer', and Xander's would be something to do with love and messing it up, some romantic comedy. It's a shame really, he does deserve more.
I sighed quietly to myself. This was the part, of what was rapidly becoming a thinking ritual, where I would wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen Xander over Oz. It wasn't like I hadn't had the chance. I could have given our love a try, but I couldn't lie to myself, I didn't love him in that way any more. Our brief fling had undermined our relationship. We cared too much about each other to waste it all on a few moments of desperate passion.
And yet, that was just what we had done. It pained me to see the hurt in Xander's eyes when he touches my hand in an innocent best friend way, then I recoil. We had been best friends since I could remember, but now we had lost all of that in a matter of minutes. Life could be an unfair bitch sometimes.
I mean, why does a perfectly nice guy have to be cursed with lycanthropy? Why should a shy witch who has had no romantic entanglements whatsoever have to end up dating a werewolf?
But worse of all, how does Oz see this? I tried to think of how it would feel to know that I went completely wild on the three nights of the full moon? It would feel... good?
I look over at the quiet, placid guitarist of Dingoes Ate My Baby. He was looking at the board expressionless, thinking. I hope he is thinking about me.
I know she's looking at me, I can feel it. She's thinking about me, about us, and about the wolf. She always thinks about the wolf. It drives me fucking crazy. I forgave her for the betrayal, but she still hurts me with her thoughts. What upsets me the most is that she doesn't ask me about it. She's so damn curious, but she won't ask. But then, what would she say?
Would she ask how I saw her when I looked at her through the eyes of the wolf? If I understand them when I reach that stage in the lunar cycle? If it's hard for me to cope? What's the worst part?
If she did, I wouldn't insult her by not answering. Then she would only believe the worst of me in every answer that I don't give. I would have to tell her all of it.
How the wolf saw her as something to be ravished, not treasured. How I felt it's desire and understood it. How I knew all of them better when I saw them through my animal state. Willow was a victim, an innocent, a ravish and run sufferer. She was depressing. Buffy was like wild fire, she scared me. She was a violent force with no direction and she could not be stopped or contained. Giles had secrets. Too many secrets, covered over with tweed and a paternal instinct. Cordelia was strong and confident, the wolf deeply desired her. She radiated tough vibes. Xander was interesting, a mystery. When nobody was looking, (wolf excluded) he was calm, quiet and thoughtful. He would stare at things and go through Giles' stuff. I can tell Xander is deeply disturbed.
Was this all that I would tell Willow? Or maybe I would save the best part until last, the fact that the wolf is merely the voice of my inner desires. If I did not feel all those things, the wolf wouldn't either. But I love Willow. On some level, anyway. I thought some more. If she asked me, I wouldn't tell her. I would quietly tell her that we are finished, then leave. Perhaps search for Cordelia.
I stopped my thoughts when the bell rang, me and Willow walked out of class. "What were you thinking about?"
"Class."
"Oh." Liar.
If you care, say something. Anything to show you understand my pain..... I see. Well that's fine. I'm happy deceiving you.
I won't say it. I won't tell him that I understand, because he can't tell me the truth. How could I possibly understand when nobody will explain?
And so, the underlying current of mistrust went on, unsaid and unwanted.
THE END