Setting: Post VS4 (if you haven't read VS4, you can either read it as a AU or get your arse over to www . virtualdarkangel . com , just remove the spaces)
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, nor do I own the lyrics
Darkness
I remember my first time on a plane. I was six and my feet couldn't even touch the ground. I clearly remember swinging my legs, as if gravity would make them stretch that little bit more. My mother smiled and told me that one day I would grow up and become sick of the fact that my feet could touch the ground, that I would always be trying to rest my feet from the pressure of the ground. My father just rolled his eyes at us and told me to look out the window, the plane was taking off. The skies were grey and I watched as the plane rose to the beauty which was hidden above the clouds, as if that paradise was reserved only for us.
I am a grown man now. And, again, I can't feel the ground beneath my face. The rain outside my apartment is the like the emotions I feel on the inside – each one different and difficult to predict where they will end. I watch the paths the rain traces on my window, occasionally choosing one to follow from its journey at the top of the glass to its eventual conclusion. Each one begins the same. It tries to be original, unlike anyone before it. But it ends the same, disappearing into nothingness.
Sometimes depression overtakes my whole being. Depression isn't something which is there all the time. Sometimes, you feel like nothing in the world could go wrong, like everything is the way it is supposed to. That is the way Max makes me feel. She takes my mind off my disability, making me feel whole and complete, just because I matter that much to one person. But other times, it takes over like a dark cloud, casting everything with its dark shadow. It makes me withdraw from those who care for me and try to push them away.
My father always told me that life was perfect as long as I believed it was. He wasn't a cruel man, just plan realistic in his own manner. He certainly wasn't the sort of dad you saw on television. He was some one I looked up to, who I respected more than anyone else. He took me to the playground one day and I skinned my knee. He told me to close my eyes and pretend like the scratch didn't hurt. Slowly, my tears dried. I slowly learnt this technique, of convincing myself that things were perfect, the ultimate test coming when my parents died and I was sent to live with my aunt and uncle. I believed that I perfected the art. But I was wrong. The problem was I never let anyone close enough to me to true test my powers of persuasion.
When things would get rough, my mother would tell me to try and remember that there were less fortunate people in the world, who would never have the opportunities that I would have in life. So over time, I found and attached myself to people who were less fortunate than himself, so I could try and stay it above it all. It wasn't a conscious decision, simply one I discovered I had made years down the track when I finally had the chance to truly analyze my selfish existence. My best friend at college was Jack, a scholarship student from Maryland, who was working hard so some day his mother wouldn't have to. After college, I briefly moved in with Louise, who ran away from home for reasons she didn't even want to begin to explain. Then there was Daphne, who I thought I could save. And then there was Max. The child, raised as a soldier. Always on the run, no family. Abused as a child, still fighting as an adult. Yet she isn't like the others. She is stronger than me. And in my darkest hour, maybe that is why I have chosen her this time, because she shows me what I could become.
The thing about depression is that is makes it makes you selfish. Not only does its shadow block out any light, it also shades anyone else who might appear in your life. Their problems aren't as important as yours. Their troubles could never compare to what you have to face everyday. And it makes it hard to reflect, look back and think, maybe things could be okay.
Even all these years later, the dark cloud is there. I know now not to fight it, but simply deal with it. I feel a warm hand on my shoulder and find that Max has come to join me on my nightly vigil of rain watching. We smile at each other, both knowing instinctively what thoughts are running through the other's head. I move my arms and she slinks into my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. Silence continues to fill the room, bringing comfort and peace. I press a kiss to her forehead and she moves slightly into my embrace. And so we remain Eyes Only and his dark angel. Both haunted by our demons, but convinced we can face them together.
Maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall