Flipside
Chapter One: OMGWTF?
By Nan00k
"It's like a self-insert story gone terribly, terribly wrong." -my sister

This story is total crack and an experiment. After a rather humorous dream a few weeks ago, I had this totally random idea of what it would be like if a Decepticon married into my family. LMAO. This is written from first person point of view (i.e. "I" instead of "she.") I use my name in it simply because I didn't want to make up some random person for this story. The people in it (including Barricade's "betrothed") are fictional renditions of my actual family and friends. The experiment is trying to make a self-insert story into something realistically feasible (and enjoyable). Let's see if this works, shall we?

This is a five-part story, just so you know. Nothing big or major. Also, this is by no means a serious fan fiction. D: Please don't take it as such. -Is shot by hardcore fans.- I have essentially destroyed the image of bad-assness in Barricade. But at least its funny. Hopefully.

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Title: Flipside Chapter 1: OMGWTF?
Summary: Apparently, Barricade is getting married to your cousin. Yeah. What are you gonna to do now?
Rated: PG-13/T
Genre: humor
Characters: Barricade, original characters
Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie
Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

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The first thing I noticed when I entered the hallway was that everyone was already there. I mean, my parents were slow drivers, but it was odd we arrived so late. I blamed the weather. It was December, after all, and Christmas had just passed. Roads in Idaho were always a mess this time of year and the un-melted snow created barricades on the sides of the road. Nevertheless, it was still odd that thirty-some familiar faces turned in unison to face my older sister my parents and me when we entered—ominously.

"There you are," cried my aunt Sheri. She hugged her sister, my mother, and then my own sister and I. "We thought you guys got lost."

Oh yeah, we totally got lost while going to the house we always go to for Christmas every FREAKING year, I replied mentally. In reality, however, I smiled sweetly and said, "Nah, we had to drive slow. Snow and all."

My father, like any man whose driver's ego was immensely high, nodded vaguely. "Yeah, bad weather."

My sister had already taken out her Gameboy and went to hide in some dark corner. I rolled my eyes. I preferred to mingle. I liked to see my cousins. All of them were twice as old as I was, considering my parents married late. They still saw me as a little kid, and I agreed; half of the thirteen of us were already married with kids—but I loved those second cousins! They were small and adorable—even if it did make me feel young myself.

"Hi," I called, stepping up to my cousins Jeffery and Shawn in the living room. They were the sons of Aunt Sheri. "What's up?"

"Hey, Becky," Jeffery said. He grinned behind his green dreadlocks that hung in front of his face. "You just missed the announcement!"

I frowned. "Announcement? What announcement?" I asked.

"Emily's engaged!"

Emily was one of two girl cousins I had, as sad as that was. Out of the thirteen "grandkids," my grandparents only saw four girls: my sister, Emily, our other cousin, and me. Emily was seven years older than I was, and was already making it big as a fashion designer in Seattle. I smiled happily. It was about time she got hitched!

"Really?" I squealed. "Are they here?"

"Yeah, they're in the living room."

I bit my lip in excitement. Engagement meant a wedding shower. A wedding shower meant a wedding. A wedding meant new babies. One out of the three required me to wear a dress, but I was okay with that. I liked all the excitement more. Sweet!

I rushed into the living room, nearly knocking into my Great Aunt Jeanie. With anxious eyes, I scanned the open seating. I saw many familiar faces, like my grandmother and my other aunts. Then, I saw Emily. She was standing with a tall man I did not recognize, who had his back to me, as the two were speaking animatedly with our grandmother. Emily saw me first and waved excitedly.

"Oh my gosh, Becky," she cried, stepping out from behind the new man. "Did you hear?"

"Yeah," I replied excitedly. "Congrat—!"

My words failed me when the stranger turned around at my arrival, and suddenly, I felt as though I was stuck in a very horrible Twilight Zone re-run.

He was tall and dark. Black hair slicked back away from it, his skin was pale, but healthy. While his face was angular and strong, it was easy to tell his physique was quite lean. The man was wearing semi-tight dark jeans and black boots that reminded me of my cousin Tony's army uniform. He was wearing a black sports coat with a purple logo etched into the back, and when he turned, I could see it again on the upper left corner of his chest. The logo was an unmistakable insignia of a very familiar bad guy group I had just recently been acquainted with thanks to a Mr. Bay. What disturbed me the most, however, was the fact that even without a name or having the man in his proper form, I knew who it was. (I later blamed fan fiction.)

This man was completely and utterly Barricade.

We stared at each other for a moment. I stared from the Decepticon logo on his jacket up to his face and he seemed to notice the gesture. A look of suspicion and confused appeared on his features. While I never could guess what the Decepticon was thinking, I was busy thinking about how fast I could run away. I never could run fast or far, but I knew I'd have to give it a try.

"Oh," I began, my mouth slowly forming each word perfectly, "shit."

My mother gasped behind me at my choice of words and exclaimed angrily, "Rebecca!"

Barricade stared at me harder. "What?" he demanded. His voice was deep, menacing and grating. It sounded just as it did coming from the big screen, only slightly less as loud. That was the last straw.

I screamed, jumping into the air and back several steps. I pointed a shaky finger at the bewildered mech-in-disguise. "D-DECEPTICON!"

My family stared at me blankly. Barricade looked utterly confused, and Emily looked disturbed. After a moment, I struggled to catch my breath. Barricade's dark eyes caught my own, and I started to scream again. My brain was in complete lock down; I had absolutely no idea what to do, other than try to tell the others. Screaming like a moron, at the time, seemed like a good idea.

"What are you doing?" my sister shouted over to me from her dark corner where she was hiding from socializing. "Freak!"

"IT'S BARRICADE!" I screeched, backing up even more. I ignored the disturbed faces of my family. "OH MY GOD, ITS BARRICADE!"

Emily's frown turned down even farther. "Um, I was going to say, here's Barry Cade," she said slowly. She looked as though I was able to attack someone. "My fiancée."

I stopped screaming as I felt the world close in on me. I stared with wide eyes and an unhinged mouth. Only two repetitive trains of thought was circulating through my mind at that moment:

My cousin. Engaged to Barricade. From Transformers.

…Please, God, tell me that there's something wrong here.

Unfortunately, he never did tell me. While my brain was melting in on itself, Barricade had snapped to attention. His indifferent stare had turned into a glare of suspicion and anger.

"What," he began menacingly, "did you just call me?"

His voice brought me back to reality. It was gravely and loud—like in the movie, only slightly less booming. I matched his angry glare with a look of fear. I wanted to believe it was either a dream or a misunderstanding. However, from the look in his eyes, I could tell the latter was not quite it.

"Um," I began unintelligently, "Barry Cade?"

"No, you said Decepticon," Barricade snapped. He pointed at me accusingly. "How do you know of that name?"

Oh shit. I opened my mouth to speak, but only a squeak came out. "Uh, God told me?" I answered meekly.

"Don't give me that!" he said. His eyes were set into an evil glare certainly worthy of a Decepticon. My knees nearly gave out. "Who are you?"

"That's my cousin," Emily interjected, suddenly alarmed. "Barry, what's going on? How do you know Becky?"

Barricade opened his mouth to speak, but seemed at lost for words. I stared intently as his face. His eyes seemed to change when he looked at my cousin. They weren't as harsh as they had been just moments before. It was disturbing, but also innocently surprising. I couldn't imagine anyone faking a look like that.

Suddenly, realization hit me. My cousin thought this guy was a normal person, a human—but I knew better. I mean, if he had not reacted at all, I would have thought that I was just jumping to conclusions. But he knew I knew and that was the thing that freaked me out. I never watched the show as a little kid, but I sure saw the live action film twenty three times, so I knew Barricade was bad news.

So, I decided to take some action—despite the fact I was a human, barely five foot five and no defense skills whatsoever. (But at least I tried, right?)

Turning to my left, I grabbed the closest thing I could—which was a beautiful ivory vase that my Aunt Kara cherished more than life itself—and swung it violently.

Now, up until that point, I had no plan. Improvising was a gift I was never really blessed with, but at the time, it was all I had. The moment the base of the vase connected with Barricade's head, I quickly told myself to run like hell once he fell over. Hopefully, he'd be so pissed off at me that he would ignore the rest of my family, and I would be able to lure him away from them. After that, well, I would just keep running until another brilliant idea hit me.

The vase shattered in my hands, I yelped, and let the broken porcelain fall from my hands. Much to my horror and disappointment, the only thing I had expected that happened was the fact that the vase broke. Barricade stood, very much unharmed, in front of me. There was a small cut that appeared on the side of his face, but other than that, he wasn't even fazed by the attack. His surprise melted into a look of rage, and a whimper escaped my throat.

I decided to go with part two of my plan anyway.

"SHIT!" I screamed. I dodged my sister and my mother, and ran out of the living room, towards the front door. "WHERE THE HELL IS OPTIMUS PRIME WHEN YOU NEED HIM?"

"GET BACK HERE!" Barricade roared. I heard his thundering footsteps almost immediately behind him. "HUMAN!"

In an race of epic proportions that really only lasted four seconds, I jumped over my baby cousin who was crawling across the foyer's floor, and slammed into the glass storm door. My hands fumbled wildly for the handle. In my hysterical mind, I remember thinking over and over, I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it! However, in the time between finally grabbing a hold of the handle and pushing it open, Barry Cade had caught up to me.

Thin but strong fingers slid underneath the hood of my jacket and tightened around the fabric. The hand that the fingers were attached to pulled back. The zipper stuck and I was yanked backwards, away from the door. I screamed in surprise, but my voice was cut off to a small squeak when I was physically turn around, picked up by the front of my shirt and slammed into the foyer wall. Barricade held me up—in the friggin' air—and all I could do was stare, my voice and initiative to struggle both gone.

I looked over at my family, who were at the entrance of the living room, quite confused and alarmed. My mother was shouting at Barricade to put me down, but my aunts held her back, unsure what the heck was going on. A very odd silence fell over everyone. Jeffery and Shawn had moved probably at the same time Barricade had, and looked as though they had gone to intervene between him and me. My cousins, although large enough to handle a normal human male, thankfully didn't move any closer. They were either fearful of Barricade harming me if they ventured too close, or they sensed something was wrong with this Barry Cade. Sadly, none of this helped my situation and I was still facing a very pissed off Decepticon-in-human-form.

"Explain how you know who I am!" Barricade demanded, his grip unrelenting.

What the hell could I say? I stared at him for a brief moment, wondering just that. "I—I just do," I finally said.

"The slag you don't!" he growled. He lifted me higher against the wall, and ignored the shouting of my family. "Are you some kind of Autobot spy?"

"No!" I shouted. I began to panic again. I hated heights and I hated pain. The situation violated both of those fears. "Put me down!"

"Not until you explain!"

"I don't know, damn it!" I screamed, my anger suddenly tripling. I let go of his arm with my right hand and slammed my fist into his face. It didn't do much, and his face was as hard as the wall was, but hitting him made me feel better about my situation.

He was not amused, however. "STOP THAT!" he ordered.

"Barry!" cried Emily, her voice rising over the din of the room. "Put her down!"

"Tell me now!" Barricade demanded again, increasing the pressure on my throat slowly as he pressed me farther into the wall.

"YOU'RE A DECEPTICON!" I shouted. My fist never stopped hitting his head.

Barricade hissed and said, "Human, don't you dare—!"

"AND YOUR SECRET IDENTITY SUCKS! BARRY CADE? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I screeched, slamming my open palm on his head over and over. It wasn't working at all, but by that point, I was more than terrified, and more than ready to do whatever I could to get away from the Decepticon. Abruptly, it occurred to me that I had legs, so I promptly used them. Bringing up my right knee, I was thankful Barricade had lifted me up so far in the air. I was at the perfect height.

"What are you—?" Barricade's angry question was cut off by a less-than-smooth kick between his legs. He gasped and let me go unexpectedly.

Dodge roll! I commanded my body. It obeyed for once and I rolled out of the way of the doubled over 'Con. I glanced back at him and I saw he was still trying to catch his breath. I grinned triumphantly—and then let the grin die when I saw him turn around wildly, although still in pain.

"FLESHLING!" he bellowed. He lunged at me and I screamed. Although he didn't get far, I didn't move far either. My legs felt like they were made of wet sand; I fell back on my butt and kicked away from the angry Decepticon.

Emily shoved our other aunt out of the way and nearly stumbled over Barricade. "BARRY, STOP IT!" she screamed. She grabbed onto his coat and pulled. Her effort may have been all she had, but it didn't even cause the sturdy 'con to flinch. My heart skipped a beat when Barricade's attention switched from me to Emily.

"Emily, get away!" I yelled, scrambling to my feet thanks to a new burst of adrenaline. Barricade was a Decepticon—monsters from Mars, so to speak. They killed people. They hated humans. I didn't know why, or how, this metal monster was here, but I was not going to let him do anything to my—

Barricade turned around at Emily's feeble attempt. He looked up at her and she stopped pulling. I opened my mouth to tell her to run again, but she beat me to it.

"Are you alright?" Emily demanded, worry plastered in her voice and on her face. There was also anger present. "Barry, what's wrong with you?"

"I…" Barricade faltered. He seemed trapped by her gaze and sat speechless. Barricade was speechless?

"Why did you do that?" Emily demanded, her worry disappearing.

Barricade almost wilted. "Do…what?" he asked awkwardly.

"Attack Becky—she's my cousin! She's just a kid!"

"She's the one who—!" Barricade tried to say.

"I don't care who started it," Emily snapped. She placed her hands on her hips and glared at the Transformer on the floor. "What on earth would cause you to attack each other? How do you even know each other?"

"But Emmy, I don't," Barricade said, looking wilted. "Emmy—"

"What?" I asked in almost a whine, which went unheeded by the arguing couple.

My brain was about to implode on itself. Not only did Barricade just call my cousin by a pet-name, Emily was chiding him without getting obliterated on sight. I stared down at the Decepticon, who was silently enduring the angry and confused tirade of my cousin.

"Emily," I began, my voice wavering, "what the hell?"

Emily paused and looked over at me. She looked worried. "Are you alright, Becky?" she asked.

That was when the other shoe dropped. "AM I ALRIGHT?" I yelled angrily. I pointed wildly at Barricade, who turned his attention back toward me. "Jesus Christ—there's a freakin' Decepticon on the floor and you're asking—?"

"Shut your mouth, brat!" Barricade hissed, getting to his feet unsteadily.

I flinched backwards, but my anger beat down my fear. "And you—!" I sputtered. "What—how—?"

"What is going on between you two?" Emily implored, utterly confused. "Becky, how—how do you know Barry?"

I sputtered gracelessly, unable to speak clearly. "He—he's—HE'S A TERRORIST!" I screamed. When I thought about it, that wasn't really a lie.

Barricade flinched back, snarling. "I am not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"I don't even know you, brat!"

"MISSION CITY!" I shrieked.

That caused an immediate reaction. Barricade's face went from enraged to downright speechless. He stared at me passed his sunglasses, stunned. I stood in front of him breathing heavily.

"How…?" he almost whispered.

I must have looked pitifully scared. "I have no idea," I replied, shaking like a leaf.

We stood motionless once more, unable to say or do anything else. Another strange silence fell over the room.

I really did have no idea. Transformers was a movie. A movie! It would have been one thing if Barricade never acknowledged my accusation, but he did. He was Barricade—which was a Decepticon—which was a Transformer. They weren't real. But Barricade was here. He was real.

Barricade couldn't read my mind, but he saw something change in my eyes. He dropped his defensive stance a little and gave me a serious look. I returned it.

"Basement," I announced.

Barricade didn't respond, but followed me when I dashed around the corner to the basement door. He flew down before I did and spinning around, I faced my bewildered family.

"Be right back, gotta talk, I'll scream if I need help," I said in one breath. Then, I shut the door.

For some bizarre reason, the lock was on the inside of the door, so when I shut the door, I locked it. I nearly fell down the stairs, ignoring the confused shouts of my mother and family. Emily was doing damage control, thankfully, although I wasn't sure if she knew WHY she was keeping everyone from the basement. Even then, I knew we did not have a lot of time to talk.

When I reached the bottom landing, I turned and looked over at the wall. Barricade was standing nearly against it, looking quite menacing, as usual. He took two steps closer and I stepped away an equal number of steps.

"Start talking, brat," he growled.

"No, how about you start talking, Decepticon," I replied angrily. In hindsight, I have no idea where this moment of gutsy assertiveness came from, but I suppose I was still trying to assure myself this was just a hallucination; hallucinations wouldn't kill me for pissing them off.

Barricade was not impressed by my audacity. "Listen here, fleshwad," he growled dangerously, "I have every intention of killing you, so why don't you start saying things that could get you out of this hole you've dug yourself into?"

I glared back. "You want information?" I asked, waving my arms angrily. "FINE! You're Barricade, a member of the Decepticon faction," I said, taking a daring step closer. Words tumbled out of my mouth without me thinking of them. "You're a Transformer, a member of a race from the planet Cybertron. You've been at war for millions of years and Cybertron was destroyed in the process." Something faded slightly on Barricade's expression. "You were a pilot aboard the Decepticon ship, Nemesis, under the command of Starscream as you searched for your missing leader, Megatron.

"You ran into the Autobots after exiting a wormhole and Blackout got the shit beaten out of him by Starscream. You found out about Earth from a small spaceship from this planet. You came here, found your leader and the All Spark." I paused, catching my breath, my eyes as wide as Barricade's were now. "Megatron was killed at Mission City by a small human child…you…"

My voice faltered. I couldn't bring myself to say anymore, not with Barricade staring at me with such a confused and utterly shocked expression. It was at this moment that I had wished him to burst out into jovial laughter, give me a pat on the back and say, "Surprise! You're on a hidden camera show! Ha ha, the joke's on you!" But that never came. He just stood there, staring at me as though I had turned into Unicron himself.

The panic set in again.

"Please tell me that you're not him," I whimpered, feeling tiny and sick.

Barricade ignored my plea. "How…do you know all of that?" he asked, looking disturbed and…afraid.

"It was a movie," I said, backing up again, looking probably scared silly. "It was just a movie!"

"What?"

"All of that is supposed to be fake!" I cried, grabbing a hold of myself, shaking. "It's fictional! It was based on a cartoon!"

"What are you talking about?" Barricade demanded, this time confused.

"Barricade is a character from a movie!" I nearly shouted. I pointed to the side, though nothing was really there to point at. "All of it—Megatron, the Autobots, the Decepticons, the All Spark—all of it's just a movie!"

"A movie?" repeated Barricade. He frowned darkly. "What does a primitive entertainment system have to do with any—?"

"Don't call it that!" I yelled, clapping my hands over my head. If he said that, that meant he was still serious. That meant he wasn't joking. That meant I was going frickin' insane!

Barricade stared at me as if I were some rabid monkey, looking mildly interested, but mostly irritated. "How did you come across that information?" he asked again. Damn, I could hear him over my hands.

I grit my teeth and slowly lowered my hands. I had to think rationally. Maybe it was still a joke. It had to be a joke.

"You're really Barricade?" I asked quietly.

He hesitated.

I groaned.

"Please let this be a nightmare!" I wailed to no one in particular. I marched over to a chair in front of my uncle's work computer. I sat down wearily and let my head drop into my hands. A mother of all headaches was beginning to form in my head. My kingdom for some aspirin…

In front of me, something dark slid into the other chair against the wall. I looked up blearily and sadly, it was still Barricade glaring at me, in all his human-Decepticon glory.

"I don't know you, human, but you know me," Barricade began after seeing I had finished my yelling. "I want to know why."

I could barely keep myself from grimacing. He sounded so much like he did in the movie, minus the bellowing. He had human features now, but his eyes were just as menacing. His personality was identical. "Going to interrogate me like you did LadiesMan217?" I asked monotonously. I lacked the energy to care at this point what happened.

He flinched back, surprised again. "How do you know that information?" he hissed, leaning closer.

I stared back, unmoved. "Do you really want to know?" I asked, a threat lying between my words. He wouldn't like what I had to say; I already knew that.

"It may just keep you alive longer, brat," Barricade said acidly.

In my mind, I weighed my options: don't tell him and face a horrible death. Tell him, maybe feel a little saner before you die a horrible death.

Oh, what the fuck.

"Last July, a movie came out in theatres across America," I began, my head ache growing, "called Transformers…"

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End Chapter 1.

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Author's notes:
Wow. I think my limited sense of dignity just went kaput when I wrote this. Wow. Reviews would be kindly appreciated!