Cold Water Surrounds Us Now
Prologue
"Sydney?...Sydney listen. I did not intend for it to happen, but I got drunk and she was there..., hell I don't even remember any of it... I'm not saying that it justifies what I've done, but it in no way happened because I don't love you. I'm sorry, love, I really am..."
"End of message"
Part 1
Hours later and she was still sitting in their living room, spaced out after listing to his message for what must have been the twentieth time. She shook herself out of her reverie and grimaced. He was right after all. He had cheated on her, and drunk or not, his actions were inexcusable.
Still she didn't know whether she was angrier at him or at herself. Even though there was a high probability they would be beating the shit out of each other if he were home right now, she couldn't stop herself from wishing he was with her right now. Her thoughts were turning in circles and whenever she had had problems in the last few years, she would turn to him without hesitation. And that was exactly what her mind was telling her now.
'Go talk to Julian, he'll make you feel better.'
And then seconds later.
'Julian is the problem, Julian is the reason why you have either been pacing holes in the carpet or sitting somewhere staring in the air mindlessly for the last few days.'
It was so frustrating. She should be ripping his head of right now or getting over him, but not missing him. She felt like such a fool, but she suddenly had a better understanding of women who could forgive and move on together, they were simply too much in love for their own good, just like her. She still couldn't believe she was actually contemplating getting back together with him.
So she thought about that fateful day, a week ago. She had been standing in the living room, thinking for what seemed to be the hundredth time over what had happened to their relationship lately. They had both been avoiding the topic and she had become more and more upset, afraid at seeing their relationship slowly and quietly crumble. She hadn't talked to him about it though, because she had been sure the problem was not coming from her and she had learned from previous experience that there was no point trying to pry it out of him or force him. She remembered that terrible argument they had had only a few days before. It had been the worst fight they'd ever had and she hadn't known yet what he had done during that night, after he had stormed out of the house.
He had come in, looking at her and suddenly started talking... She still shuddered at the thought. He had been long done and she had still stood there unmoving, gazing down at a picture of them. He had to ask her whether she understood what he was saying to shake her out of her trance and that's when she had started to cry.
Feeling like she was slowly suffocating with the memories, she changed into a pair of sneakers, sweats and a t-shirt and went outside for a run. An hour and a half later, she entered through the backdoor as unhappy and conflicted as before. Not even running had helped to clear her mind and get her to snap out of the emotional trip she was on, considering she had nearly tripped three times, because she had not been paying attention to the path in front of her.
Flinching at the inevitable silence that would greet her when going in, now that she lived alone, she froze when she heard noises. She quietened her steps immediately and tiptoed through the kitchen, to check whether someone was in the living room.
Pulling his hand back from the window sill, Julian turned around, looking at Sydney cautiously. Her eyes quickly flitted to where his hand had been only seconds before. It was a frame that held a picture of definitely happier days. They were sitting in a little, cosy French restaurant, he was holding her left hand and they were talking, smiling at each other. They hadn't even seen that the owner of the restaurant had photographed them, only realising it later when he presented them with the picture, telling them 'Vous deux, vous étiez trop aimables pour ne pas vous prendre en photo.' Julian had clearly been uncomfortable about the matter, but it was he who had bought a frame for the picture later on and had placed it where it was standing now.
('You two were too lovely to not take a picture of you')
Shaking off the memory she focused on Julian again, who looked at her like he was prepared for anything, screams, tears, disdain, hatred, a foot kick. He did not expect what really happened though, and neither did Sydney.
The second she set eyes on him and had all the pain and the feelings of betrayal, she had felt when he admitted cheating on her, thrown into her face again, she came to a realisation. She was not going to be wallowing over him any longer, they had had a wonderful three years and if he wanted to throw all that away, then he really was not worth the grief she was inflicting on herself.
If he had been able to brush of what they had just like this, then she would pay him the same courtesy. And there was no doubt that she was one of the best in that department, after all one of her first lesson during her training to become an agent had been to compartmentalize in any given situation.
It did came as a bit of a surprise to her that she managed it so well, that she seemed to look really convincing, considering that Julian, he of all people, lightly flinched at the look she was giving him now. There was nothing in her eyes, nothing at all. He tried searching them, as he had done on such numerous occasions throughout their relationship, because around him, her eyes had always reflected what she felt, but they were devoid of any emotion now, like his presence really didn't affect her at all.
He knew fully well that she was compartmentalizing, but he had never thought that after they had gotten together, he would ever again be at the receiving end of that stare and it pained him, pained him because he knew he deserved it, had caused it.
"I want you to go. I suppose you are here to get a few things, do that and then please leave."
She could as well have been talking to a stranger and it angered him to a point that he didn't think was possible, not that he was showing any of it. He wanted her back so desperately. He still couldn't believe he was able of such a degree of stupidity. After waking up next to that woman, he had realised that he had ruined everything; he hadn't even decided yet whether he was going to tell Sydney, but he knew that this night spent in the wrong woman's bed was going to shatter the best thing in his life to pieces, the trust and love Sydney had for him. It wouldn't matter if he told her or not, either way she was going to realise something was wrong and he was going to lose her.
He had tried keeping it a secret, forgetting about it, it wasn't as if he could remember much of it anyway, but predictably the guilt for betraying her had started to eat away at him, making him act differently, poisoning their relationship, until the day he had seen her looking at that picture from the French restaurant, looking so frustrated and sad, that he had to tell her. He hadn't want to see her hurt, and he knew that giving her a clear reason for his behaviour lately, had been the fairest he could have done for her.
"Very well."
He knew there was no need for him to try to make her talk to him and he had perfected the art of compartmentalization long ago. He strode out of the room nonchalantly and went upstairs to get the rest of his clothes and other necessities. He cursed under his breath, because now he wasn't able to take that picture with him. She had chosen the exact moment when he wanted to take it, to come in. It was what he had come back for, he couldn't care less about clothes, but he had really wanted to leave with the reminder of when he believed that maybe he had after all gotten a real shot at something good.
After going upstairs to collect some random things, he walked back into the living room, looking at her one last time, willing her to forgive him, even if he didn't deserve it, but she didn't even turn around to meet his eyes one last time, instead choosing to look outside into the garden.
She stayed frozen in that same position until she heard the front door close, only then did she lift her hand to wipe away the tears she had been hiding from him.
Part 2
She liked Vienna and for the first time in months, she felt carefree and was actually enjoying herself. Glancing at the display in a window of a clothing shop, she decided to indulge some more into her momentarily spend thriftiness and maybe add another bag to the ones she was already carrying. While looking at a few dresses hanging from a rack, she tried, in vain, to push back the memories rising up immediately.
Julian had always loved seeing her wearing dresses. Whenever she would walk out of their bedroom in a dress for a night out, they would end up delayed.
She didn't believe she would ever forget the feeling of giddiness that had overcome her, every time she had slipped on a dress in the three years she had spent with him. She always knew what it would provoke, the mischievous glint in his eyes when she opened the door. He would walk towards her like a predator, press her against the closed bedroom door and let his hands slide under the hem of her dress, while whispering in her ear just how much he loved dresses on her and why. She couldn't suppress the slight smile creeping up in her face, thinking about his explanation mumbled in between searing kisses. It was only one layer of clothing that needed removing, because she had always known better than to bother with underwear when putting on a dress.
Turning around abruptly, she left the shop without so much as a glance back. Eric had been right all along, she was far from over Julian, however much she was denying it. When she let herself go, it felt as if he had broken her heart only yesterday and not a few months ago. Biting back a pain-filled look she finally admitted to herself why she had chosen Vienna as the destination for her little trip.
Julian and she had shared the same love for visiting European capitals and main cities, but they had never made it to Vienna and so the city held no memories whatsoever that she connected to him or to them. It was neutral ground so to say.
She grimaced at her cowardice, leaving LA as quick as possible a few days ago. She was in need of a break was the official excuse that she had fed everyone at home and to herself as well, but she realised now that she was simply fleeing from the memories that had threatened to suffocate her.
Letting her gaze wander up and down the street Vienna suddenly was no neutral ground any longer and would hold a very predominant memory from now on. Julian, standing across the street, looking at her as surprised as she felt, surprised in a very bad way...
He had welcomed the business trip to Vienna with open arms, rousing him from the lethargy that had overcome him lately. That he was going to a city were he and Sydney had never been before hadn't hurt either. And now she was standing there, right across the street, mere six meters away and he couldn't help but stare.
Before she had the chance to process a coherent thought, turn around and leave, he already had crossed the street and was now standing in front of her. He had no idea what to tell her, he hadn't seen her in months and meeting her here, it had thrown him more than he had anticipated.
"Fancy meeting you here, Sydney."
He couldn't help it; he knew that it was the worst thing that he could have said the second it left his mouth, but it was all he could think of.
"You really got some nerve using that tone with me, and what are you doing here anyway?" she replied, her surprise and annoyance clear on her face and it her voice.
He cringed inwardly seeing as she was perfectly right, but he wouldn't give in to the feelings of guilt, anger and misery again, after trying more or less successfully to rid his conscience of them.
He told her in a much quieter and less provoking tone that he was there on business, sure that she would slap him any minute if he managed to upset her even more. He nearly asked her, whether she had forgiven him, or considered getting back together, but he was quite sure that it wouldn't help with not upsetting her. It was a delusional thought. Sydney did not trust easily and he couldn't hope to regain her trust ever again after what he had done. She loved him, that much he was still sure of, but he was quite certain that she didn't love him enough and in a way that would make her simply overrule all of her instincts, forged through painful experiences with her parents, former boyfriends or friends.
He realised again how truly alike they were, guarded, distrustful people, wary of letting someone get close, who had nevertheless had gotten a shot at real, simple love. They were both to be blamed for ruining this chance and he knew she thought the same thing.
He couldn't stop himself from asking though, he felt the silent desperateness welling up inside him already, and he knew he couldn't leave without at least asking her. He suddenly remembered an old saying his mother used to tell him; that a good donkey only hit his head once. He seemed to be a bad donkey, he could clearly anticipate a very negative answer and still, he could not not ask. He got the predicted answer.
She couldn't refrain herself or care for all the people that were watching them and all the attention they were already attracting by standing immobile on the pavement in an otherwise busy street. She slapped him hard.
Her hands were forming fists, trembling with anger. He had just efficiently as was his trademark, ruined what little peace she had made with him, herself and the situation as a whole. She had sworn herself she wouldn't let him affect her if they ever crossed path and now she saw the results...it had been silly to believe she could leave a meeting with him unfazed.
Turning his head back to look at her again, he never stopped talking. Being, if only the least bit, straightforward about his feelings had never been one of his talents, he had usually relied on his actions to speak for themselves, which apparently they hadn't done. It was one of many shared mistakes that had eventually led to their break-up, after their relationship had been slowly deteriorating for months. They had both been too hesitant and frightened to talk openly about themselves, marked by their previous lives full of lies, deceit and deception.
However this time, he was not about to let his probably last chance slip through his fingers. He told her. Told her that she was the most important thing in his life, that he was a wreck without her, that he felt incomplete and that he would try harder if that would make her happy, if that would make her accept him back into her life.
His pride wasn't going to get into the way this time.
Sydney could feel her resolve crumbling with every word that Julian said, and instinctively her defence went up. For a second she seriously wanted to ask him whether he was kidding. He was telling her all of this now? After she had begged coaxed, yelled, ignored and God knew what else she had done to get him to really talk to her, he was doing it now? She couldn't believe it, didn't want to.
"It's too late for this now."
She wasn't about to let him mess with her again, let him into her life again, just so he could hurt her again, unintentional or not. She wasn't sure she could take anymore and desperate to make him stop talking she uttered the first thought that crossed her mind that would unquestionably make him shut up.
"I've met someone else..."
It was the only thing Julian had not been prepared to hear, simply because he hadn't even wanted to acknowledge the possibility that she might just say that. He couldn't, wouldn't imagine her with someone else at her side apart from him. He stopped talking in mid-sentence and it stung more than the slap he had received seconds before.
She slowly closed her eyes and when she opened them again she was looking at the floor, for she didn't think she could stand seeing him like this, the hint of pain in his eyes, almost imperceptible but nevertheless there. She wanted to reach out to him, put a hand on his neck, look him in the eyes, apologize and make it go away, like she had so often before when she had talked before thinking. She had found that she could hurt him easily, he had become sensitive after starting to trust her.
She felt even more for him when she realised how distressed he had to feel, to the point that it had clouded his judgment on what she had said. The Julian she knew, the one from before, would have called her bluff milliseconds later, but this one did not. She didn't know whether to feel relieved or saddened.
Now in retrospect, she understood to some extent, how their final argument had driven him into that bar, where he'd gotten insanely drunk and had had sex with a stranger. The ultimatum she had thrown into his face had been born out of desperation, she had lost patience, thought that coercion might help him change quicker. He had had all this potential and he didn't believe in himself, didn't believe he could ever be worthy of her, worthy of the life he was leading now and it had driven her crazy. In the end, she had been too blind to see that an ultimatum would drive him away, he was not one to take being pushed and so it all blew up in her face.
The pained look only lasted for a few instants and when it vanished, it seemed as if it had never been there in the first place, impossible to prove he had ever been unsettled by her words.
Her former lover had all but disappeared.
Part 3
He retreated to leave the place for someone with a vicious and vengeful glint in their eyes and Sydney immediately tried steeling her for what was to come, patronising stoicism with sharp, well-thought, ambiguous insults or a lashing-out, full of purposely vulgar and malicious low blows. He was able of both, it had always depended on the incentive, he usually went for the calm fury, it was far more intimidating, but sometimes he would just burst, unable to contain himself anymore, stripped of the polite demeanour he ordinarily displayed.
She had been a master in driving him to the edge where any iciness and composure would drain from his being, and only emotions and hot passion reigned. Sometimes, when she was fed up with his withdrawing nature, desperate for any kind of reaction from him, always hoping that in between his hurtful words there would be some truth, some opening-up, she would nag and taunt him so long until he would reach that point. He had, without a single exception, always failed her, never yelling out some kind of not thought-through feeling, and she usually never had the time to insist, as those outbursts always ended up with frantic lovemaking, intended to stop her questions.
She was anticipating the latter now.
He knew he was going to lose it right away. Since he had seen her for the last time, he hadn't allowed himself to vent, deciding that he didn't deserve to get his anger and aggression out of his system. He had been aware that it would only work so long, but he hadn't wanted Sydney in sight when it happened, they both weren't so lucky it seemed.
Seeing her this unexpectedly and hearing her say she was already dating again, acted like a dangerous catalyst. He lost his calm right there in the middle of Vienna, for the whole world to see, and he couldn't bring himself to care, didn't even try to contain the fury welling up inside of him, knowing it would be a worthless effort.
"He's making you happy then, yes? I'm sure he reminds you of your dear Agent Vaughn, doesn't he? A regular dull man with a regular dull life, it is what you always wanted after all. Or maybe it really is Agent Vaughn, but then I suppose he hates you too much after you started fucking the guy who tortured him, or am I wrong? "
His tone was threatening, driving one jab home after the other and still it was only above a whisper, his voice hoarse and strained as if he had been screaming for a long time before already, but it nevertheless drove tears into Sydney's eyes and she was trying to look anywhere but at him.
She hated herself that she couldn't simply feel satisfaction in his anger and say that it served him right, that he knew now how it felt.
He felt like a powerless onlooker when he delivered the last low blow his mind could think of, incapable of stopping himself even though he knew this was profusely wrong, that he deserved the blame, not her.
"Is he at least worth it, Sydney?" he snarled at her bitingly. "Does he fuck you right, Sydney? Does he get you off? Did you tell him that you like it rough and not necessarily in a bed? Or do you let him treat you like the bloody saint you always imagine yourself to be, Sydney, come on, do tell."
Before he could say anything else, although he couldn't, the numbness of his heart finally catching up with his mind, Sydney looked up and he couldn't help but flinch at the look of utter contempt and hatred in her eyes.
He had just made it so much easier she realised. She was practically seething, about to explode just like him only seconds ago, but she was still controlling herself. She couldn't believe he actually had the nerve to speak to her like that. She had supposed, it wouldn't be pretty what he was going to think up in that twisted mind of his, but making it sound like she was the one exclusively at fault? She felt her fingers itch and thought how satisfying it would be to hear the sound of his nose crush under her fist. She started wishing it wasn't only a lie, so she could be able to rub it in a bit more than she already had, until he would really realize what he had lost with his stupid guardedness about everything concerning himself. She was sure he hadn't yet fully understood what loosing her, loosing them, meant, it was so much more than just loosing his girlfriend, but also loosing the only person whom he didn't have to lie to, who knew about his past and accepted it, not judging him, a person that could, to some extent grasp his ideas, his morals and actions without being disgusted, shocked or scared away.
The whole magnitude of this would hit him eventually, probably when he was sitting alone his hotel room after some mind-numbing, meaningless sex. He wouldn't be able to discuss how he had gotten this or that scar with the girl he'd taken up to his room, because she wouldn't understand, be scared and at the worst run and call the police.
She admitted that she wasn't innocent, she had done her fair share in ruining what they had, but she had never believed he would betray her on that level, sleep with someone else and ingrain this image of him and some cheap girl, rolling around on the bed of a cheap motel room, in her mind. Sometimes she felt like drilling that image out of her head with any tool she would find. It made her feel sick to the bone and still she couldn't keep it from coming back, needing that picture to fuel her anger and hatred when she felt like giving in again, her hand hovering above the phone, ready to dial his number, her heart overpowering her mind for a moment.
She had the image clear in her head now, her fists clenching, her stare cold.
"You are the biggest and stupidest mistake I have ever done in my life, and I regret every single minute I wasted on you..."
She could feel satisfaction now, when she watched her words finding their target like a perfectly shot bullet. She couldn't find a shred of guilt inside her anymore.
He hadn't imagined anything worse than hearing that she had replaced him already, but he wasn't so sure it was the worst now. His posture suddenly grew dejected and when he looked up at her she saw only defeat, tiredness.
"All I wanted to say was that I want you back, but I assume any prospects of that happening are delusional. It seems as if I'm good at screwing chances with you up..."
He resigned into the situation then, realising that they wouldn't be capable of working around this, and that all what would be left between them would be careful traipsing around, and he didn't wish that for her. Her expectations in him had simply been too high and he had been quick to prove all her negative theories about him right, too stubborn to admit and accept that even he deserved and could have happiness in his life.
He suddenly frowned, straining to her what Sydney was saying. It was barely audible, just a whisper in the wind.
"We used to be happy, do you see it now?"
He did, she saw it and with that she turned around and walked away.
Epilogue
"I lied by the way, I haven't met anyone else, because all I can think about is you and don't feel flattered, I beat myself up over it every single day. It shouldn't be this way...when we got together it was meant to be for good, do you remember? But I can't forgive you and I don't think I could ever trust you again...and I know you can't forgive yourself either, I saw it in your eyes earlier...I hope we don't see each other again, for both our sakes ...goodbye Julian."
"End of message."