Xander and Spike do the Jerry Springer Show

"Lights and action!"

"Hello, I'm Jerry Springer and welcome to today's show. Today we are meeting people who have something important to tell their friends. They may be dating their friend's boyfriend, may be gay, or they could be sleeping with a vampire. First we meet Xander Harris, for which two of these apply. Give a big hand for Xander!"

The crowd applaud wildly as Xander walks out in a blue T-shirt and baggy black trousers. It fitted him quite nicely. Jerry motioned for the crowd to be silent.

"Okay now Xander, your friends are in a silenced booth backstage, so why don't you tell us your problem?"

Xander sighed and clasped his hands.

"Okay Jerry, I'm bi."

"You're bisexual."

"Yeah. So that's one thing my friends are gonna find out about."

"Okay. So how do you think they're gonna cope with that?"

"I think Willow and Giles will be fine with it. Giles is an adult and he knows how the world works, Willow's bi herself."

"Their approval means a lot to you?"

"Yeah. Willow's been my best friend since I can remember, so this'll be a shock to her like, and Giles is like a father to me."

"What about the rest of your friends?"

"Well, one of them is my girlfriend Anya. She used to be a demon, so I'm not sure she'll understand what's going on. Buffy doesn't really know me that well anyway, and the other part of my confession will probably freak her out."

"So tell us Xander, what is the other part of that confession?"

"Well Jerry, I'm sleeping with a male vampire."

The crowd all gasped. Then some applauded, others tut-tutted, disgusted at things like that. Why do these sorts of people always go to these types of shows?

"I see. Do your friends know the vampire?"

"Yeah, he's Buffy's mortal enemy."

"Okay, well we'll bring him out so that our audience can get to know him too."

Spike came from backstage to a round of applause and a chorus of 'boos'. He stuck his fingers up and sat next to Xander. Jerry motioned for the crowd to be silent again.

"So Spike, tell us a bit about yourself."

Spike fidgeted in his chair a bit then began, picking off his nail polish as he spoke.

"My name's William the Bloody, my nickname is Spike. I was a part of the Scourge of Europe, and I tortured people with railroad spikes."

There was a boo at this point. More surprisingly, there were also a couple of cheers. Spike grinned.

"Then, when my Sire started being a good guy, I hung around with Dru. To cut a long story short, she left me, and I blamed the Slayer. So I came back to kill her."

There were a couple more cheers. Jerry Springer picked up his microphone again.

"But that didn't go exactly to plan, did it Spike?"

Spike shook his head and clasped his hands, looking down. Xander put a hand on his and gave an encouraging smile. Spike took an unneeded breath and continued slowly.

"I was captured by a government conspiracy group known as the Initiative. They experimented on me, and left a computer chip in my brain to prevent me from hurting people again. I went to Buffy's little gang for help."

Jerry nodded. "I see. Had you met them before, then?"

"Oh yeah. I'd tried to kill Buffy, kidnapped Xander, blackmailed Willow, and I probably got to the others somehow."

"Okay. So Xander, how did you two get together?"

"Well Jerry, only me and Giles had the space to keep Spike, and one time Giles had company. So Spike came round to my house. I hadn't wanted him to, because my family are horrible and I hate for people I know to see them. But Spike found out. He talked to me about it, and he basically made me feel better. We kissed that night and decided that we wanted to keep going from there."

Jerry turned to the audience. "Okay, let's bring out his friends!"

Anya, Buffy, Giles and Willow all walked onto the stage and took a seat.

Jerry walked down a couple of steps and asked, "So what do you each think that this is all about?"

Anya put her hand up. "Oh, I know!"

"You don't have to ask permission to talk on this show Anya," said Jerry patiently.

"Oh, alright. Is Xander going to break up with me? Because I could understand if he is."

"What makes you say that Anya?"

"We haven't been getting on so well recently. There have been a lot of arguments, and a lot less sex."

Jerry coughed. "I wouldn't say that exactly. Buffy, what do you think has brought you all here today?"

Buffy perked up, realising she was being spoken to. "Is Xander going to tell us he's a woman? Because if she is, I saw it first!"

Xander sank further into his chair. Spike rubbed his back reassuringly. "It's alright pet, ignore her," he whispered.

Jerry motioned for the crowd to stop shouting abuse at Buffy. It wasn't the best job, but someone had to do it. "Okay, we'll come back to that later..."

"I knew it!" said Buffy smugly.

"...Mr Giles, would you care to hazard a guess as to why Xander has called you all here?"

Giles thought for a moment. "Is he homosexual?"

Jerry smiled. "Willow?"

"I'm with Giles on that."

Jerry nodded. "Okay then Xander, are you ready to talk to your friends?"

"Guys, I have to tell you, I'm sleeping with Spike."

Anya smiled. "Oh good!"

The crowd started laughing and Jerry frowned in confusion. "What makes you say that, Anya?"

"Well I'm having an affair with Riley's commando friends, so I don't feel all guilty now. I'm happy for you Xander. I hope he makes a good orgasm friend."

Xander was in shock. Spike grinned. "Well luv, I hope so."

Jerry quietened down the crowd's cheers and wolf-whistles. "Okay. Buffy, what do you think about all this?"

"Two words. It's sick."

Xander looked at her. "Actually, unabbreviated would be 'it is sick', and that is three words."

"Shut up fruity guy."

Spike jumped up to cause bodily harm, but Xander pulled him back down again. "Remember the chip?"

Spike nodded miserably. "I wish I could defend your honour pet."

"That's a wish!" cried out Anya.

"Yeah, so? What of it?"

"Now that Xander has cheated on me I have my powers back! Spike, your wish is done."

"Huh? Yes!"

Spike jumped up, but Xander pulled him back down again. "Don't make a spectacle of us on national television Spike, let Jerry finish his show before you disembowel Buffy."

Spike held his hand. "Sorry Xanpet, I forgot me-self for a minute there. Please continue Mr Springer."

Jerry chuckled. "Thank you, Spike. Now Giles, how are you feeling about all of this?"

Giles smiled and tapped his nose conspiratorially. "I had my suspicions."

"So this does not come as a big surprise to you then."

"Oh no. As long as Spike takes care of Xander, I'm sure we'll all be fine with it."

"Huh!" said Buffy. Everyone ignored her.

Jerry moved on. "Willow, what's your opinion of events?"

"Spike and Xander are the cutest couple ever! But if Spike hurts Xander, I will track him down and turn him into Buffy."

The crowd gasped in horror. Even Jerry had to gather himself before continuing. "Wow Willow, that is a serious threat!" He turned to the crowd. "Okay, it's question time, people! Yes, you sir!"

One man stood up. "Okay, my question is for Xander. What makes you think that this Spike guy is capable of caring when he's a vampire who has slaughtered millions?"

Jerry nodded. "Good question. Xander?"

Xander thought for a few moments before he replied. "The first thing that Spike promised to do when he got rid of his chip was kill my parents for ever daring to hurt me. That's called being protective, otherwise connected to caring."

Spike scowled at the person who had upset his Xanny and hugged Xander closer to him. Jerry decided to move on before Spike got revenge. "Next question."

Some woman stood up. "Anya, how can you think that it was alright to go behind Xander's back? And Xander, this applies to you as well. Both of you were having affairs and you're happy for each other?"

Anya nodded. "I could put blistering boils all over his body if it would make you happy, but what's the point?"

Xander sat up, much to Spike's dismay. "I think that she's right. Nobody wins in a battle for revenge. Except for the winner." He sat back again confused. "Maybe I should think before speaking."

Spike nuzzled his neck. "What you said was fine pet."

Jerry held the microphone over to let another woman speak. "Giles, you say you care for these kids?"

"I do."

"Then how can you let them hurt themselves like this? That Spike guy is not good for Xander!"

The crowd went wild until Spike ripped apart someone in the front row. Then he wiped his mouth and sat back down next to Xander, who sighed and said, "I wish you wouldn't do that."

Jerry came out of his shock-induced silence and said, "don't worry folks, we're insured. Now Giles, that was still a valid question. Would you say how you feel about that remark?"

Giles shrugged. "I'm not really sure how to respond to such a stupid person's opinion."

"Yeah! You tell 'em Watcher!"

"Spike, ssh." Xander said.

"Make me."

The crowd went crazy as Xander pushed himself onto Spike and passionately kissed him. Jerry laughed and said, "Giles answer quickly, while Spike is distracted!"

Buffy groaned, "This is so gross."

Giles tore his gaze away from Xander and Spike and tried to focus on the question instead. "Um, yes. Er... I think that these young people have to find their way in life, and I can't see how anyone could possibly think Spike is bad for Xander..."

At this point, Spike pushed Xander to the floor beneath him, where they continued kissing and groping. Jerry cleared his throat and they pulled away from each other reluctantly. "That's enough. As it is I think that this show will be late night viewing."

"Sorry Jerry," said Xander and Spike together.

"Thank-you. Any more questions?"

"Yeah, over here. Spike, you're the Scourge of Europe, you love maiming and torturing and killing Slayers. What on Earth possessed you to fall for a teenage boy with no job or money who lives in the basement of his parents' house and fights against the very things you stand for?"

Spike stared at the person long after it became uncomfortable. "I just love him."

Absolutely everybody went 'aah'. Even Buffy, who then realised what she was doing and stopped, completely disgusted at herself. Jerry smiled. "That's what we like to hear. Next question."

"Yeah, this one's for miss Slayer over there. She's convinced that these people are her friends, yet she doesn't seem to care in the slightest about their happiness, only about her own. Isn't she a little surprised that she still has friends?"

Buffy gaped at the person who asked the question. "I am not selfish! I have a lot of friends because of my caring and selfless attitude to life."

She did not look impressed when everyone burst into hysterics. Even Jerry took a while to sober. "Yes miss Summers, that was a good one. Any more questions?"

"Uh-huh. Willow, aren't you worried about your best friends safety? You've known each other for years, yet you're happy to let him get together with a sadistic killer!"

Willow's jaw dropped to the floor. "I cannot believe that there is someone other than Buffy who does not see how cute Spike and Xander are! Spike's all grrr and macho and possessive, Xander's all cute and submissive and cuddly. They fit together so well. Anyone who doesn't see that is an idiotic baboon."

Buffy jumped out of her seat. "That's it! I am not taking one more derogatory comment from anyone else on this show! I am the Slayer!"

"Otherwise known as lunch," said Spike as he tore into her jugular.

Xander sighed. "That's my Spike."

Jerry turned away from the action and went and sat down in front of the camera. "And now it's time for Jerry's final thought for the day. I think that love is a very delicate subject. Even the best relationships have complications. It doesn't matter if you are deeply in love with a vampire of the same sex, or just have nasty in-laws; everyone has to face trouble at some point or another. In such situations, it is helpful to have a friend or friends you can count on. If they aren't helping, feel free to tell them so, or kill them as Spike has shown us tonight. Please look after yourselves and each other."

"CUT!"

"Thank God, I can't take any more of these freaks," said Jerry, storming off set.

THE END