When a Man Loves a Woman
SUMMARY: Cracky parody of the Red Wedding where nobody gets killed and Roose's younger brother, Michael, may or may not make a special appearance.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: It's 1:30AM in the morning and I regret nothing.
Catelyn looked at Roose, her eyes growing wide with horror and apprehension. Standing up, she slapped him with all her might, relishing in the feeling of finally taking out her pent-up anger.
There was a hissing noise. Thick, white mist began to appear in the corners of the hall. Plumes of it crept along the floor, reaching almost knee-height.
Catelyn turned to Roose with wide eyes. "Did you plan this, too?" She pointed to the mist, her voice venomous.
For the first time, Roose Bolton looked confused. "This is not something I was previously aware of, my lady."
"What's going on?" Walder Frey asked from the high table. His grip on his golden goblet started to tremble slightly.
The other guests in the hall started to inch away from the mysterious fog, standing on tables and chairs.
"What in the Seven Hells is going on, Bolton?" Frey slammed his goblet down, glaring daggers at Roose.
He shrugged in response, but his eyes were wary.
Suddenly, the doors that had been previously bolted by Frey guards, flew open. A lone figure stood, shrouded in shadow and even more mist. He strode in, swinging a glittering cape over his right shoulder. As he walked, his curly blond hair shone, fluttering around his broad shoulders like two golden butterflies making love on a sun-dappled mare galloping through a healthy cornfield on the sunniest day of summer.
"Hello, brother." He said, addressing Roose.
"Michael," Roose greeted in kind, through gritted teeth. "I thought you weren't coming."
"And miss out on this wondrous occasion?" The younger Bolton put a hand atop his heart. "I promised my fans a performance."
"Did you invite him here?" Walder asked Roose.
Roose shook his head.
"My lady." Michael bent down, kissing Catelyn's hand with the grace of a thousand ballerinas simultaneously executing perfect pirouettes. "It's a pleasure to finally make the acquaintance of the loveliest Tully sister."
"Lord Bolton," said Catelyn, stiffly but politely.
"And you!" Michael grasped Robb firmly by the shoulders. "What a handsome boy! Is this your wedding?"
"N-no," said Robb, clearly terrified by this mysterious stranger and the mist that seemed to follow him everywhere.
"What a shame." Michael shook his head. "Anyways, the show must go on. Band!" He pointed to the shivering group of musicians in the corner. "Give me a tune in D major!"
As the band got their act together, Roose fell to his feet, his hundred and thirty-three hidden knives clattering to the ground around him.
Catelyn looked at Roose with slight concern, but made no attempt to help the man up.
"When a man loves a woman…"
"Seven Hells," whispered Roose in a hoarse voice, "it's begun."