Just a few notes before we start the story.
This is based off FFIV Advance. If there are any apparent conflicts between FFII (SNES) and this story, now you know why.
I decided on a play format because it would be easier to parody that way.
The game's best-kept secret is a major plot device. You have been warned.
And of course die-hard fans need not take things too seriously. Of course the characters are intentionally misrepresented. It's a parody!
Dramatis Personae
Cecil, the main character
Kain, the like totally cool dragoon
Cid, the grumpy old man
Rosa, Cecil's soon to be wife if they ever get through the events of the story
Rydia, the like totally hot summoner
Tellah, the other grumpy old man
Edward, the wuss
Yang, the karate king
Palom and Porom, devil and angel
Edge, the ninja (which gets butt-kicked by pirates, by the way!)
King Baron, is self-explanatory
A bunch of soldiers, mages, monks, generic Final Fantasy character classes, but no one really cares about them, right?
The Elemental Lords, the bumbling idiots
Golbez, the villain (at least after Cecil quits his villain job)
Dwarves, who are less annoying than in Final Fantasy I
??, the final boss who is obviously not named Golbez
Act 1
In Which Cecil Has Some Explaining to Do!
Scene 1
A formation of airships flies over the oddly unnamed world (developer laziness?) Cecil and his soldiers are leading the airships to Baron. Actually, it's more like the soldiers do all the work and Cecil just stands there.
Soldier 1: So the raid was successful then?
Soldier 2: Yep. The Crystal is ours.
Soldier 1:
Man, killing those mages sure was fun! It was like playing an
old-school RPG!
Soldier 2: But don't you think that those mages
have feelings too?
Soldier 1: What are you smoking? Of course not!
In old-school RPG's, the random monsters are just….
Cecil: Enough! Mages don't have feelings, or else we'd be evil for killing them. And I can't be evil, because I'm the main character!
Soldier 1: Yeah, but you're a Dark Knight! That makes you a villain!
Cecil: Oh yeah, forgot about that….
Soldier 2:
Monsters! They're sabotaging our ship, and not doing very
well!
Cecil: Then I'll just have to kill them!
Cue battle sequence
Cecil: Go, Red Fang, and Blue Fang. Die you worthless creatures! Wait, oh dang! That was my last fang!
Soldier 1: At least all the monsters are gone. Strange that so many monsters have appeared recently. It's like some Game Developer is punishing us for senselessly killing living and breathing creatures…Nah. That can't be right.
Soldier 2: Anyways, the king is not going to be happy with you knowing you wasted all his fangs again. You've got some 'splaining to do!
Cecil: gulp
The airships land in Castle Baron.
Scene 2
At the Castle Baron Gates…
Guards:
Halt! Who goes there?
Cecil: It's me, Cecil.
Guards: Oh. For a minute there I thought it was someone competent. Fine, let him in.
Inside Castle Baron
Baigan: Cecil? How was your raid?
Cecil: Okay….
Baigan: Just okay?! How can you not be excited at the prospect of killing worthless mages? Anyways, you have the crystal?
Cecil: Yes.
Baigan: The king is not happy with you. I suggest you see him now.
Inside the throne room
King Baron: Cecil, have you been foolishly wasting my precious Fangs on weak monsters again?
Cecil: Er….
King Baron: Don't lie to me!
Cecil: But I didn't say anything yet!
King Baron: You're a Dark Knight. Dark Knights always lie. I should know myself, since I trained you all. clears throat I am very disappointed in your incompetence. I am almost beginning to think you are becoming a good guy!
Cecil: No,
sir, never! I would never indulge in such heresy!
King Baron:
Lies, again! I am demoting you from Captain of the Red Wings!
Cecil:
Please, sir, I have a wife and er…, I don't have any kids, but
you get what I'm trying to tell you.
King Baron: Cecil, Cecil, you sound so pathetic when you use that cliché that I feel sorry for you. I am willing to give you one more chance. Tomorrow is some little girl's birthday in Mist. I want you to give that girl this present courtesy of the king himself.
Cecil: You mean you, right?
King Baron: Thinks hard Yes.
Cecil: Uh, sir? Since we're villains, why are we being nice to the citizens of Mist? Isn't there some more sinister ulterior motive ascribed to this act?
King Baron: Thinks very hard No.
Scene 3
Outside the throne room
Kain: So, how'd it go?
Cecil: The
king has entrusted me with this awesome responsibility. I'm going
to make some little girl in a far-off town happy!
Kain: Cecil, you
do realize that by giving you petty delivery errands, the King has
demoted you to the lowest of the low, right?
Cecil: Oh well. At least I get to be nice for a change.
Kain: Sigh Well, see you in the morning, Sam.
Cecil: See you in the morning, Ralph.
Scene 4
At the passage towards Cecil's Tower
Cid: Hey,
there, old buddy. How's the mistress?
Cecil: You mean Rosa?
Cid:
No, I mean my airship.
Cecil: I
come back from senselessly killing mages and all you can talk about
is your airship?
Cid: Well, it is pretty, and I did make it
myself. You didn't hurt it or anything?
Cecil: No. Except
perhaps those monster scratches…
Cid: EEK! You monster! Why I
oughta…
Cecil:…quit it with your airship fetish and get a real wife?
Cid: Uh, sure.
Cecil: Anyways, how's Rosa?
Cid: Not good. Apparently, you've got some 'splaining to do!
Cecil: Uh-oh! I think I'm in trouble!
Scene 5
In Cecil's bedroom
Cecil: tosses and turns Can't sleep, king will turn into clown, then eat me!
Rosa: abruptly turns on light Cecil!
Cecil: AAHHHH! CLOWN! Oh, it's just you, Rosa.
Rosa: Where were you today? Tell me now! weeps
Cecil: Destroying some far-off city of creepy Mages. But who cares about them anyways?
Rosa: You're not the Cecil I know.
Cecil: But, darling, I have always been destroying cities for no reason ever since I got this Dark Knight job. Why are you complaining now?
Rosa: Not that? You were cheating on me. Who is she?
Cecil: Rosa, Rosa, she's just a picture in a magazine. I thought we went over this already.
Rosa: I thought you loved me. Why would you leave me for her when I'm not looking? It's not like you're a Dark Knight or anything! runs away crying
Cecil: I've got to get myself a new job.
Scene 6
At the Castle Gates
Kain:
Morning Sam!
Cecil: Morning Ralph!
Kain:
How's the missus?
Cecil: Not good. I think that our relationship
is breaking apart.
Kain: At least you have one...
Cecil: Kain, are you jealous?
Kain: Who told you!? I mean no.
Cecil:
Kain, I know you never get any of the women on our adventures, but
maybe you can take your anger out on the monsters. After all they
carry money, and you know the saying. First you get the money, then
you get the power, then you get the women.
Kain: Well let's go
kick some sty monster a!