Forgiveness and Love

One-shot. Olivia having dinner with Serena after her first day in SVU.

So, this is my very first fanfic and I need to state that English is not my first language. I am doing my best to avoid any kind of mistake but I can't promise this story will feel like one written by a native speaker.

This is what I feel about the relationship between Olivia and her mother: even though she is an alcoholic, even she emotionally and possibly physically abuses Olivia since she can remember, even though looking at Olivia reminds her of the brutal attack she suffered years ago, deep down, she loves Olivia, more than anything in the world. And despite whatever Serena had done to hurt Olivia, or how much Olivia hates her for the drinking problem, mother means so much for Olivia cause she's the only family she ever known and got.

I don't own anything.

All kinds of reviews are welcomed, though I prefer gentle language. Enjoy.

Olivia arrived at the restaurant a whole hour early. It was her very first day in SVU, and what did she do all day? Meeting her partner, getting to know how thing work around one-six, arranging her desk, and then, nothing. A detective Jefferies told her that in this squad, one gotta learn to make the most of the few days without urgent cases. And soon captain Cragen came into the squad room, told everyone to go home unless they really want wait till a case come in.

And then there she was, sitting by the table, drinking club soda, waiting for her mother to arrive. Olivia felt like she should tell her about the fact that she will be working sex crimes.

Memories began flashing in her brain as she was staring at the glass in front of her.

She first asked about her father when she was three, after seeing other kids in the neighborhood with both parents and being asked by two-year old Joey who lived down the block where her father was. Serena didn't answer Olivia, instead she picked the girl up and put her in bed, looking straight into the chocolate brown little eyes, simply said, "you won't understand". What young Olivia couldn't understand was the look in Serena's eyes. Serena stood up, turned around, grabbed a bottle out of nowhere, poured the liquid down her throat. Olivia jumped off bed, wrapped her little arms around Serena's leg, asked," did I make you upset, mommy?" Serena caressed her head, didn't say anything as tears dropped.

Olivia was first hit by her mother on her fifth birthday. Serena had been drunk every second of the past week, and when Olivia happily accepted the fruit cake their neighbor, Mrs Green, a nice old lady, had made for her, and went back to her own apartment, Serena snapped all of a sudden. She grabbed Olivia's hair, causing her to scream and dropped the first birthday cake she ever got. Serena slapped her in the face, pinched her in the arm, and then pushed her onto the bed on her stomach, shouted,"you are not a fucking baby anymore, stop crying!" When Olivia continued sobbing, Serena's fist dropped on her back. Olivia cried herself to sleep that night, she couldn't understand why her mother hated her birthday so much. When she woke up the next morning, however, Serena was sitting on the side of her bed, smiling with swollen red teary eyes, whispering," I am so sorry for hitting you, honey."

There was this mean boy in Olivia's class, Ted. After his mother let the fact that Serena drank a lot slipped her mouth, he started making fun of Olivia every day. And then one day in third grade he asked, "Where is your father? Did he left your mother cause she is never sober?" Olivia froze, her mind completely blank as Ted laughed. She asked Serena about her father again that night, only to get beaten so badly that she had to visit the ER with Mrs Green while Serena passed out on the couch with vodka bottles on the floor. And then she missed school for a week. She kept her mouth shut the entire night after her first day back to school, but when Serena tucked her for bed, she said, "Honey, I can't tell you about your father cause you won't understand. But I promise you, I will tell you when you grow up, ok?" Olivia nodded. Serena bend over, kissed her forehead, whispered, "I love you."

Olivia went to a summer camp at sixth grade. She had fun there. But one day all the parents just appeared, while the camp wasn't due to end in another week. She heard the word "pedophile" for the first time in her life. She didn't understand what had happened or why all the parents were freaking out. When Serena appeared, she ran towards Olivia and hugged her so tight that almost choked her. When Serena pulled back, Olivia was surprised to find tears in her eyes. Then the police came, sent all the girls home, saying that the perp only targeted young boys. Serena was thrilled at the news, she didn't took Olivia home, but to a store and bought her a lot of clothes and then to her favorite Italian place, allowed her to order Serena's least favorite dish.

The night before Olivia went to high school, Serena told her about her father and the rape. She talked with tears for half an hour, then gave her daughter a sad smile, "that's why I have always hated your birthday, cause it always remind me of that night." Olivia hugged her mother, not knowing what to say. Serena continued, "I'm so sorry for hitting you so often, it's just, your eyes always remind me of those eyes I remember staring at me in the dark." They hugged tight for a long time, for the first time in years Olivia felt maybe, just maybe things between herself and her mother is getting better.

But she was wrong, nothing actually changed. Serena kept drinking, and still hit her from time to time. Things worsened when Olivia began dating that student of Serena's.

Olivia shook her head, drink all the soda left in her glass. This is a part of the memory she probably never would want think about again. And probably the reason she fell for the guy twice her age so quickly the second year. She didn't know where she belonged any more.

She closed her eyes, trying to recall more of those pieces of memories about her mother. Then she realized that she barely talk to her mother ever since college. She stayed in the dorm all the time, never went home, even on holidays. Serena had used to call her quite often, but she always managed to hang up the phone in five minutes. Then Serena would only call her once a month, yet still, less than five minutes every time. Serena offered to attend her graduation, but Olivia declined. The same routine applied for her time at the police academy. All those years, Olivia knew that Serena never stopped drinking. She also didn't blame her for anything any longer. Olivia knew for sure that she loves her mother and her mother loves her, but the R word is simply too much for Serena. Olivia began to see her mother as a strong women, as she managed to bring a kid up on oneself, she had her problems but she never denied them, and she loved the daughter of her rapist. In fact, Olivia minimized the contact with Serena cause she felt that the less Serena saw or heard her daughter, the less upset she become, and the less she would drink. Olivia knew clearly that she was always the trigger of Serena's agony.

The night before Olivia started working as a uniform officer, Serena came by, with Italian take-out, from the store Olivia loved when she was still a kid. They had dinner, made small talks, watched some lousy tv. Than Serena turned around to look straight into the chocolate brown eyes passed on to Olivia along with the genes of violent and cruelty. "I'm so proud of you", she said, with tears. Olivia squeezed her hand, smiled. Serena took out a piece of paper, handed it to her. It was a phone number Olivia didn't recognize. "Leave a message to this number's voicemail everyday, I won't call you back. Well, unless you want me to. I just... This is a dangerous job and you...I can't afford to lose you... I...I just... I would always like to know if my girl is alright." Tears are now flushing down Serena's face. Olivia took the paper, nodded, then hugged her mother tightly.

A tap on the shoulder caused Olivia to jump. It was Serena.

"Hey, mother." She said.

"What's wrong, honey? "

"Nothing, I was, just...thinking."

The waiter came and took their order.

"So, why dinner today?" Serena asked. Olivia hadn't technically talked to her mother about today's dinner, she only left a message on the "voicemail only" number, told her the time and the address of the restaurant. Olivia knew Serena would come, no doubt.

Olivia shrugged, "Talk...We haven't actually talked in some time...And there's something I need to tell you about."

As they finished their entrée, Olivia realized that they have ran put of insignificance topics and it's really time to move on to the real propose of the night.

Serena seemed to feel the same at the exact same time. "So, what is it that you need to tell me?"

"Mom, I told you that I made detective a month ago, didn't I?"

"Yes...You left a message. And I am proud of you, so much."

Olivia paused, not sure how to get to the point, without surprising or scaring Serena too much. "And... Have you ever heard of a special victims unit?"

Serena's confused look told Olivia that she don't know about the name, SVU. The unit was called simply as sex crimes when her rape happened.

Olivia took a deep breath, sighed, before she started. "Mom, hear me out before you say anything or get too emotional...Well, it's a unit where everyone works there are volunteered...And, there was an opening...I applied for the spot the day I got my golden shield, I mean, I want to work this unit. They interviewed me, and I got the job, and... I started today..." Olivia looked up, found Serena listening attentively. Olivia sipped her wine', stared at the glass, "This unit works sex crimes."

Serena was definitely in shook, she stared at Olivia, confusion, worry, wonder all in her eye. Yet Olivia didn't see those expressions, her eyes were still fixed on the wine glass. It was a minute until Serena finally spoke up, slowly, "Are you sure this is what you want?"

Olivia looked into the wrinkled eyes, "Yes." Her voice filled with passion and determination.

"Why? Does this have anything to do with...you know." Serena's voice had calm down a bit.

"This is what I want since forever ago." Olivia didn't answer the question.

"When exactly?" Serena seemed not to mind.

"The night you told me about my father."

"But you didn't even want to become a cop in high school." Serena was confused.

"What I wanted was to help those...victims...I wanted to be a therapist or a social worker, remember?"

Serena nodded.

Olivia continued, "There was this girl lived next door to my dorm in college, she was...eh...well, raped...I saw her suffer, I tried my best to be there for her as a friend, and of course the police was involved...The witness statement, the line-up, the grand jury, the hearings, the trial...And after the guy was put in prison, surprisingly, she started to heal, faster than ever. It's like I suddenly realized, that simply being there was not enough. Putting the scumbag away was the solution."

Serena could see the toughness in her daughter's eyes.

"This IS what I want, mom." Olivia was afraid that Serena would snap.

She didn't. She just finished her lemon mousse in silent. Then she looked up, trying to read the expression in Olivia's eyes. "Promise me one thing honey." She finally said.

"Yeah?"

"Don't ever get yourself too deeply involved. And if you ever find the job has become too much for you, stop doing it."

"Mom..."

"Promise me!" Serena sounded serious.

"Okey." Olivia knew that the only reason Serena asked this is because she cared. No need to argue, actually.

Serena didn't say anything until Olivia put the last bit of her chocolate brownie in her mouth. "Do you hate me?" She asked.

"Huh?! Why would I hate you, mom?" Olivia was more than surprised.

"Cause I was never a good mother... I hit you so often, was never there for you, drink to much...Well, I was never quite like a mother..." Serena didn't look up as she speak.

"Mom, I don't hate you. And I had never hated you. And I will never hate you. You are talking nonsense."

Serena kept her head down. "I just feel so sorry, for all that I have done to you."

"Mom, I never blamed you." Olivia said with a smile.

Serena reached out to squeeze Olivia's hand.

"I need to apologize to you too." Olivia's voice was almost a whisper.

Serena shoot Olivia a look, which the latter know as a question mark.

Olivia took a deep breath. "Well, I haven't been a good daughter as well. I ran away from you as much as I can, I mean, ever since...you know...that night. I knew what you did was the result of not wanting me to leave...eh...I knew your problem and I didn't like it, of course, yet I never tried to help you get through it...I..."

Serena cut her off, "Now who's talking nonsense..."

"I knew better, I mean, I had been reading about victims, PTSD, stress for a long time, and I kept acting like a stupid kid, I just, always allow my emotions get to me...I am sorry, mom." Olivia said sincerely.

Serena opened her mouth, as if she was gonna say something, but nothing came out through her lips. She sipped her drink, tilted her head, squeezed Olivia's hand tighter, smiled, "Apologize accepted."

Olivia tried to hold back her tears. She was certain that things are definitely better between them now .

Serena pulled her hand back, which caused Olivia to look up. "So, you forgive me?" Serena's eyes were still smily.

Olivia nodded. She felt like she would cry if she open her mouth and say anything.

"You know, I love you, a lot." Serena said softly.

"I know, and I love you too, so much." Olivia's voice was merely a whisper as a drop of tear ran down her cheek.

Author's Note: The way I describe the relationship is based a lot on how the dinner went in the very first episode of SVU and how Sonya reminded Olivia of Serena in season 11 after Sonya showing up drank in court.

The title, "Forgiveness and Love", is from the song of Miley Cyrus.

Hope you like it. Please review! o(^_^)o