Don't You Know Me?
by CrinkleCutRuffles

Disclaimer: J K Rowling created the wonderful world in which Harry Potter lives and all the characters attached to it. I don't pretend to lay claim to any of it. I (unfortunately) own the characters Filiola, Indyo and Raika. But then again I don't really care if you want to take them and do something with them. This was written prior to reading Order of the Phoenix so you will find no spoilers contained herein.

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Draco had been having a rather enjoyable summer. He'd taken a trip to Knockturn Alley and acquired some rather interesting articles filled with Dark Magic. Several of the cats from next door had exploded and he'd watched in delight as their house elf had run around with bits of fur and guts steaming on his head. What had been less fun was his father berating him for being so obvious about his evil tendencies in front of the neighbours. "Subtlety is the key, Draco" he had murmured.

Draco swept down the hallway and then making sure his mother wasn't looking had bewitched the broom to do it for him. He stepped backwards to lean against the wall with his arms crossed and the best scowl on his face that he could conjure up. His back touched something soft and squishy that said "Ow"

Draco spun around and saw a girl already leaning against the wall with a cute button nose. Well at least it isn't a zipper he thought to himself. "Who are you?"

"I'm your sister Filiola, don't you remember, Draco?" her delicate brow wrinkled in confusion. She'd been having an absolute beast of a day and didn't want to have to put up with this from her brother of all people.

He looked her up and down. Silver-blonde hair cascaded down to her fourth rib. "I don't have a sister."

Filiola looked crestfallen. "Yes you do, I'm your twin sister"

"A twin sister?" he burst out laughing. "And what? You were taught at home...because I've sure as hell never seen you at Hogwarts"

"That's because I was sent to Beauxbatons instead, but this year I'm going to Hogwarts."

Draco reached into the sleeve of his robes for his wand and pointed it at her as he took a deep breath, his mind trying to think of the best curse possible to use in a situation like this.

"Don't you want to know why?" she cried as it became obvious the author was likely to cut her off before what could be a major plot point.

He sneered at her, "Why would I want to know something like that?"

"Well I'm the black sheep of the family. Have you been hit with a Memory Charm?" her brown crinkled again and she was really starting to look unattractive what with her face all screwed up like that. "In the summers we bond about Daddy's mistreatment of us" She fluttered her eyelids over her dark purple eyes that reminded him of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans. "Because Daddy beats us," she added quietly.

"Daddy?" he raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Oh god. FATHER!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

Lucius Malfoy entered the hallway, resplendent in his resplendentness. "What is it, Draco?" He bit off each word carefully and then proceeded to chew on them for a while.

His son looked up at him with a smirk on his lips, "Have you been shagging the neighbour's flock again? Claims she's the black sheep of the family"

Malfoy Snr shifted his gaze to the creature in front of him, her eggplant flavoured eyes were pleading with him. It made his stomach turn...and do a little incessantly stupid Muggle dance. "Another one?" he sighed. "I thought I told that stupid house elf to block up the hole. How do they keep getting in?"

He poked her with his wand and she burst into tears. "Please Daddy, don't do it!" she sobbed into her black silk robes. Dark purple tears spilled down her cheeks and made her face look all streaky...like a zebra that had just been told stripes were "out" this season.

"Ugh!" Lucius exclaimed in distaste. "They really are most unpleasant, aren't they?"

"Shall I put her in the dungeon with the others?" asked Draco, as he too looked rather displeased at this blatant act of soppy emotion going on in their hallway.

Lucius began to nod and then thought better of it. "No. I have a demonstration at the Junior Death Eaters Association tonight...they'll need someone to practice on. Put her in the hall closet so I don't forget her on the way out" He flicked a hand at her as if she were a fly. "And do something about her mouth would you. It's sprouting the most awful tripe" As he finished this command several layers of rotting sheep stomach lining fell from Filiola's lips.

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In the dark dungeons below Hogwarts castle a drop of water went 'plink' into a cauldron. In the corner of the same room Severus Snape glowered. For the last half hour he had been trying very hard to finish up a potion mixture but the incessant 'plinking' was getting to him. He watched as another drop fell from the ceiling and began its descent to plinkdom.

"I wouldn't it I were you" he said evenly.

The droplet stopped mid air and if it had had a brain, thought for a second. Slowly it sidestepped its way towards the wall and melted into the slimy stone.

"That's better. And it goes for the rest of you too!" he pointed a menacing figure at the array of droplets on the ceiling that were about to do a bungee jump without a cord. They respectfully sidled towards the corner and slid down to the floor and made absolutely no noise at all.

Severus turned back to his cauldron and checked over the ingredients for the shampoo again. He was never one to buy commercialized 'junk' when he could make his own he'd told Albus. The problem was that although Severus Snape was a brilliant Potions Master who would whip up a Wolfsbane Potion without even blinking he could never get the hang of the intricacies of shampoo. He pushed a hand through his greasy hair and then oiled up the squeaky handle on the cauldron. A knock on the heavy wooden door caused him to once again use his patented Displeased Look #15.

At least it isn't a student he thought they won't turn up for another few weeks. As he pulled open the door, there in the corridor stood what he nastily suspected was a student. She was wearing dark green robes with a fluffy collar and smelled unpleasantly of cat.

Her black hair, so black it looked like the ocean at midnight, rippled like water. A fish poked it's head out through a few strands and then retreated when it saw Severus giving it a most terrible glare. "What do you want?"

"P-p-please sir. I was after Professor Severus Snape"

"School doesn't start until September. Good bye" and he slammed the door in her face. A few small pinkish grubs seemed to be stuck to the crack in the door and he tried to pull them out.

A shriek like a banshee echoed through the lower levels of Hogwarts as the girl realised he'd shut her fingers in the door. Rather reluctantly Severus opened the door. "Is there something I can help you with?" he spat out, regretting his politeness immediately.

"P-p-please don't sh-sh-shut the door on me again. I've just come to see you because I'm your daughter"

"Rubbish. Entirely impossible" he answered.

"But Mummy said that-"

"I don't give a hoot what your Mummy said. In case you haven't noticed I am the most uptight person in world. There is no way I could have had sex in my life...ever"

"But why would she lie-?" The girl droned on and on but Severus found himself using the time to gather a few ingredients from the bench nearby and to locate his wand. He may have been a spy for Dumbledore and working for the light side but he still had a good three or four vouchers for evil left. He chose to use one of those now.

A squelch sounded and what once had been Indyo Clarabella Longbottom-Snape was now a pile of frogs livers, quivering slightly. Snape smiled, or rather what passed as a smile for him. The corners of his mouth turned up but his lips didn't part.

"One less trip to the Apothecary" he said to himself while adding the frog livers to a jar marked Student Supplies.

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A girl was sitting in their usual compartment. A pretty girl with chocolate brown hair sculpted to her head in a weird fashion of little plaits and spikes. Every so often she would reach up to break a few pieces off to nibble on. She looked to be about 15 years old and had her head buried in a book. Unfortunately she could still breathe.

She had on distinctly Muggle clothing of the teenybopper variety. A short denim skirt with a chunky white belt and a bright pink halter-top that showed off cleavage one could dive into provided you had the proper equipment and a license. Her midriff showed and a hole was punched through her navel with a piece of stainless steel. It held a sparkling orange jewel attached to it of some kind that looked like it might be important later in the story. But looks can be deceiving. She had her feet up the seat and was bopping her head along to the music coming from her Discman. Even from several metres away Harry thought it contained too strong a drum beat for his liking. Hermione meanwhile couldn't figure out how she could read at the same time as listening to music.

The girl glanced up and saw them staring. "Oh hi, how y'all doing? Do ya wanna sit?" she chewed gum as she spoke and the second she opened her mouth they knew she was American. "Well don't just stand there, plant your ass on a seat!" she giggled and it was more annoying than anything else she'd done so far. It was like fingernails going down a blackboard and then said fingernails trying to sing.

Ron looked flabbergasted. Harry resisted the urge to put his hands over his ears.

"I'm Raika by the way. Raika Larina Johnston. I just transferred to Hogwarts from the Salem Witches Institute"

"Transferred?"

"From America?"

"Yeah, Mom wanted to move to England cause she thought those cottages in the country looked cute. Weird, huh?"

"Hogwarts doesn't take transfer students" Hermione was standing with her arms crossed and was daring this new girl to challenge her.

The girl stood up and a few spikes of her hair fell to the floor. She took a few steps towards Hermione and Ron took a few steps around behind her and slipped the chocolate spikes into his pocket for safe keeping. "Says who?"

"Says Hogwarts: A History"

"That's a weird name for a girl"

"It's a book you twit. And who moves to England because of the cottages? Honestly. If I didn't know any better I'd say you're evil"

The girl raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth so her jaw was on an angle and she looked like Daddy had just taken away her credit card. Then her eyes teared up a little as some semblance of an emotion decided to show itself. "Why are you so mean to me? I hardly even know you!" she sniffed and wiped her arm across her nose. A long line of snot trailed its way from her nose to her ear. "Well I didn't want to say anything before because Dumbledore told me to keep it quiet but it's really because Lord Voldemort is after me. He wants to kill me. I bet you feel bad for being horrible to me now"

Harry actually burst out laughing. Ron fell to the ground and had to hold his sides as his laughter took over all control of his body. Harry managed to splutter out, "He wants to kill you? That's the funniest thing I've heard all day! Hermione I think you're right...we've got another one!"

All at once they pointed their wands and, "Petrificus Totalus!" The blast sent the girl back onto the seat and froze her in a sitting position. Her eyes like two little pieces of jade shone weirdly in the lamp light of the carriage.

"Do you think we were right to do that?" queried Hermione as she adjusted her Prefect badge on her collar.

"Well you said it yourself, she's probably a spy for You Know Who" Ron gave her pat on the shoulder and smiled. "What are we going to do with her?"

They looked around the compartment trying to find a place to store her so they wouldn't have to look at her for the journey. Eventually all their eyes ended up in the same place.

"Out the window then?"

"What a brilliant idea"

Hermione hefted the window open while Ron and Harry picked up the stiff body of Raika and shoved her out the window just as they were passing over a very high bridge.

They watched in satisfaction as she created a rather large splash in the churning waters below. The impact caused her leg to snap off and her foot embedded itself in her forehead. If they had been down at the edge of the river they would have heard the faint words "But...I'm special" mix in with the blood-thickened water. But alas there was only a badger nearby and it merely giggled to itself before shuffling away.

"Right" said Ron sitting down and pulling out a pack of cards. "Who's for a game of Exploding Snap then?"

THE END

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A/N: Due to the popularity of my Lord of the Rings Mary Sue parody – Never Had A Chance – I couldn't resist adding one to the Harry Potter verse. It's not as good though, but I try.