The Summer Prof Oak met Donkey Kong
By: TimePrime2
Co-written by TimPrime1
Age: 25
It was a hot and steamy summer and nobody was wearing clothes in Pallet town.
Ever since ash left for Middle Earth with Gandalf and The Fresh Prince of Bel-air on the S. S. Anne, not only has the economy collapsed, but global warming is raising the temperature here in the wonderful world of Pokemon. Summer was just getting started.
A Starmie was spinning quickly while spraying a mist of water into the air. Brock and his new girlfriend Misty were sitting in their one piece bathing suites trying to cool off. "Man, I wish my favorite Pokemon Sonic The Hedgehog would return home from the hunt. I'm starving", said Brock. Misty furrowed her brow and said, "Brock, you need to shave those eye brows. How can you even see? Those things are gross and crusty." Brock simply smiled and said, "Babe, it's these eyebrows that made you want me in the first place." She laughed and farted loudly.
"Here he comes!" exclaimed one of the professor's intern assistants.
Slowly, out of the woods crawled a small fat Italian man wearing overalls with a 400 lb moose carcass being dragged behind him.
"It is him, it's Sonic The Hedgehog!" said the new assistant. Everyone was real happy. Everyone except Professor Oak, that is.
Professor Oaks mood changed immediately. "I don't like Italians and I don't want him to cook the food. I'm not going to have another repeat of The Olive Garden!"
And that's when Oak had his flash back.
He was a young man just out of Science High School and he was on a hot date with Ashes Mom. She was, like, 11 at the time. He didn't have much money so he ordered the soup salad and bread sticks and two waters. "THIS IS ALL YOU THINK OF ME!" exclaimed ashes mom. "Wait! I made you a bracelet out of breakfast cereal and yarn!"
She left him there sobbing in the restaurant. That was a terrible day.
Oak glanced over at her and she looked away as if without any sympathy. Misty and Brock just looked at each other and shrugged uncomfortably.
Suddenly, from the woods behind Sonic The Hedgehog, a powerful roar was emitted and the sound of stomping could be felt by everyone in Pallet Town.
"Satan's Beard!" cried Ashes mom. To the groups horror, a large red Ape with a tie came thwamping through the forests. The ape uprooted an entire tree and slapped Sonic the Hedgehog with it. Sonic flew into the sky screaming "Kahmehamehe" which is Italian for something, probably.
The beast saw the group and let out a giant bellowing roar that sent shivers down their spines. He pointed at Oak and made a throat slitting gesture at him.
"Everyone get inside the lab, quick!" Yelled Oak, and they all rushed inside. Everyone got like, real scared. They huddled together in a corner in the back of the lab behind a table with three pokeballs on it.
Brock held Misty close. She was sobbing uncontrollably. Brock looked to Oak. "What do we do?!"
Oak was facing away from everyone. He was ominously quiet for a few moments…
"First, I'm going to have to tell you all a story…"
He sighed.
"Everyone has heard of the legend of the Pokemon Mew, right?"
"No… what's a Mew professor?" enquired the new assistant.
"According to legend, Mew was a powerful Ice Bird type Pokemon that once terrified nations and murdered women and children for fun thousands of years ago. We discovered in the early 80's that there was truth to the legends… "
Another flashback.
"Hurry up you damned gypsies!" Oak was most perturbed by his new workers. They were younger than the last ones, the average age being only nine, so he didn't understand why they were so slow. It's not like their work had truly injured any of them yet.
Just then a young man darted through the dark with a scared and deranged look on his face. "Mewtanka! Ogaboogaboogalooga hanky panky ding dong! Mewtanka!" He was screaming and he kept running out of the cave. The rest of the gypsy workers yelled something in Weabooese (their native tongue) and ran past Oak almost trampling him in the process.
"Where the hell are you going you filthy savage heathens!?" yelled oak after them. He got up, dusted himself off, and picked up a torch. He didn't understand what the fuss was about, but he knew he couldn't go back empty handed again. This was his last chance at Science University, and if he blew it, he would never be taken seriously again by the Scientific Community of Scientists doing Science Club.
He walked through the hallway. Suddenly, there were paintings and carvings all over the walls. He cleared some cobwebs and blew the dust away, so that he could get a better look.
What he saw excited him greatly. It was a carving of the legendary ice bird Mew. "Finally, all my work is paying off!"
*Scratch scratch scratch*
Oak turned, startled by the noise, and strained to see into the room at the end of the hallway. He crept slowly forward, on his guard.
At the end of of hallway he saw a number of clay jars on the floor, and there, in the middle of the room was an ornate stone sarcophagus. He lifted the lid of the sarcophagus and threw the heavy stone slab to the ground. The room resonated with a loud bang.
Oak peered into the sarcophagus. There was dust, and a single blue feather… Icy blue…
Oak couldn't wait to return to Science University with his findings. He placed the feather in his fanny pack and rushed out of the cave excited.
He was blinding by the light of the sun when he rushed out, so he almost didn't see the group of gunmen surrounding the mouth of the cave.
"You will surrender the artifact at once and come with us!" yelled the African American man in charge.
Shit. It was the Soviets.
"I am Comrade Obama. You will come with me and my men at once.
Oak knew there was nothing he could do. He threw his hands in the air as to surrender. He knew not what fate awaited him. They threw a sack over his head. They led him through the wilderness
"Where are we?!"
It was pitch black and Oak couldn't see anything. Suddenly there was light, and then Oak could see the cherry of a cigarette and the glow of Obama's face.
"Welcome to the basement of Communist Community College, Professor. You will be doing research for us. You will make us a weapon that will destroy our enemies and force everyone to accept our socialist health care policies."
Oak sneered. "Bastards."
Suddenly the butt of a gun smashed into Oak's jaw. The other armed soldier in the room meant there was no way he could overpower Obama and escape.
"You will work for us or else" said Obama coolly. The lights came on with a click.
Obama threw an image of Oaks secret daughter on the floor and awaited Oak's reaction with a sinister grin.
"Leave her out of this!". Oak was nearly in tears.
"We can end her life any time Professor. If you cooperate, we won't have to do anything to her."
"Now" said Obama with a much less ominous tone to his voice. Meet your assistants. Oak saw a number of Russian scientists in lab coats and despised everyone of them. He began his plans to kill them all immediately. With every hand he shook, he forced his rage deeper into his bowels. He would kill them all later. He swore. He would see them all dead.
Months had gone by. All that time and all that work had coalesced to this moment. Professor Fuckokov threw the switch. God I hope this works thought Oak. Understanding Mews DNA was no easy task, because it was the 80s and computers were all pretty shitty at that time. The Reds wanted to splice Mews DNA with that of a human in order to make a super soldier.
The machine made a weird hushing sound and smoke filled the room. Everyone was pretty excited… Everyone except Oak, that is.
On the table sat a small Red monkey with a tie. It was crying. Everyone was shaking hands and celebrating, but Oak was suddenly thinking of his daughter. He remembered how she cried when she was born. How his wife had died giving birth, and how he felt when the conflicting emotions nearly ripped him apart from the inside has he gazed down at his daughter. He ended up leaving the girl at an orphanage in Lavender town. He regretted it every day of his life.
Oak approached the monkey creature, picked it up, and held it in his arms as to comfort and warm it.
Obama came in with a squad of soldiers. The baby was snatched from him and he was hit in the head with a blunt object… He blacked out.
He awoke the next day, nude, on the side of the road with a really bad headache. He followed the road to the nearest town, Pallet Town, where he was cared for by the locals.
"What a story", said Ashes mother. Her eyes were glossed over as if touched by Oaks tale. Their gaze locked briefly, but was suddenly interrupted by the banging on the door from the monster that lurked outside.
"I think the monster has come to meet its maker", said Oak.