Right... There wasn't really enough room to say how ridiculously stupid this is going to be in the summary thing. So just for the record - this is going to be Ridiculously stupid...

Warnings

Language - (obviously! But I kinda meant that there would be bad language... Not just language...)


MAJOR OOCness - And I really mean it. So if you don't like it, by all means you can still read it. But don't say I didn't warn you!


 Minor sexual references - Really minor actually... Hardly worth even mentioning. But I will anyway. Just to be safe.

Also this is the sister story to 'Noctis the skirt chaser.' So if you have read that then you know what to expect. And if you know what to expect and you still read this then you need to see a doctor…

However if you haven't read 'Noctis the shirt chaser' then please feel free! It's similar to this one (I think)

So now you have all got that murderous look in your eyes that tell me I should shut the hell up and get on with it…

So... Without further ado... Here is 'How to solve a problem like sangria'

Please enjoy.

* * * * *

"Fang?"

"Yeah?" came the reply over the booming music.

"Have you seen Lightning!?"

"What!? I can't hear you over the music!"

"HAVE YOU SEEN LIGHTNING!?"

"YEAH!"

"WHERE?"

"YEAH!"

"I SAID WHERE!?"

A second of silence followed. If you can call blaring music 'silence' that is.

"Yeah!"

Vanille shook her head, laughing. "You are such a deaf git!"

"Yeah!"

* * *

Where the hell has she got to? wondered Vanille as she walked out of the club. She's like a kid. Turn your back for more than half a second and she's off on her own adventure… She stopped in front of a group of guys who looked the most unlikely to wolf whistle and leer at her. Unfortunately she had not yet learnt the number one fact of life. All guys are idiots.

"Excuse me? Have you seen my friend? She has pink hair and-"

"That depends upon whether you've seen my 'friend'"

They all burst out laughing like the sick idiots that are created by the act of mixing alcohol and testosterone.

"Sorry but what does he look like?" she asked.

Before the first guy could respond he was interrupted by one of the others. (Hence proving the second fact of life – some guys are less of an idiot than others. These are rare.)

"Ignore him," he said, "I might have seen her. Was she wearing shoes?"

"Well… yes."

"Can't have been her then I'm afraid. The chick I saw had no shoes…"

"Well… I suppose she could have taken them off? Where did she go?"

* * *

"Fuck off!"
"Wow... Sorry. I just thought-"
Lightning stumbled to her feet and prodded the guy in the chest.
"My boyfriend could KICK your ass!" she said whilst holding onto the bar for support. "Come to think of it… I could kick your ass!"
"Look, I'm really sorry! I thought-"

"You thought that I was an easy lay?"

"What!? NO!"

"Well I've got news for you, Jackass! I'M NOT!"

"I thought-"
"Yeah well you know what thought did, don't you," she interrupted, "thought he could wipe his-"
"Lightning! There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!"
"Hello my red headed, pig tailed bundle of... Stuff..." said Lightning by way of a greeting. The victim of her drunken rage took this as an opportunity to excuse himself. (Which is also sometimes referred to as "give up mate. She's more interested in the shit stuck to the bottom of her shoe. But 10 points for effort")

"When did you leave Nemo's bar?" Vanille asked her, frowning slightly whilst trying to hide a grin.
"I haven't!" gasped Lightning, surprise etched on her face.
"Ah. Yeah you have!" Vanille helpfully informed her.
"But how in Odin's afro did I get here!?"
"Well," started Vanille, "you could have, y'know... walked?" She shrugged.
"Aha! That's what they want you to think!"
"Who's they!?"
Lightning glanced around as if checking to see whether anyone was listening. "Who cares!?" She did another 'anyone listening? Yoo-hoo? Anybody listening?' check before leaning close to Vanille. "Now normally I would have to kill you after telling you this but as I like you so much I promise I won't… I can fly!"
There was a silence. Quite a long silence. Actually it was really long. Ah who am I trying to kid!? It was incredibly long! Rumour has it that you could fit three regular sized silences in it and still have enough room to swing a cat!
"Ok you are drunk" sighed Vanille.
"No I'm not! What makes you think that!?"
Vanille put a hand on her hip and sighed. "Well you can hardly stand up, you've lost your shoes, you think you can fly-"
"I can fly!"
"... You think that there is someone watching you... And what the hell are you doing to that cat!?"
"Swinging it," was the matter-of-fact reply.
"...why?"
"To prove the idiot who is writing this shit wrong!"
"What the hell!? No one is writing this!"
"There is! He's up there! The guy who is trying not to laugh and keeps making me say stupid things! I'm not even drunk! He's just making me act like I am to show me up in front of my hordes of fans!"

"You are drunk!"

Lightning shrugged. "Yeah. Probs."

"So why are you swinging a cat?"

"He said there was enough room to swing a cat!" she said as the cat impacted with a guy's head as he was on his way to the gents'. Spinning cat + passing guy x impact = unconscious guy + 'miaow'.
"Ha! Up yours you fucking idiot! I knew there wasn't enough room to swing a cat in here! I win! Now make me sleep with Noctis! Now!"
Unsurprisingly there was another silence. This silence put the last one to shame. You could fit countless regular silences in it and this time have enough room to swing a giraffe! Not only that but there was also enough time for the author to hide all nearby giraffes who were, at that moment in time, in danger of being swung around a packed bar by a deranged main character.
"I heard that, Jackass!!!" Lightning screamed whilst scanning the room for any giraffes that may have been missed by the half blind author. "Gimme a giraffe dammit!!!"
"Lightning? What did you just say?"
"I said 'gimme a giraffe dammit!!!'"
"No. Before that."
"Erm..." Lightning screwed up her face, deep in thought. It looked painful.
"Stop picking on me, Jackass! Vanille!? Tell him to stop picking on me! I can think without it looking painful! Watch..."
(Another painful expression)
Vanille dived on Lightning (thereby completing a million fanboys' dreams) to stop her from exploding. She very nearly failed. Very nearly.
"Lightning! Listen! Did you just imply you wanted to sleep with Noctis!?"
Another pause but this one wasn't quite as impressive as the others. It was pretty pathetic actually.
"Did I?"
"YES!" Vanille cried, exasperated.
Lightning thought for a second. "Well I can't remember actually saying that... But you wouldn't say no to a bit of the Noct would you!?" She then proceeded to burst into a fit of giggles whilst the author was brutally murdered by all the Lightning fanboy/girls.
Vanille meanwhile stood, frozen to the spot with her mouth wide open, slowly forming into a smile. "You have got to be kidding me!? But... Wow! I never actually knew that you did! I mean sure I always tease you about it but..."
Lightning held up a sign reading, "Can eye speke?" (alcohol does wonders for spelling. Trust me on that one…)
Vanille continued regardless. "So you seriously like him. What are you going to do!? You're going to tell him aren't you!? C'mon! You have GOT to tell him!! So what are you going to do...?"
Lightning held up a hand, asking Vanille to wait whilst she furiously scribbled away on the back of her sign, occasionally frowning and rubbing a part away to correct it.
When she finally finished she held it up. Vanille immediately blushed, bright red.
She had drawn a diagram of two stick people in a rather... compromising position. Just in case Vanille hadn't understood she had labelled the people. "meeeeeee" and "sexy Noct."
"Erm... Don't you think that this is a bit... Extreme? Y'know... shouldn't you talk first? And... stuff? It just seems a bit quick all at once..."
Lightning (who had, for some unknown reason, reverted to mime) nodded her head grudgingly and set to work, altering the picture. When she had finished she flipped it round again with an expression on her face that said, "better?"
Vanille sighed and said, "I don't think you get what I mean... I didn't mean that the... position was a bit too far. I mean everything! You need to talk to him first and not just... act drunkenly and do something you will regret later."
Lightning looked at Vanille, disbelief on her face. "Are you actually of the female... variety? Is that the right word?" She shrugged, not really caring. "How can you ever regret THAT!?"
On the word 'THAT' she lifted up her diagram, brandishing it around.
"Stop waving it around," hissed Vanille, attempting to snatch it off her.
"NO!!! THIS IS MINE! I MIGHT NEED IT FOR REFERENCE LATER IN CASE I FORGET!!!"
Vanille stared in horror. "No! You can't! No Lightning! Hey! Where are you going!? Come back!"
"I," Lightning began, rather haughtily for someone who was stumbling along, holding onto the bar with both hands and barefoot, "am going... home..."
She would have been quite convincing if not for the fact that she made a show of congratulating herself on her lie immediately after and in a very loud voice.
"Fine!" said Vanille, holding both hands up in the air in defeat. "Go ahead. But don't come crying to me when you come to your senses!"

* * *

Argh my fucking head thought Lightning as she rolled over, her eyes closed. What the hell happened last night!? She vaguely remembered being out with Vanille but, as hard as she tried couldn't remember how the hell she had managed to get home. Ah well, I'll feel better after a nice shower.
She swung her legs out of bed, opening her eyes as she did so. She froze in horror. The first thing she noticed was that she was completely naked. The second was that she didn't have a clue where she was.
She stayed where she was, wrapping the duvet around her body and blearily reached for her phone. She punched in the number and shakily lifted it to her ear.
"Vanille? Where am I?" she asked in an extremely quiet voice.
As she listened her eyes grew wider and her mouth opened more and more.


 "Oh... Fuck..."


Did she? Didn't she? Does anyone really care that much!? Didn't think so…

So yeah… That got a bit out of hand... Oops! But I hope you enjoyed it anyway... Yeah?

Oh yeah by the way. Y'know in my last fic where I said that if you click the review button you get money? Yeah... I lied.

But THIS time if you click it you get a copy of FFXIII!!!

See you next time!

(Next time comes in the form of Noctis getting into a bit of a pickle with a motorbike… don't blame me blame the guys over at Yuki Minamoto's forums… Actually… yeah it was my fault…)

Qwerty91