All the belongs to JE is hers, I'm just borrowing and my bank account hasn't grown from it. Thanks, Lee Anne
Storage Wars 'Burg' Style
"OK," Ranger said standing in the front of the morning meeting. He was head-to toe black, his long hair in the trademark ponytail, and ridges were prominent in the painted on black T-shirt. "So Mikey Gabba Goo." He stopped a moment letting that name sink into his brain as he repeated the skip's name. Only in Trenton. The FTA had to have connections to the 'Burg' to be walking the streets with a name like that. The criminal missed his court date and Vinnie was squirming in his pants. He put up a $150,000 bond. He robbed three funeral homes. In one he surprised a mortician working late on a body waving a box cutter in his face, tied him up, and wheeled the body out. It was found on a park bench reading the newspaper. The body was quite blue.
Adding 'abuse of a corpse' to his list of charges, Mikey was also caught selling 'hot' caskets on EBAY. His home address and that of his immediate family were all staked out. His mother, sister, and Mikey all lived in the same block; so it was easy. But no skip. "He's still out there and we have two days left on the contract. Do we have any other leads?"
"Ranger, Bobby and I were watching last night again. Our asses are sore. We've been staking out for two nights in a row. He's not in Trenton."
"Your sore ass is not my problem."
His attention went to the back of the conference room. He heard Stephanie's voice in the hall. "Come on, Grandma."
Standing next to his 'Babe' was her small, tight curled Grandma in white boat shoes, blue capris, and a striped sailor top. She looked ready for a day sailing on the Delaware River. "Look at this place. There are more hot guys here than at three Chippendale reviews. Ain't that a pip!" Edna Mazur called out licking her lips walking up the middle of the room with Stephanie.
Ranger did his best to keep a straight face, but it was always something when that little old lady was in the house and his men were tipping the balance of the room by moving chairs towards the side walls to get away from her groping fingers and a wider aisle.
"Babe."
"Hi, Ranger. Grandma has some information on your outstanding skip, Mikey. She wanted to tell you in person," Stephanie told him knowing her grandma did make Ranger uncomfortable.
She couldn't hide her smile. That's what he got for leaving her one of his 'protein' shakes this morning. Ella was on vacation visiting her sister. Stephanie didn't like them and drove straight to 'Tasty Pastry' for a Boston cream doughnut. They had been dating steadily for the last two months, but she had her limit. No 'fruity tootie granola crunchy' protein shakes. Stephanie liked her breakfasts sugar laced and eaten with fingers or a fork. Ranger tended to ignore that fact.
His arms were crossed over his sculpted chest and his eyebrow arched watching the two women. "What can you tell me, Edna?" Ranger questioned.
Grandma Mazur crossed her arms over her sagging boobs in her own 'Ranger' stance. "I like you so I'll tell you, but it's going to cost you. My Social Security check is still a ways off and I have living expenses."
That translated to her needing 'slots' money.
The dark eyes studied the small woman and narrowed ever do slightly at Stephanie's evil smile.
"Deal."
"Hot damn! I knew you would take it," Grandma said craning her neck up. "OK, Mikey is known around town and the funeral parlors as 'Locker Shark'. To supplement his online auctions with the things he finds, he bids on storage lockers. He can get pretty mean doing it,"
"He's a thief."
"That's up to the law," Grandma comments. "He's also a Momma's boy."
"He's forty-two."
"He's a Momma's boy. Any how," Grandma continues, "she likes to re-decorate a lot. So that she has a constant supply of furniture, knick knacks, and reusable stuff, Mikey buys storage lockers that go up for auction. The junk she doesn't redecorate with, he sells on his EBAY page."
Ranger nodded listening to Edna Mazur. "OK."
"Ranger, there's a storage locker auction tonight on the edge of Trenton," Stephanie explained with a very sweet smile.
Grandma chimed in, "Augusta from the salon told me about it last night at Maxine Hotintot's viewing. I was working the crowd for you. Her next-door neighbor's aunt lives across the alley from Mikey's mother. She wants to decorate her bedroom in mid-Century modern this month. Mikey was seen taking pictures of the old stuff in the back yard a few days ago. It's on EBAY. I checked out his new listings for you. There's nothing there I think would match your taste."
"Thank you, Edna," Ranger chuckled.
"Now, here comes the negotiating. If you show up there tonight dressed like this," Grandma told Ranger pointing to his arsenal around his hips, "or even casual, you're going to stick out like the gay guys do at ladies' night down at 'Gyrations' when it's male stripper night. Us more experienced girls get two dollars off our cover charge. So, if me and Stephanie go in your place, I'm going to need some bidding cash." Those old fingers were rubbing together. Grandma stepped closer to Ranger whispering, "Marjory Griswald's sister-in-law's brother's roommate's niece works at 'Trenton Min-Storage' and it's rumored one of the lockers up for bid tonight has porn in it. I can watch some and hock some for extra cash to tide me over until next month. There might be some good vintage porn in there."
He couldn't hold back the chuckled, "Vintage porn?"
"Yeah, the good stuff."
"Ranger, there's some good stuff in those locker auctions. I saw it on TV," Lester called out. "I'll go. I've had enough sitting the last few nights."
"Babe?" The Bad Ass was waiting for a confirmation from Stephanie.
'It might be fun, Ranger."
"Mikey Gabba Goo robbed three funeral homes and one with a box cutter. That's dangerous."
"It's a storage locker auction, Ranger, with people there. Grandma will be with me."
His eyebrow twitched at her comment. Together, they burned down a funeral home. At least the buildings were metal.
"Ranger," Tank spoke up, "we have two days and this might be our best lead."
He thought for a moment mulling over the options. There was only one choice.
"OK, but, Babe, put bullets in your gun."
Stephanie stuck her tongue out at the Smart Ass.
XXXXXXXXXX
He was dressed in jeans, loose faded T-shirt, and his 'SEALS' baseball cap to blend in with the Trenton locals. He was the best at what he did so fading in could be accomplished even on the edge of Trenton. It didn't mean he wasn't armed, his weapons weren't for anyone's eyes and no way was Ranger letting Stephanie and Grandma attend the storage auction without him. Pulling up to the Plum's in his Bad Ass truck, a waiting and quite pleased Grandma was on the front porch.
"Hot damn! A hot pick-up truck to haul my storage locker. Good thinking." She was wearing what looked to be one of those talked about English hats with blue feathers cocked on the side of her head and carrying a big flashlight. "Like it?" Grandma said touching it. "I want the auctioneer to see me when the porn comes up for auction."
Neither Ranger or Stephanie spoke a word. He just shook his head wondering what he got himself into. No government mission was ever like this.
Frank Plum came out of the house following his mother-in-law. "Ranger, has the bounty hunting gotten that bad that you need this loon?"
"He needs my expertise. I watch 'Storage Wars'. That Barry is a gray haired hottie!" Grandma snapped a picture of the black truck with her cell phone. "Baby Granddaughter take one of me getting in. I'm sharing this on my Facebook page," she said handing Stephanie the phone.
Ranger pulled something out of a front jeans pocket handing it to Grandma Mazur. "Here, Edna."
It was a wad of bills she fanned out. It was $100, $50's, and $20's totaling $500 she counted. "Wow! Do you got extra on you in case there is a bidding war tonight?" she asked as Stephanie got a picture of her in front of the truck waving her cash.
"Grandma!" Stephanie shrieked.
"Well, porn could cost some money." Right on the street Edna Mazur was slipping the bills down her shirt into her bra.
He gave a nod saying, "I have a little extra, Edna."
Stephanie rolled her eyes. A little was probably $10,000 minimum to Ranger. There was a step-stool on the pavement to help Edna and with her granddaughter's assistance get into the back seat of the black truck.
Frank hustled around the truck to the other door. "I'll be back, Ellen," he called with a wave. "Ranger's giving out money!"
A surprised Ellen Plum watched the black truck pulled away from the curb with most of her family.
"Ain't this a pip! Trenton's soldiers of fortune are off to buy stuff!" Grandma hooted out the back window.
"Babe?"
Stephanie teased him from the passenger seat, "You're the one who gave Grandma the money."
XXXXXXXXXX
Grandma with her English feather bird on her head registered her group in the office before the auction was to begin and given her list of the Tommy Tucker, Auctioneer's rules.
'1. Cash only. (Real only. Counterfeit and Monopoly money doesn't qualify).
2. You have 5 minutes once the locker door is open to view the contents. No touching, grabbing, poking, or entering the locker.
3. A bid is a bid. You bought it if yours is the winning bid. There are no give backs.
4. Pay the secretary at the end of the auction with your 'Real' cash. No counterfeit or Monopoly money, please. See Rule 1.
5. Speak up if you are bidding. I don't read lips.
6. All contents of the purchased locker must be removed ASAP. The storage unit owner wants to rent this space.
7. No fighting of any type will be tolerated. You will be removed from the auction and your face will be noted for future auctions as 'A PROBLEM'. Once declared 'A PROBLEM' you will not be permitted to attend an auctions overseen by me, Thomas T. Tucker, until further notice. That is how long it takes HELL to freeze over.
8. Have fun and thanks for attending.'
"Boy, he sure has rules," Grandma commented reading the list. "Who does he think he is? No fighting! This is Trenton!"
Ranger was thinking maybe his team should watch Mikey's street some more.
If Grandma or Stephanie spotted the skip, then Ranger and the team would take him down. He didn't want either of them coming close to his sharp box cutter.
"OK! You know the rules! Get your money ready!" A small tubby man on a scooter yelled to the crowd that formed at Locker 52. There was no sight of Mikey Gabba Goo in the bidding crowd they anyone associated with Stephanie or Rangeman had seen.
The first small locker was a 'dud' as Grandma named it. It was full of torn bags of clothes, a few skeins of yarn, and folding chairs. Someone won it for $3.50.
Locker 67 was better as the crowd followed Tommy on his scooter a row over. Frank Plum seemed interested in it.
"Pumpkin, how much money do you have on you?" he asked quietly as he, Stephanie, and Ranger were standing back so the bounty hunter could scan the faces. "There are some nice tools in there and I think I saw a big screen TV in the back when I shined your grandmother's flashlight."
Stephanie was pulling out some money out of her purse counting it. "Twenty-two dollars and thirty-seven cents."
'I have thirty-one," her father said opening his wallet.
"Frank," Ranger interrupted the conference showing folded bills from another pocket. "I have some." The first folded bill was a new hundred dollar bill.
Mr. Plum asked, "That's some?"
Ranger just shrugged.
"OK, let's start the bidding on this handy man special at $25," Tommy called starting the auction.
"25," Frank yelled for the first bid.
It went back and forth between Mr. Plum and two other gentleman. The locker was up to $120. Ranger wanted to end it. "One twenty-five," the Bad Ass calls to Tommy lowering his aviator sunglasses so the other two men could not ignore the dark eyes burning into them. They both shook their heads when Tommy called out, "125 going once, twice, sold to the man in sunglasses!"
Ranger handed Tommy's female assistant the money and Grandma gave her son-in-law a lock for his locker out of her purse until they came back.
"Around the corner to Locker 73. This is a large 10 X 10 locker," Tommy called to the small crowd following his lead scooter. Stephanie noticed Lester in a baseball cap pulled low, cut-off sweatshirt, and ripped jeans had joined them. When the lock on Number 73 was cut off and the door went up, Stephanie saw furniture. She looked at her boyfriend and he nodded seeing a maple headboard along the wall and a chest of drawers in front of it. He was waiting to see if Grandma's Intel was correct. His cousin Lester was taking inventory, too.
Speaking of Edna Mazur, she was up in front shining a bright flashlight all around the unit perusing the contents. "Nice furniture," she said swaggering over to her family and Cuban bounty hunter. "I bet he shows for this stuff. Momma needs to redecorate."
"How about for this unit of nice furniture, I open the bidding at $100."
"Hundred," Lester bids. Ranger gave him an arched eyebrow. "That stuff would look good in my cabin."
A woman in front called, "One ten."
"One twenty," Tommy goes up.
"One twenty-five," Lester yells despite Ranger's glare.
"One thirty."
"One forty" was Lester's bid.
A man in a hat, trench coat, and sunglasses appearing to be the third Blues Brother waves a hand. "Two hundred," he yells.
Grandma poked Ranger with her flashlight doing a head twitch in the new comers direction.
"Hey, I want that for my cabin! Two twenty-five," Lester counters.
Tommy utters, "Do I hear two thirty?"
Mikey Gabba Goo raised his hand to enter a higher bid, but it didn't get very high as Ranger was slapping a cuff on it. "You missed your court date, Mikey. I'm taking you in."
"My mother is redecorating!" he said loudly struggling in vain to get out of Ranger's grip as Tank was cuffing his other wrist. "There's some mid-Century modern furniture in there."
'Not my problem," Ranger tells him.
"Is that a bid back there?" Tommy asks moving his scooter forward seeing a commotion in the back.
"My mother needs that stuff! Two thirty!"
"No!" Ranger directs to the auctioneer, "He's going to jail."
"Two thirty five!" Lester waves his ball cap with one hand and pushing the skip with another.
"I'm bidding," Mikey shouts. "Two forty!" He wiggling to get out of Lester and Bobby's grips to continue bidding.
'You're going to jail!" Tank lifts Mikey up flinging the man over his shoulder. He's kicking as the big man turns in the direction of the vehicles.
"TWO FIFTY!" Mikey screams going around a corner with Ranger jogging along along side his best friend clamping the kicking feet still.
"Two fifty five," Lester bids again.
Tommy is waving his arms above his head. "Take it! I'm not sure who's bidding and who's going to jail. Let's go to the next locker."
The Rangeman counts out $255 for the secretary, then takes off running after Tank, Ranger, and the skip.
There were three more lockers up for auction before Grandma's prize one is up for bid.
It had open boxes of DVD's, tapes, and magazines sitting in the middle of the locker. There were a few plastic bins that were closed, but the porn was visible.
"This is it! This is the one!" Grandma Mazur was dancing around waving her flashlight. She stood right in front of Tommy's scooter not to be missed. Ranger was strolling back to join the auction shaking his head at a very happy Edna.
"OK, let's start this storage unit of viewing for mature eyes at," Tommy begins.
"Fifty!" Grandma bursts out pulling a fifty dollar bill out of her shirt waving it right in front of his eyes.
"I have a bid of fifty. Do I hear fifty-five?"
Grandma turns searching in all directions for other bids.
Saying, "Fifty once. Fifty twice. Sold to the little lady in the bird hat!" Tommy points to Grandma in front of him. She hustles the bill over to the girl and goes right to her treasure trove of porn.
They were going to pack up their 'new' old stuff when something caught Stephanie's interest two lockers down from Grandma's.
"What do you see, Babe?" Ranger questioned following her.
There was a rocking chair missing a leg in the middle of boxes, but what was on it Stephanie was gazing at. "Those are Raggedy Ann and Andy. They're still in the boxes," she indicated pointing to the smiling rag dolls through the cellophane window on the boxes. "I had those when I was a little girl."
Not saying a word, Ranger takes up his a spot off from the scooter-riding auctioneer.
"Let's open the bids for the rocking chair unit at twenty-five," Tommy begins.
Ranger nods.
"I have twenty-five. Do I hear thirty?"
"Thirty," someone calls back.
The bids began going back and forth up to $100. Ranger wasn't leaving that storage unit without those rag dolls. "Two hundred," he calls out doubling the bid.
"I have two hundred. Can I get two ten?"
Ranger stood there rocking on his heels waiting for another bid that didn't come.
"Sold," Tommy indicates in Ranger's direction. "Another locker to the man in sun glasses."
"Thank you. Thank you," Stephanie was kissing Ranger after he paid for the locker hugging her doll boxes to her.
'I'll go get the truck, Babe," Ranger says kissing Stephanie back and jogs toward the parking area to retrieve his Bad Ass truck.
XXXXXXXXXX
It took three trips in the black Bad Ass truck to get all of the locker treasures to the Plum's. Stephanie, Ellen, and Grandma were on guard sorting through all the boxes, suitcases, and bags lining the driveway and garage casing off the nosy neighbors. There was another two trips for the truck, Tank's Hummer, and the Rangeman SUV Lester drove to deposit his 'cabin' furniture in the underground garage.
So Grandma wasn't lurking about Haywood and her groping fingers sifting through her porn collection, all the contents of her locker, Frank's, and Stephanie's was taken to the Plums. Ranger had a man posted out front to scare off any neighbors who decided to go peeking in the auction finds during the night. The Bombshell Bounty Hunter only wanted the smiling rag dolls. In Mr. Plum's storage bin, there were a few woodworking tools he used to repair the rocking chair and shined it up. Raggedy Ann and Andy sat in it on the seventh floor in the corner of Ranger and Stephanie's bedroom.
In a box from Stephanie's locker wrapped in a sheet, a replica of a Spanish Armada ship. Ranger placed it on the mantle in the apartment after it was appraised. The value was approximately $1000.
Grandma kept a portion of her porn locker, but at the lodge rummage sale, she sold some making $1500. She gave Ranger back the remainder of the money she didn't spend because the lockers just weren't going for 'the big bucks'. There was a signed Ron Jeremy poster folded in a video; a collector paid her $900 for it. With her locker profits, Grandma went straight to the nearest casino.
Mixed under the old issues of 'Playboy', a few 'Playgirls', and 'Penthouse' that sold quickly at the rummage sale, Grandma discovered a bundle of Super Hero comic books which Tank gladly took off her hands.
Lester furnished his new cabin in the Poconos with his mid-Century modern furniture. Ellen had some vintage linens to wash and iron discovered in the boxes because of her mother's pornography collection she sold to most of their neighbors at the lodge flea market.
Everyone seemed to like the 'treasures' which were discovered in the storage lockers won. When Grandma was short on 'slots' cash, the newlywed Manosos did accompany to her locker auctions. Raggedy Ann and Andy moved from Haywood to the nursery in Stephanie and Ranger's new house not long after they were married.
The End.