AN: Here is a one-shot and a songfic to Breathe by Anna Nalick. I thought of this a long time ago, back when I was actually reading the Vampire Academy, and I thought I would actually put it into words! So here it is, tell me what you think.
I lay on the uncomfortable bed in my cell, starring at the grey concrete ceiling. I knew that it was impossible, but I wished there was a window or something in this place. I wanted to see outside, I wanted to know what the weather was like, hell I wanted to know what time of day it was.
I mean, I could figure all that out by being in Lissa's head, but it wasn't the same as actually being in my own body.
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
I heard the sound of footsteps from down the hallway, but I didn't bother turning toward the noise. I figured it was just more questioners or lawyers, coming to interrogate me. That was until I heard low voices and the sound of my cell door opening.
I leapt to my feet, watching as Mikhail took a step into my cell. For a brief moment I thought he was coming to release me, that they had found the real murder before my trail and I was free. That is, until he gave me a sad smile and pulled out handcuffs, locking them around my wrists.
He led me to the courthouse that I had my hearing at weeks earlier. And I knew that it would be mayhem as soon as I stepped through those doors. I think Mikhail knew that too, because he signaled the guards to stop for a minute, and we all stood silently just feet away from the courtroom.
Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, I summoned all the strength I had. I was strong and I could do this. I was innocent and that would prevail. At least that's what I told myself as I nodded to Mikhail, and the doors to the courtroom opened.
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
I felt every pair of eyes on me. Most were filled with hatred but I knew some were filled with sympathy, and it was those eyes that I would look to for comfort.
I jerked my head up as I walked in, and straightened my shoulders as I took strong steps towards the front of the court room. I made sure that I didn't falter as I passed the barrier, but what I saw on the other side did surprise me momentarily.
My mother and Abe were both standing there, waiting for my arrival. Both of their faces were expressionless, but I could see in their eyes that they were nervous. I would be too if my daughter was about to be convicted of murder. I opened my mouth to greet them, but the most surprising of things happened.
Abe smiled softly and pulled me in for a tight hug. At first I was too stunned but then my mind caught up with me, and I wrapped my arms around him, mumbling a hello. My mother soon did the same, before sitting down beside me on the bench.
The judge had entered and started the proceedings, but I wasn't paying attention. I was focused on the hands in my lap. My mother was clutching my left tightly and Abe reached down to hold my right
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
I just looked up at him. He had been absent for majority of my life, but I knew that he was there during the moments that mattered the most. I remembered when I first met him in Russia, and I was sitting on the sidewalk as he threatened me to return back to the states, or when he gave me his jacket in the airport before forcing the Academy to let me back in. He was one of a kind and I was proud to be his daughter.
And looking to my mother, I knew that I was proud to be her child too. Images came tumbling through my mind, memories of the two of us. Like when she knocked me out while sparring, or when she hugged me on the plane back from Spokane. She had also been there when I needed her, I thought as I remembered back to when she wiped away my tears at my first monjila ceremony.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
The court continued to proceed, going over the evidence they had gone over at my hearing. They were leading up to the proof that they had to convict me, and that's when my attention would be needed. But until then I didn't want to listen, I thought I'd play ignorant for a little longer.
And that's what I was doing as I craned my neck backward, and scanned the spectators, finding myself stuck in a pair of emerald eyes.
May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year"
Adrian gave me a sad smile, which I returned as I studied his face. He looked ragged and completely unlike himself. His usually styled hair was just messy, his clothes were rumbled, and he had purple bags under his eyes. I had no doubt that he had been drinking, and probably smoking while I've been rotting in my cell. Surprisingly, I wasn't mad and I didn't blame him. I felt a pang of sadness as I looked at him though, mixed with some disappointment and fear.
I loved Adrian. Maybe not as strongly and passionately as he loved me, but I did care for him. And I was afraid of what would happened if he stayed under more stress, I was nervous of what would happen if I was gone and couldn't help. I knew he had friends like Lissa and sometimes even Christian, along with other royals he knew. But could they really support him, and help him get clean?
I didn't know. And I just wished that I could stick around long enough to chew him out for giving in like this.
I felt a pull coming from beside him, and turned slightly, getting lost in a pair of dark brown eyes. I was shocked to see Dimitri sitting to the left of Adrian. It was astonishing, to see him there at all actually. Yet, there he was, looking godlike as ever as he watched me with a stoic expression.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
We held each other's gaze for what felt like forever, and it was like everything around us disappeared. There wasn't any distance or crowds or prosecutors, it was just me and Dimitri. When I looked into his eyes, I felt a peaceful kind of comfort swell over me, it was like none of this craziness had ever happened. It was like Dimitri wasn't broken and punishing himself and I wasn't in the worst trouble of my life and trying to prove my innocence. It was me and him – just like it should be.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
I felt a deep ache in my chest, one that caused me to lose my breath for a moment. It wasn't because I knew Dimitri didn't love me, or because Adrian had given up, it was because both of my men – the only two people in this word I have ever loved like this before – had put aside their differences and sat together to show their love and support for me.
I forced the corners of my lips into a sad smile as unshed tears stung my eyes. Both Adrian and Dimitri caught onto my feelings – like only they could – and they both showed their support; Adrian by lifting his hand in a "cheers" gesture and Dimitri by nodding his head solemnly.
Memories of the two of them began to play in my head. All of the spirit dreams that I shared with Adrian meshing together, along with other tender moments between us, like the night before I was arrested or when he funded my escapade to Russia. But the memory that stuck was the day he picked me up from the airport to take me back to the academy.
And then there was Dimitri and all of our shared moments. All of our training sessions blurring together, all of my witty comments and his zen responses, followed by all the lessons he taught me. I also remembered the lust charm and the cabin and the captivity in Russia, all the passion and heat between us.
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
I turned back to the front of the courtroom, listening as the judge drowned on, explaining my charges and watching as the proceedings continued, although I wasn't as focused on it as I tried to appear. In the back of my mind I just keep replaying the memories between myself and those two men sitting in the rows behind.
I was called up to the stand to give my defense, which wasn't as full of fire as the one at my hearing. At this one I gave the facts, pleaded not guilty and watched as the attorney threw everything she had at me. After that I watched as the evidence fell into place and listened as it continually pointed to me.
Then once all the evidence had been given and both myself and the opposition gave our final statements, it was time for the jury – the ten council members, excluding Lissa who was forbad and the Ivashkov prince – to deliberate and decide my fate.
During that time I was allowed to see my friends, so long as I stayed cuffed and on my side of the barrier. I guess the Guardians decided that I wasn't a threat in a room filled with spectators and guardians.
My friends crossed the barrier, all wearing desperate expressions and gripping me tightly. They circled around me and said nothing – they didn't have to. I knew what they wanted to say, I could tell just by looking at their faces.
Mia with her quivering lips, Eddie with his strong demeanour, Christian's tense posture and Lissa's wide jade eyes. In each of their expressions I could tell that they loved me and that they believed in my innocence.
And I loved them for that and for sticking by me, even when it looked this dark and bleak. I loved them so much that I needed to tell them, but instead I found myself rambling off a list of advice, of things that needed to be said just in case.
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around
After I was done, the rest of my friends shuffled away so that I could have a moment with Lissa. She was the person who was there for me for everything. She was so much more to me than a best friend – she was like a sister, someone who I could always depend on.
We didn't say anything to each other, just stood there for a moment before I reached into my pocket and handed her a piece of paper – the one that Tatiana had written for me. I knew that if I was going to die than Lissa at least had the right to know about a sibling, besides, I couldn't bear the thought of her alone in this world without a family.
She grabbed the paper and put it in her pocket, before pulling me into a tight embrace.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
Just as I was pulling away from her, the council members returned to their seats next to the judge. Someone commanded that everyone take their seats so that I could have my last words and the verdict could be settled.
Lissa's grip on my arm tightened and I gave her a small smile, trying to reassure her that everything would be fine, even though all I felt was dread. I could hear her frantic ranting in my head, telling me that she loved me and that innocence would prevail, and I just nodded as a guardian led her to her seat.
I made my way up to the stand, ready to say my final words before the verdict is announced. In human courtrooms they never do this, they just announce the jury's decision and go from there, but in the moroi world they like to preach civility.
I stepped up in front of the entire crowd, looking at all the people staring at me with ranging expressions, and I looked at the council with their stone expressions.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
One by one the council members announced their decision, and every time they did it felt like I was being punched in the stomach. I kept my head high and my eyes trained on my friends, watching as one by one their heads fell every time a council member said their verdict.
"Guilty." The judge announced at the end, with the sound of her gavel echoing through the courtroom. "Rosemarie Hathaway, you have been found guilty of killing her majesty, Queen Tatiana Ivashkov. The penalty for such a crime is death, and you will be executed immediately."
With that two guardians grabbed my arms and began hauling me out of the courtroom. I knew that I should struggle and claim my innocence, that I should rebel and make a scene, but I couldn't. I knew that it wouldn't do any good, and that I should preserve whatever dignity I had left, that way when they find the real murderer – and I have faith that they will – that everyone can look back and maybe even say I died bravely, without blubbering.
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
I didn't know how I was going to be executed. No one had ever committed a crime of this magnitude or sentenced to death for centuries. I had gruesome death scenes playing around in my head, figuring that I would be beheaded or something seeing as the moroi were still so set in their archaic ways. But when I arrived in a large, cold room with stone floors and walls, and I saw the padded table set up on a stage like area at the far end I knew beheading was out.
As I approached, I saw all of the needles set up on a tray beside, and I knew it was lethal injection – humane and quick, probably why the moroi picked it.
Guardians filed in the door as I was being strapped to the table, and they took up their places along the perimeter of the room, all looking stoic and stony. I thought that they would be the only ones to witness my death, that is until moroi began flooding in, apparently there was going to be an audience. I didn't know how I should feel about that, I didn't know how to feels about anything at this point.
My friends and family were there, standing as closest as possible to the stage as they hooked up an IV to my arm. I just gave them a sad smile, wishing that I could stay a part of their lives so I could see all the good things they accomplish.
They executer told me quietly what would happen after he administered the drug – my heart would quicken and then it would just stop. He promised that it was painless and I wasn't sure that I wanted painless, I wanted to die in battle, dying painlessly felt like…cheating.
He hooked the injection up to my IV and was beginning to countdown from ten. Under his breath he told me to relax and that it would be over soon.
I tilted my head, watching my friends and made a split second decision that I wanted my barriers down. I would join the world of the dead soon enough, and maybe they would make the passing easier.
Suddenly the room erupted with spirits and ghosts, some nameless and some I knew very well.
Like Mason.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.