Knowing Too Much
I fell asleep in Mrs. Lovett's parlor after drinking half a bottle of gin. I woke up some time later to Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett talking in the other room.
"Now, we've got a body moldering away upstairs…" Mrs. Lovett mused as she paced the floor of her shop.
"We'll wait till tonight, then take it to some secret place and bury it," Mr. Todd proposed as he sat in a booth, staring at his cup of gin.
Mrs. Lovett stopped pacing half-way across the floor. "Of course, you could do that."
She continued her pacing, this time stopping at the window. She looked out, then started singing softly.
Seems a down right shame
"Shame?"
Seems an awful waste
What a nice plump frame
What's-his-name has, had, *gasps* has
Nor it can't be traced
Business needs a lift
Debts to be erased
Think of it as thrift
As a gift
If you get my drift
Seems an awful waste
What with the price of meat
What it is
When ya get it
If ya get it
"Ah."
Good ya got it
Take for instance Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop
Business never better using only pussy cats and toast
Now a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste
Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion / Well, it does seem a waste
Eminently practical and yet appropriate as always
Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived without you all these years I'll never know!
How delectable / Well, it does seem a waste
Also undetectable / Think of all them pies!
Oh, what's the sound of the world, my love
What, Mr. Todd, what Mr. Todd, what is that sound?
Those crunching noises pervading the air
Yes, Mr. Todd, yes, Mr. Todd, yes all around
It's man devouring man, my dear
And who are we to deny it in here?
"What is that?"
It's priest
Have a little priest
Is it really good?
Sir, it's too good, at least
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh
So it's pretty fresh
Awful lot of fat
Only where it sat
Haven't you got poet or something like that?
No you see the trouble with poet is how to you know it's deceased?
Try the priest
There was silence in the room for a few minutes, then they started singing again.
"Lawyers rather nice"
If it's for a price
Order something else, though, to follow
Since no one should swallow it twice
Anything that's lean?
Well, then, if you're British and loyal you might enjoy Royal Marine
Anyway, it's clean
Though of course it tastes of wherever it's been
Is that squire
On the fire?
Mercy no sir, look closer
You'll notice it's grocer
Looks thicker
More like vicar
No, it has to be grocer, it's green
The history of the world, my love
Everybody shaves, so there should be plenty of flavors
Is those below serving those up above
Save a lot of graves
Do a lot of relatives favors
How gratifying for once to know
That those above will serve those down below!
They both went to the window and Mrs. Lovett pulled back the curtain.
"What is that?"
It's fop
Finest in the shop
Or we've got some shepard's pie peppered with actual Shepard on top
And I've just begun
Here's the politician so oily it's served with a doily
Have one
Put it on a bun
You never know if it's going to run!
Try the friar
Fried it's drier
No!
The clergy is really too course and too mealy
Then actor
It's compactor
Ah, but always arrives overdone
"I'll come again when you have judge on the menu"
Mr. Todd had a butcher's knife to her throat. I almost stepped in, but they started dancing and singing again.
Have charity towards the world, my pet
Yes, yes, I know, my love
We'll take the customers that we can get
High born and low, my love
We'll not discriminate great from small
No, we'll serve anyone
We'll serve anyone / Meaning anyone
And to anyone at all!
When they were done singing, they parted. Mr. Todd went back to his drink, but Mrs. Lovett came back to the sitting room. I rushed to lay back down as I had been before.
Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett continued on as if they hadn't just been singing about killing people to use in their meat pies. I began to relax after a few minutes when Mr. Todd didn't come for me. I was afraid he had seen me.
He had lulled me into a false sense of security. Mr. Todd had seen me, but he didn't tell Mrs. Lovett. He just called me up to his shop late that night, when most of the town was asleep.
"How much did you hear?" he demanded of me.
"N-n-nothing, Mr. Todd, sir," I stuttered.
"You heard enough to know to keep your mouth shut, didn't you, boy!" he roared in my face. I heard Mrs. Lovett's staccato steps coming up the stairs.
"Answer me!" Mr. Todd screamed just as Mrs. Lovett opened the door. She found Mr. Todd with a razor to my throat, ready to cut through my flesh.
"Mr. T, what' brought this on?" Mrs. Lovett just looked puzzled.
"He heard us this afternoon, singing in the shop," Mr. Todd replied, not taking the blade from my throat.
"Easy now, hush, love, hush," Mrs. Lovett cooed and Mr. Todd withdrew his weapon.
"Now, now, dear. Toby here has sense enough not to tell anyone. After all, we're the ones who take care of him. Isn't that right, darling?" Mrs. Lovett advised me.
I just nodded my head.
"Now, you get on down to bed," she ordered me. I gladly obeyed.
As I ran downstairs, taking them two at a time, I heard Mrs. Lovett screaming at Mr. Todd. She was furious at him for threatening me.