A/N: I had so much fun writing this. Wrote it rather quickly, too. Everything goes faster with lots of dialogue. Well, this is a song!fic to 'Volvo Driving Soccer Mom'. The idea hit me while listening to that song. xD It's by Everclear - great song, I recommend it. But you don't need to listen to it to read this. Italic phrases are the lyrics. Enjoy! Gimme feedback!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor Everclear, nor their song 'Volvo Driving Soccer Moms'.

You know I used to be a bad girl.

"Mum?"

I got busy in the bathroom at my high school prom.

"Yes?"

"Me 'n Fred were just up in the attic, testing something."

"We needed one of the boxes – "

"For safety reasons, of course – "

"And we found something there."

"We think Ginny might be…"

"Er, well, y'know, experimenting with things that she really ought not to."

"At her age."

"Right. Because what she does as an adult is her business, but at such a young – "

"And supposedly 'innocent' – "

"Age… Well, it concerns us that she uses these things."

"She likes Harry, we know, but I don't think Harry is the kind of bloke who…"

"…who, y'know, likes these kinds of things."

"Funny. Never pictured my sister as kinky."

"With good reason. I'd think you were deranged if you did."

"Anyways, Mum, we were wondering if you could just – "

"Tell her to hide her things better. Imagine if Ron would have seen this?"

"Ha! That would've been funny. Probably would have fainted."

"Or asked what it was."

They lifted a black corset with two curves cut out – actually, it looked sewn that way – where the breasts should have gone. Leather, it looked like. A lot of strings at that, crisscrossing here and there, making rather inappropriate and suggestive patterns on it. And as her two sons laughed, they missed Mrs. Weasley's wide eyes, the pink on her plump, happy face, and her little murmur of 'Oh Merlin'.

Yeah, I used to be a dancer at the local strip club, but now I know my right wing from my wrong. Yeah, yeah.

"Mum?"

"Yes, Ginevra?"

"That woman keeps looking at you funny."

"Pay no mind to strangers, Ginny. Just get the quills you need to do your homework this summer, alright?"

With an audible groan and sigh, the youngest of the Weasleys searched for a suitable, yet cheap, quill to use for the summer, and probably for school when September came along.

"Molly? Molly Prewett? Is that you?"

The woman turned around, and Ginny was back at her side, afraid something would happen to her mother. Ron too, upon seeing this stranger talk to his mother, returned to her side, his hand clutching his wand tightly in his pocket.

"Annie? Annie Greens? Why, it's been years! And it's Weasley, now, by the way."

"Wow! You and Arthur, huh? Strange. He was always rather bookworm-ish. I didn't think you liked that."

Molly began fumbling with her purse, her smile a bit too large for her childrens' likings. This eccentric woman looked strangely familiar to Ron.

"Well, people change, Annie."

"Yes, I can see that."

The woman, tall and slim, and looking much too prim to be in a Weasley's presence without berating them, looked the redheaded woman up and down, the grin fading to an unsure smile. Ron bit his lip, trying to remember…

"You've let yourself go, haven't you, Molly?"

Ron's stare hardened, but his mother didn't seem to mind the comment.

"Well, seven children will have this kind of effect on your body."

"Seven children?" The woman, Annie, exclaimed, her pretty eyes wide, her manicured hand covering her mouth. "That's unheard of!" Molly's smile became one Ginny and Ron were more accustomed to, a fond and kind shape for her lips that suited her face perfectly.

"Yes. Seven. I quite enjoy having children, you know."

"And… and they all share the same father?" The other's voice was quite high, as if this was something she would have a very hard time trying to process in her pretty little mind. Her eyebrows were so far up her head, they were practically in her hair line. Her eyes were full of confusion and, was that awe? As if the concept of being a mother was that new.

"Yes. Arthur and I have seven children together." Mrs. Weasley nodded once, her smile still the same.

And then Ron remembered where he had seen her before. His eyes widened and he gasped, a grin forming at his lips. His raised a finger, he barely registered doing it, and before he knew it he was pointing and gaping, his giant grin opening and closing. Finally, when words came to him: "Why, you're… you're…"

"We'll be leaving now," Molly said urgently, pushing Ron's hand down and steering him away with a force Ginny only saw in her mother when she panicked. "It was so nice to see you again, Annie. Please, don't hesitate to Fire Call." Grabbing both her children's arms, she spun around and apparated back home. When they arrived, Ron's blue eyes had a vacant look, and his grin was still there. Mrs. Weasley looked at him sternly.

"We are going to have a serious discussion, young man."

I really used to be a bad girl.

"I swear to you, I saw her!"

"You're saying that Antoinette Greens knows Mum?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying!"

"Fred, I told you giving Ron our magazines was dangerous."

"He's hallucinating sexy women."

"I am not! I saw her! And she knew Mum!"

"So you want us to believe that you actually met Antoinette Greens – "

"And that she knew mum?"

"Yes!"

"Yep, that's it. No more dirty magazines for you."

"I swear I'm not hallucinating! I didn't even recognize her at first."

"Why wouldn't you recognize her?"

"Yeah. Tell us why, then, since you obviously think it's her."

Pause.

"She was wearing way too many clothes."

"Nah, you're lying."

"Am not! Ask Ginny, she saw her too!"

The twins looked at each other with raised brows, before looking at their brother again.

"But tell us then, Ronnie-kins…"

"Why would Mum be friends with someone from a nudie magazine?"

I had a threesome with my sister and her boyfriend Tom.

She was in the kitchen, bustling around more than any of her children had ever seen her. She was waving her wand constantly at dishes and foods, and she looked rather nervous. Almost on the verge of hyperventilating, one might say.

It was funny: everyone, with the exception of Ginny, had come to the supper table before they were called. Molly had called Charlie and Bill over for dinner 'to show one of her school friends just how lovely her family was'. She had let the name slip the night before, which was the reason that everyone was already seated. Except for Ginny, who was clueless as to what was going on. Had Molly not been so uneasy, she might have noticed the fact that Ron was already drooling, talking in hushed whispers to Fred and George, whose eyes were mischievous and glinting. Or how Percy's hair was gelled back, something he usually did only at school. Or how both Bill and Charlie's eyes flickered to the door at constant intervals.

When the doorbell rang, Mrs. Weasley almost shrieked, and rushed out of the kitchen to answer the door.

"Annie!" she exclaimed, and everyone craned their necks to get a nice, long look at their visitor. "Please, please, come in! Dinner's just about ready. Ginny, darling! Come down to eat!"

I know I used to be a real wild child, but now I am a Volvo-driving soccer mom.

"The meal is delicious, Molly. Haven't eaten this well since, well, I guess before I left home."

"Well, I do what I can," Mrs. Weasley said, continuing to eat her meal, not without a smile to her friend.

"So, Arthur, Molly tells me you work at the Ministry."

Mr. Weasley sat up straighter in his chair, beaming. "Oh yes. I work in the department of Misuse of Muggle Artefacts. Quite an interesting career choice, if I may say so myself. Why, just the other day I had to go to Bristol because of a – "

Bill, sensing that his father was going to speak about his job (it was like a train – once he got started, it would take a lot of friction for him to stop), interrupted with a small cough.

"And what do you do… Annie, is it?" he asked, blinking politely, his smile a bit more than just 'polite'.

The woman smiled, almost knowingly, her dark eyes looking over all of the Weasley children. Ron sighed, his grin goofy, absentmindedly sticking his elbow in his mashed potatoes. And the twins were too absorbed in looking at her to notice and make a joke about it. Percy tried not to stare, to look as important as possible.

Winking at Charlie, who had the same smile Bill had, she opened her mouth to speak, and leaned in towards their side of the table a little.

"If you must know, and it's a rather exciting career path to follow, I'm a – "

"DESSERT!" Molly cried, standing up and taking the woman's plate away, effectively breaking everyone from their trances, and making the woman sit back properly in her chair, surprised at the loud outburst.

I really used to be a bad girl.

"This is weird."

"Definitely."

"Mum's acting strange."

"Maybe she wasn't really this girl's friend."

"Then why was she at dinner here last night?"

"To be polite?"

"It just doesn't make sense."

"Tell me about it."

"Hey, why aren't you guys home yet?"

"Yeah! You don't live here anymore!"

"That's none of your business."

"We figured since we came, we might as well spend time with the family."

"Bullocks!"

"You just want to see if Antoinette comes back!"

"Shut up, you little twerps!"

"Yeah, you lot don't know anything."

"Anyway, it doesn't matter whether you stay or not."

"Why?"

"She obviously liked me best."

"Sod off, Percy! She didn't even notice you!"

"She did so!"

"Did not!"

"Oh, this is childish. I don't need to prove anything to you. I know for a fact – "

"That she thinks you're a geek-y dork?"

"Yeah, you really don't have to prove that."

"We all know it."

"Shh! I think Mum's coming! You lot get out of our room before she sees us all together!"

I got busted for possession of my wizard-shaped bong.

"Molly?"

"Yes, Arthur?"

"Haven't fallen asleep yet, have you?"

"No. No, I haven't."

"Listen, I know all this Annie business is stressing you, but honestly, you have nothing to worry about. She's just an old friend."

"The children all seem to know who she is, though. Did you see the way they were looking at her?"

"Yes, well, boys will be boys. She is quite popular, you know."

Molly gave her husband a stern look, before his ears turned pink and he muttered a small 'she is' under his breath.

"I had a talk with Ron about his choice in literature, but he just smiled at me. I don't think he understood a word I was saying." She sighed, and Mr. Weasley rubbed her arm.

"Don't worry. She was your friend – you have a right to speak with her."

"I just… I'm just afraid the children will find out. About everything I've ever – "

"Mollywobbles," Mr. Weasley said, smiling affectionately. "It was all in the past. You were young. You've learned from your mistakes, and now you're a wondrous woman, wife, and mother because of it."

"I love you, Arthur."

"I love you, too, Molly. Now get some rest."

I used to love to do the things they tell me not to do.

"Listen to this – "

"What are you reading, Fred?"

"Shove off, Ginny! You weren't invited!"

"This is my house too, you know! I can be wherever I please!"

"Oh, just shut up! Read it, Fred!"

"Right then."

Fred, George, Ron, and Percy sat under one of the trees in their orchard, huddled secretly together, and Ginny was towering over them, her arms cross. Never had something brought the Weasley clan so close before. It was almost a touching scene.

"Is that Mum's diary?"

"Oy! Go away!"

"You shouldn't read that!"

"It belonged to her at sixteen! It doesn't matter whether he reads it or not."

"Yeah, what Ron said!"

"And plus, you are officially forbidden to be around us."

Or maybe not such a touching scene.

"Why? What did I do?"

"You know bloody well what you did, Missy!"

"I told Harry what you bought!"

"What? What did I buy?" Her eyes suddenly flashed angrily. "What did you tell him? He hasn't written back a proper letter all summer! Just words and sentences… not even a 'Dear Ginny' at the beginning! What've you said to him?"

"Ginny! The game is up! We found your freaky – corset – brazier – lingerie – thinger!"

"…my what?"

"We also found the furry hand cuffs."

"What in Merlin's name are you saying?"

"I'm saying you've been caught, young lady!"

"I don't own handcuffs!"

"Oh, right. And I bet you're going to say you don't own those collars, either?"

"Or those rings?"

"Yeah, you know…"

"The rings…"

"Rings?" It was Ron who spoke now. "As much as I agree with you all that Ginny's gone too far with all those things, I don't see how a ring is bad."

Fred sighed and George shook his head.

"It's a special kind of ring, Ron."

"I don't get it," he murmured.

Percy leaned over and whispered something in his brother's ear. What was an expression of frustrated confusion became one of shock and disgust. And shock. A lot of shock.

"What?" he cried, looking at all of them with a grimace on his face, before staring incredulously at his sister. "You were gonna use that on Harry? You were gonna put a ring on his… on his… Oh Merlin! That's cruel and disgusting and Ginny! Honestly!"

Ginny's face was bright red. "I did not buy any of those things!"

"Why are you lot yelling?" they heard the familiar voice from the house, and Fred was the one who called back.

"No reason, Mum! Ron and Ginny having a little spat, is all."

And now, the little gears in their brains began spinning.

But now I'm different. Now I sing a new song.

"Molly, I have a feeling you're avoiding certain subjects."

"Oh? And what gave you that impression, Annie?"

They sipped their tea quietly, Mrs. Weasley avoiding the stare her Hogwarts friend was giving her.

I really used to be a bad girl.

"Mum's ashamed, that's all."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, her friend gets photographed nude! No wonder she's been acting weird."

"I don't think that's it, though."

"I mean, it's obviously part of it – "

"But she's hiding something."

"We can feel it."

"That's because you two are all about conspiracies. I agree with Ginny."

"Well, Perce, if you agree with her, you can both leave the room."

"We've discovered some startling evidence that with crush your theory to hell."

"But you can stay, of course – "

"If you want to hear it."

I got gangbanged in the bathroom at my high school prom.

"It burns! My ears! My hearing! It burns!"

"Hush, Ron! I'm trying to listen!"

"I think I'm going to be sick…"

Pale or laughing, they continued listening to Fred as he read the little pink book.

Yes, I used to be a real wild child.

"She did that?"

"I didn't think that's physically possible!"

"Oh Merlin! And Dumbledore caught her?"

"You know what I'm curious about?"

"What?"

"Well, it says here that she – "

"DON'T REPEAT IT!"

"Okay, but, well, it does say that, so do you think she and Antoinette ever…"

There was a pause where they all contemplated it, and then, simultaneously:

"EWW!"

But now I am a Volvo-driving soccer mom.

"I really have missed you Annie, but…"

"Say no more, say no more. I get it. You're uncomfortable having me around. I get it. I'll owl you, though. And I'll come visit once all your boys have moved out."

"No, that's not it – "

"Oh? Should I wait 'till your girl moves out, too? Funny, she didn't come across as a lesbian… Ah well. No shame in that."

"Annie, it's not because of your… profession."

The woman blinked. "Well then why…" she gasped, a smile growing on her face. "They don't know?"

Molly shook her head, her palm covering her eyes.

"They don't know about the Molly Prewett adventures!" The woman giggled, and the giggle soon turned into a full-blown laugh.

"It isn't funny, Annie!"

"But how could they not know?"

Where do all the porn stars go when the lights go down?

"She was twelve when she first did it?"

"And she did it with two boys, no less!"

"Wow…"

"Don't say 'wow', Ginny!"

"Well, it's impressive."

"Who knew? Mum… that's just… weird…"

"Definitely."

"It's disgusting, really."

"Unnatural."

"Illogical."

"Goes against every rule of nature."

There was a pause, where the five siblings let their agreements sink in. And then:

"Go on, then! Continue reading!"

I wonder where all the porn stars go? 'Cause when you need one they are never around.

"Arthur, I'm sure they know."

"You're being paranoid, Molly. There's no way they could know."

"Arthur, this isn't paranoia. It's mother's intuition. Oh Merlin, this is so embarrassing. I can tell they're looking at me differently. They're my children, I know when something's up."

"Dear, no offence, but if they did know, they'd be rather upset with you, I think. They're not acting upset, are they?"

"No, you're right. They seem rather happy."

"There. So they can't possibly know."

I bet they moved out to the suburbs, and now they're blonde, bland, middle-class Republican wives.

" 'I think I should stop this. I mean, it's fun and everything, but it just seems wrong sometimes, you know? I mean, I can't spend my whole life doing this, can I? Sure it's fun, and the best way I could ever think of to waste the time away, but sometimes, I just think – Oh. Sorry, Diary. There's Jonathan calling. Guess it's time for a spanking. Write again tomorrow!' …Ew."

"Ugh. Just imagine: she used to spank us."

"Don't think that way, Ginny!"

"That's sick!"

"I know, but it's true!"

"No, I don't think it's the same thing."

"I can't possibly think it's the same thing. My brain won't allow it."

"I don't think mine can process anything she does at this point."

"Hey, at least we weren't chained to the chair when she spanked us."

"A lovely point."

They have blonde, bland, middle-class Republican children – blonde, bland middle-class Republican lives.

"Kids? Come down here!"

Everyone descended from their rooms and came into the kitchen, staring at their unnerved mother and their father behind her, rubbing her shoulders for support. Seeing the disturbance in his mother's eyes, Ron came to a rather wondrous conclusion.

"Oh! Is Antoinette visiting today?"

His grin was short lived; Mrs. Weasley shook her head, proving his conclusion to be a wrong one.

"No, she's not."

He looked glum now, but he sat down in his seat at the table anyway, waiting for whatever it was she needed to say. It couldn't be too important, to him anyway, if Antoinette wasn't included.

Where do all the porn stars go when the lights go down?

"You see, in my childhood… Well, my parents died when I was very, very young. And, well, Muriel… My Aunt Muriel was very harsh. And I was ten, and, I hadn't really had the proper upbringing – God bless my parents' souls – and she… was rather strict. So, naturally, I… I rebelled."

She was taking deep breaths, not wanting to seem so edgy in front of her offspring.

"I… led a very peculiar life, as a teenager. Annie and me weren't so different. And she… she hasn't really changed. Do you… do you see what I'm saying?"

Ginny was about to nod her head, but Fred, as innocently as he could muster, muttered, "I'm not sure I quite understand, Mother."

Maybe the 'Mother' thing was too much, but Molly just sighed and tried again.

"I was very… experimental as a teenager. But in my last year, I met your father, and I… well, I changed." She turned her neck and smiled lovingly at her husband, who nodded in encouragement. "And, I want you to know that I… I've done many things in my teenage years, things that you shouldn't know or hear of because it's quite… extreme."

"So why are you telling us?" asked a just-as-innocent-looking George.

"So that you know why Annie mustn't come back. Because… she reminds me too much of the life I now frown upon. A life I do not wish to think of anymore."

"Mum?"

"Yes?"

"We know."

She blinked a few times, not quite understanding. Then her head tilted and she looked at them all as if she'd never seen them before in her life. Her bright blue eyes were much brighter with alarm, and she held onto Mr. Weasley's hand for support.

"You… you know? But… but how?"

I think I know where all the porn stars go…

"We found pictures," said Fred, grinning so wide his face was about to crack.

"Pictures?" she repeated, suddenly out of breath.

"Yeah," said George. "Pictures I wish were obliviated from my mind."

"But don't worry, Mum," said Percy, shrugging. "We were raised better than to take pictures of ourselves like that."

"Definitely," Ron piped in, nodding his head vigorously. "I wouldn't dream of handcuffing a girl."

"And I wouldn't dream of restraining anyone in any way," said Percy.

"And I think sharing sex with more than one person is rude and wrong," Ginny added.

"Yep. And leather doesn't look nice on us. Clashes with our hair," George said.

"And… Wanna know the biggest reason we won't be like that?"

Mrs. Weasley was smiling, her eyes slightly watery. "Tell me," she murmured.

"Then we'd have to live with ourselves, knowing we had stolen our mother's moves."

…they all become Volvo-driving soccer moms.